Beached, stranded, separated: help, advice, please

[[Da...]]

I've posted many times before.  I'm on medical leave from my job of 40 years, because I took .5mg Ativan last May, and everything that followed was a nightmare.  I've moved out of state, am facing retirement, and now living with my sister, who is a saint. 

 

I used to be highly functioning, independent and job focused.  Now I'm back in my hometown, with no structure, isolated (except for my sister).  I'm in despair.  I have no motivation, a few "normal" windows, persistent insomnia, and then days in which I sleep to escape my depression.  I'm doing a liquid taper, but only at .420 mg. now, with a long way to go.  I would like to work, but I can't.  My doctor says that at such a very low dose of Ativan, I should not be feeling the way I do, because pharmacologically and on paper, the dose does not equate with my symptoms.  (Therefore, what I'm feeling, experiencing is not scientifically possible.  However, my anxiety, insomnia, hypersomnia, lack of motivation, depression, feeling trapped and rudderless, are real.)

 

I miss the structure of my job and the people there, but I cannot see how I can function enough to go back--part time not an option as it's an associate director position in the arts.  My doctor at this point would not approve a return anyway, and I've already changed address (in terms of moving out of state) and so on.  So the reality is, I'm going to have to reinvent myself and so far it's a bust.  I've always defined myself by work, and now days are bleak with nowhere to go (in my present state I'm fairly dependent on my sister). 

 

If I had a dog, at least I could walk it and have something to care for that would distract me, but after my dog died (the thing that started the downturn) I suddenly became allergic.  My hometown is great, but not for the arts--it's a medical and tech center.  I honestly don't know where to go, what to do, how to establish a routine other than worrying, watching television, going to doctors and waiting for my sister to come home.

 

I'm rambling--I'm sorry.  But I'm ill, I'm fixated on my illness, and nothing seems to make things better.  At times I fear I have dementia, and at my age and with my symptoms, that would be an understandable diagnosis, except for the fact of the benzo dependence.  I'm frightened, I need solid suggestions as to how to get out of this.  Every day I wake up too soon, lie in bed with my mind racing.  Sometimes, coming out of a nap I forget the mess I'm in and for a few seconds believe I'm back to my normal self, in my condo, with my work--then I wake up, and the reality hits me and I'm back in the abyss.

 

Help, guys.  I know many have made it out, and many are still struggling.

 

[Guest [Fl...]]

Hi Danielle,

 

I can relate to your story in many ways. I used to be pretty successful in the same Field also with a good income and many friends etc. Now everything has turned on its head. I live alone in part of the UK where I know very few people and am no longer in contact with my family. I left my work in October and, like you, despair at the lack of structure to my day, it is driving me crazy. I keep trying to get involved with things but my brain takes over and I end up trying to get away from myself by taking naps. Not a good idea but all this is quite overwhelming.

 

I'm sorry I can't offer you any wise words but just wanted to say I completely understand what you are saying and if you ever want to talk then just give me a shout.

 

Take care.

[[Da...]]

Fleety76, while I'd like to say I'm glad I am not alone after reading your post, I am so very saddened for the both of us.  And so sorry.

 

I want so much to get better, and I want the same for you.  One doctor told me to "just power through it."  Pretty clear he had no idea of what I/we are going through.

 

Others on this forum: please, please offer help and advice.

[Guest [Fl...]]

Yes I was told to 'man up and stop feeling sorry myself'. My mind Google's at what they are taught in Medical School.

[[Ge...]]

Can you do some kind of work?  Even something like volunteer to teach kids or seniors to do art?  It would give structure to your day and distract you from your symptoms.  As hard as it is to work every day.. I persist because I need the routine (and the money).  Not having a routine would cause my anxiety and depression to kick into high gear.  I'm very sorry about the dog allergy.. that would make me sad too.

[[Ge...]]

Another idea..  can you do something gentle but healthy like Taoist Tai Chi?  It would be good for your brain, body and your routine.

[[Ca...]]

Hey guys,

I guess you dont want to know just how much i relate too... sorry...

I was hoping for some constructive answers that were doable... -not yet it seems, lol

 

My goals are to get through each day, and hope the next is better, until i am off these meds and healed...

I will keep looking for ways forward, but i wont get upset with myself if i have to spend weeks and months in bed... My situation is different to many others, and that is how it is... The True ME is still within, and WILL rise again...

 

It makes it hard that I am classed as TPD (total permanent disability) -when in reality, without medication created issues, all that most people would notice is a limp... so the Drs say im doing fine...

Well im not!!!

I am physically capable of racing dirt bikes and water skiing, -if i werent stuck in bed...!!

-this is part of my motivation to keep going...

-the other is that i am a fulltime single dad to C14...

so i hope we can help each other...

There is more to life than this...

Stay strong...

 

[[Ca...]]

Hey George,

 

Tai Chi would be my first point of call... I have practiced Yang short form much of my life, and tried hard to return to the way... -i just cant, there is some block stopping me... -i havnt given up, its just taking longer to fix the broken something, than i thought...

But your so right, from Tai Chi, all things would follow... how much more wholistic could one get...!

Thanks... (i will keep trying)

 

[[Ge...]]

Hey George,

 

Tai Chi would be my first point of call... I have practiced Yang short form much of my life, and tried hard to return to the way... -i just cant, there is some block stopping me... -i havnt given up, its just taking longer to fix the broken something, than i thought...

But your so right, from Tai Chi, all things would follow... how much more wholistic could one get...!

Thanks... (i will keep trying)

 

LOL I actually helped myself with that post.  I used to do Tai Chi and then I got distracted with more cardio and resistance type stuff.. but since in benzo withdrawl... I'm barely exercising...After I typed that I got up off my tail and did some practice and looked up the center's current schedule.. I think it would be good for me to try to go back..  You will make it back too.. all in good time! 

[[be...]]

DD and CF:

 

Sorry you are in this situation. But I can relate, by another delivery method. I had to go home and be my mom's caregiver 24/7. I felt so isolated and lonely. Plus a brother who hates me. So I moved. I try to keep myself busy by helping others. You know, driving old people to the grocery stores and to the docs. It distracts me and I feel good about helping others. I also went back to exercising a lot. Too bad I started off where I left as I should have gone back to ground zero. If you can mange to drive, then I think that's a good idea. But if bedridden, not so. Then I would turned to mindless things like reading a simple book or watching Netflix. I did that when I woke up feeling like crap. But as the day went by I was able to get up and do things. Think yourself as a success and not a failure, because you have succeeded so far! With more to come. DD: maybe you won't be able to go back to the job you once had, but is there any chance of freelancing from home? Wishing you the best.

 

Betsy

[[To...]]

I've posted many times before.  I'm on medical leave from my job of 40 years, because I took .5mg Ativan last May, and everything that followed was a nightmare.  I've moved out of state, am facing retirement, and now living with my sister, who is a saint. 

 

I used to be highly functioning, independent and job focused.  Now I'm back in my hometown, with no structure, isolated (except for my sister).  I'm in despair.  I have no motivation, a few "normal" windows, persistent insomnia, and then days in which I sleep to escape my depression.  I'm doing a liquid taper, but only at .420 mg. now, with a long way to go.  I would like to work, but I can't.  My doctor says that at such a very low dose of Ativan, I should not be feeling the way I do, because pharmacologically and on paper, the dose does not equate with my symptoms.  (Therefore, what I'm feeling, experiencing is not scientifically possible.  However, my anxiety, insomnia, hypersomnia, lack of motivation, depression, feeling trapped and rudderless, are real.)

 

I miss the structure of my job and the people there, but I cannot see how I can function enough to go back--part time not an option as it's an associate director position in the arts.  My doctor at this point would not approve a return anyway, and I've already changed address (in terms of moving out of state) and so on.  So the reality is, I'm going to have to reinvent myself and so far it's a bust.  I've always defined myself by work, and now days are bleak with nowhere to go (in my present state I'm fairly dependent on my sister). 

 

If I had a dog, at least I could walk it and have something to care for that would distract me, but after my dog died (the thing that started the downturn) I suddenly became allergic.  My hometown is great, but not for the arts--it's a medical and tech center.  I honestly don't know where to go, what to do, how to establish a routine other than worrying, watching television, going to doctors and waiting for my sister to come home.

 

I'm rambling--I'm sorry.  But I'm ill, I'm fixated on my illness, and nothing seems to make things better.  At times I fear I have dementia, and at my age and with my symptoms, that would be an understandable diagnosis, except for the fact of the benzo dependence.  I'm frightened, I need solid suggestions as to how to get out of this.  Every day I wake up too soon, lie in bed with my mind racing.  Sometimes, coming out of a nap I forget the mess I'm in and for a few seconds believe I'm back to my normal self, in my condo, with my work--then I wake up, and the reality hits me and I'm back in the abyss.

 

Help, guys.  I know many have made it out, and many are still struggling.

 

 

Seems like you may be in a vicious cycle where your brain centers are dumping fear hormones (i.e. cortisol) which trigger fixation, worry, mind racing etc. which in turn causes more hormones to dump. First step is to ride the wave and understand what is happening within and that if you can contain this scary stuff (or slow it down), your body can come back down from hyper stress. Which, of course, it will.

 

I found it helpful during a recent wicked 3-month depression and tolerance wd period recently. Google "anxietycentre". Lots of free info there. It was cool to see that, while very unpleasant, when you understand what your body is doing, you can get far better control on how you deal with it -- sort of step outside and watch what is happening. It really helped me to not be scared which, by itself, kept me from amping it up further with scary thinking.

 

One minute, one hour, one day at a time....

 

Hoping for the best for you.

[[Da...]]

Thanks to all who replied.  I truly appreciate your thoughts, ideas and support.

 

I find it very difficult simply to "force" my way through this  I was facing retirement in any case, within a year or so, and the life transition aspects would have been hard even without the benzodiazepine struggle.  However, the benzos have made it monumentally more difficult.

 

I know I do need to establish a routine.  As much as I want to work, it's probably not possible in the short terms  I would volunteer (at what I don't know--I was hoping to volunteer at the really splendid local humane society, but I've developed allergies and at this point I can't add allergy injections to the meds I'm already on).

 

I look ahead and see an empty horizon.  It is hard to see the light.

 

Wishing for all of us life, light, peace, recovery and healing.

 

 

 

 

[[be...]]

The light is there. It just has curves in it.

[[Ge...]]

How about a wildlife shelter?  Feed baby birds or something without fur??  This world still needs you, that's why you are still here.  I know something meaningful will present itself to you.

[[Da...]]

Thank you to all who replied.  There are times--windows of normalcy--when I think, well,  just pull yourself up by the proverbial boot straps.  But then the symptoms reassert themselves.  I did manage, with the help of my sister and understanding realtors, to clear stuff from my condo, but it was ten days of forcing myself and collapsing mid-day. The everyday things that people do who aren't under the yoke of benzo withdrawal are like mountain climbing to me.  I can't pull myself out of it  And it doesn't help when my doctor says that scientifically I should not feel the way I feel based on the small dose of lorazepam (currently liquid taper at .420 decrement)  So, it's all in my head, in that sense.  While it's literally true, I can't will myself out of this.  And my sister has been thrust into the role of caregiver, which I greatly regret

 

I'm sorry that I'm so sorry for myself. I'm sorry I took lorazepam for two months and became someone else. I have to find some meaning in this, and some meaning for my life. 

 

I have to dig myself out of this hole.  Exercise, yes.  Establish some sort of routine other than waking up too early, "stewing' in bed and worrying, then taking all morning even to eat something for breakfast, shower and dress.  Watching cooking shows on television, sometimes rewatching the same episode, just to distract my mind.  But it's not working

 

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  I wish for all of us that we find the heart to love ourselves and the way to go on.  My birthday follows in two weeks.  I wish I could give myself the gift of hope and healing.

[[be...]]

I wish I could give myself the gift of hope and healing.

 

We'll try to give it for you. :smitten:

[[Ca...]]

I hear you... -and I DO understand...

Many here will understand, and that is a gift you have given yourself...

I have been like this for several years tapering another med. I started to get slightly better, and decided to taper valium to heal properly... -I got worse, but i KNOW i will get better in time...

This is what my Benzo Buddies are slowly teaching me, and reinforcing every day...

When i faulter someone or something picks me up...

So, if you need to lean on us, lean away... its all a big circle...

Happy Birthday...!!! (Cos Forget is my middle name...)

 

[[be...]]

I hear you... -and I DO understand...

Many here will understand, and that is a gift you have given yourself...

I have been like this for several years tapering another med. I started to get slightly better, and decided to taper valium to heal properly... -I got worse, but i KNOW i will get better in time...

This is what my Benzo Buddies are slowly teaching me, and reinforcing every day...

When i faulter someone or something picks me up...

So, if you need to lean on us, lean away... its all a big circle...

Happy Birthday...!!! (Cos Forget is my middle name...)

 

Cantfly... Cantspell... Cantthink... Cantremember.

 

I guess that's true. :laugh:

[[Ca...]]

Mitsy, you dont know the half of it..!!! Lol

 

[[Da...]]

Benzogirl, Cantfly, et al.  Thank you.  Most of the world doesn't know what we're going through, including the doctors who treat us and prescribe the medications whose effects they can't "undo."  Those suffering from benzodiazepines aren't part of the care circles that develop for devastating diseases like cancer.  It is unfair to compare illnesses, but I feel that ours are still covered, if not in shame, then in secrecy and ignorance--we are not candidates for casseroles and other meals brought to our doorstep, the taking over of daily tasks, or carpools to take us to the doctor. No one holds fundraisers for our illness, and very few understand what we're going through (except others who are going through it themselves). While heroin and cocaine addictions are finally being addressed in this country (or at least the first steps taken), the only kind of public acknowledgment and mobilization to address benzodiazepine dependency is in the UK. 

 

I don't want to be a poster child for this illness.  I would just like the medical establishment to recognize and do something about it, both to prevent and treat it.  I did not even know I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms that took me to the ER (of a highly respected hospital) in August.  None of the multiple physicians who saw and treated me there ever once suggested that the lorazepam was the cause----not a single one  I was told to stay on it and that if I wished to taper, just cut 1/4 to half the pill every two weeks.  It wasn't until I found this website that I finally figured out that I was going through withdrawal.  Then the battle began to find  a physician (it took two weeks of calling one after another--some didn't even return calls), being in treatment (antidepressants prescribed on top of the benzo), and becoming less and less able to function or cope at my job or even at home, where I'd just collapse at the end of the day.  My insurance through my job was great for many things--if I had a broken leg, for example--but not for mind/body illnesses like benzodiazepine dependence.  And I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist who does not accept insurance.  Few do, and virtually none take Medicare. It's a disgrace.

 

We are doubly isolated, because there is no structure in the medical system to deal with us, and there is no public understanding of our illness  We are forced to DIY within our own community (like benzo.buddies) and to cobble together or otherwise devise our own treatment and recovery.  This should not be.  But it is.

 

 

[[be...]]

Mitsy, you dont know the half of it..!!! Lol

 

It's Betsy  :laugh: . I think you are having a brain fart, but then again, so am I.  :laugh:

[[Ca...]]

Mitsy, you dont know the half of it..!!! Lol

 

It's Betsy  :laugh: . I think you are having a brain fart, but then again, so am I.  :laugh:

So sorry, Lexy... my bad...

 

Danielle,

You are right, we are in the corner so to speak...

 

But i do see changes, and the potential for much more change, i was thinking on this recently... (so pls forgive me while i have a little blurt...)

 

The internet has enabled changes, the experiences on these pages couldnt be taught in a medical degree. The facts and chemestry perhaps, but not the human aspect...

We now have the power, for the first time in history, to be as, if not more informed than many of our Drs...

With a good Dr this can have flow on effects...  My Dr is now understanding why she is having problems with tapering other patients off benzos, She is no fool, but all she knew was to warn me 6 months ago that valium can be harder to get off than opiates... when i decided to cut the V, she thought about 50% a month would be fine... lucky we have trust... she now has looked at the Ashton manual, and BB... and im sure thats not all...

She owns the surgery, there are now 8 Drs there that this will flow on to...

 

It will change, but we have to be informed and proactive where possible...

Small things can have big effects...

It seems that some of the older Drs fear the internet and and cling on in ignorance, (the average Dr doesnt get much time for independent resurch and get what big pharma pushes)...

And many of the young Drs (unless specialists) refuse to prescribe new scripts for drugs of dependence (DOD).

So in time i hope there will be less scripts, written by more educated specialists...

-small steps, I know, but they are in the right direction...

I have also been told that here in Australia, in 2018, there will be big changes to DOD protocols...

Possibly not a great thing if not done correctly and with support systems in place for those that need.

-we will see...

 

All we can do is keep pushing forward like every other minority has in the past...

The founders of this site sure did make a difference...

We all can... in our own way, in our own time...

Thanks..