My Nick should tell you a lot....

[[No...]]

Greetings all,

 

There are many suggestions to my left and I will fulfill as many I can or feel will help me achieve my goal of joining BB's (for a second time I might add, first time was years ago, and let's just say it didn't go so well, but that's the past and this is the NOW):

 

Reason for joining: To once and for all extricate myself from the hell that is active Benzodiazepine dependence/addiction is (and has) caused/causing on my life.

 

Type of Benzodiazpines I am taking: I will tell what I am prescribed and the dosing instructions but in all honesty I abuse my prescriptions so it varies highly.

 

Klonopin / Clonazepam - 2mg - 1 Tab - 4X Daily - Total=  8mg Daily - 120 TABS MONTHLY

Xanax / Alprazolam - 2mg - 1 Tab - 2X Daily - Total = 4mg Daily - 60 TABS MONTHLY

 

I have been taking Xanax for about 18 years. I have been taking a combination of Xanax and Klonopin steadily for at least 3/4 years now. As for "other" Benzos or Z-drugs, I have taken many, but now ONLY take the two listed above. I have NO access to illicit substances nor the inclination to dig myself into a deeper hole than I am already in. I can barely see the light from my current depth....

 

I think it important to mention that I am on one and ONLY one other prescribed medication, which I DO NOT ABUSE.

 

Suboxone / Buprenorphine/Nalaxone - 8-2mg - 2 Tab - 2X Daily - Total = 16mg Daily - 60 TABS MONTHLY

 

I am not currently on a taper for any of the three listed substances.

 

So here it comes...

 

My opening salvo....

 

I ALREADY KNOW THAT I AM ON A TERRIBLE COMBINATION OF DRUGS. I ALREADY KNOW THE RISKS OF MIXING BENZOS/SUB (I have been on the combination for years without ANY DEADLY side effects accept the obvious "listed" effects, and of course the fact that when combined with Benzos they make everything worse). Not only have I successfully tapered from and off of Suboxone in the past I plan on doing so again ASAP. I ALREADY KNOW THAT MY USE HAS BEEN LONG AND MY DOSES ARE HIGH. I know where I am in my life and I know where I TRULY HOPE I would like to be if I can get the cancer known as Benzos (and Suboxone) out of my body and life. I see TWO and ONLY two doctors. And although many of you may say "well how can they be good doctors if...?" I would be HAPPY TO EXPLAIN (and will below).

 

What I did not come here for:

 

Being branded as "some junky", (if you want to talk about abusing meds in an appropriate fashion that's fine, I will not engage in wars). I am sure many if not MOST of you know that most Western doctors (especially IM, internal medicine physicians) but also MOST Psychiatrists (and all other mental health related doctors), the two types of doctors I see knowq little to NOTHING about the Ashton Method, Manual etc. I have seen doctors who I can literally say were akin to Dr. Frankenstein over the years, and I MEAN THIS. The two doctors I currently see are doing the best they can with the information and patient (ME) they have been taught (both are highly credentialed). My IM Doctor prescribes my Suboxone (as well as being my primary care physician) and takes Medicaid (except for the Suboxone visits). I know of NO doctors that accept Medicaid for Suboxone (it's 80.00 USD per visit for Suboxone). My Psychiatrist literally has been seeing me on a "sliding scale", for over 4 years (I owe him a few thousand dollars and that's highly discounted, if he charged me his actual rate I would owe him, wow I am not even going to do the calculations). I pay him if/when I can (50.00 USD here and there). The ONLY reason he sees me is (besides being a sincerely nice man) because he has known and worked with my mother (she is/was in the medical field) for over 30 years. So it's a "professional courtesy". So I am not looking to have my doctors vilified. BOTH want nothing more than to see me off of all of my meds. Obviously I am already starting hear in a defensive posture. TRUST ME (and I am sure so many of you are just like me), when I say NO ONE can beat me up like ME. No one can bring me down like I can. NO ONE can self sabotage like me... I have gone from ADDICTION to DEPENDENCE (which HAS provided stability, and a much needed break for my family). But I am left still feeling like s@@@. I am despondent, have NO AMBITIONS, have watched myself turn into the out of shape 36 year old (I turned 36 on XMAS day 2016) sloth that is typing this (I once lived in Thailand and competed on a high level as a Muay Thai fighter in Asia, and have traveled the world, happy and active, it seems like a dream....). I was once a successful IT professional. I have worked a total of 2 years in the last 8!!! I am world weary. I am tired. I am sick (this IS a sickness!!!). And quite honestly I have those days where turning 37 is NOT something I look forward too. So I am giving BB's a second try. I stated my goal/s. To eliminate Benzos/Subs from my life. I am here for the Benzo support (I only say this because other than about two weeks of physical discomfort I KNOW I can come off of Suboxone safely and rather easily, and I also have my doctors support). I am sure anyone here who have withdrawn from both (let's just say OPIATES in general), that an opiate detox is a walk in the park compared to even TRYING to tit-rate/taper from Benzos. I feel like have a hole in my soul. And MY GOD how the time is flying.... I know it's "one day at a time", and "time takes time" (long history in 12 steps and the groups or "rooms", as well as inpatient and outpatient rehab)... but on the closer side of 40 and watching the days just fade, melting into a blur well... I HAVE TO put a bit of a fire under my own butt... You don't see very many 40 year old IT professionals with gaping holes (or faked positions etc. ) in their CV's getting hired. Hell it's hard enough to get hired in the first place. I grew up having a girlfriend from before I can remember (as well as a very healthy let's say "relationship life"). I always had a great girl around. Addiction ruined all that. Now with DEPENDENCE I have ZERO friends (my best friend, really a brother of over 20 years finally tapped out), I haven't even held hands or had a woman smile at me with affection in almost 5 years, let alone have had any sort of relationship. I barely leave the house. I THANK GOD my mother allows me to stay in an extra guest room in her home or I would be on the street (one thing I am is OCD when it comes to cleaning and co-habitation, I DO pull my weight in that sense, financially I have minimized my drain down to 80.00 USD per month for my doctors visit, but my mother is kind and will occasionally surprise me with a gift and has helped me with a few hundred dollars to repair my own 21 year old car, I am a pretty good mechanic, not ASCE certified but I probably could be). I am hurting bad and in the depths of despair and it may no sound like it because quite frankly I am SO use to it. This was MUCH more than an intro but I am glad I could vent...

 

P.S. - Please excuse any typos or lack of articulation. It took me an hour just to decide if I wanted to rejoin BB's so...

 

 

[[be...]]

Hi  Welcome to BenzoBuddies!

 

I am glad rejoined to today. Remember you can only post under one username. The recommended reduction rate is 5 to 10 percent every two weeks. A gradual taper really is the best way to try to minimize symptoms.

 

You might like to check out The Ashton Manual it is an authoritative source on what to expect in withdrawal and recovery.  Dr. Ashton is an expert in the field. 

 

Please feel free to post to any of the dedicated boards, we have a wonderful community of people here, who will give sound advice. Members have been through all aspects of benzodiazepine use and withdrawal and are more than willing to share their experiences.

 

General Taper Plans

Withdrawal Support During Your Taper

 

 

Please take the time to Create a Signature.  This will allow others to see where you are in the process so they can better support you.

 

Again Welcome! 

 

benzos-R-cruel

[[pi...]]

Hello NothingLeft,

 

I'm so happy you have decided to rejoin the forum.  Many people have had failed tapers in the past through no fault of their own. That doesn't mean that this one will fail. With a sensible plan, you can be successful in tapering off the benzos and recovery from their use.

 

I'm glad you are aware of the Ashton protocol, and yes, many doctors simply dismiss the plan or have never heard of it.

 

Many people have lost so much during the withdrawal process, sadly, you are not alone in that regard.  I've also seen members start to rebuild what they have lost, slowly, step by step.  There doesn't have to be Nothing Left,  there can be a lot left after tapering and healing.

 

Coming off benzos was the smartest and best thing I have done for my future health and wellbeing. Plus, I'm a whole lot older than you, 66, but I still have a lot of living to do.

 

pianogirl