Working and anxiety

[[So...]]

Hi,

 

Any feedback is appreciated.

 

I'm 17 months off; I was feeling pretty good. Didn't work for most of my withdrawal, too much DP/DR, and other symptoms, but they've reduced significantly. I was even reaching a point where I was getting bored at home and knew I needed to get back out into the world. So, when someone from a former job reached out with a job offer, I jumped at the chance.

 

First week went well; the second, not so much: intense anxiety, panic attacks, and generally feeling like I went back in time to acute. Maybe it was triggered by stress; maybe it was a coincidence. (I know some people have gotten hit this far out with waves.) Maybe it doesn't matter.

 

So, here I am, with a good job I'm really happy/lucky to have, and think I would do well with, only to find my brain and the anxiety waves are conspiring against me. Way more than they've been in many months.

 

I would hate to quit for a variety of reasons, but I'm not sure some days how I can function. On the other hand, I wonder if I would be anxious at home and figure I might as well "get paid to be anxious" at work.

 

Obviously, I'm freaking out as I don't want to lose an opportunity. Or burn bridges. And I wonder if this will be a constant state, or if it will fade. Of course it will, the question is: can I weather the storm until it does?

 

To make this succinct:

 

1. How did any of you cope with anxiety at work? I often feel like running from the building.

 

2. At 17 months, I'm fairly certain that what I'm feeling is still withdrawal, but I sometimes wonder, "what if this is me now?" (But just three weeks prior to this, I was feeling 85-90% healed!)

 

Thanks for any advice. I really thought I was in the clear!

 

SoCal

[[To...]]

SoCal, sorry to hear you are having this trouble.

 

What kind of triggering stressors are you experiencing in only your second week back (after a first week that "went well")? Are they job related or simply an adjustment period to a new life style?

 

I really hope you can stick it out - sounds from your post that 1) it is a "good" job; 2) somebody in your network reached out to you; and 3) you will be anxious whether at home or at work.

 

Is your job performance suffering or, are you feeling like you are going to fail because you are feeling so bad?

 

If you can, hang in there and take it hour-by-hour, day-by-day and see if you can make it work -- from what I can see in your post, upside potential seems to be there.

 

I'll be pulling for you!

 

 

[[tw...]]

I actually seem to do better at work than at home, unless I am fully in acute hell, in which case I cannot concentrate AT ALL, and my short term memory is messed up, and I'm anxious in meetings and it's kind of hard to communicate. This usually only lasts no more than 3 days until I'm able to function again. (until my next cut...)

 

Try and ride it out if you can. It should improve. I'm betting it's just your body reacting to a new situation, and you will settle down real soon!

[[So...]]

Thanks Twinkle1705 and TooManyBennies,

 

I think I was just adjusting to a new situation, though I feel not necessarily waves but swells of anxiety throughout the day. And you're right, I'd have them at home, too, so I figure I might as well get paid to have them.

 

I realize now that I was hit with a major wave that lasted about 4-5 days, and finally subsided. And yet, looking back, I did function, or at least APPEAR to function. I'm still getting used to talking to people again, especially bosses and corporate bosses and what have you. I'm trying to adapt a "f*ck it attitude" toward anxiety, and just keep riding it out. Logically, I know it won't hurt me. Emotionally, it's hard to confront.

 

My performance was okay, it was more the fear that I would mess things up, or have to go screaming from the building. I know that's unlikely, but that's how it feels/felt.

 

Again, really appreciate the feedback and support! I'd like to think this is the remaining 10-15% left, and once the anxiety goes, I'll be in the clear. Here's hoping it's only a few more weeks, or a few months. It might be a bumpy ride, but I think this is where resiliency is earned. I hope.

 

Best,

 

SoCal

[[Tr...]]

It's great you got the opportunity to work a new job. I think we all go through those stressful, anxious periods with a new job. I think the difference is we've gotten used to having that benzo cushion to ease the discomfort and after a taper it can feel like we're tight-rope walking without a net!

 

I started a new FT job a few months after my taper. This was after 6 years working from home. I struggled with feeling inadequate and getting used to the routine and socializing. I made sure I was able to take breaks and get away from people every so often to clear my head. I also drank a lot of chamomile tea, like constantly. Celestial Seasonings "Tension Tamer" was in my cup all the time, like a security blanket.

 

I always make sure I'm in touch with my project managers and on top of deadlines so I don't get overwhelmed with work. It's so important to pace yourself and keep the work flow steady and reasonable. It's not always something that can be achieved but it's important to work on that balance.

 

One of the ways to get caught in anxiety is having a bunch of different things floating in your head, like deadlines and tasks. To minimize that I keep a weekly calendar and a to-do list at my right hand and update them throughout the day so I don't miss anything. It follows David Allen's "Getting Things Done". I draw out blocks of time to work on particular tasks so that I can concentrate on them and not worry about other things at the same time. My to-do list contains everything I need to stay on top of. If something comes up in a meeting I note it down on the list. I circle the few most important tasks that I need to get done on a particular day. This way I document everything I need to do, but have a limited selection of priorities so I don't get overwhelmed. And it feels so satisfying to cross things off the list! I ride that sense of accomplishment to the next task.

[Guest [ch...]]

> 1. How did any of you cope with anxiety at work? I often feel like running from the building.

 

By running from the building

 

I worked through my taper and withdrawal, which was rough at times. Tiredness from not sleeping was my biggest issue. Anxiety was another issue. I disappeared as needed.  Somehow I made it through without being fired, and now I am doing a lot better. You're doing the right thing. Starting a new job can cause stress which can trigger a wave of withdrawal symptoms, but that should subside as you feel more comfortable in your new job.

 

Best wishes,

CP

[[tw...]]

> 1. How did any of you cope with anxiety at work? I often feel like running from the building.

 

By running from the building

 

I worked through my taper and withdrawal, which was rough at times. Tiredness from not sleeping was my biggest issue. Anxiety was another issue. I disappeared as needed.  Somehow I made it through without being fired, and now I am doing a lot better. You're doing the right thing. Starting a new job can cause stress which can trigger a wave of withdrawal symptoms, but that should subside as you feel more comfortable in your new job.

 

Best wishes,

CP

 

Lol. I actually HAVE run from my building before. Picture a 48-year old woman brisquely walking out the front door of a 25-person office at about 10:30AM and telling the receptionist "I'll be back in about 15 minutes" and then I just walked up to the parking garage, down the ramp and back up about 3 times in a row. All decked in my office attire and 3" heels...

[[So...]]

Thanks Chessplayer. I think it's one thing to heal at home while not working, and a different animal to finish your healing while working. I think it'll be a bit turbulent, but I think it'll also force me to continue to deal with anxiety without any backups (such as pills or SSRIs.) I was getting a bit too cozy with my life at home, even bored a little. So, I needed to level up to a bigger challenge, and sure enough, I'm challenged!

 

Always good, too, to hear about people going back to work, like you did, and being successful at it, and even feeling better down the line. Congrats!

 

It does feel good to be earning a living again, even if my brain continues to work against me. But that makes me even more proud that I continue to function in spite of my "mental handicap" at the moment. At least for today.

 

Thanks again,

 

SoCal