My Story

[[Ka...]]

Hello,

 

I have been referring to this site as a guest for support for many months, decided today to share my story.

 

I have been Benzo free for nearly eight months, and hoping my experiences might provide some comfort and encouragements for others struggling with their dependence.

 

I started taking Lorazepam (1 mg) perhaps 20 years ago for anxiety related to cardiac arrhythmia, on a largely prophylactic basis, with no adverse side effects for a decade.  After a job loss and related panic attacks, I started taking 1 or 2 pills a day on a habitual basis.  Eventually this escalated up to 3 mg per day, addressing anxiety involved with frequent international travel, and other life stressors, including an anxious and depressed child.

 

I developed concerns about side effects several years ago, including apnea, but continued use, and drank alcohol on a daily basis.  Eventually, particularly after I learned more about the severe long term side effects of benzos, I tried to taper my dose.  About two years ago, I was able to stop cold turkey for two or three weeks.  Of course, I suffered "rebound" moderate anxiety and restarted 1 mg a day, based on a "quality of life" justification.  About a year ago, my side effect became more pronounced: skin problems, memory problems, cognitive (very poor executive function; confused thoughts; etc.) problems, muscle and joint stiffness and pain, among many others.

 

So I tried to taper again, with a lot of conviction.  My psychiatrist would not assist ("too dangerous, risk of seizure"), so I tried my best to cut my pills and was able to reduce to 0.75 mg per day (3 x 0.25 mg).  Not surprisingly, my anxiety shot back to the moderate/severe range.

 

With my performance at work suffering, and my mental state approaching psychotic, I knew I needed professional help to taper.  With the help of my wife and elderly parents, I took two months to check into the Farley Center in Williamsburg, VA.  They put me on Librium (longer acting benzo) and tapered me to zero in about two weeks.  I went through hell - severe and unrelenting anxiety, terrible rapid mood swings, and semi-schizophrenic psychosis.  Anyway, after two months of excellent care, I returned home, and have not taken benzos since.

 

Over the past eight months, I have had numerous PAWS symptoms.  The worst has been joint and muscle aches.  But on a weekly basis, more and more of my "old" self (how I self conceive) has returned - emotional awareness, joy of music, self-confidence and a self of agency, feelings of well-being, and most importantly, hope.

 

I still have recovery work in front of me.  Exercising more, connecting with people, rebuilding family and friend relationships.  Eating well at every opportunity.  Committing myself to service.

 

My hope in sharing this experience is to provide a tiny bit of optimism and hope for those who continue to struggle with benzos and their often adverse impact.  If any of my story resonates, please feel free to reach out.

 

Peace,

 

Katalyst

 

 

edit: username from title

[[pi...]]

Hello Katalyst,

 

Welcome to Benzo Buddies and congratulations on being benzo free.  Yes, you discovered what many of us did, that taking benzos long term is non sustainable and the problems caused trump the beneficial effects felt at the start. You did it a tough way, detox can be very difficult and is basically a cold turkey. I'm glad you received good care and I'm thrilled that you are seeing the real you emerge after being buried under a haze of drugs.

 

We look forward to your contributions and offers of hope to our members. 

 

I'm going to give you a link to the Ashton Manual. Although it discusses tapering in detail, you'll also find good information on the withdrawal process in general. The manual was written by Dr. Heather Ashton, an expert in the field.

 

I'll also give you a link to the Post Withdrawal Recovery Board where you can post and receive feedback from members.

 

I'm sure many members will be able to relate to your story. I myself tried unsuccessfully to taper a couple of times and also went through a pretty horrible cold turkey. It was required for a medical test.

 

I'm glad you've joined, you'll receive a lot of encouragement as you continue the recovery process. Please feel free to ask questions, we're here to help.

 

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support 

 

The Ashton Manual

 

pianogirl