Morning Tears

[[Fe...]]

My 20 month old son had a rough night and woke up around 4:15 AM needing to be rocked and soothed. As I'm holding him, feeling his soft hair and smelling the sweet baby smell, I am overcome by guilt. He deserves the best of me. How could I allow myself to become dependent on a drug? How do I make it through this while still being everything he needs me to be?

 

I feel like I've completely failed my family. I just want it to be over so I can be healthy and whole. I don't know where I'm going with this...I guess I just needed to write.

[[Gr...]]

I know what you mean.  I feel this way about my 8 year old son also.  I feel like I'm a bad example because I don't have any friends and I worry that he will also have no friends or a hard time making them because I've been such a shut-in for his whole childhood.

[[Fe...]]

I know what you mean. I just want him unscathed by this horrid process. When I rock him, I want him to feel a strong STEADY heartbeat in my chest. I don't want him to hear choppy breathing. I don't want to hold him with trembling hands that are either soaked with sweat or ice cold from WD.

 

It's breaking my heart. I just want to protect him.

[[be...]]

You were there to soothe him when needed. He's only 20 months old so no need to feel really badly...he's being soothed and as far as a regular heartbeat I'm sure it means little to him. He just needed holding and you were there. That speaks volumes...many great years ahead. B

[[Fe...]]

Thank you, B. Today was the first day I really felt bad symptoms and it's been a tough day. I'm in the process of planning a different taper schedule. I basically went from 2 mg to 1.25 in a week. I've been on Xanax a short amount of time, relatively, and just didn't want to adversely become more dependent through the course of a many-months taper. I was rocking along fine until this morning and it's like everything caught up to me.

 

I'm now going to do a few days longer holds and cuts that aren't as big. New game plan!!

[[Tr...]]

Sorry you had a tough day. It's good that you can see it as a temporary set-back. You were there to sooth your child and you'll be there tomorrow, and the next day. Sometimes you'll feel better, sometimes worse, but you'll always be a steady presence in your child's life. Hang in.

 

I had a few months where I was really not the dad I wished I was, both before and during my taper. I gave them what I could, but much of the time I was tuned out or lying in bed. But once I got through it I became a better dad than I've ever been and I'm happy to be clear and present in my kids lives. This is just what it takes to get yourself to a better place.

[[Fe...]]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I know he's young and won't remember any of this. But I will.

[[So...]]

You were on a small dose for a short period of time, less than three month and during that time you started tapering too that is amazing! You knew that this stuff wasn't good for your and are working towards getting off it, you are going to be fine I bet in 6 months if you tapering at a rate you feel comfortable with. Also check perhaps to see if you have the MTHFR genetic mutation if possible, it was responsible for my underlying anxiety and now I'm just dealing with the physical withdrawal effects of coming off the medication since I started treating that. The physical effects make me a bit nervous because they are uncomfortable but knowing that the underlying anxiety had a reason, a genetic mutation, was a huge relief. Best of luck!