Reinstated -help

[[Ir...]]

I am at 90 days off and I reinstated after a few really bad days that felt like it was death or reinstate.

 

I reinstated for four days, if I stop now do you think I have undone a lot of the healing? 

 

I hate this process and the nonstop anxiety eating at my stomach is driving me insane and I'm barely managing to keep my job of 20 years.

 

At what point do you just say fuck it and stay on.

 

I really want off, but if I have to start over there's no way, and this healing that no one seems to be able to put a time frame on is bullshit. I mean there are people on here suffering 2 years in.  I don't know how they get that far, and how do you ever know you will heal? 

 

I want to keep fighting this but I'm running out of steam.

 

[[Do...]]

what dose did you reinstate at?  This is the biggest indicator of whether you can stop or not due to seizure risks

 

[[Ni...]]

If you taper slow no more than 10% or 5% of your dose every 2 weeks you will keeo your job and functiinality and be off thar drug with little disconfort

 

You stopped 1mg of K wich equal 20mg valium in 4month. Its incredibly fast no wonder you are so bad .

 

Benzo are not meant to be tapered fast

[[Ch...]]

I don't necessarily agree with Dolphinator's point scientifically...but it is food for thought..

Based on the published information of how up and down regulation occurs, I think that you have probably NOT caused yourself a set back of any significance...I am curious, though, about whether the rescue doses helped you feel better?  A BB member who has been Benzo free for 8 months recently did a weekend rescue scenario and it gave her enough relief to return to a healing mode Benzo free without having to taper, it allowed her to see that her symptoms were the result of what the Benzos caused, not an underlying separate physical problem...if you do want to continue your journey to being Benzo free there is certainly no reason you could not restart your taper from where you are now if you don't want to just stop.

I am sorry we are all suffering from this damn drug...did you ever get a chance to read the origins of this whole class of drugs?  Hitler was involved!!!

[[Ir...]]

Yes I did get relief.  I have never reached tolerance or had an issue with tolerance withdrawal on Benzos.  I have struggled with alcoholism since I first started drinking at 13.  It was instant relief from the terrible and constant anxiety that I had throughout my childhood. Now I'm five years from my last drink but I am wondering if anxiety is my core underlying problem, will being Benzo free lead me to once again self medicate to aleve the symptoms.

 

I'm just so tired and I'm not sure why I'm fighting this so hard anymore.

[[Wi...]]

Why did you quit benzos to begin with? You dont seem to have any motivation to quit. I got off benzos because they no longer brought relief ie i was in tolerance withdrawal. Its astonishing youve never reached tolerance withdrawal. The entire time you were on benzos they actually did their job and helped you relax for 15 years? Ive read stories of people who never reached tolerance. I just couldnt believe it because i would reach tolerance on a certain dose literally 3 or 4 days after i took a certain dose. Youre saying you never experienced tolerance after 15 years. So if thats the case then why did you ever get off them to begin with if they brought you such relief? You stopped feeling anxiety for 15 years or did your anxiety increase? If the latter is true then you most likely were in tolerance withdrawl. I am curious why you quit to begin with. But if you do decide to re-quit i would suggest a mini 2 day taper. Thats foolish to do a long drawn out taper over 4 days use. Ive had several times in my life taken benzos for 10 days or so and i would do a 2 day detox and i was ok. A long drawn out taper would make it more difficult and take you back to square one. Good luck.

[[Ch...]]

Irish, until I had the horrible rebound out of control anxiety during my fast taper and acute withdrawal I didn't even realize I have suffered from anxiety basically forever...since the day I understood I have been learning about Anxiety Disorder and very very gradually learning how to recognize and reprogram myself...LOL, of course it is easier said than done!!!!  I am nowhere near as anxiety ridden as I was during taper and acute withdrawal, though...everything is so magnified while our body tries to reach an even keel without the psych meds.  What I am saying is that you very well could relapse back into meds or alcohol if they continue to be your "go to" method of dealing with life events....but you can learn new coping methods now while you are getting off the meds...getting relief from the rescue doses is a double edged sword...it is up to you to decide which path to take.

Many here at BB do not believe in tapers based on "stabilization", and that is their right, but slow and steady is OK, too, if it meets your needs, especially since you don't have tolerance issues that you are aware of.  And maybe for you going slowly will give you time to address the anxiety issues and keep your job without a seemingly unending hell.  Interesting to me is that you have already recognized that your stomach clenches, etc, so you can build on that to do early intervention during escalating anxiety times!! I wish for you to find a mentor/guide who is knowledgeable in Cognitive Behavior Therapy and/or Mindfulness Therapy...both are short sessions of proactive ways to learn new coping without going into the deep recesses of causes, etc.  Of course the library and internet are wonderful treasure troves!!!

Best wishes...

[[Ir...]]

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

So I did take Benzo' exactly as prescribed for about 11 years with no issues of tolerance that I was aware of. 

 

Late in 2012 I was prescribed a very powerful opiate for back pain. Opana is ten times stronger than morphine, and over the next three years I became very addicted to growing amounts of opiates. During that time my Benzo use skyrocketed all prescribed by the same doctor.

 

So not having a clue about Benzo withdrawal, I cold turkey'ed everything.  The opiate withdrawal came and went and what happened over the next five months was a living hell. 

 

I finally needed to stabilize on 3mg of klonopin a day.  Over the course of 2016 as my brain healed from the opiate abuse, I was able to go to two mg of klonopin a day. 

 

I am very active in AA and my recovery, so I had a personal goal to get off all drugs by 2017. The only two that I was on were 150mg of Wellbutrin and 1mg of Klonopin. 

 

Anyway, the reason I got off klonopin was simply to see what life would be like without the influence of a mind altering substance. 

 

The problem I am now having is the months of tapering, and now three months of healing will be all undone if I go back.  But I am miserable 24/7 and I don't know what to do. 

 

Is life really better Benzo free?  And how will I feel if I wait another year and still feel the exact same way? 

 

I wish medicine had a solution because I know that absolutely no one can tell me or anyone else how this journey will end or how long it will take.

[[bi...]]

Yes I did get relief.  I have never reached tolerance or had an issue with tolerance withdrawal on Benzos.  I have struggled with alcoholism since I first started drinking at 13.  It was instant relief from the terrible and constant anxiety that I had throughout my childhood. Now I'm five years from my last drink but I am wondering if anxiety is my core underlying problem, will being Benzo free lead me to once again self medicate to aleve the symptoms.

 

I'm just so tired and I'm not sure why I'm fighting this so hard anymore.

 

Man - this really hits home for me. I could have written this. I was drinking for over 25 years, started young too. I too, am close to losing a job where I worked my way up for 20 years. I never hit tolerance but decided to quit benzos because they were making me depressed and  i knew it was only a matter of time before they failed working then I would be screwed. I think Im just starting to meet the "real me" and i think he is a very anxious person with horrible anxiety and a major sleep disorder. Never had those problems when I drank. Makes me think......I wish I had an answer for you my friend. I am about to see what lies ahead. Seeing people go through this crap for years really is motivationally crushing. That's what I hate about this site sometimes. The horror stories. For people with anxiety, no bueno.  I feel your pain with reinstating. I come close to going to the ER several times a week to get some Klonopin because I know it will stop the torture and I will get a good night sleep and temporary reprieve from anxiety. I also grapple with just staying on the drug every day. Do not beat yourself up for reinstating. We all have a breaking point. We are human. We are being tortured. When you are being tortured, a primal urge to stop the torture is what makes us reinstate. It does not make you a bad person. You just wanted a break. I am scared I will reach a breaking point and that makes me scared. I see so much of myself in your post.

 

I hope people offer you some advise on how to proceed, but I do not think 3 days will really undo a heck of alot. A small setback, probably, or maybe not, but I really dont think you need to compeltely feel like you undid everything. Again, im no professional with this, but just my thought. I hope you find peace one day. God bless

[[Wi...]]

Irishman

Why did your benzo use skyrocket during opiate use? I hear everything your saying because i to have been addicted to alcohol etc. for decades. My point is that maybe you were in tolerance withdrawal but didnt recognise it as such. Ive read hundreds of benzo withdrawal stories and ive only read one from a girl who claimed she never reached tolerance. But then even she admitted that wasnt true and the actual fact was that she couldnt withstand the temporary rigor of withdrawal. The withdrawal will go away Irish. The stories on this website are the worst of the worst because there are tens of thousands of people that kick benzos without getting on this website. You could be in much better shape in a couple months. You cant let your fear rule your desire to kick benzos because then if you reinstated you would be kicking yourself that you "gave up." You said you wanna experience life drug free as im sure your family does also. Give it a shot. You can always reinstate down the line. The suffering will end-no doubt-then you can make a decision about whether you want to be a "lifer" on benzos or not. I assume you are of the frame of mind that you no longer wanna be a slave to any drugs and if you are truly 12 stepping you know in your heart its what Bill W had in mind as well. I truly hope fear doesnt dictate your decision and good luck whatever you decide Irish! Ps-ive been in a nasty ass wave for 2 days now yet im much better at the ten month mark and ive been experiencing a joy unlike any ive ever felt before benzos. It truly is incredible irish. Suffering ultimately brings incredible joy.

[[Ir...]]

Thanks man.  I'm gonna stick it out.  As painful as this is I am not ready to throw away the progress I've made. 

 

Such an exhausting process.  I pray for it to end. I pray for sleep and normalcy.

 

My Benzo use went up because 1) opiates and Benzos are awesome together and 2) I didn't realize that my 'anxiety' during my opiate addiction was actually opiate withdrawal and Benzos took the edge off.

 

Thanks again for all of your replies.  I really don't think I could live with myself if I gave up. But I certainly understand how it can happen.