Years of absolute hell

[[ic...]]

Hello,

Been on clonazepam for 15 years.  Always suffered with anxiety so during college started with 0.5mg 2x/day clonazepam under the impression that long term use is ok for those with chronic anxiety.  Despite the anxiety could function pretty well and probably could have easily gotten it under control using non-med treatments. 

However, anxiety kept on getting worse over the years despite the clonazepam and dose increased slowly to a peak of 3mg/day (also tried lorazepam and alprazolam for short periods of time).  Started developing a whole ton of weird conditions such as heart palpitations, constant flight/fight mode and fear without cause, intense head pressure and eye pain, appetite loss, agoraphobia, mood fluctuations, sweating nonstop and very cold extremities, urinary incontinence, balance issues, etc.  Things would only get better for a short period of time after taking the clonazepam.  Number of other non-benzo medications such as antipsychotics, antidepressants, beta/alpha blockers kept on growing to deal with some of those issues.  I now believe (or at least hope) that a lot of those symptoms were a result of tolerance (interdose) withdrawals.

Finally, got fed up with having to take so many medications multiple times a day that really weren’t really helping so decided to get off the clonazepam with a month long taper.  One month off the clonazepam got hospitalized as things were getting out of control mostly due to derealization/depersonalization/paranoia which I’ve never experienced before.  Got back on a minimal dose of clonazepam (0.5mg/day) but have been completely nonfunctional for the last two years.  Had to quit job and living off savings.  Can’t even let family members visit due to constant fear, headaches, etc.  Couldn’t watch TV or use the computer so just listened to the radio all day.  But then out of nowhere I would get periods where things would get much better, but only a week or two at most.  Attempted suicide multiple times as a result of all this.  Finally stumbled on ‘protracted benzodiazepine withdrawal’ on the web and benzobuddies.  Thought I was crazy till I read other’s stories.

Have started a liquid (PG) taper over the last year so now down to 0.09mg.  Surprisingly, symptoms are getting better the lower I go (after the 2 week adjustment period).  I no longer suffer derealization/depersonalization, cognition improved (though still pretty bad), can go outside and walk for an hour or two and in general seem to have a tiny speck of hope.  Starting to get impatient with the tapering and so will probably stop at 0.06mg before jumping off completely.  I really don’t know how much if any of this is due to benzos or if these are just mental/physical conditions or brain damage I would have developed independent of benzos.  Sorry for the long post (never told any of this to anyone before).  Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading.

[[Ju...]]

Hello icecrystal and welcome to Benzobuddies

 

I'm so glad you are here and at the same time so sorry that you need to be here. People experience all kinds of unexpected and sometimes difficult things in benzodiazepine withdrawal, which can happen after even short term use and taking only as prescribed.

 

It sounds like you have made incredible progress on your own and without much support but I will give you the general advice anyway. For people that have taken benzodiazepines for more than a few months, a place to start tapering is to reduce your daily dose by 5-10% every 7-14 days. You can then adjust the taper depending on how you respond. Benzobuddies has a wealth of information and support for people experiencing tapering, withdrawal and recovery. The amount of information might feel overwhelming at first, so please keep in mind that you only need to walk your path, and dont worry too much about what you read in another person's experience.

 

A good source of information on benzodiazepines is The Ashton Manual

 

These places on the forum may be helpful to you:

 

General Taper Plans   

 

Withdrawal Support (during your taper)

 

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support 

 

This is a friendly and open minded community of people who have experienced the many facets of benzodiazepine withdrawal, including many who have fully recovered and are staying to help others.  Feel free to post any questions that you have and members will share their experiences with you.

 

Members can respond best if they know your medication history. Please take a moment to create a signature line, listing your medication, dose and any relevant history.

Go to the top of the page and select Profile, then choose Forum Profile, insert drug history/timelines into the text box and click Change Profile.

 

With many good wishes for your recovery,

JKS