Is it more than anxiety/depression?

[[Ma...]]

I'm a new poster to the forum but I have been reading posts since I CT off klonopin back June 2016( 8 months ago ).  Quick history - 3 years of .5mg of Klonopin(1-2x daily) for anxiety. Then last three  months I would take either the klonopin or 1mg of Ativan.Then I quit. I wasn't aware or advised on withdrawals or severity of cold turkey.  I went through the horrendous withdrawls for several months then had a few windows around 5 to 6 months then my stepfather passed away at Christmas and ever since then I've had a very tough time.  Most of the physical symptoms have eased up and are manageable however the mental symptoms are still very tough to deal with and I am discouraged because I was feeling hopeful before my stepfathers death but since his death my mental symptoms are terrible and almost unbearable.  Very high anxiety,  intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, bad concentration, nightmares, blurry vision,  hopelessness, major depression, dp/dr,  suicidal thoughts(no actions) etc. I have obsessive thoughts that I must have more serious mental illness like  psychosis or schizophrenia. I have a terrible time shaken these thoughts. Is this common at 8 months off a cold withdrawal? Isn't the dose I was taking a low dose so am I supposed to be experiencing such harsh mental symptoms? Also, I have conversations in my mind with people I know in my head, I know they aren't there and I don't speak to them aloud, it's like I'm thinking or practicing, I think about what we might talk about if they were around...is that psycho or the that part of my loneliness or anxiety? My therapist thinks I'm okay but i feel better after seeing her but a day or so later my mind will start doubting her and go back to thinking I'm seriously mentally ill. Please my benzo warriors, help your sister out... let me know what you think.

Mappin

[[Th...]]

Hi Mappine, Unfortunately from what I have noticed small doses and small amounts of time on these drugs can still cause great discomfort and sensitivity months out. It doesn't mean your brain is not healing I think it just means we may ultra sensitive to bad situations. I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather. That alone is enough to make someone very depressed. I'm still tapering but feel I just can't take emotional situations like I once could, stressful situations either. Some things that would roll off my back without a thought can spiral me into a deep dark place. I often wonder if I should just stay away from people.

 

Since you CT'd maybe the healing just needs some more time before you can have better emotional strength. What you are going through is a huge and life changing. I'm not even sure if I could reach out right now if I lost someone important. You show great strength there!

 

Depression is so consuming it's hard to see past it. I'm in the midst of it myself due to a very weak support network so to speak. Sometimes the only answer is to just let it happen. I love the quote "the only way out is through" by Robert Frost. Maybe allow yourself to grieve and accept the depression as temporary even if you don't believe it. It's what I have to do myself. I always feel the need to fight to make it go away when maybe that's not what is best and I just have to wait out the storm.

 

In the meantime try to be gentle to yourself. I should take my own advice on that one  . What I do that helps a bit is doing the bare minimum and being ok with it anticipating it will only be a temporary slack off vacation. I stay away from negativity all I can, and sometimes it even means support boards like these. I even had to cancel my FB account...extreme I know  It helped me a great deal at the time and I'm not sad over it. I watch a lot of comedies on TV and avoid the news.

 

I'm not a mental health expert but in my opinion things will get better as your grieving process does. I hope things improve for you and I'm pretty confidant in time it will.