Feel too far gone.......hopeless before I start

[[Me...]]

This will be my third taper coming up.  My current sx are so unbelievably bad.  Crushing depression and depersonalization and derealization like I've never had before.  I truly feel brain damaged.  I've drank a lot while on benzos, had ECT done (which didn't work) and just the constant  going up and down on many different medications.  I feel insane.  Like science experiment gone wrong. 

 

I am feeling very hopeless.  Is there any hope for me at all?  Have you or someone you know been this bad before they even start their taper???

 

The depression makes it almost impossible to do anything.  The dp/dr, I've had forever is at an all time high.  I do not even feel like I am here.  I can't be around people or go outside because it just causes such flare ups in my sx. 

 

thx

[[Pi...]]

Hi,you aren't to far gone....I think like this all the time it's the drugs lieing to you!!i have had so many CT off different meds last year,I didn't know my head from my ass...your poor brain as been thru a lot....the dp/dr I have constant it's all CNS disruption.i have the brain dead feeling,nothing going on,it's like my brains switched off!the dp/dr its your body's way of protecting you while we go thru this trauma...sorry I don't have much advice to give.but I just wanted you to know your not to far gone...your still writing on here an reaching out,to me that shows incredible strength.❤️

Take it minute my minute.

Pink

[[Or...]]

You're not too far gone. I was far worse on the meds than I am off. Whilst in tolerance I absolutely thought I'd lost my mind, I was in a constant state of internal terror, I barely ate or spoke for over a year, I lost 44 pounds, I had constant repetitive thoughts in my mind and felt like someone or something else had taken over my mind and at times thought I had been possessed. I was bed ridden for over 6 months and truly thought I'd lost my mind, I was never in the moment and always locked in the terror of what was happening inside of me. I spent the first 32 years of my life strong and confident never doubting myself to obsessing about ending my life every day (my problems started with something as minor as insomnia) Since coming off all the meds (benzos AD AP anti seizures) my life is slowly coming back together, I'm now in control of all my thoughts, I'm never locked in my mind, I no longer live in a constant state of terror all my mental symptoms have eased up and pretty much disappeared, I'm in the moment and laugh with my family. My last symptom is crippling fatigue and although it's stopping me from living my life I clearly remember when I was at my worst that I would have given anything for "just" fatigue. These drugs are soul destroying and make you believe there's no way to ever recover from being in a state of pure insanity but you will, the hardest part is getting through it- I used to tell myself if I could be garunteed to recover I could hang in another minute and I'm telling you you will have control of your mind again.