47 days in on rapid taper...A question

[[Ch...]]

Hi everyone,

On Friday I was 47 days in on an extremely rapid taper from valium: Starting dose 30mgs/day for 13 years, went to 20mgs/day for 2 weeks, then to 15 for 2 weeks, then to 10, now at 7.5. I was forced into this rapid taper & the doc refuses to re-instate me. 2 weeks into the taper I was forced to c/t off of 12.5mgs of ambien that I had been on for about the same amount of time-@ 12 years. The withdrawal symptoms became absolutely unbearable on Friday (I've had every single horrid withdrawal symptom all at the same time), & around 1:30am I caved & took 1mg of ativan & 12.5mgs (1 pill) ambien. For a couple hours I felt almost "normal", but then my heart started pounding, I threw up multiple times & I was wide awake & couldn't sit still. It's been over 24 hours & I still feel funny with lots of derealization but the withdrawals don't feel the same as they did before I "rescue dosed". I feel like I'm on speed! Does anyone have any idea why these pills did this to me at this point in my taper? & have I kindled myself now? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated because I'm really scared & I don't understand what's happening to me. Thanks

[[no...]]

Basically, you have been taking a central nervous system depressant for a long time. Your body has down regulated receptor sites, and has stopped producing the natural gaba chemicals that we normally produce, because the Valium was constantly in your system, and it is much stronger than endogenous GABA chemicals.

 

You did a pretty fast taper, and Valium stays in your system a while, so you may have only taken 30 mg a day, but it starts to overlap and build up because it stays in your system for so long.

 

These symptoms will ease over time. It is impossible to say exactly what will happen because it is a unique experience for everyone that goes through it.

 

Some get little to no withdrawal. Some have a couple weeks and then normalize quickly. And some do take a long time to fully heal, but most symptoms should ease around 1 it 2 months

[[be...]]

From experience, I think the Valium cuts have a way to sneak up on your when least expected. So that may be your case. But I can't help you answer why those updoses affected you the way they did. I find it rather odd but then again benzos are very odd. I bet if you hold at your dose you will eventually feel better, but I hope you have enough benzos to use. Some doctor!

 

Betsy

[[Ch...]]

Thank you guys for your replies. It gives me great hope to think that all these symptoms should start to ease up @ 2 months after I take my last pill. There is an end in sight! Unfortunately because of this forced extremely rapid taper I'm experiencing EVERY SINGLE withdrawal symptom all at the same time. Right now my vision is blurred, my heart is pounding, my head feels 3 feet wide & like it's in a vice grip, & the derealization is staggering. I don't feel in control over my reality anymore & it's really, really scary. & yeah, my "Dr" sucks & could care less. Please wish me luck~in 4 days I have to drop to 5mgs. I'm really scared of these final cuts I have to make because they're all huge: 7.5-5, 5-2.5, 2.5-1.25, 1.25-0.5, then I'm jumping off. & I only have enough of my last prescription left to hold for only 2 weeks at each dose. Any reassurances & good thoughts/ideas are welcome! I also have another question: Has anyone else had the symptom of seeing yourself as ugly & distorted? I can't look in the mirror for very long because all I can focus on are my flaws, which before were manageable but now are hideously blown way out of proportion. (I'm talking about acne, etc). & I apologize if some of this doesn't make any sense; I'm having trouble understanding what basic words mean & it's hard for me to form sentences that seem to make sense.

[[be...]]

Thank you guys for your replies. It gives me great hope to think that all these symptoms should start to ease up @ 2 months after I take my last pill. There is an end in sight! Unfortunately because of this forced extremely rapid taper I'm experiencing EVERY SINGLE withdrawal symptom all at the same time. Right now my vision is blurred, my heart is pounding, my head feels 3 feet wide & like it's in a vice grip, & the derealization is staggering. I don't feel in control over my reality anymore & it's really, really scary. & yeah, my "Dr" sucks & could care less. Please wish me luck~in 4 days I have to drop to 5mgs. I'm really scared of these final cuts I have to make because they're all huge: 7.5-5, 5-2.5, 2.5-1.25, 1.25-0.5, then I'm jumping off. & I only have enough of my last prescription left to hold for only 2 weeks at each dose. Any reassurances & good thoughts/ideas are welcome! I also have another question: Has anyone else had the symptom of seeing yourself as ugly & distorted? I can't look in the mirror for very long because all I can focus on are my flaws, which before were manageable but now are hideously blown way out of proportion. (I'm talking about acne, etc). & I apologize if some of this doesn't make any sense; I'm having trouble understanding what basic words mean & it's hard for me to form sentences that seem to make sense.

 

I did in the past. I was so horrified that I put cloths over my mirrors. I feel like doing the very same now. It does get better, or so I've read.

[[Ch...]]

Thanks for answering so quickly. I'm so sorry you're having this same symptom; it's so weird & horrible! But it eases my mind a bit to know that I'm not alone & that this is a withdrawal symptom. If I'm not careful, I'll spend hours picking at my face & then it looks even worse! Putting cloths over the mirrors is a good idea~thanks for the tip. It's such a weird thing to experience. I've been through heroin, methadone, & multiple other c/t withdrawals & never have I experienced anything so horrible as the withdrawals that have come with benzos. It's completely life-altering. I hate washing my face/showering because I have to deal with how I look. I just try to remember that I didn't feel THIS ugly before this all started.

[[be...]]

Thanks for answering so quickly. I'm so sorry you're having this same symptom; it's so weird & horrible! But it eases my mind a bit to know that I'm not alone & that this is a withdrawal symptom. If I'm not careful, I'll spend hours picking at my face & then it looks even worse! Putting cloths over the mirrors is a good idea~thanks for the tip. It's such a weird thing to experience. I've been through heroin, methadone, & multiple other c/t withdrawals & never have I experienced anything so horrible as the withdrawals that have come with benzos. It's completely life-altering. I hate washing my face/showering because I have to deal with how I look. I just try to remember that I didn't feel THIS ugly before this all started.

 

I avoid this by never taking a shower. Feel for ya, though. Feel for me too. I'm sure your face will go back to normal after this is all said and done. I dearly hope so. But it will be another year taper for me. Ugh!

[[be...]]

You're definitely not alone...that's for sure. Showers for me lol require very special preparation. There's mirrors on both sides of the bathroom leading into the shower. Two big ones are full length. I simply don't look left. I just don't do it. But here's the thing. In time I honestly believe we'll all be better. We'll look in the mirror and finally feel good about it. But like many I couldn't face a mirror on full dose. Who was that person? But I do get glimpses of that person now..for better or for worse. Ah, to be free of all this. What a terrific thought. It's the thought I keep repeating to myself. I will heal. I will heal. If I didn't believe that I may as well throw in the towel. But where would I go? I can't stay on these drugs anymore. I just can't. So time to get off. I'm really sorry you have such a bad doctor but I guess you'll have to try and simply cope unless you can find a new one. I did a rapid taper from Ativan and klonopin but survived. Now the Valium remains. Argh! But no mirrors are not my friend. Hoping that they will eventually be my friend again. Hang in there. 

[[be...]]

BB:

 

What dose are you on now? 5 mg?

[[Re...]]

You're all beautiful, ladies.  Spoken by a human talking, not a mirror!!!!  Be strong and stay on your path.  I know that you are having a big challenge.  You can do it, though!!!!

[[Ch...]]

Thank you everyone for all the posts & kind comments. Yes, I just went down to 5mgs last night. Friday night through part of Saturday I had my first window since starting this taper! Omg it felt so good~I felt almost completely "normal" & even a little bit bored! Oh, it felt so good! Even though I'm back to feeling crappy today (there isn't a physical or mental symptom that I HAVEN'T experienced), it gave me great hope that I'm going to heal; & I took it as a sign that I'm already starting to heal. The brain & body are so extraordinary & they really work hard together fighting to survive & to right the wrongs it feels. I can't wait until this poison is completely out of my system. I'm still having the trouble with the mirrors & my appearance, but I had a "eureka!" moment the other day: I don't need to be pretty to enjoy life. About the mirrors, I took your guy's advice & I just don't look in them unless I have to, & that helps. I am so grateful for all of you who have taken the time to write a reply; I don't have any kind of support system & I live alone so sharing thoughts with all of you is helping me so much. I'm so sorry you all are going through this too; I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but it's nice to know I'm not alone & that other people feel the way I do. I have another question: Is anyone else experiencing extreme lethargy/apathy? Just the thought of getting up off the couch to go to the bathroom is like a monumental task. Sometimes I wait until I absolutely can't hold it anymore before I get up. I feel this way about everything~emptying the trash, feeding the cat, getting a glass of milk, etc. I'm also experiencing numbness in my face, hands & forearms but especially my face. Anyone else? Yeah, my little window is fading fast; I can feel the derealization & vice grip headache coming on even as I type this...arrghh 😠😟😳😰