Gussy88 back again and in trouble!

[[Gu...]]

Hi to all who remember me.

 

My last post was in mid 2014 and I was still having many issues a year off benzos. Sadly I ignored your pertinent advice and reinstated the valium in January 2015 because I still couldn't sleep. The tragedy is that I was beginning to feel so much better and that was my last remaining symptom.

 

All went well for a couple of years except I had painful foot surgery that caused an opiate dependence as well. Now that's under control. I started back on 2.5mg of valium thinking I could control it this time and use sparingly. I was wrong.  My valium has crept up to 10mg a night and occasionally more. I've been working, caring for my family and my wife gave birth to our third child in December 2016. Things were going along ok but I noticed I was becoming more and more apathetic but nothing serious. Cognitively I'm not as sharp. I could go running and enjoy my family. I was drinking a little too much, 2-3 glasses of wine per night.

 

Then about two to three weeks ago I was hit with a profound, searing depression that hasn't lifted yet. I can barely function and stay in my room when I'm not working. My beautiful kids don't know what's wrong with me. This kind of depression is one that makes suicide a real temptation particularly due to the hole I've dug for myself.

 

I don't know whether this recent bout of awful depression is due to tolerance WD because I had episodes of major depression and suicide ideation long before I ever found a benzo. But it seems likely. I don't even feel 10mg anymore at all and I've noticed sweats, flushing and feelings of heat for no reason.

 

What should I do? I'm very scared that I've ruined my life and that of my family. 10mg Val might not seem like much but last time I came off just that amount was a horrendous nightmare which never finished including 6 visits to the ER for heart palpitations. And that was with a fairly slow taper.

 

I'm thinking of doing a three week taper this time and then trying baclofen which has been used with some success. Knowing the hellish depression I will face in getting off valium a second time (my worst symptom), I've just started 20mg Prozac which I'm hoping will help me with the taper.

 

Any ideas? I feel like such a bloody fool.

 

[[tw...]]

It's crazy how we forget the horrible experience of what it took to get off benzos & let them creep back into our lives, isn't it? I would wager you could be in tolerance and (based on my own personal experience) if you've also been drinking pretty regularly, you are probably giving your gaba receptors a run for their money. I actually got WAY worse when I decreased my alcohol intake, then would have to increase my benzo dose.

 

I think it may be time for you to try & taper again? Or at least curb the drinking for sure. Benzos & alcohol can make a nasty combination. And it sneaks up on you.

[[So...]]

I am so sorry that you were going through all of this again I can't even imagine the stress of also having a new child in the house and also feeling that soul crushing depression,  I have been on Prozac since the beginning of my taper and for many years prior and I do definitely feel as though it has helped with the with drawl symptoms quite a bit I also have a lease suggest getting tested to see if you have the MTHF are genetic mutation  you can do it through a blood test especially if you have insurance you can just go and ask for it but basically it means that your body can't process full lick acid like regular people can and a lot of times you need to take a supplement to help  like methyl folate or Deplin which is a prescription grade type of methyl folate I added it to my regimen well I was feeling depressed during benzo withdrawal after finding out that I had the genetic mutation and it has made a world of difference to my withdrawal and I am laughing again singing happy and I know you will be to benzo's are a real bitch and I can't imagine going through it while also having a family but I am sure the last  thing in the entire world they would want is to lose you as a father just the fact that you came on the site seeking help wanting to be better for your family means you're an amazing husband and father so don't give up you can do this and we are all here for you

[[Gu...]]

Thanks guys for your support.

 

Yeah its a hard place to be and I only have my self to blame. Knowing the hell I went through getting off valium last time, my Dr suggested staying on a maintenance dose and 'be a father' (knowing that tapering off might disconnect me from everything in my life and I might not even be able to keep my job) but that may not be an option. I was actually feeling ok with the 10mg and couple of glasses of wine per night until this depression hit me from left field.

 

I started the Prozac 3 days ago and although the depression has lifted somewhat, I don't like it. I just feel apathetic and numb. The visceral emotional pain is better but I don't feel like doing anything. I think SSRI's turn you into zombies and its been proven that the withdrawal from them is often just as harrowing and long lasting, or maybe even worse, than benzo wd. Scientific research has suggested that they may actually cause irreversible brain damage that benzos don't even do. There are now 'Antidepressant Withdrawal' websites and support groups popping up everywhere like this one. The Prozac also has bad side effects including making me asexual.

 

I'm thinking of discontinuing the Prozac and seeing if the depression lifts if I don't drink. Any ideas?