My benzo journey. How I got here!!!

[[Ta...]]

 

 

Just thought I would touch base after my 12 months anniversary  and let you all know how I got here in the first place!!

 

My journey started in 2002.  I lost both of my parents within two years of each other in horrific circumstances.  Dad had suffered a stroke at the age of 42 and left him paralysed down his left side. He struggled through life and then started to have seizures at the age of 70 which caused his death.

Mum passed two years later.  She had been in hospital to have some cancer lesions cut off and wasn't real stable on her feet. On returning home she decided to have a shower without help. She slipped in the shower and got stuck with the burning water scalding her. I arrived just as she was taken out of the shower and it was the most horrifying thing I've ever seen.  She was a dialysis patient and the loss of fluid caused her body to break down and we lost her in 5 days.  She died 2 days after Xmas.  It was so heart breaking. 

 

I suppose as time went on it all caught up with me and I suffered with depression and anxiety. I had three young children at this stage and it was just so hard.  I was prescribed antidepressants and benzos in 2005.

I was on the benzos for about 2 months when the doc decided it was time for me to come off them because I was going so well.  Apparently the antidepressant was doing its job underneath.  I don't know what made me do it but I peeled back the label on the benzo bottle and I was surprised to see 3mg instead of 0.5mg.(no wonder I felt well as I was on five times the dose)

 

I wasn't up to date with benzo back then but when I told my doctor about the 3mg he went into panic mode.  I had to be weaned off the drug and that took about a year. I was still ignorant to it all and I really didn't have any idea as to what was going on for that year and even when I went into withdrawl.  I was told when I came off it that I would have some ordinary weeks and then all would be fine. I continued to be unwell and was just under the impression that I had other things going on.  I tried so many different things - hormone tablets, changed antidepressants, natural supplements ..................................  I did eventually get well after a year and life just went on.  I got better as the years went by.

So that was my first adventure with them!!!!

 

In 2012 I was travelling along really well and life was great.  Unfortunately I went down with blood poisoning (septicaemia) and was close to dying. I was rushed to hospital on Mothers Day and spent close to ten days in care.  When I returned home I was extremely weak and within 3 weeks I was hit with the most horrific anxiety.  It was the worse I had ever experienced and it just never went away. This is when I started taking the benzos again. (I still didn't know what I know now about them now at this stage)  I only took them when the anxiety was crippling and at a very low dose. I went to 3 doctors and asked their opinion about them and they said that at the low dose and the amount of times I took it (couple of times a month)  I would be fine. I took their word for it and continued on like this for 4 years.  I got to the stage where the anxiety was returning with a vengeance and the benzo amount wasn't hitting the sides.  The alarm bells rang when the benzos weren't helping.  This is what started me on my second journey of withdrawl.  This second journey is completely different because I now know so much about benzos and the cruel invasion they have on our bodies. I have access to the internet this time round and know exactly what's going on. If I didn't find benzo buddies I don't know where I would be now.  I've been trying to compare my journeys but that's impossible and not productive.  I have to stay focused and live in this one.  I was much better at 12 months out the first time but I have to remember that  withdrawl  journeys are all different.

 

One question I've never had answered is why did the anxiety come back with such vengeance after blood poisoning??  Doctors can't give me an answer for this one. All I can come up with is the blood poisoning caused so much inner stress on my body that it must have effected my CNS. I've never been the same since blood poisoning and I'm praying that my inner body is still healing from it.

Sorry for such a long post but it felt good to get this all down in writing.

 

So this is my second time around although I feel it's my first because this time I actually know exactly what's  going on. It's not any easier but at least I know what's going on this time and it will get better eventually.

 

Stay strong everyone and take time for yourself each day.

Tallow Love

:smitten: :smitten:

[[Ch...]]

We all have a story and thank God we have BB to come to when we are ready to share...thank you for sharing your story..

Best wishes...

[[Ta...]]

Thanks Choco.

The comfort I get from everyone here is beyond words.

What a beautiful little community we have.

Wishing you better days.

Tallow

  :smitten: