Long post - so lost

[[Ni...]]

This will be a long post. First I'd like to thank the other members that have answered my prior posts, I just have been too down lately to log in etc to thank you. Your comments are much appreciated. So here is my post -

Feb 21st 2016 was the day I jumped off the remaining small amount of Valium. I felt amazing and I'm assuming that was all "a window" now I look back. A very long window. It continued to get better as the months went on. Less cognitive fogginess, vertigo like feeling, nausea, and anxiety. I was starting to BELIEVE I was healed. I stupidly let my guard down and started to hope. When the summer came to an end I arrived home from my vacation to my ex of 3 years dumping me. To be honest I wasn't in love with him anymore and don't think I ever was but the way he dumped me was so cruel. He told me it was because of not being attracted to me. I dedicated 3 years to him and ironically his benzo taper and up and down rollercoaster taper off lexapro that he failed multiple times. Be that as it may it destroyed whatever little self esteem I had left. I wound up falling for a friend and we were together for a few months before religion tore us apart. The combination of broken heart, falling in love and then losing it created such a hell for me. This happened on top of dozens of environmental stressors. So I was walking around with a feeling in my chest like someone died. ....Side note - During my 5 year taper I couldn't do much and I needed dental work even before that. So because of my fear of the dentist I took small doses of Valium just for my appointments. There have been about 10 appointments and I also took Valium when I had to go get a colonoscopy last year. Am I craving benzos no, I never craved them so I'm not an addict. I just used them this time to keep my sane during procedures.

Okay so let's fast forward - I'm 32 and still living at home in a tiny cramped NYC private house. The city itself drives me crazy and my family and I fight daily. I have to share a basement with my 24 year old alcholic sister who is a MAJOR trigger for my anxiety. I can not move away. I have seen therapists. I have tried time and again to "talk" to my family. All this has failed. So I just have to accept my living situation right now the way you would accept a disease. Although I appreciate everything my parents have done for me. I'm also not proud of myself. I'm not technically employed and I feel like a bum. All my hobbies used to be fun.

It started with one panic attack back in Sept and all progress I had went right down the toilet. Now I live in constant fear of another attack, so much so I've had multiple attacks. That was Sept and now it's March and I'm still high anxiety, vertigo and panic. I wonder how much of this is stress, a wave, problems from me taking doses for the dentist or on date nights etc. I can't live like this anymore. Everyday is a fight, a battle that's so exhausting there are days I wish I was dead. I have emethophbia which is why I even started with benzos. So that's a battle too. I feel like I'll never heal or get better. I'm such an angry person.

Ironically as it may seem I met a really nice guy and we have been dating for 4 months now. He knows my situation but not in great detail. He has seen one of my panic attacks. But he (like anyone else) likes to go out and do things. He wants to travel. I'm home bound contemplating what to do. What to think. I'm scared I'll lose him. When I went out with him the past few dates I got angry and took Valium. The most was like 3mgs once or twice a week. It's been over a week and a half since I touched the stuff now. I'm ashamed of myself because there were times during my 5 year taper I could have reinstated or taken a rescue dose and I NEVER did. I just want to move on and be normal. I want a life. All my friends are married and on their 2 or 3rd child. I'm home jobless with a drunk sister and a fear of going out "losing control" vomiting and being judged by others. I know I have no right in the world to be playing my violin now. After 5 years of fighting for my life to believe things would get better, a year off and here I am thinking the only way I'll ever function is with a SSRI (those were a nightmare of their own) I feel TRAPPED!! I don't want to lose the new guy. I don't want another day indoors and going for walks in the busy NYC streets does nothing for me. I'm never taking Valium again even at rarity.  Please tell me I'll get better. Please

[[St...]]

One of the hardest parts of withdrawal is being patient. It can feel like an eternity. I don't blame you for wanting to get on with your life. It sounds like you've been going through a lot. There's clearly been a few spanners in the works for your recovery.

 

You probably already know this, but taking more Valium while in withdrawal lengthens the process. Every day you're not taking benzos, you're one day closer to being healed. It's hard, but you will get through this. You will recover fully.

 

SSRIs can help some people, but they do have a tendency to rev up anxiety in the first few weeks you're taking them. There is no shame in taking an antidepressant if it helps you lead the life you want to live. That's something for you to decide.

 

Keep being strong, take it one day at a time and you will begin to see improvements, it's only a matter of time.