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Please help me, is my life over already???


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Hello everyone,

  I'm having a really difficult time with benzo withdrawal.  I know we're not all nueroscientists but I'd like some information and advice about my situation.  I was introduced to benzos at age 16, but was not prescribed them for more than a month at a time until I was 20.  I was reffered to my mother's physician friend. I'd always had alot of anxiety since I was young and had used moderate cannabis use to treat it.  I found it very effective and my life was fine, I was away at college and successful.  My mom being the good medical professional thought I should address it through good old FDA approved methods. I had remembered how the small scripts of benzos in my teens had been super effective in quelling my anxiety.  So I didn't hesitate to accept scripts for

60x1mg Xanax per month

60x1 mg Klonopin per month

60x1 mg Xanax extended release per month

30x10 mg Ambien per month

60x 30 mg Adderall XR per month.... (No add? Maybe to offset the  sedation???)

 

Sooo.... 2 years later tolerance has set in and after a leg surgery that gave me plenty of Percocet and being basically unconscious at a family Christmas party...found myself in rehab.  They weaned me down with phenobarbital and took me off and I remember I was so delerious that I don't really remember anything that happened.  I learned so much for $30,000!!

 

Long story short I could never stay off them for more than a few months and always kept reinstating, whether through a physician or through...other means of being acquired.  The symptoms just got too intense for me to handle and I just wanted to feel (semi) normal again.  Since I started at such a young age and on such a high dose, I am Convinced I ruined my brain forever.  I've been to rehab 3 times... Sent by my family since I always kept going back.

 

I'm about to turn 30 and the past 10 years have been a total nightmare.  I've experienced some horrible trauma that kept me going back to these godforsaken pills.  I've never fully recovered.  I just watched a movie that came out when I was 19 and remember the scenes and the music and I had a moment of clarity flashback to how I used to be able to feel alive and how I am now, and it almost brought me to tears.  At 30 I have basically zero quality of life. 

- I have a good degree but have not been able to hold a job, this have no career prospects in my field (finance) and my credit is ruined ... Permanantly.

- I have not been able to hold a successful relationship with any girl.

- The intellect that I had once prided myself on is severely diminished.  I can't remember words, how to do math, people I've met, I feel like I'm getting dementia already. Super, super scary.

- I'm having other health problems, rapid heart rate, dental problems from grinding my teeth during the little sleep I do get.

 

The friends and family I still have think I've absolutely lost it and to a degree they are right. I can't hold down a job since I never know if I'll be up for 48 before I have to work.  I'm in a deep deep depression that Ive surmised is half chemical from the nuerological damage and half situational from the shitty status of my life today.  My poor family I know worries about me, but simply doesn't understand how much something like this profoundly effects your life.  Friends too.  I'm a short couple of months off my last round of 3 years on 4 mg Klonopin a day and I'm absolutely miserable.  People don't understand why I'm not just better already.  They don't understand the concepts of windows and waves and think my erratic behavior is bipolar disorder, although I'm never manic and fit none of the criteria, some days I'm just better at  hiding the misery than others and some  days it is too much to hide. These "meds" Satan incarnate.  They should be schedule 1 or 2 controlled substances...not schedule IV.  My mother who sent me to the Dr. Originally, I found dead a few years ago of an accidental drug interaction between benzos, ambien and strong opiates (fentanyl, morphine, Percocet and hydrocodone) and some... Most prescribed by the original Dr who out me on the initial high doses of benzos. 

 

Worst of all, I see my family and friends generally enjoying life.  They enjoy music, travel, go out, have hobbies..  they do more than sit in the house and suffer.  I experience no pleasure, I'm terrified of everything, these pills have completely destroyed me as a person.  I constantly have to look at people who I know feel normal and can act normal.  I am insanely jealous.  How do I help those that care about me understand in anyway what's going on?  How do I stay off of these for any length of time without having to run back to them because I feel so godawful or so I can work the most tedious, simple job without crawling up in a ball on the floor.  I really feel like my exposure to these at such a high dosage at such a young age has completely destroyed me.  I haven't even have a chance to form an identity of my own.

 

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I am so sorry. Your life isn't over though. Please believe that.

 

I don't have any other words right now but wanted you to know that you are not alone. 

 

I hope it helps a bit.  :smitten:

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Hi Sleeperhatch91.  Glad you're here.

 

Believe it or not, your story is going to sound very familiar to many people here who have also had their lives turned upside down by benzodiazepines.  We get it.  Here's the thing, though.  You ask, 'is my life over already' in the title of your introduction post, and the answer is simple.  No, it's not.  But it will take some time, maybe a lot of time, to taper off the Klonopin and heal from the temporary damage the drugs have done.  That's what this forum is all about....how to taper and how to recover.

 

If I'm reading correctly, you're on 4mg of Klonopin now, so here's a link to General Taper Plans for taper help to get you started on the way back to health.

 

When you have a chance, I highly recommend that you take a look at The Ashton Manual, which is an authoritative source on what to expect during withdrawal and recovery, authored by Dr. C. Heather Ashton, who is an expert in the field. It provides a great deal of information that can be very reassuring during any stage of this process, including a list of common symptoms with helpful explanations on the reasons for their existence.

 

Please take some time to Create a Signature. This will help other members understand your history so they will be better able to support you.

Go to the top of the page and select Profile, then choose Forum Profile, insert drug history/timelines into the text box and click Change Profile.

 

Challis  :smitten:

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Hi Sleeper,

 

Welcome to the forum but sorry for the reason you and all of us find ourselves here.

 

No your life is not over.  Here I am more than twice your age and more than twice your years on Xanax and believe you me, there is plenty of life and living and new adventures to unfold for me now that I am off the poison.  It can be the same for you.  You are 30 and young.  Imagine if you kick this can down the road another 10 years and how much more of an uphill battle it will be.

 

How badly do you want to get your life back, to be able to enjoy music, going out, traveling, having a significant relationship, and supporting yourself through productive work?  If you want these things, now is the time for you to hunker down and put in place a SLOW and CONSISTENT taper off the poison that is keeping you from these things.  Forget about making other people understand what you have been going through.  They simply cannot relate.  It is more important that YOU understand that there is only one way out of this mess and its to go through tapering, jumping and then healing.

 

And you WILL heal.  Being off the drugs will allow your brain and nervous system heal and reset so that all those things will be possible again for you.  It will take determination, discipline and time, but you can do this.  It will not be easy, but it will be the very best thing you can do for yourself to get your life back on track again.

 

We are here for you if you decide to begin this journey.  All of us here are at various stages of the process and we truly understand.  Keep reading and posting and asking questions and we'll help if we can.  Sending you all the positive vibes I can muster for hope and healing and strength for your journey.

 

:smitten:

She

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Let me try to clear things up a bit.  I was on 4 mg Klonopin daily for about 28-29 months.  I very mistakenly moved all the way from Michigan to Florida where I do not have a good Dr. Or the health I surance I had in Michigan. I went to a new Dr. To try to renew my prescription and was told only a psych Dr. Could do it, and it would take 4 months  to get Into see one. 

 

I went off and ended up in the psych ward 3 times in 1.5 months.  Around this time I had a family friend start trying to help me who is a pH.d psychologist and a life coach..whatever that means.  She basically told me that any further hospitalizations would have to result in me experiencing consequences like losing my beloved dog (whose the only reason I get up in the morning much anymore) or face homelessness for not getting of my lazy ass and working.  Meanwhile I'm in the hospital seizing. 

 

I'm terrified.  I know the Ashton proticol, since this isn't my first rodeo trying to quit this shit. I only made it a few days before I was taking the Xanax the vet gave my dog for thunderstorms afraid that my heart would give out since my resting pulse was 135 bpm.  I was honestly more afraid of living and losing my dog and house than I was of dying and just having this whole night are over already. 

 

I feel I need to go back home to see my Dr. Im 1500 miles away from family, home or a Dr. I can even see and I honestly don't know  what to do.  This has been so trying that I've thought of finding a good home for my dog (I have a purebred German Shepherd whose just over a year old that I payed thousands for and put thousands of hours of training into.) and ending my life, since I can't seem to climb out of this benzo hole.  But, I cannot do that to my remaining family and the dog I love.  I'm absolutely terrified, and I don't know what to do.

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And let me also clarify that I was on the 60mg of Xanax/month, 60mg of Klonopin/month, 60mg Xanax XR/month and 300mg Ambien a month we're all prescribed at the same time.  That was my introduction to benzos, I worry my brain wasn't even finished developing when they put me on all this junk.

 

My apologies for my spelling and punctuation, I'm on my phone, in total panic mode, my brain is not working and my hands are trembling.

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Sleeper, take a deep breath.  You are going to be okay.  You are facing some very challenging circumstances and I can only imagine how that adds to your anxiety and stress.  Being forced off your benzo due to lack of supply is inhumane!  Florida is one of the worst states in the union for not having a safety net for those who need it.  Can you go back to Michigan, to your family and the doctor who can help you?  That might be the wisest option if you can do it.  Now is not the time to try to go it alone.  Since you are familiar with the Ashton protocol, you can direct your own taper if you can get a doctor to assist in writing the scripts.  A slow and consistent taper is still what needs to be done, but you will be more successful with the help of a benzo wise doctor and family who can be supportive. 

 

Sleeper, you will get through this, as scary as it is right now.  All those things you want in your life are out there waiting for you.  You will have to go through some stuff to get there, but you can do it.  I am not minimizing the challenge one bit, but you are up to it.

 

:smitten:

She

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I'm trying my best to be calm.  I've unfortunately painted myself into a corner here.  I thought it would be a good thing to move away but it was a giant, giant mistake.  I guess I have to talk to my family, it probably wasn't the smartest move to leave and move across the country without guarantee that my medical needs would be taken care of.  I just don't know how to get my family to understand the seriousness of what is going on.  That I'm not asking to be bailed out.  I'm just terrified of losing all that I have left which at this point is basically, only my dog. 

 

I should also add that I was also on a high amount of Seroquel (400mg a night to sleep after the dr. Said I couldn't  have restoril anymore) that I also had to stop taking in the past few months... I'm thinking that may have also complicated things.

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And thanks very much for the support, I don't want to seen ungrateful with how much I'm flipping out here.
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Sleeper don't worry about needing support right now. We've all been there and still are to a certain extent. Many of us are in that corner with you. You are not alone! Can you say to your family what you have just posted here?  That you are in a very serious situation and are not asking to be bailed out permanently, just need their help right now so you can get your life on track.

 

Sleeper, you will figure all this out. Things often feel worse than they are while in the throes of so much misery and indecision, but you will get there.  Take your dog for a walk or just curl up with him and know that you will be okay. 

 

:smitten:

She

 

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Yaknow I just wish people understood what absolute torture this is.  When I tried to explain it to my roommate he said (empathetically) I wish I felt it so I know how you feel... I told him I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  It was my idea to drop everything and move only a few months after coming off perscription opiates in heavy doses.  That being said this makes opiate withdrawal look like absolute child play.
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