Might lose everything..

[[jw...]]

Hello. I've never posted but have been obsessively reading here for approx five months. I am a little over eight months off of 3mg clonazepam daily for a year, 6mg Xanax for five years prior to that. I basically quit cold turkey, an ER dr had me "taper" over five days. I thought I was one of the "lucky" ones, yes the first 3-4 months were absolutely terrifying, but I was able to do some things I have noticed many people weren't/aren't able to do so early off, I went camping, went to two music festivals (for my husband's job), was able to go for walks, but everything else suffered- especially my home and my  beautiful yard died. I knew things would be rough, but I thought I'd be one to heal faster, only from a lot of other people's stories I read, I didn't think I was THAT bad. I have definitely been proven wrong. Things are worse than ever and I now understand how some people have lost everything in this situation. I haven't had a very rough time with physical symptoms, the tinnitus is the worst, some muscle weakness, lower back pain and head pressure. I could honestly live with these things forever, it's the mental stuff that is becoming relentless for me. My memory, major depression, my emotions, my self doubt, confusion, major fatigue and motivation problems, etc. etc.. it is taking a toll on everything, my relationship with my husband and kids, financial situations, I still can't get a hold on keeping up with housework- I feel so frustrated and overwhelmed. I do as much as I can, some days I seem to get manic and can get a lot done, but most days I just end up thinking about everything I need to do. I feel like I am on my way to losing it all and I feel stuck not knowing how to fix everything. My husband was very supportive in the beginning, especially considering I lost my mind while I was on clonazepam and did some awful, out of character things. But as the last eight months have gone on his support has become less and less. Our lives became very stressful, he is trying hard to get his business back up from a very terrible year and working a second job four days a week, he resents me for not being able to work, I haven't worked since my seven year old daughter was two, and he wants me to go back now during the worst time in my life. He told me life doesn't stop because I don't feel good and I have to be responsible and help our family. So, I'm looking for a job, but am so scared because a lot of days it takes everything in me just to pick out clothes, feed and take care of my little ones and not get worn out just drying my hair. How will I work in such a confused, down and tired state of mind? The worst thing is he feels like I don't love him anymore, and that is the furthest from the truth. I am just having a very hard time showing and feeling emotion. I know it will (eventually) get better, but I might not have the time to save my marriage. How does one prepare to lose everything in this situation?

[[fi...]]

I can certainly relate to what you are going through.  I have experienced most of your symptoms but I have seen a good amount of improvement over the last month.  I am now over 16 months off.

[[Da...]]

I can totally relate to everything you are saying. I lost my business and my 12 year live in relationship with my GF, we broke up and she moved out 60 days into my WD. Her big complaint and problem was that I was not working. Now I'm 13 months out and I am unable to work. My mind is so screwed up I have no memory and no concentration. People who are not going through this don't understand. A lot of times they mean well they have never heard of it and we seem ok to them. We walk and talk and seem ok. They don't know what is really doing on below the surface. They don't see the cognitive issues and all the anxiety and pain we have. The only choice you have is to wait it out and do what you can until you get better. I really things work out for you.

[[re...]]

I so feel for you in this situation.  We are stuck in a body and mind bending journey that seems endless and bleak.  But it is not.  Eventually, maybe today, tomorrow, next week we will heal.  The things we did before, that we now think impossible, will be there again.  And, yes, the fear we feel, that endless fight or flight anxiety, will pass too.  The trick is life and dealing with it as we go through all this pain and anguish.  Unfortunately, quite a few of us go through tremendous upheaval in our lives during withdrawal.  We are faced with issues and situations that would tax a normal person on their best of days.  To top that off, many of the people around us, while they have the best of intentions, are unable to truly understand what we are going through. The questions they have are not easy to answer.  Why can't we move?  Why are we in terror?  Why can't we work?  Why can't we feel emotions like we used to?  Why are we depressed?  Why are we in bed all day? I have no answer except to point to withdrawal.  And to the rest of the world, withdrawal doesn't take this long...so it must be our fault.  And there's the most important point.  This is not our fault.  None of us asked for this.  We can't change the fact that we took these drugs, but we can stop beating ourselves up for something that is entirely out of our control. 

[[jw...]]

Thank you for the replies. Having replies and understanding makes me feel not so alone. I don't want to say better because I hate that any of you are going through this too. But not so alone IS better. I've read so much on here and felt everyone's pain, it comes through so easily to me. That's probably why it's so frustrating not to have the people you want so badly to understand, not understand.

[[Fi...]]

I so feel for you in this situation.  We are stuck in a body and mind bending journey that seems endless and bleak.  But it is not.  Eventually, maybe today, tomorrow, next week we will heal.  The things we did before, that we now think impossible, will be there again.  And, yes, the fear we feel, that endless fight or flight anxiety, will pass too.  The trick is life and dealing with it as we go through all this pain and anguish.  Unfortunately, quite a few of us go through tremendous upheaval in our lives during withdrawal.  We are faced with issues and situations that would tax a normal person on their best of days.  To top that off, many of the people around us, while they have the best of intentions, are unable to truly understand what we are going through. The questions they have are not easy to answer.  Why can't we move?  Why are we in terror?  Why can't we work?  Why can't we feel emotions like we used to?  Why are we depressed?  Why are we in bed all day? I have no answer except to point to withdrawal.  And to the rest of the world, withdrawal doesn't take this long...so it must be our fault.  And there's the most important point.  This is not our fault.  None of us asked for this.  We can't change the fact that we took these drugs, but we can stop beating ourselves up for something that is entirely out of our control.

 

 

Very well put Redoing.

 

 

Many thanks 

[[Tr...]]

Sorry you're going through this. If you can afford it you should probably see a doctor. Some people are against it but you may benefit from taking an anti-depressant. If you're suffering from major depression to the point where you are finding day-to-day task to be overwhelming you really need some relief. SSRIs can help.

[[Fo...]]

I agree with Travis. I tapered off of Lexapro 6 months after my Clonazepam taper. A month later I was in a major depressive state, insomnia and anxiety. I was put on Trintellix and am getting better. I believe our CNS is very sensitive long after the last benzo dose.

[[ed...]]

I haven't had a very rough time with physical symptoms, the tinnitus is the worst, some muscle weakness, lower back pain and head pressure. I could honestly live with these things forever, it's the mental stuff that is becoming relentless for me. My memory, major depression, my emotions, my self doubt, confusion, major fatigue and motivation problems, etc. etc.. it is taking a toll on everything, my relationship with my husband and kids, financial situations, I still can't get a hold on keeping up with housework- I feel so frustrated and overwhelmed. I do as much as I can, some days I seem to get manic and can get a lot done, but most days I just end up thinking about everything I need to do.

It takes everything in me just to pick out clothes, feed and take care of my little ones and not get worn out just drying my hair. How will I work in such a confused, down and tired state of mind? I am just having a very hard time showing and feeling emotion.

 

 

Dear JWRocks.  I can relate so much to how you are feeling right now.  All symptoms you describe are part of my everyday life.  I did not  cold turkey but doesn't seem to make a difference.  I ca't tell how you  can prepare for what might not happen.  We are never preapred anyway for such events.  I am lucky being financially independant.  Nonetheless, I have no clue how I would get my life back if my husband were to leave.  He is the joy of my everyday life.

 

Motivation issues has all to do with benzo.  I have to plan ahead for my hair and other girly things when I work out from home or see friend.  It has become so demanding ! i get how you feel. 

 

I am so tired but at least no one is pressuring me.    Hope you can convince him to go easy on you.

 

Edou

 

[[pu...]]

Hello. I've never posted but have been obsessively reading here for approx five months. I am a little over eight months off of 3mg clonazepam daily for a year, 6mg Xanax for five years prior to that. I basically quit cold turkey, an ER dr had me "taper" over five days. I thought I was one of the "lucky" ones, yes the first 3-4 months were absolutely terrifying, but I was able to do some things I have noticed many people weren't/aren't able to do so early off, I went camping, went to two music festivals (for my husband's job), was able to go for walks, but everything else suffered- especially my home and my  beautiful yard died. I knew things would be rough, but I thought I'd be one to heal faster, only from a lot of other people's stories I read, I didn't think I was THAT bad. I have definitely been proven wrong. Things are worse than ever and I now understand how some people have lost everything in this situation. I haven't had a very rough time with physical symptoms, the tinnitus is the worst, some muscle weakness, lower back pain and head pressure. I could honestly live with these things forever, it's the mental stuff that is becoming relentless for me. My memory, major depression, my emotions, my self doubt, confusion, major fatigue and motivation problems, etc. etc.. it is taking a toll on everything, my relationship with my husband and kids, financial situations, I still can't get a hold on keeping up with housework- I feel so frustrated and overwhelmed. I do as much as I can, some days I seem to get manic and can get a lot done, but most days I just end up thinking about everything I need to do. I feel like I am on my way to losing it all and I feel stuck not knowing how to fix everything. My husband was very supportive in the beginning, especially considering I lost my mind while I was on clonazepam and did some awful, out of character things. But as the last eight months have gone on his support has become less and less. Our lives became very stressful, he is trying hard to get his business back up from a very terrible year and working a second job four days a week, he resents me for not being able to work, I haven't worked since my seven year old daughter was two, and he wants me to go back now during the worst time in my life. He told me life doesn't stop because I don't feel good and I have to be responsible and help our family. So, I'm looking for a job, but am so scared because a lot of days it takes everything in me just to pick out clothes, feed and take care of my little ones and not get worn out just drying my hair. How will I work in such a confused, down and tired state of mind? The worst thing is he feels like I don't love him anymore, and that is the furthest from the truth. I am just having a very hard time showing and feeling emotion. I know it will (eventually) get better, but I might not have the time to save my marriage. How does one prepare to lose everything in this situation?

 

 

You're *not* going to lose everything because love is in your heart. Prepare for things to *get better*.

 

If you keep working as hard as you are now, when you start to feel better, things will be amazing.

 

Reassure your husband that you are trying as hard as you can and that things will get better and that you

love him unconditionally.

 

It all will work out! <3