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In need of reassurance...


[Fr...]

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Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced so far throughout this process. I feel so tired and lost and confused and scared and sick. I was in a little window yesterday and the day before, but have been hit with a resurgence of symptoms. There is something about cloudy days. I woke up and the world looked grey, eerie, foreign, strange, warped, and distant again. Steven King type sh**. I feel like I have been living in some horror film or the twilight zone...maybe both. I am afraid of the trees, the sky, the grass, cars, my dog, my own body, everything. My emotions are all over the place...I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and went from smiling and laughing to crying and back again in the period of an hour. I get the urge to run outside and lay down in the rain and feel content with the world, and in the next breath I am contemplating my own suicide on the bathroom floor trying to claw my way out of my skin like a trapped animal (mental akathisia). I feel like my emotions are malfunctioning. Half of the time I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't know if this is even related since I haven't had any physical symptoms (so far), but I have been having the worst fatigue lately. I feel like I have a fever without actually having a high temperature...my body is exhausted and my eyes and face feel warm and numb. My thoughts make absolutely no sense whatsoever and at this point it's probably safe to say some of them are even delusional. I just want to sleep without having vivid, disturbing dreams all night long. I am basically a day away from 4 months post taper, why am I still having these vivid dreams? I had intrusive memories all day long, mostly of old dreams. Sometimes it feels so real that I almost feel like I am reliving the dreams. I don't feel connected to anybody or anything in this world at this point. I am afraid to live but I am afraid to die. I just want this nightmare to be over with already. I am starting to doubt that this is even withdrawal. Maybe I have always been this way, after all I did have bad anxiety and depression before...and I have been emotionally unstable for quite some time. I was only on 0.5 MG's of Klonopin for 5 months...can it really be THIS BAD?? I don't even feel like I have an identity anymore...it feels like somebody else is just dragging my tired body along through my pathetic excuse of a life. May 9th marks one year since my nervous breakdown/acute stress reaction after I was assaulted. I don't want May 9th to come around and feel like I am still in the same hell. What keeps you all going? I'd like to know some happy things, whatever it is that keeps you here.
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Hey Franklin

 

Yeh it can be really this bad. You're great at describing your symptoms. I'm sorry things are so full on at the moment. It will pass and it does get better I can promise you that.

You probably know this but acceptance of the way things are just for today however painful and not what we want them to be. Ouch.

and distraction. Anything that you come up with that can help you through the moments. Then it's a day done. A day at a time. thats all you need to focus on is today.

I listen to podcast talks a lot since being in withdrawal. I found music to much for the bulk of my withdrawal cos would just feed my head tales. But found I could focus on talks ones that really acknowledge the pain and suffering I'm going through and are soft and soothing. 

Be safe. It really does get better.

:smitten: :smitten:

 

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Hey Franklin

 

Yeh it can be really this bad. You're great at describing your symptoms. I'm sorry things are so full on at the moment. It will pass and it does get better I can promise you that.

You probably know this but acceptance of the way things are just for today however painful and not what we want them to be. Ouch.

and distraction. Anything that you come up with that can help you through the moments. Then it's a day done. A day at a time. thats all you need to focus on is today.

I listen to podcast talks a lot since being in withdrawal. I found music to much for the bulk of my withdrawal cos would just feed my head tales. But found I could focus on talks ones that really acknowledge the pain and suffering I'm going through and are soft and soothing. 

Be safe. It really does get better.

:smitten: :smitten:

 

Thank you for your reply, I'm greatly disappointed at how many posts go unreplied to. I appreciate your words of advice, especially on my last post. I just feel overly emotional lately...highs and lows.

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It's scary stuff...and can take some time to make connections on here. Keep sharing stuff and those connections will come. Maybe start a blog? You write really well. I've noticed when people do that the people that relate to your story start to comment and people do this journey together. I've been coming on this site for a few years and see little communities pop up that support each other.

I've always been too inconsistent to do anything like that even though it probably would help.

Keep hydrated and keep breathing. Thats 2 essentials for me. I've started saying the mantra inhale exhale when I feel overwhelmed...the little things...they all add up.

Don Killan has an excellent site called 'merry joyous free' with loads of videos he's recorded. I listen to them alot. Here's one I've listened to today.

 

:hug:

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Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced so far throughout this process. I feel so tired and lost and confused and scared and sick. I was in a little window yesterday and the day before, but have been hit with a resurgence of symptoms. There is something about cloudy days. I woke up and the world looked grey, eerie, foreign, strange, warped, and distant again. Steven King type sh**. I feel like I have been living in some horror film or the twilight zone...maybe both. I am afraid of the trees, the sky, the grass, cars, my dog, my own body, everything. My emotions are all over the place...I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and went from smiling and laughing to crying and back again in the period of an hour. I get the urge to run outside and lay down in the rain and feel content with the world, and in the next breath I am contemplating my own suicide on the bathroom floor trying to claw my way out of my skin like a trapped animal (mental akathisia). I feel like my emotions are malfunctioning. Half of the time I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't know if this is even related since I haven't had any physical symptoms (so far), but I have been having the worst fatigue lately. I feel like I have a fever without actually having a high temperature...my body is exhausted and my eyes and face feel warm and numb. My thoughts make absolutely no sense whatsoever and at this point it's probably safe to say some of them are even delusional. I just want to sleep without having vivid, disturbing dreams all night long. I am basically a day away from 4 months post taper, why am I still having these vivid dreams? I had intrusive memories all day long, mostly of old dreams. Sometimes it feels so real that I almost feel like I am reliving the dreams. I don't feel connected to anybody or anything in this world at this point. I am afraid to live but I am afraid to die. I just want this nightmare to be over with already. I am starting to doubt that this is even withdrawal. Maybe I have always been this way, after all I did have bad anxiety and depression before...and I have been emotionally unstable for quite some time. I was only on 0.5 MG's of Klonopin for 5 months...can it really be THIS BAD?? I don't even feel like I have an identity anymore...it feels like somebody else is just dragging my tired body along through my pathetic excuse of a life. May 9th marks one year since my nervous breakdown/acute stress reaction after I was assaulted. I don't want May 9th to come around and feel like I am still in the same hell. What keeps you all going? I'd like to know some happy things, whatever it is that keeps you here.

 

Hi Franklin,

 

I'm sorry you are still suffering badly even just on benzo for a short time. I was on  Xanax for 10 years. I am 10 months out and at the moment still suffering badly with chest pain and breathing issues. I believe time is the healer but it is hard to believe the further we get out and still feeling bad. But I believe in the success stories. Today I am not so well so I'm on bed now. However, I do walk an hour a day, eating healthy, working, house chores, etc...I especially find walking in nature has helped.  Just do what you can and focus one day at a time. That has helped me. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there. I was told it does get better even though in the moment I feel disappointed. Just want you to know you are not a lone.

 

Tracy

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Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced so far throughout this process. I feel so tired and lost and confused and scared and sick. I was in a little window yesterday and the day before, but have been hit with a resurgence of symptoms. There is something about cloudy days. I woke up and the world looked grey, eerie, foreign, strange, warped, and distant again. Steven King type sh**. I feel like I have been living in some horror film or the twilight zone...maybe both. I am afraid of the trees, the sky, the grass, cars, my dog, my own body, everything. My emotions are all over the place...I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and went from smiling and laughing to crying and back again in the period of an hour. I get the urge to run outside and lay down in the rain and feel content with the world, and in the next breath I am contemplating my own suicide on the bathroom floor trying to claw my way out of my skin like a trapped animal (mental akathisia). I feel like my emotions are malfunctioning. Half of the time I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't know if this is even related since I haven't had any physical symptoms (so far), but I have been having the worst fatigue lately. I feel like I have a fever without actually having a high temperature...my body is exhausted and my eyes and face feel warm and numb. My thoughts make absolutely no sense whatsoever and at this point it's probably safe to say some of them are even delusional. I just want to sleep without having vivid, disturbing dreams all night long. I am basically a day away from 4 months post taper, why am I still having these vivid dreams? I had intrusive memories all day long, mostly of old dreams. Sometimes it feels so real that I almost feel like I am reliving the dreams. I don't feel connected to anybody or anything in this world at this point. I am afraid to live but I am afraid to die. I just want this nightmare to be over with already. I am starting to doubt that this is even withdrawal. Maybe I have always been this way, after all I did have bad anxiety and depression before...and I have been emotionally unstable for quite some time. I was only on 0.5 MG's of Klonopin for 5 months...can it really be THIS BAD?? I don't even feel like I have an identity anymore...it feels like somebody else is just dragging my tired body along through my pathetic excuse of a life. May 9th marks one year since my nervous breakdown/acute stress reaction after I was assaulted. I don't want May 9th to come around and feel like I am still in the same hell. What keeps you all going? I'd like to know some happy things, whatever it is that keeps you here.

 

Hi Franklin,

 

I'm sorry you are still suffering badly even just on benzo for a short time. I was on  Xanax for 10 years. I am 10 months out and at the moment still suffering badly with chest pain and breathing issues. I believe time is the healer but it is hard to believe the further we get out and still feeling bad. But I believe in the success stories. Today I am not so well so I'm on bed now. However, I do walk an hour a day, eating healthy, working, house chores, etc...I especially find walking in nature has helped.  Just do what you can and focus one day at a time. That has helped me. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there. I was told it does get better even though in the moment I feel disappointed. Just want you to know you are not a lone.

 

Tracy

 

Thank you so much for your reply! I am so sorry for your suffering, my symptoms have only been mental so far, I can't imagine having physical ones on top of this. I hope this will get better soon. Everything just feels very confusing and up and down lately, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

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Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced so far throughout this process. I feel so tired and lost and confused and scared and sick. I was in a little window yesterday and the day before, but have been hit with a resurgence of symptoms. There is something about cloudy days. I woke up and the world looked grey, eerie, foreign, strange, warped, and distant again. Steven King type sh**. I feel like I have been living in some horror film or the twilight zone...maybe both. I am afraid of the trees, the sky, the grass, cars, my dog, my own body, everything. My emotions are all over the place...I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and went from smiling and laughing to crying and back again in the period of an hour. I get the urge to run outside and lay down in the rain and feel content with the world, and in the next breath I am contemplating my own suicide on the bathroom floor trying to claw my way out of my skin like a trapped animal (mental akathisia). I feel like my emotions are malfunctioning. Half of the time I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't know if this is even related since I haven't had any physical symptoms (so far), but I have been having the worst fatigue lately. I feel like I have a fever without actually having a high temperature...my body is exhausted and my eyes and face feel warm and numb. My thoughts make absolutely no sense whatsoever and at this point it's probably safe to say some of them are even delusional. I just want to sleep without having vivid, disturbing dreams all night long. I am basically a day away from 4 months post taper, why am I still having these vivid dreams? I had intrusive memories all day long, mostly of old dreams. Sometimes it feels so real that I almost feel like I am reliving the dreams. I don't feel connected to anybody or anything in this world at this point. I am afraid to live but I am afraid to die. I just want this nightmare to be over with already. I am starting to doubt that this is even withdrawal. Maybe I have always been this way, after all I did have bad anxiety and depression before...and I have been emotionally unstable for quite some time. I was only on 0.5 MG's of Klonopin for 5 months...can it really be THIS BAD?? I don't even feel like I have an identity anymore...it feels like somebody else is just dragging my tired body along through my pathetic excuse of a life. May 9th marks one year since my nervous breakdown/acute stress reaction after I was assaulted. I don't want May 9th to come around and feel like I am still in the same hell. What keeps you all going? I'd like to know some happy things, whatever it is that keeps you here.

 

Hi Franklin,

 

I'm sorry you are still suffering badly even just on benzo for a short time. I was on  Xanax for 10 years. I am 10 months out and at the moment still suffering badly with chest pain and breathing issues. I believe time is the healer but it is hard to believe the further we get out and still feeling bad. But I believe in the success stories. Today I am not so well so I'm on bed now. However, I do walk an hour a day, eating healthy, working, house chores, etc...I especially find walking in nature has helped.  Just do what you can and focus one day at a time. That has helped me. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there. I was told it does get better even though in the moment I feel disappointed. Just want you to know you are not a lone.

 

Tracy

 

Thank you so much for your reply! I am so sorry for your suffering, my symptoms have only been mental so far, I can't imagine having physical ones on top of this. I hope this will get better soon. Everything just feels very confusing and up and down lately, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

 

You're very welcome. I do have mental symptoms. I feel dp/dr, feeling disconnected to the world most of the time, everyone, the world seems strange and weird to me. Feeling not right. However, these symptoms have been a little better lately. I also have intrusive thoughts and memory too. Things form the past just pop into my mind for a short time, I tried to be in the present and not focus on them too much.  Yes benzo wd is  roller coaster. Hang in there. This gets better in TIME!

 

Tracy

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Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced so far throughout this process. I feel so tired and lost and confused and scared and sick. I was in a little window yesterday and the day before, but have been hit with a resurgence of symptoms. There is something about cloudy days. I woke up and the world looked grey, eerie, foreign, strange, warped, and distant again. Steven King type sh**. I feel like I have been living in some horror film or the twilight zone...maybe both. I am afraid of the trees, the sky, the grass, cars, my dog, my own body, everything. My emotions are all over the place...I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and went from smiling and laughing to crying and back again in the period of an hour. I get the urge to run outside and lay down in the rain and feel content with the world, and in the next breath I am contemplating my own suicide on the bathroom floor trying to claw my way out of my skin like a trapped animal (mental akathisia). I feel like my emotions are malfunctioning. Half of the time I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't know if this is even related since I haven't had any physical symptoms (so far), but I have been having the worst fatigue lately. I feel like I have a fever without actually having a high temperature...my body is exhausted and my eyes and face feel warm and numb. My thoughts make absolutely no sense whatsoever and at this point it's probably safe to say some of them are even delusional. I just want to sleep without having vivid, disturbing dreams all night long. I am basically a day away from 4 months post taper, why am I still having these vivid dreams? I had intrusive memories all day long, mostly of old dreams. Sometimes it feels so real that I almost feel like I am reliving the dreams. I don't feel connected to anybody or anything in this world at this point. I am afraid to live but I am afraid to die. I just want this nightmare to be over with already. I am starting to doubt that this is even withdrawal. Maybe I have always been this way, after all I did have bad anxiety and depression before...and I have been emotionally unstable for quite some time. I was only on 0.5 MG's of Klonopin for 5 months...can it really be THIS BAD?? I don't even feel like I have an identity anymore...it feels like somebody else is just dragging my tired body along through my pathetic excuse of a life. May 9th marks one year since my nervous breakdown/acute stress reaction after I was assaulted. I don't want May 9th to come around and feel like I am still in the same hell. What keeps you all going? I'd like to know some happy things, whatever it is that keeps you here.

 

Hi Franklin,

 

I'm sorry you are still suffering badly even just on benzo for a short time. I was on  Xanax for 10 years. I am 10 months out and at the moment still suffering badly with chest pain and breathing issues. I believe time is the healer but it is hard to believe the further we get out and still feeling bad. But I believe in the success stories. Today I am not so well so I'm on bed now. However, I do walk an hour a day, eating healthy, working, house chores, etc...I especially find walking in nature has helped.  Just do what you can and focus one day at a time. That has helped me. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there. I was told it does get better even though in the moment I feel disappointed. Just want you to know you are not a lone.

 

Tracy

 

Thank you so much for your reply! I am so sorry for your suffering, my symptoms have only been mental so far, I can't imagine having physical ones on top of this. I hope this will get better soon. Everything just feels very confusing and up and down lately, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

 

You're very welcome. I do have mental symptoms. I feel dp/dr, feeling disconnected to the world most of the time, everyone, the world seems strange and weird to me. Feeling not right. However, these symptoms have been a little better lately. I also have intrusive thoughts and memory too. Things form the past just pop into my mind for a short time, I tried to be in the present and not focus on them too much.  Yes benzo wd is  roller coaster. Hang in there. This gets better in TIME!

 

Tracy

 

The DPDR is awful, I had DPDR before benzos for a very long time but this time it's different. Before when things felt unfamiliar, it was more of an alienated feeling from the world and my family. Now, it's on an entirely different level. It's eerie, creepy, twilight zone like, cold, threatening, and totally unfamiliar. I walked into the same mall I've been going to for 20 years and I had absolutely no idea where I was...I felt like I was in some mall in a parallel universe from beetle juice or something. The Depersonalization has stripped me of my entire identity and leaves me feeling like somebody else completely...like the real me is somewhere hiding in the back of my mind. Every human concept is weird and questionable. I have the worst rushes in the morning where I get a bunch of strange sensations, such as feeling like the shower is closing in on me and nothing exists outside of it...like I am standing on the ceiling instead of the floor...like the floor is building outwards...like I am 200 feet tall and then suddenly 10 centimeters tall. I have had very bizarre perceptual distortions, such as feeling something similar to the third man syndrome if you know what that is. Sometimes when I am in a group of people say consisting of three people, I will feel like there's actually four of us, with some undetectable presence that is entirely neutral somewhere mixed in the group. When I was driving home with my dad and sister in the beginning of my withdrawal, I could of sworn I felt somebody else in the car, I even looked back to see if it was true because it felt so real. My brain is so screwed up. I hope this isn't the new me. How could anybody possibly relate to me with such bizarre symptoms like that?

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I promise you I relate. I'm so glad you are posting because it makes me feel less alone. I don't always see people able to write as clearly and in as much detail as you write.

 

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I promise you I relate. I'm so glad you are posting because it makes me feel less alone. I don't always see people able to write as clearly and in as much detail as you write.

 

If you don't mind, could you maybe write a little bit about what you relate to and what you've felt? Thank you for the compliment. I think that's why this is so scary for me, because I am somebody who although may be depersonalized is highly aware of what's going on. Right now I am in the cafe at my school, and I feel completely numb and feverish. I have been acting manic and impulsive all day, but I am able to restrain myself to some degree. Never had that before.

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I can tell you a bit about what I experienced in those early months.

I relate to the identity stuff. I was completely lost and didn't recognise myself. It felt locked inside myself. The world seemed very separate from me and me from it and anything I had previously known. I felt like I could see or feel deeper meaning in things while things felt meaningless or frivolous at the same time.  Like I was able to interpret and read between the lines of literature, peoples body language. Eye contact with people was overwhelming. Hyper aware of eye contact. Sometimes it felt like a slap in the face.

I had hearing distortion more than perceptual distortion and would hear echos of sounds. Like a bell ringing would continue to ring in my head at the tone and pace and seem to go on. Like my senses weren't mine anymore.

I was taken off opiates and benzo's in a detox and I'm remembering now what that experience was like. They rang the bell I'm talking about to go to groups and I didn't know if it was my head or the actual bell.

There was a dense heavy feeling to the atmosphere like I was walking on the dark side of life on a kind of line in between.  I was reminded on a daily basis that our reality is now and was encouraged to keep things in the moment and that things would get better.

I was certain I'd regressed emotionally. I decided to address the emotions as they presented. So instead of saying I felt anxious I would identify that I felt terrified. Instead of depressed I'd see the misery upset and shame. Which helped me. Kind of own it as it was my truth. So kind of admit it and face the fear. I was in a rehab so we were encouraged to do this. I could not get off the benzo's on my own. I tried very hard but my life was too chaotic. I was off sick from work and was isolated living alone and had been agrophobic for 8 months rarely leaving the flat. I think the isolation added to my symptoms in this respect.

I see now in hindsight DP and DR is the body and brains way of protecting itself. And those early months there was some deep healing happening. It just didn't feel like it at the time.

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I can tell you a bit about what I experienced in those early months.

I relate to the identity stuff. I was completely lost and didn't recognise myself. It felt locked inside myself. The world seemed very separate from me and me from it and anything I had previously known. I felt like I could see or feel deeper meaning in things while things felt meaningless or frivolous at the same time.  Like I was able to interpret and read between the lines of literature, peoples body language. Eye contact with people was overwhelming. Hyper aware of eye contact. Sometimes it felt like a slap in the face.

I had hearing distortion more than perceptual distortion and would hear echos of sounds. Like a bell ringing would continue to ring in my head at the tone and pace and seem to go on. Like my senses weren't mine anymore.

I was taken off opiates and benzo's in a detox and I'm remembering now what that experience was like. They rang the bell I'm talking about to go to groups and I didn't know if it was my head or the actual bell.

There was a dense heavy feeling to the atmosphere like I was walking on the dark side of life on a kind of line in between.  I was reminded on a daily basis that our reality is now and was encouraged to keep things in the moment and that things would get better.

I was certain I'd regressed emotionally. I decided to address the emotions as they presented. So instead of saying I felt anxious I would identify that I felt terrified. Instead of depressed I'd see the misery upset and shame. Which helped me. Kind of own it as it was my truth. So kind of admit it and face the fear. I was in a rehab so we were encouraged to do this. I could not get off the benzo's on my own. I tried very hard but my life was too chaotic. I was off sick from work and was isolated living alone and had been agrophobic for 8 months rarely leaving the flat. I think the isolation added to my symptoms in this respect.

I see now in hindsight DP and DR is the body and brains way of protecting itself. And those early months there was some deep healing happening. It just didn't feel like it at the time.

 

Thank you for that detailed responese, and I am sorry for all of the similar pain you have been through. All of what you wrote is essentially how I feel. Everything has some deeper meaning but is at the same time meaningless. I think very spiritually lately, and I am usually quite the other way around. I am scared to feel healed, for some reason I equate that to being enlightened or awakened or living in some euphoric manic state. I just want normal stability with no deeper feelings, just appropriate BLISSFULLY IGNORANT happiness. How I would love to not be aware of half of what I feel. I hope things improve soon.

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It was intense for a while and I kept getting insights. I had thoughts that the rehab was like a house of god. One of the counsellors was hugging the trees. And I remember saying 'there she goes modelling her God'. So yeh I know what you mean.

I had awful lethargy and pain all over but then this head that was having insight after insight. It was intense. I remember thinking at the time that I was glad that I had used hallucinogenic drugs before or I'd of never believed the mind states I was in.

It gradually lessened over time and I rarely get the other wordly stuff.

It will calm down for you too. Gradually is the name of the game in withdrawal. No more shocks.

 

 

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Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced so far throughout this process. I feel so tired and lost and confused and scared and sick. I was in a little window yesterday and the day before, but have been hit with a resurgence of symptoms. There is something about cloudy days. I woke up and the world looked grey, eerie, foreign, strange, warped, and distant again. Steven King type sh**. I feel like I have been living in some horror film or the twilight zone...maybe both. I am afraid of the trees, the sky, the grass, cars, my dog, my own body, everything. My emotions are all over the place...I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and went from smiling and laughing to crying and back again in the period of an hour. I get the urge to run outside and lay down in the rain and feel content with the world, and in the next breath I am contemplating my own suicide on the bathroom floor trying to claw my way out of my skin like a trapped animal (mental akathisia). I feel like my emotions are malfunctioning. Half of the time I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't know if this is even related since I haven't had any physical symptoms (so far), but I have been having the worst fatigue lately. I feel like I have a fever without actually having a high temperature...my body is exhausted and my eyes and face feel warm and numb. My thoughts make absolutely no sense whatsoever and at this point it's probably safe to say some of them are even delusional. I just want to sleep without having vivid, disturbing dreams all night long. I am basically a day away from 4 months post taper, why am I still having these vivid dreams? I had intrusive memories all day long, mostly of old dreams. Sometimes it feels so real that I almost feel like I am reliving the dreams. I don't feel connected to anybody or anything in this world at this point. I am afraid to live but I am afraid to die. I just want this nightmare to be over with already. I am starting to doubt that this is even withdrawal. Maybe I have always been this way, after all I did have bad anxiety and depression before...and I have been emotionally unstable for quite some time. I was only on 0.5 MG's of Klonopin for 5 months...can it really be THIS BAD?? I don't even feel like I have an identity anymore...it feels like somebody else is just dragging my tired body along through my pathetic excuse of a life. May 9th marks one year since my nervous breakdown/acute stress reaction after I was assaulted. I don't want May 9th to come around and feel like I am still in the same hell. What keeps you all going? I'd like to know some happy things, whatever it is that keeps you here.

Hi Franklin,

Your description was a clear one and brought back the feelings and what I went through a few month ago. I cried like that also. That actually started happening when I was ON Klonopin. I became so sensitive!

I am sorry you are going through this- I ca tell you it does get better- but its hard as hell. You will get to the other side though. There's no dodging this stuff though. You were on a short time like me. I was on even shorter! Went through the same hell as you.

It's your body trying to heal. It is healing believe it or not. You will bounce back. It's a hard place to be. You will come out stronger though, I guarantee that! I am getting better and you will too.

I am here if you need to talk...

Sunny

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Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced so far throughout this process. I feel so tired and lost and confused and scared and sick. I was in a little window yesterday and the day before, but have been hit with a resurgence of symptoms. There is something about cloudy days. I woke up and the world looked grey, eerie, foreign, strange, warped, and distant again. Steven King type sh**. I feel like I have been living in some horror film or the twilight zone...maybe both. I am afraid of the trees, the sky, the grass, cars, my dog, my own body, everything. My emotions are all over the place...I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and went from smiling and laughing to crying and back again in the period of an hour. I get the urge to run outside and lay down in the rain and feel content with the world, and in the next breath I am contemplating my own suicide on the bathroom floor trying to claw my way out of my skin like a trapped animal (mental akathisia). I feel like my emotions are malfunctioning. Half of the time I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't know if this is even related since I haven't had any physical symptoms (so far), but I have been having the worst fatigue lately. I feel like I have a fever without actually having a high temperature...my body is exhausted and my eyes and face feel warm and numb. My thoughts make absolutely no sense whatsoever and at this point it's probably safe to say some of them are even delusional. I just want to sleep without having vivid, disturbing dreams all night long. I am basically a day away from 4 months post taper, why am I still having these vivid dreams? I had intrusive memories all day long, mostly of old dreams. Sometimes it feels so real that I almost feel like I am reliving the dreams. I don't feel connected to anybody or anything in this world at this point. I am afraid to live but I am afraid to die. I just want this nightmare to be over with already. I am starting to doubt that this is even withdrawal. Maybe I have always been this way, after all I did have bad anxiety and depression before...and I have been emotionally unstable for quite some time. I was only on 0.5 MG's of Klonopin for 5 months...can it really be THIS BAD?? I don't even feel like I have an identity anymore...it feels like somebody else is just dragging my tired body along through my pathetic excuse of a life. May 9th marks one year since my nervous breakdown/acute stress reaction after I was assaulted. I don't want May 9th to come around and feel like I am still in the same hell. What keeps you all going? I'd like to know some happy things, whatever it is that keeps you here.

Hi Franklin,

Your description was a clear one and brought back the feelings and what I went through a few month ago. I cried like that also. That actually started happening when I was ON Klonopin. I became so sensitive!

I am sorry you are going through this- I ca tell you it does get better- but its hard as hell. You will get to the other side though. There's no dodging this stuff though. You were on a short time like me. I was on even shorter! Went through the same hell as you.

It's your body trying to heal. It is healing believe it or not. You will bounce back. It's a hard place to be. You will come out stronger though, I guarantee that! I am getting better and you will too.

I am here if you need to talk...

Sunny

 

Thank you Sunny, I am happy (and sad) to hear from a fellow short time user. Who could of imagined we would be in so much pain from such short use. I became very sensitive and depressed on my last month of Klonopin, that is when I started self harming. I am also here if you need someone to listen also!

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It was intense for a while and I kept getting insights. I had thoughts that the rehab was like a house of god. One of the counsellors was hugging the trees. And I remember saying 'there she goes modelling her God'. So yeh I know what you mean.

I had awful lethargy and pain all over but then this head that was having insight after insight. It was intense. I remember thinking at the time that I was glad that I had used hallucinogenic drugs before or I'd of never believed the mind states I was in.

It gradually lessened over time and I rarely get the other wordly stuff.

It will calm down for you too. Gradually is the name of the game in withdrawal. No more shocks.

 

That is essentially what I feel. Reading your response makes me feel less alone and I actually do feel a bit better. We are all in this together.

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