Is this me or the the WD still?

[[Ne...]]

Hello

I began using xanax about 6-7 years ago.  I tried it and was hooked to the confident feeling it gave me.  I convinced myself I "needed" this drug and continued to use it daily.  Eventually it did not work anymore and I did not feel the effects.  I was switched to Klonopin later on which worked but only temporarily as well.  I started with 1 mg of xanax about twice a day.  Then I switched to 1 mg 2X a day of klonopin until I decided to stop the drug recently.

 

To be honest, I have no idea when I began my taper.  I have gone thru so many attacks since then that my memory is a giant blur.  I am unsure if it will ever be the same.. I would guess that I started the taper off of the klonopin around September of 2015.  I did it slowly, dropping .25 every two weeks.  I would sometimes wait a couple weeks to do the next drop depending on how I was feeling.  I weaned off of the two milligrams a day over a year period and finally stopped them in early December..  it has now been almost two full months without benzodiazapines.

 

I am struggling.  Please excuse me if my thoughts are all over the place as I cannot organize them.  My brain is chaotic at the moment and I am scared.  I am here because I don't know where else to turn.  I am here for support from others who have done this themselves.  I have the hardest mornings ever as I wake up everyday and have attacks where I feel hopeless for hours.  If I sit in bed and let my thoughts wander, my thoughts get so negative and bad that I start to vomit, for hours and days..and continue to have panic attacks..  At this point, I don't where else to turn.  I suffer from such strong depression and negative thoughts.  I am unsure is this is just my seasonal depression or my brain re-adjusting from the klonopin. The anxiety has gone down a tiny bit but the depression is stronger than ever.  For some reason, I cannot convince myself it is the drug.. When I have one of these attacks, I dissect all situations and recently realized I have been depressed even before I started the benzos, which makes me think this is not withdrawal related. 

 

I am not sure how to continue on as I never felt so low.  I try to get out and enjoy life, but I am followed by these negative thoughts and constantly have a black cloud over my head. I have been smoking a lot of pot, as it can settle my wandering/tunnel vision thoughts I get in the morning.  I have been smoking for 14 years.  I know self medicating is not the thing to do but I have to take one step at a time and tackle the benzo use at the moment. 

 

I am hoping this site can help me as I will feel better hearing from people in similar situations.  It's a lonely ride. 

 

Thanks for letting me be apart of this site!

 

[[me...]]

Welcome to the forum!  We're glad to have you as a new member.  At two months off, it's early days yet, and unfortunately, the symptoms you are having are normal at this point.  Quitting benzos can cause a rebound effect, both physically and mentally, where pre-existing conditions can flare up for awhile.  However, this is temporary and will get better in time.  From experience, I can tell you that it's important to learn how to distract yourself from obsessing about symptoms.  I distracted myself relentlessly from my intrusive thoughts during the first few months off.  Use whatever gets your mind out of the negative loop for a while, and when that stops working, switch to another distraction.  Keep doing this and it will become automatic.

 

You'll find plenty of information and support here.  Our members have gone through all aspects of withdrawal, and you're likely to see  people who understand what you're going through and can tell you what has worked for them.  For those who are currently tapering, we suggest reducing no faster than 5-10% every 10-14 days, and some taper even slower than that.  One exception: very short-term users of a few weeks or less may be able to taper faster than that.  Having some withdrawal symptoms is normal, especially near the end of a taper and for a month or so after discontinuing the medication.  The most common symptoms are anxiety and insomnia, but these are temporary and will go away in time.

 

Here are a few links you may find useful:

 

Post Withdrawal Support Board

 

The Ashton Manual is an authoritative source on what to expect in withdrawal and recovery.  Dr. Ashton is an expert in the field.  She describes and explains withdrawal symptoms in Chapter III, and there is also a section with withdrawal/taper schedules.

 

Please take the time to Create a Signature.  This will allow others to see where you are in the process so they can better support you.

 

Again, welcome!