Three Months Off - Accidental Clonazepam CT

[[Co...]]

Hello Buddies!  I believe this past week was my 12th week off clonazepam - I'm not sure of exact date of my last dose, but think it was the last week of December 2016.  It's still a great struggle for me, but I consider the milestone to be a celebration because it's 90 days that I won't ever have to repeat. 

 

I felt so drastically improved after the horror of the first six weeks or so, that I thought I might be one of the lucky ones and heal quickly, but I'm looking at things more realistically now, and know I still have a long ways to go.  Overall, all symptoms are improved except anxiety, depression, and cog fog.  Physical symptoms are still present, but definitely diminished.  Still have DP/DR, but less "nightmarish."  Sleep, thank goodness, is improved.  In fact, most nights I get several hours of good sleep with normal dreams.  I average about 3 nights/week of moderate insomnia, still waking up with the freaking panic attacks, but I can handle it since I know the cause, and I'm no longer fearing that I'm losing my mind.  I had a few sporadic moments of mild euphoria in the second month, and boy, I sure do miss that now.  Even at the time, it seemed too good to be true - I think the euphoria is an indication of the intense disequilibrium in my CNS, so the fact that it's gone is probably good and means that the rollercoaster has settled down a bit.  It was pretty sweet to be reminded of how it feels to be happy.  With so many years of SSRIs and benzos, I've been emotionally flatlining for so very long now, I had forgotten happiness. 

 

I haven't found much that really seems to help.  Sometimes l-theanine seems to take the edge off the anxiety, but sometimes it doesn't.  L-tryptophan revs up some of the physical sxs (head buzzing, pressure, brain zaps), but it also makes me sleepy and smooths out the "tired but wired" feeling.  I take melatonin, but not really sure if it's helping much.  My anxiety baseline now ranges from a 3 - 8 on a scale of 10, and that's an improvement from the 6 -10 that I had in the first 6-8 weeks.  Depression is pretty bad, and that's the one that scares me the most because it's the thing that led me to SSRIs and benzos in the first place.  I'm hopeful that once I heal from the iatragenic benzo damage, I'll be in a better spot to problem-solve the depression issues.  I've tried vitamin D, magnesium citrate, and 5-htp, but didn't find any noticeable improvement, and began to wonder if it makes anxiety worse... jury's still out for me on whether or not any supplementation is a good idea right now while my system is trying to create equilibrium.  I've decided that if depression is still significant for me at the 12 - 18 month point, I'll find an integrative or functional practitioner who understands mood disorders and be able to heal organically.  I'm hopeful though, that it will improve as I heal from this. 

 

Cog fog seems better some days, but not always.  Many of these symptoms have been with me for the past 3 years, as I believe I've been in tolerance withdrawal, or maybe they're just benzo side effects, and cog fog has been the most debilitating as it affects everything - certainly how I can perform at work, but also just my ability to keep up with the household and daily tasks.  Little things like laundry with multiple steps from sorting to folding are impossible.  I've learned to break cleaning the kitchen down to individual steps.  I can't just "clean the kitchen," but I can empty the dishwasher, and then maybe later load it or wash a couple pots, or wipe off a counter.  These limitations frighten me.  I'm using a meal service (Hello Fresh), and that helps me keep healthy food in the house, and I have an easier time cooking because it's step by step, and everything's ready to go.  I'm mostly just letting everything slide for now, though, because there's not much else I can do. 

 

I'm seeing a great therapist - she "hears me" about the withdrawal issues, but doesn't really get it.  I'm not sure how helpful therapy is going to be in helping me get better, but I know it's still giving me better coping skills.  My therapist has observed that the wd sxs are very similar to PTSD sxs, so she's treating this all as trauma-related.  I think it's kind of a moot point if it's trauma or whatever, and guess it can't hurt to learn the same ways of coping.  It also makes sense to me to try to heal some of the painful memories that are relentlessly surfacing and looping for days.  It just seems like it's an opportune time to resolve some garbage as my brain is re-wiring, rather than just stuffing it all back in there, if that makes sense. 

 

Well, I didn't intend this to be so long-winded.  Partly, I'm just pretty long-winded by nature, and I'm also obsessing over everything - seems to be another sx.  I just thought I'd document the milestone.  It isn't particularly encouraging right now, but maybe it will be one of these days when I can compare it to six months and nine months and a year....  I'm not seeing progress day by day, or really even week by week, but do see improvement month by month. 

 

Wherever you are in your healing, I know we're all going to heal completely, and I wish you all the very best.  I'm so grateful to God for BB - I wouldn't be here without the wisdom and support of all of you. 

[[Af...]]

Hello Buddies!  I believe this past week was my 12th week off clonazepam - I'm not sure of exact date of my last dose, but think it was the last week of December 2016.  It's still a great struggle for me, but I consider the milestone to be a celebration because it's 90 days that I won't ever have to repeat. 

 

I felt so drastically improved after the horror of the first six weeks or so, that I thought I might be one of the lucky ones and heal quickly, but I'm looking at things more realistically now, and know I still have a long ways to go.  Overall, all symptoms are improved except anxiety, depression, and cog fog.  Physical symptoms are still present, but definitely diminished.  Still have DP/DR, but less "nightmarish."  Sleep, thank goodness, is improved.  In fact, most nights I get several hours of good sleep with normal dreams.  I average about 3 nights/week of moderate insomnia, still waking up with the freaking panic attacks, but I can handle it since I know the cause, and I'm no longer fearing that I'm losing my mind.  I had a few sporadic moments of mild euphoria in the second month, and boy, I sure do miss that now.  Even at the time, it seemed too good to be true - I think the euphoria is an indication of the intense disequilibrium in my CNS, so the fact that it's gone is probably good and means that the rollercoaster has settled down a bit.  It was pretty sweet to be reminded of how it feels to be happy.  With so many years of SSRIs and benzos, I've been emotionally flatlining for so very long now, I had forgotten happiness. 

 

I haven't found much that really seems to help.  Sometimes l-theanine seems to take the edge off the anxiety, but sometimes it doesn't.  L-tryptophan revs up some of the physical sxs (head buzzing, pressure, brain zaps), but it also makes me sleepy and smooths out the "tired but wired" feeling.  I take melatonin, but not really sure if it's helping much.  My anxiety baseline now ranges from a 3 - 8 on a scale of 10, and that's an improvement from the 6 -10 that I had in the first 6-8 weeks.  Depression is pretty bad, and that's the one that scares me the most because it's the thing that led me to SSRIs and benzos in the first place.  I'm hopeful that once I heal from the iatragenic benzo damage, I'll be in a better spot to problem-solve the depression issues. I've tried vitamin D, magnesium citrate, and 5-htp, but didn't find any noticeable improvement, and began to wonder if it makes anxiety worse... jury's still out for me on whether or not any supplementation is a good idea right now while my system is trying to create equilibrium.  I've decided that if depression is still significant for me at the 12 - 18 month point, I'll find an integrative or functional practitioner who understands mood disorders and be able to heal organically.  I'm hopeful though, that it will improve as I heal from this. 

 

Cog fog seems better some days, but not always.  Many of these symptoms have been with me for the past 3 years, as I believe I've been in tolerance withdrawal, or maybe they're just benzo side effects, and cog fog has been the most debilitating as it affects everything - certainly how I can perform at work, but also just my ability to keep up with the household and daily tasks.  Little things like laundry with multiple steps from sorting to folding are impossible.  I've learned to break cleaning the kitchen down to individual steps.  I can't just "clean the kitchen," but I can empty the dishwasher, and then maybe later load it or wash a couple pots, or wipe off a counter.  These limitations frighten me.  I'm using a meal service (Hello Fresh), and that helps me keep healthy food in the house, and I have an easier time cooking because it's step by step, and everything's ready to go.  I'm mostly just letting everything slide for now, though, because there's not much else I can do. 

 

I'm seeing a great therapist - she "hears me" about the withdrawal issues, but doesn't really get it.  I'm not sure how helpful therapy is going to be in helping me get better, but I know it's still giving me better coping skills.  My therapist has observed that the wd sxs are very similar to PTSD sxs, so she's treating this all as trauma-related.  I think it's kind of a moot point if it's trauma or whatever, and guess it can't hurt to learn the same ways of coping.  It also makes sense to me to try to heal some of the painful memories that are relentlessly surfacing and looping for days. It just seems like it's an opportune time to resolve some garbage as my brain is re-wiring, rather than just stuffing it all back in there, if that makes sense. 

 

Well, I didn't intend this to be so long-winded.  Partly, I'm just pretty long-winded by nature, and I'm also obsessing over everything - seems to be another sx.  I just thought I'd document the milestone.  It isn't particularly encouraging right now, but maybe it will be one of these days when I can compare it to six months and nine months and a year....  I'm not seeing progress day by day, or really even week by week, but do see improvement month by month. 

 

Wherever you are in your healing, I know we're all going to heal completely, and I wish you all the very best.  I'm so grateful to God for BB - I wouldn't be here without the wisdom and support of all of you.

 

I’m so glad I found this – what an amazing update, Coming Home! 

Seriously, for someone who didn’t even know that benzos could be addicting 3 months ago, you have REALLY educated yourself, and gotten your head on straight about this – bravo!

 

It’s a major milestone when you can let go of the fear that you’re losing your mind.

 

And another milestone to recognize that you will be able to feel happiness again, and not just in a euphoric, passing moment.

 

It’s incredible that you already realize that your pre-existing depression may need some attention down the road, but that you’re willing to stabilize before exploring how to address that.

 

And yes, I used to break all of my tasks down to individual steps too, and it really helped me. And I too, made use of a food service to help keep healthy foods on the table without undue stress. Good tips!

 

I know how incredibly organized you are, so it’s another big achievement that you’re now willing to let some things slide, in favor of your peace of mind and recovery. Keep it up.

 

And yes again, this is the perfect time to get the garbage out of your brain – it’s amazing that you can see this as an opportunity, and you will benefit because of your open mind.

 

As for the obsessive thoughts – yes, yes again, it’s a symptom, for sure. Someday you’ll even be able to chuckle over the things that you might be obsessing on….

 

I used to obsess about having to make left-hand turns while driving. I was convinced somebody was going to zoom up out of nowhere and hit me. I used to plan my routes with right hand turns only…. and I don’t even live in a big city with tons of traffic. Nope, it was just chemical anxiety.

 

Major congrats, ComingHome, and thanks for detailing so many important improvements – you’ve got this!

love, Aft

[[be...]]

Healing is typically a gradual process. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction from your early days. :smitten:

[[Co...]]

thank you, BRC - I can't tell you how happy and relieved I was to "meet" you when you welcomed my introductory post.  I knew I wasn't alone anymore.

 

Love ya, Aft - thanks for the sweet and wise feedback! 

[[Kl...]]

Hang in there, around 90 days I started to see some relief and improvements and started to have some good windows. I hope you feel better soon!

[[Co...]]

Hang in there, around 90 days I started to see some relief and improvements and started to have some good windows. I hope you feel better soon!

 

Thank you.  I had a bit of a window on Monday, lousy again yesterday, and then feeling pretty good today!  This all after a horrible wave...  I definitely feel that I'm healing.  I appreciate your encouragement. 

[[Kl...]]

You definitely are! Just remember even when you have an uptick in symptoms, you are still getting better. Usually after a week or two or more symptoms, it drops down. I've noticed that healing really is linear over time, it just doesn't always feel like it.

 

 

[[be...]]

Want to take the time to says congrats ---- it gets better

[[Co...]]

Thank you for that, BeBop. It always means so much to hear from someone on the other side.