benzo withdrawal support, the sun is shining again!

[[Da...]]

Hello,

I joined Benzo Buddies for support of a life long addiction to benzodiazepines. When I was only 16, a teen (in 1986) a psychiatrist put me on Klonopin to "help calm my nerves". I have been fighting to be free of this horrible drug since then, and I am now 47 years old. Benzos robbed me of a life, at least one that wasn't like living with a wet blanket over my feelings and emotions. My behavior was erratic at best. I became a young alcoholic, drinking on top of the benzos, creating a deeper level hell for myself, I just couldn't seem to stop. Over the years my addictions increased, and I graduated to a full fledged heroin and opiate addict on top of the already overwhelming numbness that was my daily existence. To make matters even worse, I blindly followed a doctor's advice in the 90's and was "sentenced" into my town's lovely methadone clinic. I lived in a zombie like state for 20+ years on that stuff, I don't remember (barely remember) all of the trouble I created for myself, the drugs, the legal trouble, the numbness and depression leading to more drugs and even more problems. MY CHILD I had while on methadone, and HER suffering because of it.....

I look back at my life and feel sad, angry, cheated and used by a system that I thought was there to "help" me. I honestly trusted my doctors and counselors. I was a very sick young woman, and all they did back then was write scripts for more of the same to appease me, to "shut me up" so I would go away, until next month.  Don't get me wrong, I am not faultless here. I remember begging for those scripts. I was sick, but aren't professionally trained doctors supposed to "Do no harm...etc.?"

So here I am, believe it or not, after all those years, so sick and so lost. I am now clean and sober after years of struggling and fighting for my mind back. I  look at my painful past and embrace who I am today. I have a counselor and a wonderful loving sponsor in AA. That program and counselling has saved my life. I got off of the drugs and benzos after an entire year of protracted withdrawals. remember I was on Klonopin for over 20 years...(This is rare, to be on it so long.)after awhile I felt wonderful. My mind and feelings slowly returned, I was living life happily, I met the love of my life. The strained relationship I had with my family has been changing for the better, my daughter is happier.

Then I hurt myself pretty badly somehow working out, where my rotator cuff and two tears to my labrum warranted a shoulder surgery. It was beyond agony, especially the physical therapy 3x a week. My surgeon and pain care doc recommended one Xanax and one Percoset before PT. I thought doing this for only a few weeks would be fine. I was on Klonopin for 20 years, this should be a piece of cake. Well, it was not. It was again a world of hell. The benzo monster opened up and swallowed me whole all over again. All that suffering, here it was AGAIN. It took two months of cutting way down, little tiny pieces every four hours etc..AGONY. INSOMNIA. ANXIETY. PSYCHOSIS. NIGHTMARES.  I am now just getting over the hump. I had my last crumb of Xanax on March 10th, 2017. I am still having horrible nightmares where I wake up every hour of so with a scream caught in my throat, sweat pouring down my face and chest, and I'm unable to fall back to sleep unless I do deep breathing/meditate/DBT practice and praying. I still see traces of strange rainbow like, acid trip color traces behind my closed lids, or when I'm staring into the dark at 4am and I can't sleep. I've been through living hell getting off of benzos before, but I don't want to go through this all by myself this time. I would love some support, and I'd love to support others in their journey. Benzo withdrawal shouldn't be done alone. With help and loving guidance from others who have walked this painful, frightening and lonely road, we can do this, together. Please feel free to comment, and I want to say "hang in there" to all who stumble and fall. I scraped myself up off the ground so many times, and I'm here to say "I'm doing it!  AND YOU CAN TOO so let's help each other through it!

Thank you for all your support, and thanks for taking the time to read my intro. I hope I meet you and we can help each other through this journey. Maybe even make some pals.

The sun is still shining for me.  Though from where I sit, it feels so cold and dark, everything hurts. All I have to do is have faith in myself, and my body. It is healing right now! I have to remind myself to reach out for help, watch a happy video, stretch, walk, eat well, and look up at that sun!

XOXOX

Darq mom

[Guest [Le...]]

Hello, Darqmom  - welcome to BenzoBuddies!

 

Congratulations on being benzo-free, but what an endurance test this must have been for you. Fortunately the symptoms do ease up over time, and you've definitely come to the right place to finish your recovery! 

 

I'm so glad you decided to join the forum - you'll find plenty of information and support here. Our members have gone through all aspects of benzodiazepine use and withdrawal, so you'll be able to connect with others who understand what you're going through and can tell you what has worked for them.

 

Please feel free to post to any of the specialized boards, which can all be accessed from the BenzoBuddies Community Forum homepage. Based on the information provided in your introduction, the following link may be a good starting place for you.

 

  Post-withdrawal Recovery Support

 

When you have a chance, we highly recommend that you take a look at The Ashton Manual, which is an authoritative source on what to expect during withdrawal and recovery, authored by Dr Heather Ashton, who is an expert in the field. It provides a great deal of information that can be very reassuring during any stage of this process, including a list of common symptoms with helpful explanations.

 

Please take the time to Create a Signature. This will allow members to see where you are in the process, so that they can better support you.

  Leslie 

[[Se...]]

Sending you a big warm hug of encouragement to you.   

 

Best wishes.

[[be...]]

Welcome from me too! :smitten:

[[Da...]]

Hello there,

How did you tolerate quitting cold turkey? I was forced to complete a halfway house for women in 2010 during my horrific protracted withdrawals. I remember being woken up at 5am for urines, and on other early mornings at 6am scrubbing three flights of stairs with a small nail brush and dirty, cold, soapy water that made me want to vomit from the harsh chemical smell. Throughout this hellish torture I kept pushing myself to hang on, because if I quit the house, I wouldn't get to see my daughter anymore. I think Benzos are the cruelest of all the drugs out there. I agree with you! Unfortunately I was so addicted to them that without them I had to drink booze to get through the agony. I think back and wonder, if I was never put on benzos as a kid, I might not be an alcoholic today.That is so sad to think about. I've been clean and sober since 2010. What a journey!

Its nice to meet you, and thank you for your comment.

love,

Darqmom