Any suggestions would be nice- so confused

[[Wa...]]

I am coming into my 12 month off Benzos and have entered another wave (not as bad but still kicking). I am agitated and feeling so pissy. I have had a very difficult marriage and relationship that is going on 20 years. There is a history of serious abuse (me receiving it) and so much damage. There are parts of me that truly hate him and just want to run away. During my withdrawal, all of the hurt, anger and disappointment has turned to rage, disgust and just wanting to throat punch him (which I have not ever been a physical person). He is a narcissist through and through, now I truly see his colors and don't want to be with him. My problem is we have a 10 year old together that adores her family. I am trying to keep it together because he has threaten so many times to take her from me because I am crazy. I live in fear and just want to breathe for once in my life. I have no family that will help me and I am not wanting to go through this anymore. I feel like what life I have left in me is being sucked out of me. I don't know whether this is just the w/d talking or if I am really maybe getting to the core of how I don't want to be with him anymore.

 

Please, any thoughts, suggestions or anything...I want to run around my house screaming and throwing stuff which is NOT me at all!!!!

[[pn...]]

If there is physical abuse, get away from it. Hopefully you have documented anything in the past. It is never good to raise a child in a bad relationship. They see they learn and they blame themselves.

 

That said, during withdrawal is probably not the best time to make life choices. Our brains are way too scrambled for rational thinking.

[[Na...]]

IMO, this is a total toxic relationship and you need to do what is best for you. If that means getting out, then get out. Yes, things like this are hard on everyone including your 10 yr old.......and it's a shame that the kids are stuck in the middle and suffer. But you will be better for it and will be better for your daughter in the long run. Kids are sharp and she will figure out who is who and whats what. 

[[pu...]]

I know all about being trapped in a toxic relationship AND benzo withdrawal.

 

It's enough to push anyone over the edge!

 

You need to save yourself.

 

Being in a toxic relationship makes it impossible to be a good mother. Sounds like your main concern is being a good mother!

 

If you leave this relationship, you will still be able to be a good mother.

 

You will most likely be able to be a BETTER mother if you take care of yourself.

 

The fighting between you and your partner will eventually start to stress you child out too, so if you split up

things most likely have the potential to much better for EVERYONE.

 

So keep in mind taking care of yourself is taking care of your child, that's my imo.

 

[[Wa...]]

Thank you all so much... I want out so badly, I just don't know how to do it. I walk on egg shells all the time and it is a constant struggle. I start seeing the light and feeling like I can make it or life is gonna get better and like clock work, he has a problem with it and starts up some shit. I feel like a complete ass afterwards because I am the one with the egg on my face. I am tired of all of this and just want to smile again, I just want to run away but I can't because of my daughter. I love my kids so much and want the best for them, I just don't think I can stay married anymore to keep my youngest happy. I am been so afraid I would screw her up by divorcing but I am coming to believe that I am doing more damage by staying because I don't like the person I am when I am with him.

[[pu...]]

I am coming to believe that I am doing more damage by staying because I don't like the person I am when I am with him.

 

Now I know nothing about marriage but this is exactly what I was thinking, and you have to tell yourself that you are doing this for the best.

 

Maybe look into a divorce counseling or a therapist for divorce. There's definitely professional help out there and you can find, because this is very common. I wish you the best!