feeling alive and hopeful

[[la...]]

Before I go on I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to all of you. Withdrawal is nothing more than looking hell right in the eyes and making it out alive. Every one of you is so strong and so brave and so deserving of wellness.

 

I did not realize the prison I was keeping myself in because it was socially acceptable for me to take prescription anxiety medication. I was 16 when I was put on benzodiazepines. I thought something was inherently wrong with me, that I was broken and I had no control of my anxiety. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to have children because you cannot take Xanax during pregnancy and I thought I was going to be on it until I died. I did not know how to live without benzos and I thought this was fine.

 

I decided to stop taking benzos in this fall in October 2016. I did a too-quick taper that crept up on me like a tsunami. My withdrawals were unimaginable. Xanax PRN daily for 8 over years. Klonopin PRN daily for over 6 years. Most days both. I did not taper safely because I did not yet understand the risk associated with it. I had isolated myself from my friends, had a chaotic home life and very little support. I do not recommend this to anyone, but if this is your reality - stay strong and hold on.

 

I truly thought the only way to find solace was death. I lived in a state of sheer terror for about 6 weeks. I did not know hope. I did not know calm. I could feel every ounce of dirt and grime and noise around me. Fluorescent overhead lights and streetlights and headlights pierced my skull like daggers. I was literally crawling in my skin. I was too scared to sleep. I could not eat. I had become agoraphobic. I was living in a prison that no one could even begin to understand. I no longer recognized myself. I don’t know how I kept going but I am so glad that I did.

 

Fast-forward almost 5 months later and you would never know that this was my reality.  I am almost symptom free – still dealing with short term memory loss, insomnia, tachycardia pretty bad light sensitivity but these are all a cake walk comparatively. I’ve never felt so alive and happy in my whole life. My constant state of anxiety that I had grown so accustomed to has virtually vanished. I – formerly afraid of crowds – was well enough to attain the Women’s March on Washington. I do yoga and meditate daily and these practices have both helped me immensely. Practicing mindfulness allows me to be calm and in control of any situation I’m in. I practice breathing and grounding exercises, drink lots of water, use essential oils, herbal supplements and eat to nourish my brain.  I am finally able to act like a regular 25 year old. I am so excited for my future.

 

To those of you in the thick of your journey to recovery, I am here with you. You will come out of this alive and stronger than you ever even imagined - our brains are so powerful and resilient. I will fight every day to end the stigma and educate people of the dangers and patterns of prescription drug dependence. I will use my voice and my experience to stand against big pharma and fight for humane healthcare. I will not feel shame from my experience, only strength. I want you to know that I am with you, you are not alone and there is always a light.

 

Love to you all

 

[Guest [Le...]]

Wow, this is just beautiful, Lavendula - thanks so much for posting it.

You have such a lovely spirit! 

[[ed...]]

Congratulations to you! Great job and happy to hear you are doing so well.

 

Best,

Ed

[[la...]]

the more i look at this board the more i realize i should have posted this under the "success stories" tab - i'm not sure how to move it! woops

[Guest [Le...]]

the more i look at this board the more i realize i should have posted this under the "success stories" tab - i'm not sure how to move it! woops

Moved it! 

[[ma...]]

Thank you for the story . Well done

[[Fi...]]

Well Done!

 

 

Delighted for you! 

[[La...]]

Beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations on making it to the other side! You've done a very difficult thing, and you can look back on that with pride and face the future with confidence.

[[bu...]]

Thank you sharing your struggles and triumphs with us.  You worded it beautifully, and it's so nice to hear a young person is enjoying their life again after having it hijacked from prescription drugs.  Congratulations to you! 

[[So...]]

Before I go on I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to all of you. Withdrawal is nothing more than looking hell right in the eyes and making it out alive. Every one of you is so strong and so brave and so deserving of wellness.

 

I did not realize the prison I was keeping myself in because it was socially acceptable for me to take prescription anxiety medication. I was 16 when I was put on benzodiazepines. I thought something was inherently wrong with me, that I was broken and I had no control of my anxiety. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to have children because you cannot take Xanax during pregnancy and I thought I was going to be on it until I died. I did not know how to live without benzos and I thought this was fine.

 

I decided to stop taking benzos in this fall in October 2016. I did a too-quick taper that crept up on me like a tsunami. My withdrawals were unimaginable. Xanax PRN daily for 8 over years. Klonopin PRN daily for over 6 years. Most days both. I did not taper safely because I did not yet understand the risk associated with it. I had isolated myself from my friends, had a chaotic home life and very little support. I do not recommend this to anyone, but if this is your reality - stay strong and hold on.

 

I truly thought the only way to find solace was death. I lived in a state of sheer terror for about 6 weeks. I did not know hope. I did not know calm. I could feel every ounce of dirt and grime and noise around me. Fluorescent overhead lights and streetlights and headlights pierced my skull like daggers. I was literally crawling in my skin. I was too scared to sleep. I could not eat. I had become agoraphobic. I was living in a prison that no one could even begin to understand. I no longer recognized myself. I don’t know how I kept going but I am so glad that I did.

 

Fast-forward almost 5 months later and you would never know that this was my reality.  I am almost symptom free – still dealing with short term memory loss, insomnia, tachycardia pretty bad light sensitivity but these are all a cake walk comparatively. I’ve never felt so alive and happy in my whole life. My constant state of anxiety that I had grown so accustomed to has virtually vanished. I – formerly afraid of crowds – was well enough to attain the Women’s March on Washington. I do yoga and meditate daily and these practices have both helped me immensely. Practicing mindfulness allows me to be calm and in control of any situation I’m in. I practice breathing and grounding exercises, drink lots of water, use essential oils, herbal supplements and eat to nourish my brain.  I am finally able to act like a regular 25 year old. I am so excited for my future.

 

To those of you in the thick of your journey to recovery, I am here with you. You will come out of this alive and stronger than you ever even imagined - our brains are so powerful and resilient. I will fight every day to end the stigma and educate people of the dangers and patterns of prescription drug dependence. I will use my voice and my experience to stand against big pharma and fight for humane healthcare. I will not feel shame from my experience, only strength. I want you to know that I am with you, you are not alone and there is always a light.

 

Love to you all

 

You are a badass first of all, I also attended the women's march but in LA woot woot! I am 24 and started this crap when I was 21 ish and I am so ready to just get off of this and get my life back. It is hard being young and feeling like you are missing out. I am down to 1 mg a day now and I will taper slowly until I am off hoping my brain heals along the way. My main reason for getting off besides the tolerance issues and weight I experienced is my desire to have kids and I would pour hours into looking at how taking klonopin during pregnancy could affect the baby and I even thought ok well I will adopt(which I still plan to) or get a surrogate, all because of these stupid medications would ultimately have done more harm than good.

 

However obviously now I know that I don't need them and I can't wait to be free of those pills. I hope to recover like you have and also just feel more in control of my life because being tied to a pill is crappy honestly and feeling like you can't go anywhere without a xanax is not very freeing you know. Thank you so much for writing this and congratulations, if you have any advice about what helped you heal that would always be greatly appreciated. Sending you love and light!

[[...]]

wow - what a story - i'm sooo very glad for you - wishing you lots of health and happiness for your future. 

[[li...]]

Congratulations!  and Thank you for your inspiring story.

Wishing you much happiness for the future.

 

Lib.   

[[Tr...]]

Beautifully written and so encouraging. Congratulations!

[[Ti...]]

Great read, keep on moving up! Thanks for posting your success.

Good luck out there!