Lack of Windows

[[Bh...]]

Throughout this whole recovery process, I've only had 3 true windows. One lasted two days last Easter. Another was 3 days for Father's Day. The last one was for one day in September.

 

Mind you I always tend to get partial windows later on in the day. But lately, my anxiety (much less) has been taken over by this depression that doesn't lift until dinner (6/7pm). It's the worst depression I've ever experienced in my life (can't get myself going/moving/happy/just plain miserable). It's usually accompanied with these wonderful massively sore upper back muscles. 

 

I feel like I'm going backwards and am a bit concerned. I'm 14 months out of a cold turkey, what do you think?

[[do...]]

No. You're not going backward. I can relate to everything you said.

 

I've not had a 2 or 3 day window yet, ever. But, it's undeniable that I'm healing even from the partial windows I get.

 

Just looking at your profile I can see you're healing. We all get these days when we think "am I broken for good?" I had mine about a week ago and some Buddies brought me right out of it.

 

So just be good to yourself and let some time pass. You'll bounce back 

[[er...]]

Hey, I don't exactly know what to think, but I have a theory I'd like to run past you and any other bb's seeing this..

 

I think we all have a certain amount of suffering to do, as a result of using benzos long term.  Someone on BB once wrote "taking benzos for anxiety is like borrowing money from the mob.."

 

For example, although you are 14 months out from your last benzo, you did a "cold turkey".  So, in total, (besides the suffering you experienced while on the benzo) you have 14 months in this game.

 

I have only 10.75 months out from my last benzo, but I tapered over 7 grueling months.  So, in total, (besides the suffering I experienced while on the benzo), I have about 17.75 months in this action.

 

So, I don't really know what the heck I'm trying to say, but maybe, due to the cold turkey, 14 months out isn't as far as it might seem?  Or, maybe I'm being a total idiot, I really don't know?  ???

 

I think I'm having somewhat of a similar experience regarding the windows.. I don't know if I've put together any real solid full days of being in a window?  It seems to be mini waves and windows during any given day.  Sometimes I feel somewhat clear headed in the mid morning, dumb as a stump in the afternoon, and more even keeled in the evenings, (after my workout).

 

I'm sorry about the depression.  Sometimes, having the discipline to make short, (but different) "gratitude lists" every day can help lift us up.

 

My back muscles have cleared up officially, so that should probably pass for you soon as well.  I am not having much "joy" in my life right now, but I think a lot of that has to do with the bad relationship I'm in, that I don't want to be in anymore! : )

 

Hang Tough Bhealthy!

 

Eric

[[Da...]]

I've not had many true 'windows' tbh either. Sometimes my sxs get better around midday, but I still don't do anything other than lay on the sofa because moving brings it all on ten times worse. It's pretty much 24/7 torture for me. Physically anyway. I don't seem to have sxs like severe panic or anxiety, but I am depressed as a result of being so sick physically. All my sxs are physical, my brain seems to be doing ok but my body has obviously been severely damaged by my reckless behaviour. I wonder if my lack of psych sxs is due to the type of Benzo I was using?. Could there be some difference in the way different Benzos impact our body and brain?.

[[Bh...]]

Donnieogik,

Thanks for your reply. You are right, we both are healing. It's so hard sometimes. We literally feel like we are going backwards. I'll keep fighting and pushing through. Thanks for believing in me. 

 

Eric12769,

I'd have to say I agree with you about the time game. You have been suffering and recovering for 17 & 3/4 months at this point. I've only been at it for 14 months. Our brains are only capable of healing so much at one time. The fact that I'm working full time, and attempting to run a household (no kids yet...can you imagine? YIKES!) is making me heal at a slower rate. The stress factor plays a big part of this healing game. I know I'd be pretty darn close to healed if I could stay home and focus just on recovering. My house would be completely remodeled and spotless! lol Don't get me wrong, it's clean, but not quite where I want it.

 

I think this is where my depression takes over...I'm starting to get back the desire to do things...which is amazing....I want to paint, decorate, plant flowers, landscape my house, run half marathons, make dinners, bake, grade all of my students work, come up with new activities for my students, and yet I'm still limited. I can't accomplish it all. I'm slowly getting there. Little by little I feel the veil is lifting. I'm currently working on about half of the things I listed. When I'm healed, the sky will be my limit. I can't wait for the chains to be off!!

 

Gratitude lists do work. I make them in my head, but I think it's a good idea to write them on paper. What's cool is I can feel the depression lifting when I think positively. It also goes away when I keep moving/doing things....then when I stop it comes back. So I just keep going...accomplishing things on my list. It feels fabulous!!!!! Thank you for your words of optimism. 

 

DannyApple,

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one that doesn't get true windows very often. I worry sometimes that this means I'm not healing. Even though, I know I am. We all are! I do believe that different benzos cause various physical/emotional symptoms. Xanax has a tendancy to trigger crazy mental symptoms. Clearly yours triggers physical ones. Either way, we will heal. Thank you. 

 

Bhealthy

[[pe...]]

I always have the worst timein the morning which I think mimics coming off the xanax for insomnia. The good news is that as i sleep better (Im 9 weeks out) the morning "downers" lift faster. Last week I only had two bad days -- Sunday from 12 am -12 pm and then it lifted and I went out to a great day. Then on Thursday I was down ( it was very dark here and no sun) for 6 hours and I told my husband I thought I was going into a depression but after we talked and I slept a little - then it lifted again.

Several good days now and I'm still muscle tired and shaky but constantly doing deep breathing which helps so much.

Xanax blunted my fears and now they are less and I can go to sleep without freaking out -- if only for a few hours. This is a great success.

The original reason I was on xanax was fear and insomnia based anxiety -- these are less but still there.

Good luck.

pearlgirl

[[Bh...]]

Thanks Pearlgirl! I agree with you...the anxiety is way less now that we are off the benzos. I feel like the trick is to keep busy and not pay attention to the depression/anxiety. If we keep moving and keep to a regular sleep schedule, our bodies will heal faster. Thank goodness! 

Bhealthy

[[ed...]]

BHealthy

 

I don't know about windows.  What I know for sure is that my condition worsened.  I am exhausted like never before in the process.  I feel like having been hit by a truck.  That electricity throughout my body and that heaviness.  The upper part of my back and my ribs hurt so  bad I don't know what to do anymore. Pain is also present in my whole body.  I now have to reduce my activities.  I also feel depressed.  But I think this is a normal condition that is aligned to my physical condition !  Unless this is the other way around  :idiot:   It doesn't seem like my long taper helped in anyway...

[[Bh...]]

Edou111,

I'm sure that your taper helped you. Your brain was upregulating gaba the whole time. Even though you don't feel like it was doing anything...it was!!

 

I'm thinking that after the one year mark...we hit this nasty uptic in symptoms for a few months and then it improves from there. I do remember reading about this amongst other benzobuddies. I think they mentioned at the 18-20 month point things really start to improve. I sure hope so!! This can't be my new normal.....otherwise I am going to need new meds! I don't want to, but if things don't improve by the summer, I'm going to have introduce something.

Bhealthy

[[ed...]]

Let's pray for month 18 !  Regarding meds and as far as I am concerned, I tried many AD and other antipsychotic meds that are not mentioned in my signature.  They never helped.  Mind you, it was before withdrawing.  But i would certainly go back on any of them.

 

I am currently on Luvox and doesn't prove to help !  I hope time is the true healer !  That would be so much simpler.

 

Edou