Not as strong as I thought

[[ho...]]

Hi there,

 

I did a taper off diazepam mostly on my own over the last two years using the Ashton Warner method and finally got down to zero a week ago on March 12th after reducing extremely slowly and with difficulty.

 

The good news is that I did it. The bad news is that I'm having nausea, anxiety, headaches, sensitivity to light, paranoia, stress, irritability, insomnia and I know this is normal but I just don't want to feel alone and there's only so much my family and doctors can do, so I decided to reach out online and see if I can find some support here.

 

Tonight I'm having difficulty telling the difference between what is real and what is paranoia and it's scaring the crap out of me. I've just had a fight with my mother who also has mental health issues and I can't move out from her home because I'm not well enough to support myself. But living with her is stressful.

 

I'm a thirty five year old female living with my uptight mother and I'm scared and feeling stuck. My one positive is that I have gotten myself off benzos. But my spare leftover diazepam pills are sitting in my drawer next to my vitamin B and magnesium and I think I need to throw them out so I'm not tempted to take one.

 

I was originally diagnosed with panic disorder, agoraphobia, depression and suicidal ideation as well as insomnia in Feb 2014 and I hate to say I still have those things and they make my life hell but on benzos they were even worse, or so it seemed. At the moment I can't tell. I'm afraid I will be like this forever.

 

I tapered slowly using micro tapering (was initially on 30mg diaz from Feb 2014 reducing down to 7mg by Nov 2015 and down to 1mg by Nov 2016, then the last 1mg reduced between Nov 2016 and March 2017 using titration) Prior to diazepam I was given lorazepam and zopiclone and citalapram and I stopped using all of those around Mar-Jun 2015

 

I'm trying to think of how far I have come but I just want these panic attacks to stop

[[ma...]]

Hello holdingontight Welcome to Benzo Buddies!

 

You are no longer alone and I am sure you will find some comfort communicating with those who are in the same situation as you are.  Congratulations to you on being benzo free, you are stronger than you think!  I'm sorry you are having a rotten time of it, withdrawal symptoms are awful, some can be very scary.  Remember that symptoms are temporary, you will come through this.  I know its difficult but try not to be too hard on mom, take a deep breath!

 

We have many supportive and kind members here who will support you and give sound advice. Members have been through all aspects of benzodiazepine use and withdrawal, and will share their experiences with you.

 

I will leave a link to the Ashton Manual, It is an excellent resource about these types of medication and their effect on the body, it also lists symptoms 

 

Here is a link to the manual: Professor Ashtons Manual

 

Here is a link to our Post withdrawal recovery support.

 

Feel free to post on any of our dedicated boards.

 

Anxiety     

 

Depression

 

When you have a can please write a signature line that will appear at the bottom of each post, describing your medication history. Here are the directions to do that: Create a signature

Welcome aboard

 

Magrita

 

[[Pu...]]

What I do is I stop and ask myself, what would I do if I loved me? I ask this everyday. I live with my mother too I have to through this process. My mother is emotionally abusive and is constantly playing victim. I am her prime target as she has literally made this hell for me. What I have to do is act as if my bedroom is my apartment, I keep everything I own in there so she is not able to see something of mine and attack me because she is having a bad day. Playing neutral has been tough but we haven't fought in months. Take care of you. You got this!!!   

[[Ho...]]

Hang in there, HoldingonTight!

 

You ARE as strong as you thought because you accomplished SO much already by going through the valium taper and getting off the other drugs.  Congratulations!!  No, you won't be like this forever and you are healing every day.  (Though I know it doesn't feel that way.)  Not knowing what's real and all is tough.  But the real you will come back and till then, watch what's happening with you and keep a journal if you can . . .  but know it's not forever.  And keep on this forum!  You're standing in a tough place right now, but when you get through it eventually, it will be wonderful!!

[[Se...]]

Hi

I saw your introduction. So sorry you are suffering as much as you are. I do take issue with your statement that you are not as strong as you think you are.

 

 

On the contrary, you are an extremely strong person. You are in a difficult situation and yet you have still managed to get off all of your medication. Keep up,the good work. You can do this. Things will get easier.

 

You should be extremely proud of yourself. Just look at me, I was only on .25mg Xanax and at half way through my taper, I am in such pain that I don't know if I can do it. And you were on WAY more than me plus you got off a sleep aid drug AND an AD.

 

You are my hero. I hope I can do as well as you.

 

Take care and Best Wishes

[[ho...]]

Thank you so much for your support guys, it feels weird that I can be more myself around online strangers than my own family and friends. The relief of being supported instead of criticised and doubted has got me in tears. I'm trying to hide those tears from the two year old next to me because he depends on me and I have to wait until he's asleep this afternoon so I can have a proper cry but your words of encouragement mean so much to me thanks.

 

This morning I thought "I need to go on an antidepressant again as soon as possible, not citalopram but maybe fluoxetine" but I don't know if I should keep trying to fight this with natural vitamins and exercise and food or if I just need to accept I'm mentally ill and have to be on some kind of antidepressant forever? Doctors always say yes go on medication, they always always fill out a prescription and don't suggest non chemical alternatives. I don't feel stable enough to care for two children but somehow I'm making it through each day. It helps to be able to talk to people on this forum so thank you for your time.