Clonazepam Ruined so far 1.5 years of my life

[[Le...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Just want to get my story out there i am only now in the past couple of months realizing what has been going on with me and why I have had chronic insomnia going on now 1.5 years. I have suffered from insomnia in the past but never as bad as it has been during this stretch. I feel like I have been going through hell. I have had 3 instances of not being able to sleep a wink for days at a time. The first being 8 days with 0 hours sleep, the next 7 days and finally the roughest stretch it felt like 3 weeks of nothing other than this weird sensation of being both awake and in a dream.....

 

The last time I had slept healthy was in the summer of 2015(Best summer of my life) prior to that I had had insomnia after having come off of Celexa( citalopram) it lasted 6 months I also developed rebound depression which probably perpetuated my insomnia, I would visit medi centers from time to time and get different sorts of sleeping pills typically clonazepam or if the doctor would not prescribe me that zopliclone which is basically a benzodiazepine itself.

 

Anyways due to anxiety from my stressful job, the depression I was feeling and insomnia I ended up on medical leave from work for 6 weeks during this time I  started to recover through use of Psilocybin mushrooms as well as exercising and eating right and getting a lot of sunshine, the mushrooms actually worked far better as an anti depressant than celexa ever did after a while I just started not taking my sleeping pills and just taking ashwhaghanda for a couple of weeks and then my natural sleep returned I felt better than I had in years, I felt so alive and happy and my energy was contagious I noticed people wanting to get to know me woman took more interest in me and I ended finding myself a girl if only for a short period.

 

Then things started to not go so well once I went back to my stressful job broke up with my girlfriend a couple months later and my sleep started to suffer I then went to the medical center and asked for clonazepam to help me sleep as I knew it had worked in the past when I had anxiety and sleep problems years ago only problem was they didn't explain any sort of method for how often to take or how to taper off of it. This was about October of 2015 my depression was getting worse on it and unfortunately for me benzo's stop psychedelics from working properly . My sleep was improved but didn't feel fully  refreshing I was noticing that 1 x 0.5mg pill wasn't cutting it anymore so upped to 2 x 0.5mg every night after about 4 months of this I had a feeling i was addicted so at christmas time I decided to just quit it cold turkey, I then like an idiot supplemented with alcohol which only kept off the withdrawal if I had had a drink I then of course drank more to compensate for the fact I couldn't sleep without the clonazepam or alcohol. I then started working a new job in February of 2016 after having been let go from my old job for undisclosed reasons( likely my downer energy)  and thats when things got really rough I would not drink during the week when I had to work the next day. I was having severe insomnia only sleeping every other night and that was when I would become exhausted over time this kept getting worse and worse and I would often call in sick due to having not slept. ON the weekend I would sleep if I would drink but obviously this was creating alcohol addiction in itself. After 9 months of this and not understanding what was going on or why my sleep would not return to me I was fired for missing too many days at work, I tried to go on medical leave but they wouldn't allow it so I was on employment insurance and have been ever since, I explained the situation to my doctor and he right away though that a strong anti depressant would bring my sleep back and so was placed on 20mg of Lexapro( Escitalopram) I also was told to start taking clonazepam with it for just a month until it kicked in which I died and my sleep came back I was getting 7 hours roughly per night but after 3 weeks this then started to decline and wasn't working and upped the dose to 3 x 0.5mg of clonazepam again would work and then slowly start to not work. The doctor said ok that's not working just go from 3 for 2 days then 2 for 2 days and then down to 1 and then nothing( (I later realized this was an extreme taper for benzos and my doctor doesn't know anything about tapering correctly)  When this happened my chronic insomnia returned the doctor then had me try amitriptyline at bedtime worked great first night, not so good the 2nd night and then finally back to not sleeping at all. He also tried me on Trazadone....nothing... Doxepin nothing.... .nothing.... Then he has me try some anti pychotic drug serequel or something or other and that made my brain feel like it was being scrambled in a blender...I was feeling like I was some kind of scientific experiment monkey and my doctor truly had not idea how to fix me and it was scaring the shit out of me.

 

I was becoming so frustrated and mentally breaking down and crying due to being so sleep deprived I felt like I was going mad I went to the pych ward twice each time they would give me some more clonazepam. After more months of this back and forth from some sleep with clonazepam to no sleep with 0 it occurred to me one night when I slept over at my moms that I likely was addicted to clonazepam and when I had quit cold turkey it sent my whole body into shock it didn't know how to function without the drug. My doctor clearly didn't know much about clonazepam or how addictive it was or that you need to taper so slowly with it to successfully beat the addiction and feel normal. I realized I would have to take control my of meds and research alternative meds to take to take in the short term to at least give me some sleep while allowing me to get off of clonazepam and help with the severe anxiety and depression I was also suffering I found that Remeron( Mirtazipine) helps a lot with sleep and has less side effects than Lexapro etc and could be taken with clonazepam. I found this forum and tried to inform the doctor of what I thought was causing my insane insomnia and my stretches of not sleeping for days he seemed reluctant to accept it but agreed why not try Remeron. I started to taper off the clonazepam from 2 x 0.5mg per day over a month ago and started at 15mg of Remeron which seemed to make me feel a little more sleepy but I wouldn't actually fall asleep it wasn't until the dose was upped to 30mg that I actually slept for the first time in almost a month just 3-4 hours but that was amazing to me at the time as I was convinced I would never sleep again and might have that Fatal Familial Insomnia or something. I also at this time started to taper off the lexapro everything went great and actually when I was at 5mg of it combined with the 30mg of Remeron I felt the best I had in months but then on the last taper to 0 my system spiralled out of control again for a week no sleep anxiety up the wazoo I also was tapering off the clonazepam the same week cutting a half(0.5mg) pill into half thus reducing the weight by 12.5%, I would get this weird feeling in the back of my skull extreme irritability, emotional crying etc. Just last week things got a little better again and some sleep returned I just worry that the only reason I sleep is due to the clonazepam + mirtazepine combo and once either is subtracted I will return to hell of days upon days of no sleep. I don't know if  12% reduction every two weeks is too much of a taper? I guess I won't know until I do my next one next week which will be a clonazepam only taper as all of the Lexapro is out of my system, I'm so sick of this past year and half I literally haven't been happy at all except for minor glimpses of improvement every couple of months.

 

This journey has been the toughest ordeal of my life even tougher than my divorce complete and utter hell.

 

I am still at this time awaiting to see a sleep specialist just to confirm that I don't have an actual sleep disorder like apnea or other sleep disorder something tells me I'm right though and my issues with depression, insomnia and anxiety stem from becoming dependent on these pills. Unfortunately for me the closest sleep lab is in Vancouver and they can't see me until August 2017....great :/

 

Anyhow I know this has been long winded. In short I vow I will not ever ever ever touch a bottle of this crap again once recovered even if I get insomnia come back as it should subside on it's own without the need of medication or if not I would just smoke some weed or something.  I am looking for you guys support on my journey towards recovery and any tips and tricks you have would be awesome one day at a time...one day at a time I have to keep telling myself.

 

Edit: disallowed content removed

[[me...]]

Welcome to the forum!  We're glad to have you as a new member.  Many members first started taking benzos for insomnia, but in the long run it's really not worth the downside of this medication.

 

You'll find plenty of information and support here.  Our members have gone through all aspects of withdrawal, and you're likely to see  people who understand what you're going through and can tell you what has worked for them.  For those who are currently tapering, we suggest reducing no faster than 5-10% every 10-14 days, and some taper even slower than that.  One exception: very short-term users of a few weeks or less may be able to taper faster than that.  Having some withdrawal symptoms is normal, especially near the end of a taper and for a month or so after discontinuing the medication.  The most common symptoms are anxiety and insomnia, but these are temporary and will go away in time.

 

Here are a few links you may find useful:

 

Insomnia Board

 

The Ashton Manual is an authoritative source on what to expect in withdrawal and recovery.  Dr. Ashton is an expert in the field.  She describes and explains withdrawal symptoms in Chapter III, and there is also a section with withdrawal/taper schedules.

 

Please take the time to Create a Signature.  This will allow others to see where you are in the process so they can better support you.

 

Again, welcome!

 

 

 

[[Le...]]

Thanks Meagan those are very helpful and interesting links you sent me. I think a lot of the problem I'm having getting back to normal is that my doctor seems very inexperienced with how to treat benzo's and how to do a proper titration. I basically had to self doctor myself and send him articles about how serious it was and how much slower you are supposed to do it. Honestly can't believe he thought tapering down from 3 pills down to 0 in less than a week was a good idea seeing as how I had told him I had been taking it for months.

 

I will be sure to create my signature.

 

Thanks

[[no...]]

Pretty horrifying story, I went through similar bouts of insomnia that I self medicated alcohol to treat, never worked though. It was only til I changed my relationship to the drugs and sleep, and shifted perspectives that I was able to get out of the hamster wheel of drugs and insomnia. I realized the chemicals were the source of my suffering and the only thing that would work is to do something different. Mainly treating myself well, and learning how to sleep. I practiced deep relaxation exercises for about a week and a half and used acupuncture, and fixed my sleep hygiene. It was only about 2 weeks that I started sleeping better than I ever have. A clean conscience helps, I made ammends to people I hurt. Oh yeah, I stopped self medicating. It never worked and I was perpetually trying to change the way I felt. Now I attempt acceptance and just do what I have to, no matter how I'm feeling. This will all end someday, doesn't seem like it but you will heal in time

[[Le...]]

Pretty horrifying story, I went through similar bouts of insomnia that I self medicated alcohol to treat, never worked though. It was only til I changed my relationship to the drugs and sleep, and shifted perspectives that I was able to get out of the hamster wheel of drugs and insomnia. I realized the chemicals were the source of my suffering and the only thing that would work is to do something different. Mainly treating myself well, and learning how to sleep. I practiced deep relaxation exercises for about a week and a half and used acupuncture, and fixed my sleep hygiene. It was only about 2 weeks that I started sleeping better than I ever have. A clean conscience helps, I made ammends to people I hurt. Oh yeah, I stopped self medicating. It never worked and I was perpetually trying to change the way I felt. Now I attempt acceptance and just do what I have to, no matter how I'm feeling. This will all end someday, doesn't seem like it but you will heal in time

 

Thanks for your positive words I think I'm on the right track now with the combination of sleep hygiene/restriction and incorporating mirtazapine into my tapering program I've been slowly gaining more hours of sleep. I have a band of my wrist that judges your sleep cycles based on movements apparently last night I got about 5.5 hours and 2 hours of that was Deep Sleep!! That's more than I have gotten in over a year things might ultimately get worse for a while once I'm getting close to being benzo free but I'm confident things will ultimately level out. Lesson well and truly learned I can't believe Doctors are even thinking or prescribing these drugs anymore when there are much much much better and sustainable things out there.

 

 

[[no...]]

That's fantastic. In my insomnia days that would have been a blessing. I take remeron as well, helps with sleep and appetite. Sounds like you are on the right track

[[Le...]]

I really hope so.

 

I'm now really having to consider drinking 0 drinks ever for the next 6 months. I have always been a social drinker but as you know benzos and booze are a real bad combo I actually almost died from the combo about a year ago after taking one at bed after 4 pints...I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air and had a crazy ringing sensation in my ears and a feeling of coming back like I actually forced my consciousness back into my body to chose to live and not die. Even once awake I was having major trouble breathing rushed to the hospital. Also as alcohol antagonizes the GABA receptors it acts as a crutch and suppresses your brain from producing it naturally and thus making sleep near impossible. I have never gone any longer than 3 months no drinks since I was 15 years old. It will be worth it though in the summer I'll gauge where things are at obviously if I'm still in hell and not sleeping naturally then drinking will be a no no. But if I get lucky and I'm able to sleep with 0 benzos in my system I don't see a reason I can't have an occasional drink here and there nothing crazy though those days are well and truly done. I think a huge reason alcoholics have such a hard time getting off the booze is because it helps get them to sleep and in it's absence insomnia set's in should only last 2 to 4 weeks though of being clean for the insomnia and withdrawal symptoms to subside looks like Benzo withdrawal might be the worst of any chemical and it's taken me this long to realize it and plan my recovery.

 

I've been off work for 4 months now and am now really thinking I should get back at er but worried I'll rebound into a real dark period again while trying to hold down a job and get fired with 0 employment benefits. But I miss working believe or not I miss being around the energy of other people during the day and the comradery etc. I miss trying to make people laugh and laughing with them. I miss having a purpose. All in due time though