anyone else realized only recently they've been in withdrawal for years???

[[si...]]

I'm almost two months out, after a four month taper, and the longer I go in this process, the more clear it becomes that almost literally all of my problems have come from being either in tolerance or withdrawing but having no idea that was what was wrong with me. Unlike a lot of you, I didn't go to a bunch of doctors, I was a college student, I drank a lot, and I also took a lot of ADHD meds daily to help me study, so I thought that all these weird feelings in my skin, my face pain, the breathing problems, the heart rate, the depression, the anxiety, were all just side effects of other substances / life / getting older / the world generally being dark and scary. I used to make this joke: "If anyone was in my body for five minutes, they would be like, Take me to the emergency room." IT was a joke that very transparently belied my anxiety about how WEIRD I always felt, but I just sort of...became accustomed to feeling horrific all the time.

 

Now I realize, um, no, that is NOT the way it was! And I'm so astonished! So astonished that I spent so much time feeling miserable and it was, all of it, withdrawal from benzos. It gives me a perverse sort of excitement to see what my brain and emotions and world will feel like once I am healed, since I don't think I've felt normal in seven years, and can't even imagine what that would be like.

 

Maybe controversial to say, but the longer I go, and the more I learn about benzos, I am also convinced that my alcohol abuse was intimately connected to being in withdrawal. I always felt weird, shaky, burny, and my skin, it just felt bizarre, but I knew alcohol helped, so I looked forward obsessively to drinking, and I just sort of concluded this was because I was a heavy drinker, and all those feelings were alcohol withdrawal––I now realize those were NOT HANGOVERS. I was drinking, and got into this pattern of drinking and abusing alcohol, because I was so utterly wretched in body and mind from clonopin withdrawal. Now that I have cut out all other substances, and just have the pure hell of withdrawal, I can identify 100% that this was the feeling I was trying to run from. I don't know if I will ever drink again, and obviously that choice wont even be an option for years, but I wonder if I might in fact not really have this huge drinking problem I always thought I did without withdrawal, as I have nothing to run from?? It's a strange thought!

 

I've also, for years, started having mouth twitches, blank mind in conversations, terrible memory, terrible focus––IT'S SO CLEAR NOW. It was all withdrawal. Ugh.

 

I've just come to so many epiphanies. Curious if anyone else feels the same. I'm trying to see this as a good thing, like wow, finally, I've figured out this is why I completely spiraled out of control over the past four years––I was living life POISONED and had no idea, I just thought that was normal me!!

 

 

 

[[do...]]

Yes. I was in tolerace WD for for the majority of my 17 years on benzos. 11 of those years are a total loss. Also, I understand what you say about drinking, as my Mom was a 40-year benzo user and drank herself to death. She just couldn't handle the pain anymore.

 

It's criminal.

[[Al...]]

I'm having these same thoughts, just today I thought about the pressure on my stomach (where I feel the anxiety) and the general uncomfortable feeling I live in. I was like "hmm, maybe this really just is some stupid w/d sh*t and it will go away when I'm healed." but then again I started to question it and went to being sure I'm going to feel like sh*t for the rest of my days. Who knows, I'm constantly lingering between knowing/believing that this is w/d and the next moment I'm sure it isn't and I've destroyed my brain by excessive weed smoking or whatever. Like I live between two realities of existence or something

[[Tr...]]

I think benzos withdrawal has a huge impact on my life. As I get further from benzo, almost 8 months now, even though I am still struggling a lot, but I do have clear mind on days and feel a lot better. I then recognize that my brain is slowly coming back. When I was on benzo, I always felt bad about myself, lack of concentration, memory not good, nervous, not confident, can't talk too much on the phone, or with people, freak out in public, shaking, etc....I've always thought it was me that was who I was...not smart, just with so make weaknesses...and blame everything on myself...but now I Realize I don't blame EVERYTHING on benzos, but it would cause about 70-80% of what I felt when I was on it...I was so sensitive with everything....and everyone...So I totally agree with what you said...I am slow glad that I kind of made the decision to get off these drugs...I dunno what led me to do that...but I am glad...I did it...

 

TRacy

[[NY...]]

Yep, I was mostly in withdrawal for fifteen years without realizing it and also medicated the symptoms with alcohol for many years.  It's a double edged sword...such a relief to know it was related to the meds, but also painful to realize the suffering was avoidable, needless.

[[of...]]

I was sick the entire time i was on benzos but i thought i had some health problem. I was in tollerance for 2 years, weaned over a year and have been off for 3 years. Ive made some improvement but i'm still kindof screwed to pht it kindly

[[si...]]

I was in tolerance wd for years, it caused me to make bad decisions and I tried to medicate myself out of it. (which only made things worse).

I think there is a very large amount of people that end up with miss diagnosis and get put on more meds and only figure it out when they do their own research and figure out that these pharmaceuticals are killing them.

We are the lucky ones that one day we will have a chance at a happy life. Med free.

[[El...]]

Ohhh yes, I was in tolerance for at least two years, maybe more... without knowing it. I continuesly tried to tell my doctor that there's something wrong, and I continuesly googled all my symptoms.

And all those symptoms are now going in repeat again after I found out, and I'm like ahhaaa I remember this one... but of course some new has been added to to the table too ofcourse.

It was such a relief to finally find the reason to why I've been feeling like this, but as the same time I'm sad that a doctor continued to prescribe me tablet that shouldn't be taken more than 2-4 weeks at a time. And I'm sad when I read about all the sufferings in here, by people who has lost several years of their life's to a prescribed medicine and I get even more sad thinking about how little knowledge the doctors have about what we go through.

I can't wait to get my life back and I really hope one day that there will be a huge awakening in the medical industry what these prescriptions actually are doing to people.

Hugs 🤗 

[[Al...]]

I started developing an anxiety disorder as soon as I started Ambien. You withdrawal from Ambien every day. I didn't know it was the Ambien and took Ambien for another year. After tapering off the Ambien I thought I was in the clear but still had panic attacks, which were more frequent, and I still thought it was all in my head. Then I had another run in with benzos and now find out I'm dealing with a KINDLED withdrawal.

[[re...]]

yep.  benzos destroyed me while taking them and getting off of them.  but, i didn't really notice anything wrong while taking them until someone pointed out to me that something was wrong.

[[ca...]]

I wouldn't have been the wiser if it hadn't been for my research online and finally finding Benzo Buddies. Doctors don't know or they simply don't want the patient to know that it is withdrawal, so they can pump more drugs in them. I have wondered how many symptoms people have that are related more to some prescription drug or additives in our food and water. I sure question a lot more than before all of this happened to me.

[[Na...]]

I was in tolerance for 6 or 7 years easy.

 

This stuff has wrecked my life for a long time now.

 

 

[[Me...]]

I only realized what was going on with me because my bf experienced very acute withdrawl and while researching to support him I realized I wasn't crazy or losing my mind six months after ending bentos cold turkey!

[[pu...]]

This same exactly thing happened with me and alcohol.

 

 

I thought I was an "alcoholic" or addicted to alcohol or something.

[[Bu...]]

I was in tolerance withdrawals for about a year and a half and thought all the symptoms were due to a couple of longstanding illnesses.  It finally dawned on me that I was recovering from one of them but, couldn't figure out why I was still having all these strange mental and physical symptoms that I'd never had before in my life.  Took another 6 months to find a doctor to confirm my suspicions and Benzo Buddies to help me really understand what the heck was happening!

[[be...]]

I was bedridden for months because of crushing depression, while on benzodaizepines.  It was only after I stopped them that I realized what had happened.

[[Sp...]]

My nurse practitioner told me that tolerance withdrawal is commonly associated with wanting to drink more.  I didn't even say anything.  Knowing I had been in tolerance w/d for a few years, she just off-handedly asked me if, by chance, I had been drinking more.  I said definitely yes.  Her reply was that it always does.  The younger practitioners know a lot more about this than do their more mature counterparts.  A sad state of affairs for such a ruinous pharmaceutical.

 

Sprinkly

[[Ra...]]

I think I can attribute my lack of progress in therapy, with meditation, and life in general to the experience I've had on benzos the last several years. I have been working my a s off all these years to heal my life,, get back to work, etc. And very frustrated an abusive toward myself for not working hard enough and making progress. 

 

Anyway, yes, I absolutely think this is the case for me.

 

[[Co...]]

Yes!  Me too.  Thanks for starting this thread.  I'm realizing more and more how much benzos were destroying my life.  My relief at finding this site and figuring out what was going on is only matched by my sadness and anger at the loss of so many years of my life.  I can see very clearly now that I've been experiencing tolerance withdrawal for the past four years.  It has been horrible, and I'm a little surprised that I'm still here - I thought it was permanent and hopeless for so long.  Not anymore.  I've come out fighting for my life. 

[[Al...]]

When it started , I thought something was wrong with my pancreas which would cause me to have anxiety or panic some time within 0 to 4 hours after a meal (basically any time) and I was checking my blood sugar all the time, tracking trends and microanalyzing how it took too long to go back from 140 to 100

[[on...]]

Sadly I now realize I was in withdrawal for many of the 30 years I was on xanax. I felt crappy and weird a lot of the time but didn't know what it was. I called them episodes when I would feel light headed or panicky or agitated- especially around the time I was due for my next dose of xanax.  I was terrified to leave the house without my emergency stash of xanax because I was afraid of getting these weird feelings. I figured it was just part of the original panic disorder I was prescribed xanax for in the first place. I did not realize till I got off the xanax that  evil pill  was actually making me more panicky and anxious which is a sad irony. Wish I had figured it out sooner so all those years were not spent feeling lousy.

[[si...]]

Totally insane!!! WHY ARE THESE STILL LEGAL???

 

My greatest sympathies to you all. It's so incredibly helpful to speak to others who have had this same exact revelation.

 

Silver lining: at least we know we were being poisoned, and weren't utterly mad to begin with.

 

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