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Feeling like a failure....


[31...]

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[31...]

Compared to others, my use is not as lengthy and my case doesn't seem that bad, when it's written down. I read somewhere that benzos really don't care how long you have taken them, how often, or in amount. Most people have side effects and withdrawal.  It doesn't care who you are or where you have been. All I can personally say is that this is the single hardest thing I have been through and I am scared. I mean, I have cut way down from 2 mgs of Ativan (sometimes 2.25mgs) to .625mgs. Anxiety and insomnia got me to it in the first place. Cold turkey had me to reinstate at double the dose for 8 weeks. Then tapering. I am so scared that what happened to me when I cold turkeyed will happen again. I am scared the anxiety I have had daily for nine months won't ever go away. I am scared that after so long I will never become again. Sometimes I watch my kiddo sleep and think he and my husband deserve so much more. I am a fraction of who I once was. My kiddo came home from school yesterday so excited because of making the school show choir next year.  Do you know what went through my mind...what if I am not well enough to get you to practice?  What if I can't stand the performances? What if I am not healed? My only child..and I have messed things up. I am so angry at myself...so lost...so scared. I have so much freaking pain. I say in all honesty and mean no offense, but I have developed hypochondria. I fear I am dying. My days are spent crying and feeling pain. This time last year I was preparing happily at being the first college graduate in my family at 39 years old. I was preparing resumes and active in the PTA and my church, working out 6 days a week. Today, I just hurt and cry, beg my husband to call doctors. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I am a failure. A sad failure. I blame myself for not being able to kick the anxiety and not knowing what Ativan was. Next week I start with a new therapist. I have a neurologist and a doctor's appointment. I don't want to start a new medicine, but I might have to face facts. I guess I just needed to be heard today. Usually i write in the faith based forum. Something told me to write here. Maybe because I was too lazy to scroll down.

Thank you to whoever listens

Feel free to write your own "pity party" in the replies.

We got each other

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Compared to others, my use is not as lengthy and my case doesn't seem that bad, when it's written down. I read somewhere that benzos really don't care how long you have taken them, how often, or in amount. Most people have side effects and withdrawal.  It doesn't care who you are or where you have been. All I can personally say is that this is the single hardest thing I have been through and I am scared. I mean, I have cut way down from 2 mgs of Ativan (sometimes 2.25mgs) to .625mgs. Anxiety and insomnia got me to it in the first place. Cold turkey had me to reinstate at double the dose for 8 weeks. Then tapering. I am so scared that what happened to me when I cold turkeyed will happen again. I am scared the anxiety I have had daily for nine months won't ever go away. I am scared that after so long I will never become again. Sometimes I watch my kiddo sleep and think he and my husband deserve so much more. I am a fraction of who I once was. My kiddo came home from school yesterday so excited because of making the school show choir next year.  Do you know what went through my mind...what if I am not well enough to get you to practice?  What if I can't stand the performances? What if I am not healed? My only child..and I have messed things up. I am so angry at myself...so lost...so scared. I have so much freaking pain. I say in all honesty and mean no offense, but I have developed hypochondria. I fear I am dying. My days are spent crying and feeling pain. This time last year I was preparing happily at being the first college graduate in my family at 39 years old. I was preparing resumes and active in the PTA and my church, working out 6 days a week. Today, I just hurt and cry, beg my husband to call doctors. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I am a failure. A sad failure. I blame myself for not being able to kick the anxiety and not knowing what Ativan was. Next week I start with a new therapist. I have a neurologist and a doctor's appointment. I don't want to start a new medicine, but I might have to face facts. I guess I just needed to be heard today. Usually i write in the faith based forum. Something told me to write here. Maybe because I was too lazy to scroll down.

Thank you to whoever listens

Feel free to write your own "pity party" in the replies.

We got each other

Pumpkin, after reading your post and noting the number of times you reference fear and being scared, a book title occurred to me.  "Feel the fear and do it anyway."  Your fear is a straw man.  Make a list of those things you want to do tomorrow.  Things that you would normally be afraid of doing.  Get up and do them as if your life depends upon it.  (Because it does.)  Repeat each day.  Attack!  You will see that you are far more capable than you think.  Your sense of worth will improve, your chemistry will change...and no, the sky will not fall. This must be part of your therapy.  There was a time when I had to do this in order to overcome a paralyzing self-pity.  It works.  It's up to you.

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[31...]

Compared to others, my use is not as lengthy and my case doesn't seem that bad, when it's written down. I read somewhere that benzos really don't care how long you have taken them, how often, or in amount. Most people have side effects and withdrawal.  It doesn't care who you are or where you have been. All I can personally say is that this is the single hardest thing I have been through and I am scared. I mean, I have cut way down from 2 mgs of Ativan (sometimes 2.25mgs) to .625mgs. Anxiety and insomnia got me to it in the first place. Cold turkey had me to reinstate at double the dose for 8 weeks. Then tapering. I am so scared that what happened to me when I cold turkeyed will happen again. I am scared the anxiety I have had daily for nine months won't ever go away. I am scared that after so long I will never become again. Sometimes I watch my kiddo sleep and think he and my husband deserve so much more. I am a fraction of who I once was. My kiddo came home from school yesterday so excited because of making the school show choir next year.  Do you know what went through my mind...what if I am not well enough to get you to practice?  What if I can't stand the performances? What if I am not healed? My only child..and I have messed things up. I am so angry at myself...so lost...so scared. I have so much freaking pain. I say in all honesty and mean no offense, but I have developed hypochondria. I fear I am dying. My days are spent crying and feeling pain. This time last year I was preparing happily at being the first college graduate in my family at 39 years old. I was preparing resumes and active in the PTA and my church, working out 6 days a week. Today, I just hurt and cry, beg my husband to call doctors. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I am a failure. A sad failure. I blame myself for not being able to kick the anxiety and not knowing what Ativan was. Next week I start with a new therapist. I have a neurologist and a doctor's appointment. I don't want to start a new medicine, but I might have to face facts. I guess I just needed to be heard today. Usually i write in the faith based forum. Something told me to write here. Maybe because I was too lazy to scroll down.

Thank you to whoever listens

Feel free to write your own "pity party" in the replies.

We got each other

Pumpkin, after reading your post and noting the number of times you reference fear and being scared, a book title occurred to me.  "Feel the fear and do it anyway."  Your fear is a straw man.  Make a list of those things you want to do tomorrow.  Things that you would normally be afraid of doing.  Get up and do them as if your life depends upon it.  (Because it does.)  Repeat each day.  Attack!  You will see that you are far more capable than you think.  Your sense of worth will improve, your chemistry will change...and no, the sky will not fall. This must be part of your therapy.  There was a time when I had to do this in order to overcome a paralyzing self-pity.  It works.  It's up to you.

Thank you Photobug...you are right...fear! It paralyzing! I will. I will make a list. Unthinkable I will start by going to Target, for some reason it triggers.

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Dear Pumpkin,

 

I have felt that way a lot.  Especially, about parenting my only child and being a wife to my husband.  You and I are the same age.  I just want you to know that I hear you and that I wish that I could say something to soothe you and your pain.  I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.  I know that it is so very hard and so hard not to be hard on yourself.  The book Recovery and Renewal by Baylissa Frederick has been helpful for me and Hope and Health for Your Nerves by Claire Weeks was helpful as well to help me understand anxiety in general and to give me hope in my ability to heal.  I don't know if either of those will be helpful to you right now, but maybe in the future.  I've been feeling like a failure, too and reading what you wrote stirred so much compassion in me.  It made me realize that if I can feel it for you then maybe I can send some of that same compassion to myself.  I hope you can do that for yourself, too.  I hope some of this makes sense.

 

Best wishes and much love,

Resilient11

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Compared to others, my use is not as lengthy and my case doesn't seem that bad, when it's written down. I read somewhere that benzos really don't care how long you have taken them, how often, or in amount. Most people have side effects and withdrawal.  It doesn't care who you are or where you have been. All I can personally say is that this is the single hardest thing I have been through and I am scared. I mean, I have cut way down from 2 mgs of Ativan (sometimes 2.25mgs) to .625mgs. Anxiety and insomnia got me to it in the first place. Cold turkey had me to reinstate at double the dose for 8 weeks. Then tapering. I am so scared that what happened to me when I cold turkeyed will happen again. I am scared the anxiety I have had daily for nine months won't ever go away. I am scared that after so long I will never become again. Sometimes I watch my kiddo sleep and think he and my husband deserve so much more. I am a fraction of who I once was. My kiddo came home from school yesterday so excited because of making the school show choir next year.  Do you know what went through my mind...what if I am not well enough to get you to practice?  What if I can't stand the performances? What if I am not healed? My only child..and I have messed things up. I am so angry at myself...so lost...so scared. I have so much freaking pain. I say in all honesty and mean no offense, but I have developed hypochondria. I fear I am dying. My days are spent crying and feeling pain. This time last year I was preparing happily at being the first college graduate in my family at 39 years old. I was preparing resumes and active in the PTA and my church, working out 6 days a week. Today, I just hurt and cry, beg my husband to call doctors. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I am a failure. A sad failure. I blame myself for not being able to kick the anxiety and not knowing what Ativan was. Next week I start with a new therapist. I have a neurologist and a doctor's appointment. I don't want to start a new medicine, but I might have to face facts. I guess I just needed to be heard today. Usually i write in the faith based forum. Something told me to write here. Maybe because I was too lazy to scroll down.

Thank you to whoever listens

Feel free to write your own "pity party" in the replies.

We got each other

You are not a failure! You are still standing! At my worst, I lived minute to minute, then hour to hour,, and then day to day. Now I am able to think a little bit ahead...not too far or I get anxious. Be kind to yourself!

Hugs,

TeeCee

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Excellent advice Photo bug. Just beware Pumpkin that symptoms may be high the day after stressing. The difference is, you know why.

 

Congratulations on making Show Choir to your child. It's a wonderful thing to do. Worry about getting to practice when the time comes. Even then just take it one trip at a time.

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Compared to others, my use is not as lengthy and my case doesn't seem that bad, when it's written down. I read somewhere that benzos really don't care how long you have taken them, how often, or in amount. Most people have side effects and withdrawal.  It doesn't care who you are or where you have been. All I can personally say is that this is the single hardest thing I have been through and I am scared. I mean, I have cut way down from 2 mgs of Ativan (sometimes 2.25mgs) to .625mgs. Anxiety and insomnia got me to it in the first place. Cold turkey had me to reinstate at double the dose for 8 weeks. Then tapering. I am so scared that what happened to me when I cold turkeyed will happen again. I am scared the anxiety I have had daily for nine months won't ever go away. I am scared that after so long I will never become again. Sometimes I watch my kiddo sleep and think he and my husband deserve so much more. I am a fraction of who I once was. My kiddo came home from school yesterday so excited because of making the school show choir next year.  Do you know what went through my mind...what if I am not well enough to get you to practice?  What if I can't stand the performances? What if I am not healed? My only child..and I have messed things up. I am so angry at myself...so lost...so scared. I have so much freaking pain. I say in all honesty and mean no offense, but I have developed hypochondria. I fear I am dying. My days are spent crying and feeling pain. This time last year I was preparing happily at being the first college graduate in my family at 39 years old. I was preparing resumes and active in the PTA and my church, working out 6 days a week. Today, I just hurt and cry, beg my husband to call doctors. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I am a failure. A sad failure. I blame myself for not being able to kick the anxiety and not knowing what Ativan was. Next week I start with a new therapist. I have a neurologist and a doctor's appointment. I don't want to start a new medicine, but I might have to face facts. I guess I just needed to be heard today. Usually i write in the faith based forum. Something told me to write here. Maybe because I was too lazy to scroll down.

Thank you to whoever listens

Feel free to write your own "pity party" in the replies.

We got each other

Pumpkin, after reading your post and noting the number of times you reference fear and being scared, a book title occurred to me.  "Feel the fear and do it anyway."  Your fear is a straw man.  Make a list of those things you want to do tomorrow.  Things that you would normally be afraid of doing.  Get up and do them as if your life depends upon it.  (Because it does.)  Repeat each day.  Attack!  You will see that you are far more capable than you think.  Your sense of worth will improve, your chemistry will change...and no, the sky will not fall. This must be part of your therapy.  There was a time when I had to do this in order to overcome a paralyzing self-pity.  It works.  It's up to you.

Thank you Photobug...you are right...fear! It paralyzing! I will. I will make a list. Unthinkable I will start by going to Target, for some reason it triggers.

Making a list of things you want to accomplish the following day creates energy and reduces confusion.  And when you do accomplish those things and look back on them at the end of your day, you feel a sense of accomplishment and worth.  Over time, you build confidence and your anxiety fades.  At the end of the day you'll be able to say you were a good mom, a good wife.  Note:  Spend less time on your computer.  This is not living.  This is a cave.  Life is out there, not in here.

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[31...]

Dear Pumpkin,

 

I have felt that way a lot.  Especially, about parenting my only child and being a wife to my husband.  You and I are the same age.  I just want you to know that I hear you and that I wish that I could say something to soothe you and your pain.  I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.  I know that it is so very hard and so hard not to be hard on yourself.  The book Recovery and Renewal by Baylissa Frederick has been helpful for me and Hope and Health for Your Nerves by Claire Weeks was helpful as well to help me understand anxiety in general and to give me hope in my ability to heal.  I don't know if either of those will be helpful to you right now, but maybe in the future.  I've been feeling like a failure, too and reading what you wrote stirred so much compassion in me.  It made me realize that if I can feel it for you then maybe I can send some of that same compassion to myself.  I hope you can do that for yourself, too.  I hope some of this makes sense.

 

Best wishes and much love,

Resilient11

Thank you!!! I will look into the books you suggested, I appreciate it so much. I am also thankful that you reached out and are understanding. My heart cries for you. Please know that if you ever stuck, down, and need to talk..message me! I understand!

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[e6...]

Hi pumpkin,

I can totally relate to what you are saying. Our circumstances maybe a bit different but we're the same age. Whilst I don't want this to be a competition of who's worse off than who my life is pretty dire. I'm have been told I have 'one chance' at this taper, and rather fast taper at that. I have zero contact with my family and very few friends. I was an anxious mess before the Benzos and is why I went on them in the first place. This whole thing terrifies me. I have no option on reninstating etc, I just have to use what I get perscribed daily. Im currently at 4mgs V and next Tuesday that goes down to 2mgs for 2 weeks and then 0. So yeah, I know what you are saying, I wish I could give you some more support but just wanted to know your not alone.

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Compared to others, my use is not as lengthy and my case doesn't seem that bad, when it's written down. I read somewhere that benzos really don't care how long you have taken them, how often, or in amount. Most people have side effects and withdrawal.  It doesn't care who you are or where you have been. All I can personally say is that this is the single hardest thing I have been through and I am scared. I mean, I have cut way down from 2 mgs of Ativan (sometimes 2.25mgs) to .625mgs. Anxiety and insomnia got me to it in the first place. Cold turkey had me to reinstate at double the dose for 8 weeks. Then tapering. I am so scared that what happened to me when I cold turkeyed will happen again. I am scared the anxiety I have had daily for nine months won't ever go away. I am scared that after so long I will never become again. Sometimes I watch my kiddo sleep and think he and my husband deserve so much more. I am a fraction of who I once was. My kiddo came home from school yesterday so excited because of making the school show choir next year.  Do you know what went through my mind...what if I am not well enough to get you to practice?  What if I can't stand the performances? What if I am not healed? My only child..and I have messed things up. I am so angry at myself...so lost...so scared. I have so much freaking pain. I say in all honesty and mean no offense, but I have developed hypochondria. I fear I am dying. My days are spent crying and feeling pain. This time last year I was preparing happily at being the first college graduate in my family at 39 years old. I was preparing resumes and active in the PTA and my church, working out 6 days a week. Today, I just hurt and cry, beg my husband to call doctors. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I am a failure. A sad failure. I blame myself for not being able to kick the anxiety and not knowing what Ativan was. Next week I start with a new therapist. I have a neurologist and a doctor's appointment. I don't want to start a new medicine, but I might have to face facts. I guess I just needed to be heard today. Usually i write in the faith based forum. Something told me to write here. Maybe because I was too lazy to scroll down.

Thank you to whoever listens

Feel free to write your own "pity party" in the replies.

We got each other

 

So sorry, This is very sad. I don't have words to give you hope. Just wanna hug you. You are so brave please please please don't lose hope. stay there one day you will get strength. God help you. I am crying after reading your post. No doubt you are facing great pain. I will pray for you.

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I have no advice or words. Just know your not alone and this is all CRAZY as hell. I think whoever said making a list and pushing yourself to do anything is great advice. Its what I slowly had to do over time after feeling hopeless and inside. You'll find your way but no matter how bad you feel you have friends that care about you all over right now. You'll be able to conquer anything after this, we all will be able too.  I'm scared too but I just keep on keeping on.
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Compared to others, my use is not as lengthy and my case doesn't seem that bad, when it's written down. I read somewhere that benzos really don't care how long you have taken them, how often, or in amount. Most people have side effects and withdrawal.  It doesn't care who you are or where you have been. All I can personally say is that this is the single hardest thing I have been through and I am scared. I mean, I have cut way down from 2 mgs of Ativan (sometimes 2.25mgs) to .625mgs. Anxiety and insomnia got me to it in the first place. Cold turkey had me to reinstate at double the dose for 8 weeks. Then tapering. I am so scared that what happened to me when I cold turkeyed will happen again. I am scared the anxiety I have had daily for nine months won't ever go away. I am scared that after so long I will never become again. Sometimes I watch my kiddo sleep and think he and my husband deserve so much more. I am a fraction of who I once was. My kiddo came home from school yesterday so excited because of making the school show choir next year.  Do you know what went through my mind...what if I am not well enough to get you to practice?  What if I can't stand the performances? What if I am not healed? My only child..and I have messed things up. I am so angry at myself...so lost...so scared. I have so much freaking pain. I say in all honesty and mean no offense, but I have developed hypochondria. I fear I am dying. My days are spent crying and feeling pain. This time last year I was preparing happily at being the first college graduate in my family at 39 years old. I was preparing resumes and active in the PTA and my church, working out 6 days a week. Today, I just hurt and cry, beg my husband to call doctors. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I am a failure. A sad failure. I blame myself for not being able to kick the anxiety and not knowing what Ativan was. Next week I start with a new therapist. I have a neurologist and a doctor's appointment. I don't want to start a new medicine, but I might have to face facts. I guess I just needed to be heard today. .Usually i write in the faith based forum. Something told me to write here. Maybe because I was too lazy to scroll down.

Thank you to whoever listens

Feel free to write your own "pity party" in the replies.

We got each other

 

Hey Pumpkin,

 

Look at it this way:

 

Ativan and other tranqulizers are very poorly understood class of Rx drugs. There are people who get their degrees in psychopharmacology and still fall victims to these meds and sometimes take them themselves. Psychopharmacology is incredibly complicated, and most people who get these meds maybe know 1-5% of what there's to know about them. Right now, many of us may know only 30% or even less. It's a problem of perspective. When you were Rx'd those, you may have thought you have known 50% but in reality, you maybe knew 5%. You'd have to have read at least several books by Peter Breggin or Whitaker or similar. You would have probably had to have read numerous articles and studies that were independently funded (rare), as well as actually find people in real life who have suffered from these meds and would have openly admitted that they did, which is rare, because of the stigma. You would have had to know who Malcolm Lader is, who Peter Breggin is, who Heather Ashton is, who Reg Peart was, who Geraldine Burns is, and probably would have had to see the film about Barbara Gordon or have had to read William Styron's memoir.

 

So, basically, this would have probably been a full year-long research project to be informed enough about these meds. Hope that makes you feel better :)

 

http://www.benzo.org.uk/geraldine.htm

 

 

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[31...]
You all are right. I need to push myself more through this. Tapering off as quick as I have to for health's sake isn't helping. I just get so down sometimes. I know we all do, or why would we be here on BB? I will be smarter now for sure. Maybe in my own time help others through. Thank you all for your words of encouragement and confidence and support. I honestly don't know what I would do on days like today without you all!
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I am so very sorry for your extreme suffering...I was uplifted, though, reading all of the wonderful responses you received!!!

Best wishes....

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[31...]

I am so very sorry for your extreme suffering...I was uplifted, though, reading all of the wonderful responses you received!!!

Best wishes....

Thank you Choco! I guess I just needed to have a pity party. Truly is a wonderful thing to have the understanding and support of others when you need it most.

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Hey Pumpkin, sorry im late, as usual...

Am so glad u posted, I see positives and strengths..  This thread has helped me and no doubt many others... As do your replies to peoples posts, -and your continued and valued support on BB in general...

I relate to so much you say, how much our kids miss out on, and how life passes by..

This is a chemical thing, in no way a personal flaw... You have the right attitude to get through this, and use the tools at your disposal as and when you can...

Hang in there, its a wild ride indeed...

 

My very best wishes..

 

 

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[31...]

Hey Pumpkin, sorry im late, as usual...

Am so glad u posted, I see positives and strengths..  This thread has helped me and no doubt many others... As do your replies to peoples posts, -and your continued and valued support on BB in general...

I relate to so much you say, how much our kids miss out on, and how life passes by..

This is a chemical thing, in no way a personal flaw... You have the right attitude to get through this, and use the tools at your disposal as and when you can...

Hang in there, its a wild ride indeed...

 

My very best wishes..

Thanks can't fly! We will get through. Every once in a while I guess we have to have a mental pity party. I was once told to fake it till you make it. Well, that gets hard too. It's nice to know that when the real world doesn't understand, we have BB!

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[31...]
So to make matters worse, in the night I had what I thought was a severe panic attack, headache, all over muscle tightness to the point I feared seizure, rapid heart beat, gasping for air. So in order not to wake up my kiddo, I took 0.125 mgs extra of Ativan. Waited 35 minutes and still didn't calm. So I took another 0.125. it calmed me down finally almost 30 minutes later. Why do we get kicked more when we are down?
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Pumpkin-

 

Sorry to be chiming in so late, and sorry you are having such a tough time of it.

 

First, please, don't blame yourself for any of this. I totally agree w/Cantfly--this is a chemical thing and in no way a personal flaw. Honestly, I just see this whole thing as a case of bad luck---having the bad luck to cross paths with a doctor willing to prescribe these poisons. 

 

Sorry you had such a tough night last night.  Honestly, I've never seen anything as horrific as trying to get off of this drug.  And it looks like there is no way out but through.

 

On the rapid heart beat and muscle tightening, would something like Magnesium calm help??

 

(Also, fwiw, the splitting the Ativan dose in half hasn't helped us so far.  People told us to give it a week, but so far, there's no difference. She's calm 8-4 and in a pure state of terror (screaming) from 4-10.  And, for the past few nights, she hasn't been sleeping as well with the smaller dose (so, just wanted to share b/c I know you've gotten suggestions about also splitting the Ativan dose). 

 

 

 

 

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[31...]

Pumpkin-

 

Sorry to be chiming in so late, and sorry you are having such a tough time of it.

 

First, please, don't blame yourself for any of this. I totally agree w/Cantfly--this is a chemical thing and in no way a personal flaw. Honestly, I just see this whole thing as a case of bad luck---having the bad luck to cross paths with a doctor willing to prescribe these poisons. 

 

Sorry you had such a tough night last night.  Honestly, I've never seen anything as horrific as trying to get off of this drug.  And it looks like there is no way out but through.

 

On the rapid heart beat and muscle tightening, would something like Magnesium calm help??

 

(Also, fwiw, the splitting the Ativan dose in half hasn't helped us so far.  People told us to give it a week, but so far, there's no difference. She's calm 8-4 and in a pure state of terror (screaming) from 4-10.  And, for the past few nights, she hasn't been sleeping as well with the smaller dose (so, just wanted to share b/c I know you've gotten suggestions about also splitting the Ativan dose).

Oh yes I tried splitting for a day and I guess the amount is small so it really doesn't me. I have heard magnesium could do good, but I am on gabapentin and magnesium is contraindicated. 

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Too bad magnesium is contraindicated while on Gabapentin

 

What about Vistaril--didn't you also say you have that?? Would that help with a panic attack?? I looked up the dosage level for anxiety and it seems like you can take 50-100 mg, four times a day. 

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You have done nothing wrong Pumpkin-we just didn't know what we were getting into with these drugs.  I have felt the same things you describe many times through this ordeal.  I hung in there day by day for my family and the hope of a better future.  So many other folks here have been a great help and seeing people get off these drugs and writing that they are slowly healing are truly inspirational.  The success stories continue to give me hope that we will eventually heal and it is worth enduring the pain day after day.  Please remember that most, if not all, of your symptoms are from the drug and that your body is trying so very hard to heal during this whole process.  I have a ways to go but, am certainly better than I was a year ago and am grateful.  Be kind to yourself  :)  We are all amazingly strong and resilient for doing this!!!
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[31...]

Too bad magnesium is contraindicated while on Gabapentin

 

What about Vistaril--didn't you also say you have that?? Would that help with a panic attack?? I looked up the dosage level for anxiety and it seems like you can take 50-100 mg, four times a day.

Yes, it works decently for me..but when the attack hit it was about  2 in the morning, and I have to get my kiddo up by 6 and ready for school. I know I would have a hard time getting around if I took the hydroxyzine.  My hubby works overnights, and puts in a lot of overtime. :( 

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[31...]

You have done nothing wrong Pumpkin-we just didn't know what we were getting into with these drugs.  I have felt the same things you describe many times through this ordeal.  I hung in there day by day for my family and the hope of a better future.  So many other folks here have been a great help and seeing people get off these drugs and writing that they are slowly healing are truly inspirational.  The success stories continue to give me hope that we will eventually heal and it is worth enduring the pain day after day.  Please remember that most, if not all, of your symptoms are from the drug and that your body is trying so very hard to heal during this whole process.  I have a ways to go but, am certainly better than I was a year ago and am grateful.  Be kind to yourself  :)  We are all amazingly strong and resilient for doing this!!!

Thank you burnedout!  I am so bad at kicking myself, especially more so today because I rescue dosed. You words bring me comfort!

 

On a side note...I usually go with my husband on Friday mornings for bill paying and grocery shopping. I usually don't like him to leave my side when we do, I fear I will freak out. At the grocery store today I had him stay in the car while I shopped, alone. I did it all by myself. Anxiety was already high, but I made it through, about 35 minutes worth, until I had to call him to come in and pay,

I left my purse in the car with him. Might not seem that big..but to me it was. I listened to the music playing in the store and hummed along. Big feat!!

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