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I had a window!!!


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[bb...]
Posted

I had a true blue window yesterday evening, before bed. It was only about an hour long or so...but how sweet it was! I didn't feel anxious, my ears didn't ring, my body wasn't tense..it was amazing! Here comes the best part... I laughed, my hubby laughed,  and my kiddo laughed!!! and not just giggle. Our kiddo was laughing one of those "get on the floor and grab your belly cause it hurts" laughs... That is what he literally did! I got a message. I thought instead of typing I might use the speech to text option to answer. That's where it began. My phone wasn't cooperative.  It was typing down all sorts of crazy stuff which I read out loud to my l hubby and kiddo. They started laughing and I cracked a smile. Going with the flow, we did it a few more times and laughed at what my phones was typing.

The sweet sound of my own laughter..it sounded so beautiful. For a rare instant I was me. Truly me. Not the fear and tear filled wife and mother so racked with symptoms functioning day by day is a challenge. I was not the wife and mother who longed to laugh, but had forgotten how. But for a very rare instant, I was me, briefly. Above all, and the sweetest thing, I was the momma who made her son belly laugh so hard he was afraid he was going to pee his pants. That is the sweetest thing. The most treasured thing in the whole window. So I got my mother's day gift early, something I had been begging for many weeks...the ability to spend time with my child as a mother with minimal symptoms. I am so grateful for this brief remission of symptoms. So grateful. Though it fleeted fast, it was there. A moment treasured beyond anything I could ever feel until I am healed.

Posted
Praise God! I am so happy for you!!!! I was just casually scrolling before I try to sleep, and saw this. It makes me so happy, I think I'll log off right now and hit the sack. May you have many more moments like this in the coming days as you continue to heal!
[bb...]
Posted

Praise God! I am so happy for you!!!! I was just casually scrolling before I try to sleep, and saw this. It makes me so happy, I think I'll log off right now and hit the sack. May you have many more moments like this in the coming days as you continue to heal!

Thank you, yes, praise be! I am glad it brought joy...rest well!

Posted
I'm so happy for you  :smitten: sounds beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye imagining you and your family laughing together. Oh those small things are no longer small.
[bb...]
Posted

I'm so happy for you  :smitten: sounds beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye imagining you and your family laughing together. Oh those small things are no longer small.

Truly it was. Sadly I got back to the normal benzo self before bed and through the night. But through the discouragement there is light. I will cling to this light and fight!!! The small things are indeed the sweetest now aren't they??

Posted

So happy for you!!!! Laughter is better then any medicine on the planet!!!!!!!

 

Keep moving forward.

 

God bless!!

 

Kevin

[bb...]
Posted

So happy for you!!!! Laughter is better then any medicine on the planet!!!!!!!

 

Keep moving forward.

 

God bless!!

 

Kevin

It is, and I really loved and missed it so! Hopefully yesterday was just enough to Crack open the door and allow more to flow in!

Posted

I'm so happy for you  :smitten: sounds beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye imagining you and your family laughing together. Oh those small things are no longer small.

Truly it was. Sadly I got back to the normal benzo self before bed and through the night. But through the discouragement there is light. I will cling to this light and fight!!! The small things are indeed the sweetest now aren't they??

 

To know that place is still alive inside you can really give you a boost through the hard times. I have not had a window in a year, well I did but only for 10 minutes before I went to bed. My mind was free and like you said a crack opened and light peaked through. " yes I'm still in there! The real me is still alive" we will heal!

[cf...]
Posted
Great stuff, very encouraging :)
Posted
Hallelujah🙏, I was so very happy to read this post. I'm so happy for you. I had one Saturday night after a 4 month awful wave. Like you it was fleeting but confirmed I'm still in here fighting to get out.  Your post reminded me how non linear this process is; I've been sulking again because the window was gone and the fear of not getting well is back.  But reading your experience refreshed my memory of the roller coaster.  So till next time we cling to our last window as confirmation of the wonderful future that awaits us.  Again, so very happy for you and your family.
Posted

I am so happy for you Pumpkin. The windows are wonderful aren't they? Soon you will have more of them for longer periods. 

 

Im gonna happy dance for you. giphy.gif

Posted
I'm so happy to read this! It's been a blessing for me!  :smitten:      :smitten:        :smitten:
Posted

That's SO AWESOME Pumpkin!  And to love and appreciate your own laugh is AMAZING!!  Thank you for posting this.  It's helpful to all of us!

 

Tiny

[bb...]
Posted

I'm so happy for you  :smitten: sounds beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye imagining you and your family laughing together. Oh those small things are no longer small.

Truly it was. Sadly I got back to the normal benzo self before bed and through the night. But through the discouragement there is light. I will cling to this light and fight!!! The small things are indeed the sweetest now aren't they??

 

To know that place is still alive inside you can really give you a boost through the hard times. I have not had a window in a year, well I did but only for 10 minutes before I went to bed. My mind was free and like you said a crack opened and light peaked through. " yes I'm still in there! The real me is still alive" we will heal!

I totally agree!

I am sorry that there has been no window for you...yet, but I believe now we are on the healing side of things, no matter the pace!

[bb...]
Posted

Great stuff, very encouraging :)

Thanks Luke..it is, and that small window was sure what I needed!

 

[bb...]
Posted

Hallelujah🙏, I was so very happy to read this post. I'm so happy for you. I had one Saturday night after a 4 month awful wave. Like you it was fleeting but confirmed I'm still in here fighting to get out.  Your post reminded me how non linear this process is; I've been sulking again because the window was gone and the fear of not getting well is back.  But reading your experience refreshed my memory of the roller coaster.  So till next time we cling to our last window as confirmation of the wonderful future that awaits us.  Again, so very happy for you and your family.

Mena.. super happy you had a window too! I now feel encouraged that "I am still not there!" Cling to the window with all your might, this is what may carry us through till the end!

[bb...]
Posted

I am so happy for you Pumpkin. The windows are wonderful aren't they? Soon you will have more of them for longer periods. 

 

Im gonna happy dance for you. giphy.gif

What Meems...no Jimmy Fallon's "Tight Pants" dance???  :laugh:  :laugh:  :yippee: :yippee:  :laugh:  :laugh:

I look forward to more..thank you!

 

[bb...]
Posted

I'm so happy to read this! It's been a blessing for me!  :smitten:      :smitten:        :smitten:

Thank you! It was unexpected and a big blessing to me...I had to share, because my hope was struggling through the tears!

Posted
Thanks God, I knew you will get these windows.... Very very happy to see you happy and your kidos and huby also.  :smitten::thumbsup::D
Posted
fantastic!!!  May you have many more. 
Posted
I had one to it lasted for one day it caught me off guard I wish I was as grateful as you I was excited for a little but my negative thoughts got to ne
Posted
Pumpkin yay!!!  I am so happy to hear that you had a window.. just remember what it's like because it's a picture of your future self.. (((((hugs))))
[74...]
Posted

I had a true blue window yesterday evening, before bed. It was only about an hour long or so...but how sweet it was! I didn't feel anxious, my ears didn't ring, my body wasn't tense..it was amazing! Here comes the best part... I laughed, my hubby laughed,  and my kiddo laughed!!! and not just giggle. Our kiddo was laughing one of those "get on the floor and grab your belly cause it hurts" laughs... That is what he literally did! I got a message. I thought instead of typing I might use the speech to text option to answer. That's where it began. My phone wasn't cooperative.  It was typing down all sorts of crazy stuff which I read out loud to my l hubby and kiddo. They started laughing and I cracked a smile. Going with the flow, we did it a few more times and laughed at what my phones was typing.

The sweet sound of my own laughter..it sounded so beautiful. For a rare instant I was me. Truly me. Not the fear and tear filled wife and mother so racked with symptoms functioning day by day is a challenge. I was not the wife and mother who longed to laugh, but had forgotten how. But for a very rare instant, I was me, briefly. Above all, and the sweetest thing, I was the momma who made her son belly laugh so hard he was afraid he was going to pee his pants. That is the sweetest thing. The most treasured thing in the whole window. So I got my mother's day gift early, something I had been begging for many weeks...the ability to spend time with my child as a mother with minimal symptoms. I am so grateful for this brief remission of symptoms. So grateful. Though it fleeted fast, it was there. A moment treasured beyond anything I could ever feel until I am healed.

 

Happy Mother's Day and many more beautiful windows to come :smitten:

Posted
Realy happy for you pumpkin! What a grace.
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