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Summer Jumpers Support Group!


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Hi!

I'd love to hear from buddies who plan to jump this summer.  Thought we could make a sort of "graduating class" and offer support while also holding each other accountable (whether it is for sticking to a schedule, trying to eat healthier, trying to get out of the house more...). 

 

I feel like I always pay extra attention to replies from buddies who happen to be at the same point in their journey as me & I imagine other people feel this way too. 

 

Anybody in??

 

I'll start lol.

I would love to jump before my July 21 wedding.  I will be on my honeymoon for 10 days following.  While I'd like to jump way before July 21, I think my biggest priorities right now are

*Staying on track with work

* Keepig my relationship healthy, as my mood swings have caused major issues- I have watched myself behave like a horribly mean & downright emotionally abusive person and I am committed to cutting this sort of behavior out

* Exercising- it used to be such a passion of mine

* Building self esteem while not "high" on kpin.  I vacillate between arrogance and extreme social anxiety

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I'd love to join this group.  I'm on my last .375 of Xanax.  I'm am starting liquid titration in a month.  I am going very slowly. Optimistically,  I hope to jump in September.  I also want to resume my personal training sessions -been to anxiety ridden and several family crisis to show up.  Enough excuses!  I have a trip tentatively planned for October.  It would be great if this came together. 

I'm all in. 

 

 

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Thanks for starting this CarrieAnn! I am around your dude right now too and plan to jump the end of June. This group will be great for support! I am very nervous about my last dose because I fear that's when things will get really hard and they are already hard now!
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I'd love to join this group.  I'm on my last .375 of Xanax.  I'm am starting liquid titration in a month.  I am going very slowly. Optimistically,  I hope to jump in September.  I also want to resume my personal training sessions -been to anxiety ridden and several family crisis to show up.  Enough excuses!  I have a trip tentatively planned for October.  It would be great if this came together. 

I'm all in.

 

Oh!  I'm so happy people are interested!!

Where are you traveling?

Personal training sounds like a great outlet.  I jog when I am able to.  For a while I feared that exercise was revving me up and making symptoms worse, but in hindsight I think that was my depression lying to me.  It has been nice to burn off some extra energy.

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Thanks for starting this CarrieAnn! I am around your dude right now too and plan to jump the end of June. This group will be great for support! I am very nervous about my last dose because I fear that's when things will get really hard and they are already hard now!

Thanks for replying Clover!!  I took a peek at your signature- are you tapering with dissolvable Kpin tabs?  I'm asking because here in NY at least, the smallest dose is .125 which I see is on your taper schedule.  Followed by .06 which is basically half a tab.  I have trouble breaking the tabs in half lol any tips are definitely welcomed.

 

I have similar fears about my last dose- although I've been trying to tell myself that it'll be just like every cut before my jump.  I was actually gonna start a thread about that.

 

How are you doing from a daily functioning perspective?

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I'm in  :yippee:

Hi Meems!  Yay!  Welcome!

 

I took a peek at your blog.  Depersonalization is definitely a big struggle for me as well.  I think it's actually worse IMHO than my rage.  At least anger is empowering in a way..

 

When I'm not working and I have no obligations I tend to stay in my room.  Whenever I'm out, I find myself counting down the hours until I can return to my room.  I know how depressing that can be.  One way that I've attempted to stay connected during particularly bad times is actually Netflix.  I let myself get as emotionally invested in storylines/characters as possible just to sort of allow myself to emote. 

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Quote from: Iwishiknew on May 24, 2017, 12:09:13 am

I'd love to join this group.  I'm on my last .375 of Xanax.  I'm am starting liquid titration in a month.  I am going very slowly. Optimistically,  I hope to jump in September.  I also want to resume my personal training sessions -been to anxiety ridden and several family crisis to show up.  Enough excuses!  I have a trip tentatively planned for October.  It would be great if this came together. 

I'm all in.

 

Oh!  I'm so happy people are interested!!

Where are you traveling?

Personal training sounds like a great outlet.  I jog when I am able to.  For a while I feared that exercise was revving me up and making symptoms worse, but in hindsight I think that was my depression lying to me.  It has been nice to burn off some extra energy.

 

Carrie Anne

 

Traveling to South Carolina to a health and wellness resort on the beach.  Love it there! 

At one time I worked out 6 days a week-I loved it.  Since I started tapering it is a bit harder-but then my trainer isn't easy either!  Glad to be part of this group.  :)

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CarrieAnn, I was using a pill cutter for a .5 Teva brand pill to get to .125.  I also spent about three weeks splitting the .125 into .06, but this was hard on my system because the cuts were not even.  I did a lot of research and watched a lot of youtube to learn how to titrate the pill with milk.  My husband has been really helpful. The tirtration helps me to keep the dose consistent and now I can go down to a lower dose before I jump. Congrats on your wedding!

 

Meems, welcome!  I am glad you joined this group, and I am sorry about the depersonalization.  I struggle with that as well, but some days are better than others.  I have a wedding and a graduation party to attend this weekend and I am dreading it.  It doesn't help that I can't drink anymore. 

 

Iwishiknew,  I see you were an Ambien user.  I am trying to get off that too and I noticed you went cold.  I had reduced my does down to 2.5 and last night I had to take a 10 because I was going to be on my 4th day without sleep.  I can't function at my job without sleep.  Please offer thoughts on this experience. 

 

I am to the point where I want off all drugs!

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Great idea! I'm planning to jump around the end of June hopefully :)

 

~Isee

 

Awesome!  I think that's around when I'll be jumping.  I probably need to do a bit more research on how jumping differs from cutting (this is my anxiety talking...)

 

From your signature it looks like I started on kpin a little less than a year after you did.  I also had been on kpin previously for a bit the year before.  Are you excited to be done with it?  I feel like I could have been more present or aware of my actions for the past 3-4 years.  I look back on my behavior and oh god lol I really had no filter.  I'm looking forward to living as myself in the Fall.

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CarrieAnn, I was using a pill cutter for a .5 Teva brand pill to get to .125.  I also spent about three weeks splitting the .125 into .06, but this was hard on my system because the cuts were not even.  I did a lot of research and watched a lot of youtube to learn how to titrate the pill with milk.  My husband has been really helpful. The tirtration helps me to keep the dose consistent and now I can go down to a lower dose before I jump. Congrats on your wedding!

 

Meems, welcome!  I am glad you joined this group, and I am sorry about the depersonalization.  I struggle with that as well, but some days are better than others.  I have a wedding and a graduation party to attend this weekend and I am dreading it.  It doesn't help that I can't drink anymore. 

 

Iwishiknew,  I see you were an Ambien user.  I am trying to get off that too and I noticed you went cold.  I had reduced my does down to 2.5 and last night I had to take a 10 because I was going to be on my 4th day without sleep.  I can't function at my job without sleep.  Please offer thoughts on this experience. 

 

I am to the point where I want off all drugs!

 

 

Ha! Maybe a pill cutter would be a good investment.  My makeshift pill cutter at the moment is my front left tooth lol. I'm not very good at recording my symptoms so I couldn't tell you how this fluctuation in my dosing affects me.  It's kind of hard with dissolvable tabs as they tend to crumble.  I actually have a stash of 1mgs from last year.  Honestly 4mg per day was hard to keep up with so over time my collection kind of grew.  I can't bring myself to use them though, even if I were to cut them into my correct dose.  I hate the sight of those little blue tabs..

Sorry that was a tangent.

 

I ought to look into milk titration as well.

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@Cloverfield-Unfirtunately I don't think I will be too much help.  I quit Ambien CT as I did the AD.  I don't remember any problems with that.  Insomnia has been an on and off problem for me for quite some time-more on than off.  Currently I am sleeping maybe every 2-3 nights and I'm not talking 8 hours.  No matter when I nod off I'm up between 3 and 5:30.  Not optimal-I always feel like garbage the next morning.  I've been searching the insomnia boards looking for a manic pill-I just bought some tart cherry juice-but I've read mixed reviews on that.  I don't want to take a bunch of supplements and then not know what is responsible supplement maybe responsible  for what symptom .  If you come across something please share. 
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Great idea! I'm planning to jump around the end of June hopefully :)

 

~Isee

 

Awesome!  I think that's around when I'll be jumping.  I probably need to do a bit more research on how jumping differs from cutting (this is my anxiety talking...)

 

From your signature it looks like I started on kpin a little less than a year after you did.  I also had been on kpin previously for a bit the year before.  Are you excited to be done with it?  I feel like I could have been more present or aware of my actions for the past 3-4 years.  I look back on my behavior and oh god lol I really had no filter.  I'm looking forward to living as myself in the Fall.

 

Yes, excited to be done with it! Along with curious, anxious, etc. lol.

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[36...]

Ok, I am in! I actually plan to jump before the end of June, maybe mid June. I am now at .25 mgs of Ativan...

 

Right now my current WORST symptoms are:

-wonderfully loud Tinnitus

-beautifully broken sleep

-awesome always existing anxiety

-hovering health anxiety

-adorable aches and pains everywhere

 

My current hobbies include:

-frequent doctor trips to various specialists because of health anxiety

-obsessing over symptoms

-obsessing about my husband and son getting sick

-avoiding TV shows about doctors, hospitals, avoiding medical commercials

-cutting and splitting Ativan, making a water titration of gabapentin

-more obsession with symptoms

 

My goals for the summer:

-Heal, heal, HEAL!

-take a cross state train ride with my hubs and son

-begin exercising again and losing the weight I have gained thanks to this

-get back into life

-play Nerf guns with my kiddo without all these obsessions

-learn to swim (at 40 I still can't swim. If I get off these, I am committing to do something new. Mine is learning to swim.

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Ok, I am in! I actually plan to jump before the end of June, maybe mid June. I am now at .25 mgs of Ativan...

 

Right now my current WORST symptoms are:

-wonderfully loud Tinnitus

-beautifully broken sleep

-awesome always existing anxiety

-hovering health anxiety

-adorable aches and pains everywhere

 

My current hobbies include:

-frequent doctor trips to various specialists because of health anxiety

-obsessing over symptoms

-obsessing about my husband and son getting sick

-avoiding TV shows about doctors, hospitals, avoiding medical commercials

-cutting and splitting Ativan, making a water titration of gabapentin

-more obsession with symptoms

 

My goals for the summer:

-Heal, heal, HEAL!

-take a cross state train ride with my hubs and son

-begin exercising again and losing the weight I have gained thanks to this

-get back into life

-play Nerf guns with my kiddo without all these obsessions

-learn to swim (at 40 I still can't swim. If I get off these, I am committing to do something new. Mine is learning to swim.

 

Hi Pumpkin! 

I'm sorry to hear about your health anxiety.  I'm very familiar with that struggle- not from personal experience (body image issues have always been my poison), but from growing up with my father (who is also on Kpin- I think he's been on 2mg for 15 years now?)).  I remember going on "vacations" to different states so my dad could see different doctors or have unique/experimental procedures.  I think at the time he was convinced that he had a serious stomach issue.

 

Obsession is really hard.  When I was 22, I moved to Prague.  I had saved a lot of $ from  waiting tables and interning in college.  I found a teaching English as a second language course, signed up, & flew out after graduation.  I had dealt with a body hair obsession when I was 19, but I was convinced that I was older/stronger and that I could handle the experience.  Within 10 days, I wasn't eating or sleeping, I had picked up smoking, and I was actually wandering around Prague looking for wifi so I could email plastic surgeons & dermatologists in the US.  I had convinced myself that the hair removal methods I used in my past were going to break down the collagen in my face and cause rapid premature aging.  Sounds ridiculous, but I used to stand in the mirror in my flat & measure the lines around my mouth.  I had to fly home unexpectedly and stay in a hospital after Skyping my mom and telling her I wanted to jump off the Charles Bridge : ( That was the first time I was put on Kpin.  I stayed in the hospital for 6 days before they gave me my RX.  Horrible experience, as I legitimately wanted to die.  Sounds insane but I can't tell you how REAL my fear seemed.  I felt in my gut that I had ruined my face and that the worst was yet to come.  It's so hard to argue with your own intuition.

 

Sorry for the tangent.  I just mean to say that I understand what you're going through.  I've also learned a lot of helpful skills so cope with intrusive thoughts.  I wrote a list titled "If I Survive This" when I was in the hospital.  It was SO hard to write, as I was convinced that it was never going to happen.

A big part of my recovery involved checking things off that list BEFORE I felt like I was "healed".  For me, those obsessions never go away.  I just have to remember to keep them in the background.

 

*I think you'll really enjoy swimming by the way.

 

X

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I like this idea!

 

Symptoms

Cog fog

Aniexty

INSOMNIA

Weight loss

Metallic taste

Poor concentration

Flat emotions (good at faking life)

Lack of interest in activities

 

Hobbies

I used to have a lot of interests but now my main hobby is reading about K withdrawal and Ambien

Titration of K and taper

 

Goals

Be more hands on with my kids

Start light exercise- I used to be a runner but it revs up symptoms

Start yoga

 

Thanks for sharing it's nice to learn more about you!

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Re: Insomnia

 

4am over here and still awake 😡

Fiancée says he can tell that I made a cut, as my personality has changed this week.  He's probably right.  My window last week felt so good, I probably seemed a little high just from relief.  Now I'm back to crabby complainy bad temper lol.

Didn't run today but also it's raining. Honestly it's been since like Sunday.  I have not seen the sun in 5 or so days.  NY weather is garbage why don't more people complain about that?

 

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Happy Memorial Day!

 

Anybody have anything fun planned ?  A little bummed that it's not supposed to be super nice out but the sun is shining and it feels SO GOOD!

 

I'll probably be staying with my fiancé for a couple nights so hopefully I can handle conflict responsibly.

 

I also have some admin work to catch up on for my job & my car/apartment/ storage unit need to be cleaned.

My goal is to not spend a full day obsessively googling or doing any other lolligagging on the internet.  I'd like to set 30 minute limits each day.

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It is comforting to know others are wide awake at 4am! I usually sleep in the guest room now because my husband is such a light sleeper. I hate watching him peacefully sleep while the hours tick by! I usually read and listen to music. I try to stay away from the TV and Netflix!  I had a tough time with my most recent cut but today was a pretty good day, and the sun finally came our! I think the rain really affects my mood. I have a wedding tomorrow and I am really nervous about resisting the urge to drink. I no that it would really hurt me during withdrawal so it's not worth it. I am purposely volunteering to be the DD so nobody assumes I'm pregnant or asks questions about why I am not drinking. Only my husband and parents know about the withdrawal issues. I do find it really annoying to be around drunk people when I am sober! Our pool was supposed to open this weekend but it looks like it's going to be pushed to next weekend. My next cut to .045 is in my mind for sure. I am obsessed with getting off this stuff. The metallic taste in my mouth is making me nauseous, but I've heard that's a common symptom.
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It is comforting to know others are wide awake at 4am! I usually sleep in the guest room now because my husband is such a light sleeper. I hate watching him peacefully sleep while the hours tick by! I usually read and listen to music. I try to stay away from the TV and Netflix!  I had a tough time with my most recent cut but today was a pretty good day, and the sun finally came our! I think the rain really affects my mood. I have a wedding tomorrow and I am really nervous about resisting the urge to drink. I no that it would really hurt me during withdrawal so it's not worth it. I am purposely volunteering to be the DD so nobody assumes I'm pregnant or asks questions about why I am not drinking. Only my husband and parents know about the withdrawal issues. I do find it really annoying to be around drunk people when I am sober! Our pool was supposed to open this weekend but it looks like it's going to be pushed to next weekend. My next cut to .045 is in my mind for sure. I am obsessed with getting off this stuff. The metallic taste in my mouth is making me nauseous, but I've heard that's a common symptom.

 

* 10000% the weather affects my mood.  Not sure where you are located but it has been SO gloomy here in NYC.  It's actually convinced me that I need to move somewhere sunnier.  Not worth the depression.  I know a girl who actually tans to improve her mood.  If I weren't Irish and full of moles I'd probably give it a try.

 

* Oh I've been up late all week lol.  I actually took Benadryl at 4am last night Bc I was afraid I'd actually stay awake until morning.  I've done that 3-4 times in the last few months and it always gets me sick

 

* I totally get that not drinking is hard. Especially at a wedding which (at least among ppl I know) is essentially just an excuse to get lit.  It's true that drunk people are extremely aggravating- especially while I'm in WD.  A friend of mine is staying with me- she very obviously has a drinking problem and I've asked her to not drink while she's here because it was really too much (blatantly inconsiderate behavior, rambling)

 

* It's good that you're so motivated to keep cutting! I suppose we don't really heal until we stop putting the poison into our bodies.  I, on the other hand, am getting intimidated by my symptoms and might slow down : /

 

* Funny I've never had the metal taste.  Honestly though I'm not very good at keeping up with my symptoms so maybe I have and I just didn't take note.  My brother just cut down recently and he told me that he was experiencing loss of a sense of smell. 

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CarrieAnn, I am sorry you had such a terrible day. I would take any of the physical symptoms over the mental ones any day with terror and depression being two of the worst. Have you tried watching littlemissperfect YouTube channel? She has been through our mess and gives really great advice in a clear way. It actually calms me down to listen to her and see how she is healed! I am really struggling with insomnia, but I got through the wedding without having a sip of alcohol. I hope tomorrow is better and that it is a holiday off for you too!
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CarrieAnn, I am sorry you had such a terrible day. I would take any of the physical symptoms over the mental ones any day with terror and depression being two of the worst. Have you tried watching littlemissperfect YouTube channel? She has been through our mess and gives really great advice in a clear way. It actually calms me down to listen to her and see how she is healed! I am really struggling with insomnia, but I got through the wedding without having a sip of alcohol. I hope tomorrow is better and that it is a holiday off for you too!

 

Clover, awesome job getting through the wedding without drinking.

 

Carrie, I hope today is a better day for you.

 

~Isee

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<3 thank you clover and iseen.  I did have a nice weekend albeit there was a lot of anxiety.  Northeastern buddies, wtf is up with this rain/clouds???every day!!

 

How is everybody else doing? 

 

I have an idea for a post that I think might be helpful for some buddies (namely myself).  I don't mean to invalidate anybody's feelings as withdrawal is most definitely a horrible experience, but I do think that we might rehabilitate a little bit easier if we acknowledge which symptoms are from withdrawal and which may be for other reasons, as well as which symptoms were there before we started taking benzos.  If I'm honest with myself, I've had feelings of dread and severe depression since I was as young as 7- teachers used to call home about me quite a bit.  Therefore, I don't need to always blame kpin for my not being able to experience joy.  That's a me issue that I need to work on anyway.  Similarly, I have had insomnia forever, and it's not surprising that lack of sleep causes fatigue.  I don't need to feel hopeless if I wake up feeling anxious and tired- I don't need to wait for my taper to be over to fix it, I can work on it now bc the taper isnt necessarily a cause.

 

I'm trying to be more honest about these things- I'll probably start a log.  So far, today, my friend who is staying with me kicked me in the head last night (we are sharing a bed).  I was super annoyed but I think I would be anyway as I'm sick of hosting (it's been 2 months).  Being annoyed is why I couldn't fall back asleep and not sleeping is why I am tired.  There is horrible cloud cover today bc apparently NY is the new Seattle, so that explains any extra feelings of depression.  I don't have to feel powerless by saying that the chemicals in my brain are causing my anger, fatigue and depression (not today at least).  Rather, I will talk to my friend, get some extra sleep today, and hope for better weather.

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