I could really use some friendly advice and support

[[sn...]]

I don't know where to begin because my story is a mash-up, blur of a story to begin with and I don't want to drone on and on to bore anyone. Yet I feel that this is the only place I can come to feel safe, without judgment and vent while being heard.

 

The nutshell of it: I was diagnosed with severe panic disorder with and without agoraphobia and major depression by the time I was a teenager. (I'm 47 now) .... Over the course of my lifetime, i tried many anti-depressants but I am very sensitive to side effects and most made me feel worse so at some point in my life i was introduced to benzos.. xanax mainly. I used it only when needed. Maybe 3 times weekly. And eventually I would experience MAJOR panic attacks in between the days I was not taking my xanax. Never knowing WHY. Then after months, or years of doing that, a new doctor would take me off of the as needed xanax, and switch me to klonopin or ativan because they are longer acting. With little relief of my severe anxiety, I went YEARS without anything to stabilize my anxiety. Unless you count the 5 years in my early 20's when I dated a guitarist and drank almost nightly at his gigs. .. Flash forward to 2003, diagnosed with diabetes. Completely, stopped my drinking. Scared I would die from lactic acidosis if i mixed my diabetic meds with alcohol. Developed hypochondria after the passing of several loved ones. Xanax, once again as needed. ... See a pattern? .. I had this on again-off again relationship with this rescue drug (from Hades itself) over my lifetime. Never knowing much at all about it except that it "worked" for me. It kept me out of the ER whenever I was convinced I was dying (due to hypochondria) ..... It has always been the one drug that calmed me down and kept me from calling 9.1.1. for help.

 

Then I could not find a doctor to prescribe it. This is after a few years of moving (ex-military wife) ... Finally, in October 2015, my heart doc wrote me a script for xanax ... .5 mg up to 4 times a day. WHAT!! ...I was still naive, yet even I knew that was WAY too much. I never went past 1mg per day. For some reason, desperate NOT to get addicted to it .. I would switch off and take one xanax say on a monday, then Tuesday I took ativan, and so on. This roller coaster I was creating, I had no idea what I was doing.. or what it was doing to me. In February 2016, I accidently skipped two days of ANYTHING. That was a Friday. By Sunday evening, I was at Applebees with my boyfriend in crying fits. I felt suicidal which is VERY touching of a subject for me having lost my ex husband to suicide, I was the most anti suicide person I knew!! ...

 

I reached out on FB and joined a group and came here and the advice given was TAKE SOMETHING NOW !!!! ... thank God I listened. I learned a lot that evening and learned that I needed to pick one benzo instead of juggling the two which was making my situation so much worse. That night I made my choice.. xanax. Skipping days led to breakthrough and severe panic attacks so I kept it at .05mg once a day.

 

that only lasted a few months. again, I go to the doctor stating that I am too tired and scared of the horror stories surrounding xanax. So he says give klonopin another try. ... 2 months. Nothing. It was like taking Advil. So ... I read about the Ashton Manual ... and how Valium can be substituted for another benzo, stabilized time period, then tapering may be easier to do .. plus it is longer acting. Hmm. Sounds like a way I can eventually beat this benzo hell and Valium with its higher doses being equal to smaller doses, it will allow for a possible smoother transition. Well............................... first week. Me: wow, this is a nice pleasant drug. second week: Me: I am going to pick fights with random strangers for shits and giggles. (um, ok you would have to know me to realize THIS was not me) In fact I never ever even had a fist fight, slap fight, nothing. But Valium made me angry, miserable, and the personality change was profound. So profound that I checked myself into the ER for it. Bad move that was. Luckily, my boyfriend works at the hospital. I was taken to the psych ward.. because I repeated a statement I made in a fit of anger and they twisted it and lo and behold, there I was .. Thankfully, the happy ending to that was that the assessor explained to me that I was experiencing paradoxical effects from Valium that can cause aggression and hostile behavior in some people. Needless to say, my doctor scrapped that ASAP and it was back to the xanax for me. It took a full month for the Valium and its nasty effects to vacate my body. For the past month and a half now its been just xanax in 5  quarter pieces to equal 1.25 mg per day. taking 5 pieces is not easy to me AT ALL. Sometimes I skip or forget a piece or two and double up etc. So now the questions/advice ...

 

I was told that a person should take several smaller doses through the day of xanax because it is so short acting. Hence the 5 times a day deal. But I am a zombie. I have zero energy. I force myself to shower, I don't really care about my hair, makeup, etc. I literally compare myself to a slug .. just slowly slithering IF and when I have the strength to do so. I am lazy, but it is much more than that. The brain fog, confusion, forgetfulness is awful. No motivation, drive, or energy to do ..well, just about anything. I start feeling like I am dying. But my family keeps assuring me that I am probably the most up to date and tested person they ever met! I have my blood work tested at least once a month. had brain Mri's and ct scans. Cardiac workups, sleep apnea testing, etc etc. Yet I feel like .. what can possibly make me feel so helpless, useless, exhausted, and dependent on others to care for me??? .. is it the xanax? the depression? ... just laziness? ... or a mystery illness the doctors haven't found yet .. I need help and advice for my sanity. Has anyone gone through this situation?

[[tw...]]

Goodness, it sounds like you've been through a lot! Hopefully you'll find support & good info here on BB!