4 months out and very fed up

[[Da...]]

Well I'm 4 months out from jumping and I am miserable. I will spare you all the long drawl of all the details, if you're interested in all my sxs just read my other posts. I'm suffering severe malaise and lethargy that never, ever let up. I now spend a good 98% of the time laying down, I'm more or less what you'd call 'bedridden' now. I am also battling, among other things, a severe craving for Benzos, 24/7, all the time. I even have extremely vivid dreams about finding large quantities of them and gulping down handfuls. I am now asleep so much now I have several of these dreams in 24 hours, and wake up feeling very frustrated.

 

Why did nobody tell me my life would be over once I stopped using Benzos?. Surely, among several doctors and an agency that is supposed to help people with addictions and WD (they did the total opposite of help me), someone must have known what was in store for me?. Am I right to think maybe they did know but chose not to tell me out of fear I may not stop and they wouldn't be able to put me down as a glowing success story on their target sheets?. I was lied to, told Benzo WD sxs were 'rare' and only happen to people who do an abrupt CT and/or mix them with alcohol.

 

I was falsely led to make plans for my future, told that getting the dog I wanted would be a 'great idea'. I am so upset about that, not so much because I don't have one yet, but imagine if I had seen a dog I liked and gone out and got a dog, only to become too sick to take care of him/her?. I shudder at that thought, as once any living creature comes into my care, whether it be a mouse or a dog, it stays with me for it's entire lifespan. I can't even take proper care of myself right now, let alone a creature as demanding as a dog, it's a huge responsibility, and one I am more than willing to commit to once I know I will be able to do so. The people who told me to go and get a dog are now thinking I must be back on Benzos because I don't have the dog yet!!!. I can't win.

 

I will be like this forever, please don't tell me otherwise. I've had enough. 

[[Da...]]

Dappleapple you are caught up in the depression that goes with this. It is definitely the hardest thing I have done in my life. Believing we will never get better is part of it too, we all feel like there is something going on with us that other people here do not get, it is part of the chemical changes it does to our brain. I am going on 14 months and I still believe it all the time too. People who are not going through this don't get it, and they are quick to believe that we are back on benzos. That is one of the reasons I have chosen to isolate myself from everybody. With me they were used to seeing me being successful and working and now they just don't get why I don't work, they don't get I have the brain of a 2 year old. Take care of yourself things will get better, whether you want to hear it or not.

[[Da...]]

I forgot to mention I have had a dog all the way though this and she is still alive and kicking. She is my best friend she never judges me. I don't know where I would be today without her. I know you are thinking I must not have had it as bad as you if I can care for a dog, we all believe we have it worst then everybody else, but I know that shit is not true. I'm lazy as hell and I was not walking her and she would go by the door and try to signal me to walk her. I hired the little girl next door to walk her when she walks her dog twice a day, my dog is so happy now.

[[Tw...]]

Just an observation but you've come off benzos quite fast it seems and to me that would be close to the equivalent of a C/T. From everyone I've known to taper really fast or C/T, they tend to have protracted withdrawal a bit longer. I often read the 5-7 month period is when a lot of folks tend to notice positive change. I hope you can hold on and continue to be strong. Time is a son of a bitch and I hate knowing it's our main tool for recovery but seems to be tried and true.

[[Da...]]

I was lied to and mislead by the addiction agency, told I wouldn't have any WD sxs, that they were mainly for people who mix Benzos with alcohol. They also said Benzos were a lot less dangerous to stop than alcohol. I really don't think they know wtf they're talking about. I dunno if there's much point in being angry, but I am anyway. I still have to keep seeing them about the Subutex, it's very degrading and does nothing for my current state. I also don't know why they see my WD sxs as signs of me continuing to 'abuse drugs' either.

 

I will get the dog, just not yet, I can't get out of the house right now. Hopefully around February time we're thinking anyway. I feel a tiny bit better for spending the entire afternoon asleep, heh. Not much of a life, not even a fraction of what I know it could be.

[[Da...]]

I am depressed yes, but I consider it to be a direct result of being so unwell physically and not being able to do the things I enjoy. Most people with any kind of prolonged physical illness will get depressed, but most know when their illness will end. The worst part of this is not knowing when that end will be. I was forced to reduce too fast by the addiction agency who lied to me and threatened to stop my Subutex if I did not stop ASAP. I am angry about that too, I wish I'd known about this before I stopped, I would have told them where to go and took the GP surgery on for proper medical assistance in stopping the Benzos, specially as my dose was so high by the time I began to come off. I'm not usually someone who allows themselves to be pushed around like that, so I am also very angry at myself. I am mad at myself for not being aware of what was going to happen to me if I stopped the Benzos too quickly, and mad at myself for giving in so easily.

[[Tw...]]

Trust me I'm mad at myself, these doctors, these drugs. We are victims and its unfortunate to say the least but I have found that acceptance has been a crucial tool for me. If we weren't naturally depressed to some degree from all of this suffering then yeah, Id mark us all legit crazy. I was put on them at a very young age and never told anything besides they can be addicting and don't just stop taking them. I lost my wife, 10 years of my life and a part of my soul that I don't think can ever be filled again. I'm 29 years old and this is my second go around coming off from long term use and my last. The second time is much worse than the first for me but doable. One day we'll get our lives back and btw my dog has been my saving grace through this all. When you can adopt one, please do! 

[[Da...]]

Trust me I'm mad at myself, these doctors, these drugs. We are victims and its unfortunate to say the least but I have found that acceptance has been a crucial tool for me. If we weren't naturally depressed to some degree from all of this suffering then yeah, Id mark us all legit crazy. I was put on them at a very young age and never told anything besides they can be addicting and don't just stop taking them. I lost my wife, 10 years of my life and a part of my soul that I don't think can ever be filled again. I'm 29 years old and this is my second go around coming off from long term use and my last. The second time is much worse than the first for me but doable. One day we'll get our lives back and btw my dog has been my saving grace through this all. When you can adopt one, please do!

 

Thanks. I am so getting a dog, never been more determined than I am right now. I feel a few percent better today, still like I am in the tail end of really bad flu, still can't move or sit up but at least I don't feel like I'm dying. I wonder if this 'wave' was related to my period because I had huge issues around that before I even touched any drugs. I also think I did too much, and I seem to be intolerant to any kind of movement. I just got very frustrated and forced myself to get up, which I think made me feel worse. On the days I don't move around much, I start feeling better, then a day comes when I have to go out and I'm back to square one. It's a vicious circle. Ideally I'd prefer not to move around much at all till this is over. I've pretty much lost all desire to move and do things because they make me feel so unwell. I feel ok if I am laying down, but I get SO fed up, it's not much of a life is it.

[[Tw...]]

Trust me I'm mad at myself, these doctors, these drugs. We are victims and its unfortunate to say the least but I have found that acceptance has been a crucial tool for me. If we weren't naturally depressed to some degree from all of this suffering then yeah, Id mark us all legit crazy. I was put on them at a very young age and never told anything besides they can be addicting and don't just stop taking them. I lost my wife, 10 years of my life and a part of my soul that I don't think can ever be filled again. I'm 29 years old and this is my second go around coming off from long term use and my last. The second time is much worse than the first for me but doable. One day we'll get our lives back and btw my dog has been my saving grace through this all. When you can adopt one, please do!

 

Thanks. I am so getting a dog, never been more determined than I am right now. I feel a few percent better today, still like I am in the tail end of really bad flu, still can't move or sit up but at least I don't feel like I'm dying. I wonder if this 'wave' was related to my period because I had huge issues around that before I even touched any drugs. I also think I did too much, and I seem to be intolerant to any kind of movement. I just got very frustrated and forced myself to get up, which I think made me feel worse. On the days I don't move around much, I start feeling better, then a day comes when I have to go out and I'm back to square one. It's a vicious circle. Ideally I'd prefer not to move around much at all till this is over. I've pretty much lost all desire to move and do things because they make me feel so unwell. I feel ok if I am laying down, but I get SO fed up, it's not much of a life is it.

 

I know moving around may not be the best right now but don't write it off completely. Exercise of any kind is a really good thing for healing too. Start light and work your way up when you can. That dogs going to need some serious walk and play time when you get one!

[[lo...]]

hey Dapple, are you still on anything? when I jumped, depression hit me hard and I started a supplement regime. all my depression lifted but then converted into more anxiety. so it is a fine line between depression and what it seems the opposite anxiety. I believe you can do a lot for your mood, doing good nutrition etc. omega3, probiotics, etc. I would research and give a shot.

I'm not healed by any means at 2 months, but I am very energized during the day, which keeps me going and distracted. I rather deal with being a bit revved from supplements then depressed. if you want I can PM you a list of stuff I take