This could be the end...

[[Sh...]]

Well, how to start?

 

I have made it to 9 months (just about) since finishing my taper. Things have been steadily improving. Despite the slow improvement I am just about done with this journey. I am fully functional. I exercise every day and am working almost full time again. It's very difficult to explain what benzos have done to my brain. It's put me in a state of intrusive thinking/ocd on overdrive about bad things 24/7. I cannot remember what it's like to have a relaxed mind and feel normal. That terrifies me because I now have no idea what I'm even hanging on for because I can't remember it. My intrusive thoughts have improved and lessened over the months, but along with them I have a real dead feeling in my brain constantly. I just cannot feel anything good. I can't even feel sadness really or cry. It's more just a state of stress and trauma. It's the constant day in, day out of this dead feeling that is driving me to point giving up.

 

I don't know how to get through the time anymore. I am distracting myself with all the right things, but it's still horrible. I just flat out don't want to try anymore. I'm completely spent. I struggled through a 9 month taper as well before jumping so it's pretty much been a year and a half of this horror now. I know people get through this and hang on, but there comes a point for every person where they just can't go any further and must stop. I fear I am there. Right now just throwing the towel in and trying to stabilise on benzos again seems like a better option than facing more months of this torture. Or xxxxx

 

edit: disallowed content removed

 

 

[[be...]]

Shamo, I am so sorry things are hard for you, but please do not think of something that is so final. From what I understand feeling blunt with our feelings is normal do we like it no, and just a tear or two would do us so much good, it will come back all of it will, but when that is the thing nobody knows. I have been following you for a while and you have come a long way. Please do not give up, or give in to benzo's, your New Life may be just right around the corner. You have so much to offer here and in your Life away from BB. Please Stay Strong.

[[Ma...]]

Well, how to start?

 

I have made it to 9 months (just about) since finishing my taper. Things have been steadily improving. Despite the slow improvement I am just about done with this journey. I am fully functional. I exercise every day and am working almost full time again. It's very difficult to explain what benzos have done to my brain. It's put me in a state of intrusive thinking/ocd on overdrive about bad things 24/7. I cannot remember what it's like to have a relaxed mind and feel normal. That terrifies me because I now have no idea what I'm even hanging on for because I can't remember it. My intrusive thoughts have improved and lessened over the months, but along with them I have a real dead feeling in my brain constantly. I just cannot feel anything good. I can't even feel sadness really or cry. It's more just a state of stress and trauma. It's the constant day in, day out of this dead feeling that is driving me to point giving up.

 

I don't know how to get through the time anymore. I am distracting myself with all the right things, but it's still horrible. I just flat out don't want to try anymore. I'm completely spent. I struggled through a 9 month taper as well before jumping so it's pretty much been a year and a half of this horror now. I know people get through this and hang on, but there comes a point for every person where they just can't go any further and must stop. I fear I am there. Right now just throwing the towel in and trying to stabilise on benzos again seems like a better option than facing more months of this torture. Or suicide even...

 

I am 7 months out.I have bit more symptoms left then you but they all can be conected with brain function.I have dp/dr, insomnia and sometimes terror feeling, but i have to 24 obssesive thinking and feel no emotions.I see no way out of this too.I am in dark place now.This is now 1 and half year of pore terror being on benzzos,tolerance,tapperd and wd....I haveć no will anymore.

[[si...]]

Shamo

I know this healing is soooo slow and frustrating, I am there with you.

The fact remains there is no going back. Forward is the only direction without these meds if we have any hope of getting better.

Reinstating at this point would be a disaster.

[[pi...]]

Well, how to start?

 

I have made it to 9 months (just about) since finishing my taper. Things have been steadily improving. Despite the slow improvement I am just about done with this journey. I am fully functional. I exercise every day and am working almost full time again. It's very difficult to explain what benzos have done to my brain. It's put me in a state of intrusive thinking/ocd on overdrive about bad things 24/7. I cannot remember what it's like to have a relaxed mind and feel normal. That terrifies me because I now have no idea what I'm even hanging on for because I can't remember it. My intrusive thoughts have improved and lessened over the months, but along with them I have a real dead feeling in my brain constantly. I just cannot feel anything good. I can't even feel sadness really or cry. It's more just a state of stress and trauma. It's the constant day in, day out of this dead feeling that is driving me to point giving up.

 

I don't know how to get through the time anymore. I am distracting myself with all the right things, but it's still horrible. I just flat out don't want to try anymore. I'm completely spent. I struggled through a 9 month taper as well before jumping so it's pretty much been a year and a half of this horror now. I know people get through this and hang on, but there comes a point for every person where they just can't go any further and must stop. I fear I am there. Right now just throwing the towel in and trying to stabilise on benzos again seems like a better option than facing more months of this torture. Or xxxxx

 

edit: disallowed content removed

 

Hello Shamo3,

 

I'm sorry you are still feeling strong effects from withdrawal. Listen, emotional deadness is very common during this process.  For so long, these drugs numb our true emotions, feelings, reactions.  Sadly, it can sometimes take a while for these things to normalize.

 

I couldn't laugh or cry for a long time. After crying my eyes out while I was unknowingly in tolerance and not knowing what on earth was wrong with me, I went to being stoic, robotic, for quite a long time. I remember exactly when this changed for me, and it did take a while.  I experienced the loss of close friends and relatives and I could not cry, I was just there, a facsimile of a real person. But.... one night when I was almost one year off, we were at friends playing a game. It was a fun and silly game called "Catch Phrase".  Someone said something funny and we all started laughing. I did too, I laughed so hard I cried.....  It took time for me to get to this point. It felt wonderful, as if I was awakening from a long sleep.  From this point on my feelings started to return and with more time got better and better.

 

It took me around 16-18 months to heal.  I'm so glad I waited because it was worth it.  You are at 10 months. I remember posting on the Benzo Free board aat one year off, happy I was off benzos but still not recovered.  This process can be frustrating but the best thing I did was to accept it, understand that I had to go through it to get to a better place.

 

If you have any thoughts of self harm, please seek professional help.  We are not equipped to deal with this issue but there are people out there who can help you see your self worth, your value to our world. I'll give you some links for resources.

 

In my years here on the forum, I've honestly not seen a good outcome from reinstatement. In fact, most regretted it.

 

Acceptance, patience, perseverance.....

 

pianogirl 

 

 

Suicide, Self-harm Resources

[[pu...]]

Don't give up!

 

 

[[Bh...]]

Shamo,

You can do this. I remember being in your place. I now have feelings at 15 months off! Even my husband noticed a difference in me. Of course he has to add, "well some days you don't want to be bothered." Overall though, I'm getting back to me...the lovey/dovey/happy-go-lucky person that I was. I laugh at some jokes and feel sadness when people hurt. I'm far from where I used to be, but I'm getting there.

 

Certain days are still very tough for me, but it's improving. My robotic nature does take over at work, etc. However, the feelings of happiness and contentment are starting to return. Please hang in there... you don't need benzos. They will just numb you even more. I also want to challenge your lack of emotions...every comment you have ever given me expresses emotion. You are coming back. Have faith. 

Bhealthy

[[so...]]

Hi Shamo. I know constantly hearing "hang in there" gets tiresome, but this is the time to do it. It seems a lot of people notice real progress at the 12 month point. It will happen for you too.

 

One day at a time, keep plugging away.

[[Ch...]]

Hey, Dude...so many wonderful posts to YOU...not just to an unknown poster...you are someone we have been with for your journey and OURS!!!  Since it takes hope to persevere and live through recovery use US to shore you up....even Dr Jennifer Leigh had that horrendous depersonalization/derealization for a long time and she is now way better and maybe even done with that symptom...because her journey and blog started 3 years ago but I only recently found her, I went all the way back in her blog and read forward to this week...it was very revealing and inspiring without being preachy...and I learned stuff, lol, and here I thought I knew it all!!!  I am having a symptom I now know is called looping and is very common to us after Benzo discontinuation....I just could NOT STOP singing parts of church service over and over in my mind!!!  So very strange, but about as common as the deadened feelings you are experiencing.  Except to tell you to lean on me and these very supportive posters the only advice I have is to continue to do the best you can and stay active here at BB.

Reinstate if you must, I certainly won't judge you, but there is no assurance that doing that will take care of what you are experiencing.

Wishing you the best.....

[[Vi...]]

HI Smamo3

I know how you feel and I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm 10 months out and this is a second time to come off from Clonazepam. First was CT recommended by my doctor.  So I'm in withrawl more than 1 and half year. Still in hell with severe burning headache and depression. Those are my worst symptoms, but I would not go back to Clonazepam! Never again. I do feel some day like today a little better thanks for my wonderful BB friend here ( you know who you are ) and day like this give me hope to push forward. You can do this, you not alone in this and we here to support you.

Healing can happen any time soon! Most people feel some good improvement around year out.

They say when you are in hell keep walking! That's what we have to do. Happy life waiting for us

Hugs

[[of...]]

Ive reinstated several time before my final taper. . . the last reinstatent in early 2013, i reinstated and felt better for 2 weeks. Then my tollerance started getting out of control in a very short amount of time.. I went from being stuck on 1.5 mg of xanax to almost 3.5 mg of xanax and 2mg of klonopin. I was on a journey to escape withdrawal and it set me back half a decade.. And still counting. The only way out is through...

 

If you hate the dead feeling maybe use some cbd or thc a couple times a week to get through the deadness without reinstating. Trust me bro, right now you have a future. You made the right decision coming off Valium. . Dont go back on.. trust me.. You'll end up going through a deeper level of hell. Its unimaginable.

 

[[Sh...]]

I appreciate all the responses. Being trapped in this mental state is like a nightmare. It seems like there is no coming out of it.

[[Ma...]]

I appreciate all the responses. Being trapped in this mental state is like a nightmare. It seems like there is no coming out of it.

 

I am with you.Feeling the same.I totally understand.I do not sleep too.How is your sleep?

[[Sy...]]

May be anafranil is a solution

I ll try

Alex

 

[[Tr...]]

Sorry you're going through this, but good to hear you've been benzo free for so long.

 

Life sucks sometimes. Just getting through the day can be such a chore, a struggle. Hang in. I suffer too. One thing I've noticed about myself is that I'm more easily able to get out of funks lately. I still have that dead feeling but it's milder that it was when I was up and down on Klonopin.

 

My therapist says the best thing to do is self regulation, rather than self medication. I struggle with this and wish there was some easy relief from the murk. All I can do is look to the things I appreciate in life, try to find pleasure in the moment, and treat myself with compassion. It's all we can do, really.