Life stressors getting to be a bit too much

[[Lo...]]

Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. My taper is going slowly, and is very symptomatic, but it's getting along. But I don't know what to do life-wise. I am too sick to work, unable to drive, extremely agoraphobic and have crushing fatigue and terrible panic attacks. Physically, I've lost a lot of strength, but my main and only line of work I've ever done involved a lot of thinking, creativity and problem-solving. Too much brain fog for any of that. Pretty much depleted all my reserves, savings, retirement money, etc. Taking care of an elderly mother and it's getting really hard. I used to make a decent income and support both of us, and now there's nothing coming in. Family doesn't believe us and doesn't want to help. Almost all of our friends have abandoned us. Several years ago, I never dreamed I'd be in this position, but I guess, that's life. 

 

I guess I wouldn't feel as hopeless if I wasn't approaching a complete financial ruin, but with so many people in trouble these days who are in beter physical/mental shape, even applying for help is a huge challenge. Getting too many runarounds with local bureaucracies, and it's all just so hope extinguishing. The family members kept saying "return to work", but I was too sick to do it. Everybody assures me that my doses are getting lower, but I just don't see a future. I hope this isn't the end of me. I worked really hard for 20 years and pretty soon, I'll have nothing to show for it. I don't really see a point in going on if I am going to end up destitute and homeless, and with my mother in a nursing facility.

 

It just feels like all the things I've ever been afraid of have materialized, and I don't know how much fight there's still left in me. I don't feel like giving up or checking in anywhere, but I feel like, at this rate, I am just going to perish pretty soon.....

 

My mother's friend made a really horrible cutting remark along the lines: Well, I can't believe you've survived 2 years of this. I don't think I could ever do it myself. The way she said it was very hope extinguishing.

 

I am so tired of glazed, distanced looks of former friends and acqauitances and their criticisms, unhelpful advice and their peanut gallery platitudes.....

 

Just feeling like there really is no future to look forward to. Just bare survival until we run out of food, money and shelter....

[[Tr...]]

Maybe there are ways to take small steps. It can feel overwhelming but it takes just a few steps to get a leg up and help you out of a situation. I hope you're able to find a better day.

[[Lo...]]

Than you, Travis.

[[Gr...]]

I don't know where you are, but I would look into getting some disability.  If you are too sick to work and drive, I think you might qualify.

[[Lo...]]

Yup, I've been waiting for a disability hearing. It can't come soon enough.....

[[To...]]

Hello:

I can relate to every word you wrote. I am only 55 but all family members are deceased. Friends stopped coming around. Used to have a huge career and had the dream life. Worked so hard only to find this mess at the end of the road. I am in Illinois. Please feel free to pm me if you would like to keep in touch. I could really use the support of friendship. I am on disability and feel worthless. Thank you for reading my message. Hope to hear back from you.

[[Be...]]

LFree, I went to a disability hearing and won and I'll give you a tip.  Show them your worst condition.  The sicker you are at the hearing, the better the chances are that you will win.  Stumbling over the questions, having a panic attack at the hearing, not able to answer questions, being incoherent and very depressed, etc will increase your chances of winning.  I had a panic attack as soon as I sat down in the chair before the judge.  I was videotaped and had to talk into a mic.  It was stressful.  I had trouble answering some of the questions and kept pausing all the time because I couldn't remember names, etc.  I did quite a few of "I don't know" answers.  The judge asked me what I would do the next 30 years and I told him,  "I don't know."  No big plans.  Having big plans and aspirations isn't what the judge should hear.  Being incapacitated is what he's looking for.  I had a good disability attorney who helped me.  Show up in torn and ripped clothes and don't comb your hair.  Act spaced out.  It sounds like it might be important for you so you can put food on the table.  I had lots of medical documents to back up my interview, though. 

[[Lo...]]

Thanks, Becksblue. I don't think I'll have to plan to look like that. Right now, I have trouble even handling a car ride to the Psychiatrist. I have someone bringing me groceries from the food bank. Can't even do that myself....

 

The person I used to be who liked his work, travel, reading, music, seems to be gone. I feel like an empty shell stuck in a twilight zone.

[[Be...]]

I'm an empty shell too stuck in a twilight zone.  I couldn't have dreamt up this hell in my worst nightmare.  One bb's post I was reading who is a Christian said she thought she knew what suffering was, and didn't, but she said she knows now.  This is suffering I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I have someone getting my food, too.  I used to like to read and listen to music and can't do any of that now.  My brain and nerves are so fried. 

[[Ca...]]

What you are talking about is rough as hell yet all too familiar. I'm 58 now and this is a day after day nightmare. All family deceased, lost my job - career, lost my car in a bad accident just last week, in financial ruin and also awaiting SSDI hearing - just now finally coming up next month. Left my therapy session today in a fractured mental state after having been told my therapist no longer wants to provide witness defense because she had a tiff with my attorney. Life looks bleak for me as well. I am fortunate though to have had steady support of my wife - where others would have jumped ship. It's just fortunate too I live in CA whereas in most states we'd be out on the street by now. I honestly don't know what we would do if my hearing goes south. One thing that does get me out the intrusive thought process is meditation. It allows me to quiet the mind and find a sort of inner refuge. Please take care.

 

2.5 years - Klonopin 6-8mg/day - rapid detox (30 days) since Aug. 16

[[Be...]]

Catt, sorry for your losses.  Why do some people's lives have such misfortune?  I know mine does.  FYI.  I was awarded SSDI.  When you go to the hearing don't try to act like you have it together.  Act yourself.  Show up in your pajamas and don't comb your hair, if you know what I'm saying.  I didn't act ok at all at my hearing.  I started crying when it started and panicking and couldn't talk and many of my answers were, "I don't know" or I would hesitate and try to find the answers, such as, names, etc.  Judge asked me what I was going to do in the next 30 years (on SSDI) and I said, "I don't know."  If I would have told him I had big plans and aspirations that sounded like I would carry them through, it would have hurt my chances of winning my case.  I had lots of documentation from my doc and pdoc, too, and required information for my attorney, such as, failed meds I tried and counseling I had tried.  All that was important for winning the case.  I got it for Anxiety Disorder.  It would have been nearly impossible here in my state of PA to get it for benzo or drug damage withdrawal.  It doesn't pay crap, but it's better than being on the streets.  It barely gets the bills paid.  Been on it for about 4 years now.  It sucks.  I lost everything.  Now I'm stuck with a horrible life.   

[[Sw...]]

Hi, I hope you are feeling a bit better. Your post stood out as I can relate to what you are saying.