Dealing with regret

[[bl...]]

I've not been around here for awhile. The vast majority of my symptoms have diminished to the point where everyday life is manageable. What I'm left with are more existential problems.

 

I'm deeply ashamed of my life and who I am. I have almost no confidence. It feels like everything in my life is a mistake. I recently got out of a short-term but extremely toxic relationship, I'm barely making ends meet, and my job is on the line. Some days, I just want to let everything go, to walk away and say "screw it."

 

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance. I've worked so hard to get where I am, and yet I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere. I'm 45, have almost no savings, no investments, no retirement, a middling skill set and work history. I've been so stressed for so long that it's become my normal mode of operation. I realize a great deal of this stress is just due in large part to my benzo experience, but it's also because I tend to be a Type-A personality.

 

How do you all deal with regret? Is there a peaceful outcome to all of this?

[[me...]]

I think that can happen when you overcome a battle in life. You've been focused for so long on getting to this point, with the idea that things will be some much better when "X" is fixed. Well now "X" is kinda fixed, there are no more excuses, nothing to distract from facing the rest. Obviously this battle takes a lot out of us.

 

This is also a tough time of year for a lot of people. I'm self-employed, and basically not able to work due to weather, if not weather, not feeling great, makes things challenging. I'm hopeful that with the turning of the seasons things will improve. The days will be longer and brighter and the future look a little less ominous.

 

 

[[re...]]

I think that can happen when you overcome a battle in life. You've been focused for so long on getting to this point, with the idea that things will be some much better when "X" is fixed. Well now "X" is kinda fixed, there are no more excuses, nothing to distract from facing the rest. Obviously this battle takes a lot out of us.

 

This is also a tough time of year for a lot of people. I'm self-employed, and basically not able to work due to weather, if not weather, not feeling great, makes things challenging. I'm hopeful that with the turning of the seasons things will improve. The days will be longer and brighter and the future look a little less ominous.

 

This is great life advice - benzo or no benzo. 

 

I am dealing with so much depression and regret over my choices in life the past few years.  It started with taking a benzo and led to divorce, losing friends, financial ruin, etc.  I just turned 50 and I'm floored with regrets large and small.  Can I pick myself up in the midst of this devastating withdrawal?  I go back and forth.  I just don't know.  I miss my fearlessness.  I am a shell of the person I once was.

[[Sh...]]

It's very difficult but regret is definitely blown up x10 in WD and you just need to try and remember you wont always feel this bad and you'll get your normal emotions back. I am struggling with this enormously but I'm still able to hold on to the knowledge that this isn't me.

[[Da...]]

Bloodthrax, I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I regret things I said 20 years to people who are dead. It is crazy I really had no regrets until this started. I think all the regret is part of the formula that comes from the chemical changes of our minds due to benzo WD. While a lot of your symptoms got better maybe this has yet to heal. I think you should push forward and give yourself more time to heal, you will start to feel better about things that happened in the past.

[[El...]]

Bloodthrax, I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I regret things I said 20 years to people who are dead. It is crazy I really had no regrets until this started. I think all the regret is part of the formula that comes from the chemical changes of our minds due to benzo WD. While a lot of your symptoms got better maybe this has yet to heal. I think you should push forward and give yourself more time to heal, you will start to feel better about things that happened in the past.

I have this too, they're popping up from everywhere, even someone in kindergarten I took his sandwich, haven't even thought of that as a regrettable thing before, always took it as a: I was just a child.

So yes, I think too the regret thing is a formula from the chemical changes in our brains.

 

Blandtrax U come a long way, and fought a war like no one else, don't give up now... I think all the feelings u have is a part of chemical changes and a bit of complete exhaustion after what u been through.

 

Hugs to u all

[[bl...]]

Thank you all for your replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone though I wish others didn't have to experience this.

 

I realize almost everyone experiences regret to some degree or another at various times throughout their life, but for me they tend to overwhelm all reason.

 

I'm trying to take a more mindful approach to them, to everything really, by noticing them but not reacting. One thing I'm really well attuned to now is how much I invest in my "stories", that is the tales I tell myself, which lead me down the path to past regrets and future worries.

 

This has become a central theme in my life as of late, when some memory pops into my head, I acknowledge it exists and gently nudge it aside. I try to avoid allowing intrusive thoughts from taking a real foothold in my mind. It's like a muscle that I'm just beginning to work out. The more I work it out, the more I exercise it, the stronger it will become.

[[bl...]]

It seems that regrets are magnified during benzo withdrawal and we all have them.  I have to tell myself to leave the past in the past since it cannot be changed and ruminating on them just make me feel worse.  According to Anne Shirley, " each day is fresh and clean with no mistakes in it." So, I try to take hold of each new day and make the best choices that I can for today.  I look to the future when I am able and keep moving forward.  The future is where we have the opportunity to make better choices that will take us to better places. 

[[Fi...]]

I've not been around here for awhile. The vast majority of my symptoms have diminished to the point where everyday life is manageable. What I'm left with are more existential problems.

 

I'm deeply ashamed of my life and who I am. I have almost no confidence. It feels like everything in my life is a mistake. I recently got out of a short-term but extremely toxic relationship, I'm barely making ends meet, and my job is on the line. Some days, I just want to let everything go, to walk away and say "screw it."

 

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance. I've worked so hard to get where I am, and yet I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere. I'm 45, have almost no savings, no investments, no retirement, a middling skill set and work history. I've been so stressed for so long that it's become my normal mode of operation. I realize a great deal of this stress is just due in large part to my benzo experience, but it's also because I tend to be a Type-A personality.

 

How do you all deal with regret? Is there a peaceful outcome to all of this?

 

This is not real regret from the true you - it is a false, attention-grabbing, trail of pseudo-emotion generated by the mechanism of our healing brains.

 

Think about it; Every "emotional" symptom you've had throughout this WD has been an exaggerated, off-the-wall, artificial construct caused by the effects of withdrawal on your system. Exaggerated and abnormal anxiety, panic, intrusive thoughts, agoraphobia, repetitive looping, feeling scared, inability to process, cognitive issues, brain-fog; all of it "feeling" fearsomely real (& temporarily "true") due to downregulation and temporary inability to branch out into true reality with its usual everyday checks and balances.

 

In fact, all of this is withdrawal in a nutshell; A false world of utter confusion and unreality, caused purely by the damage done by medical poison.

 

"Regret" of the sort you mention - exaggerated, 'all-consuming' (a sure give-away) - is no different, in this context, than those false, hyped feelings of urgency and panic and intrusion were in the depths of your worst times.

 

It will all re-balance, settle, normalise and you will regain your true perspective with the passage of time, just as you have done with other things, to date 

 

 

 

 

[[er...]]

I've not been around here for awhile. The vast majority of my symptoms have diminished to the point where everyday life is manageable. What I'm left with are more existential problems.

 

I'm deeply ashamed of my life and who I am. I have almost no confidence. It feels like everything in my life is a mistake. I recently got out of a short-term but extremely toxic relationship, I'm barely making ends meet, and my job is on the line. Some days, I just want to let everything go, to walk away and say "screw it."

 

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance. I've worked so hard to get where I am, and yet I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere. I'm 45, have almost no savings, no investments, no retirement, a middling skill set and work history. I've been so stressed for so long that it's become my normal mode of operation. I realize a great deal of this stress is just due in large part to my benzo experience, but it's also because I tend to be a Type-A personality.

 

How do you all deal with regret? Is there a peaceful outcome to all of this?

 

Hey Blandthrax,

 

Good post, as always.. Well, I'm right there with you, and I can really identify with everything you are feeling.  I'm going to be 48 in 9 days, and I have the same financial situation and my career isn't going so well right now. 

 

I have also been operating in a stress mode for so long, it has become normal for me, which I really don't like, especially at my age when things "should" be more comfortable.

 

I have really regretted taking benzos for 8-9 years, as now that I'm waking up or "thawing out" from them, I feel a bit like Rip Van Winkle and I'm anxious to make up for lost time, however, my brain is still healing so much, it's difficult to take ambitious steps.  Plus, I'm pretty broke, (and am not earning much), so that limits my options as well. 

 

Anyway, to try and answer your question about "how to deal with regret?", the only answer I know about comes as a result of working AA's 12 Steps, as a "promise" is, "We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."  That has worked for me before, and I must believe that it will work for me again, IF I "work for it"..

 

It's a tough deal, especially all of that "lost" time.. but perhaps we can help others in the future avoid the pitfalls of using benzos..

 

Eric

[[bl...]]

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you're suffering.

 

I've decided to go on an AD for the near term. Ashton's recommendation is 6 months and that's the frame of time I need to sort things out. I can't do that however, if I'm held hostage by my thoughts (fears).

 

Two day into this grand experiment, I feel remarkably better already. Not fantastic, yet, but better. The thoughts have been quelled and I feel like I'm starting to push through.

 

I have to take my life back. Clearly the benzos and the events of the past two years (the PTSD) have affected me as such, that I won't be able to operate normally until I can get my life to a place where I feel confident I can handle whatever life throws my way.

[[Qu...]]

Great thread - yes, I have tremendous regret. I had an amazing, exciting career, tons of money, and a great family, and I blew it all. So it's great to hear that this is common to many of us. I do notice, though, that when I have the occasional window, there is no regret. Just a desire to get to work. I wish the windows lasted longer!!

[[Tr...]]

Good to hear you're making positive steps and feeling better!

 

I suffer from regret often but it's diminished somewhat with both time and being off benzos. One way I deal with it is by being compassionate with myself, and treating myself as if I were a troubled friend.

 

If a friend came up to me and told me all of their regrets I would be compassionate and kind. I'd explain how many of these things couldn't be helped, that they were in a tough situation and only did their best considering the circumstances, that things aren't quite as bad as they seem and how they can look at the positive aspects of their life and grow from those.

 

The last thing I'd do to a friend is beat them up when they're down and tell them they'll never get out of their situation and it's only going to get worse! But so often this is the self-talk I have within myself. I have to be really careful when it happens, notice it and counteract it. It's difficult but really it's the only way to move forward and rise beyond the darkness and fear.

 

It's important to make an honest assessment of your situation without getting caught up in problems and regret. If you can appreciate what you have and visualize where you'd like to be, then hopefully you can start the small steps it will take to get there. Document your progress and congratulate yourself every step of the way so you can grow with positive energy that can motivate you forward.

[[...]]

I think meowie spoke wise words, and I am glad to hear you are already feeling a bit better having started on an AD.  Have a cyber hug, and I hope things continue to improve for you!  (((((Blandthrax)))))  Regrets - tell me about it!  I wasted 17 yrs of my life on x drugs.  But my belief is that we are here to learn stuff, and I certainly have learned a lot.  So maybe it has not all been a waste, is how I look at it.

[[lo...]]

let me tell you that money and career don't give happiness. you can have it all and still be empty. Seek God. not advocating for any religion or anything. just start with an open mind and heart.

good luck

[[je...]]

Thanks Blandthrax for starting this topic and thanks to the buddies offering their support and wisdom.  I, too, have recently started to experience severe regret!  Where did it come from?  It was quite a surprise to me.

 

Upon reflection the benzos really made some parent/child and work relationship issues really tough and I'm trying to "right the wrongs".  I know things will be OK in the future but wish I'd known this crap could happen while taking-tapering-withdrawing from Valium.  When my head and heart realized a lot of stuff has failed, it was shocking and hurtful to know I was such an a**.

 

Sorry I don't have words of wisdom but do offer gratitude to all of you for participating on this topic!  Wishing you good things Blandthrax!  Be well.

[[bl...]]

Wow, I'm amazed by the responses and I thank everyone for your input!

 

I am pushing through, slowly, surely. I know intellectually that I won't always be in this situation or feel like I do. Everything changes, nothing lasts forever. I am grateful to have a family and friends who care enough that they would drop everything to help me out if I needed it. I know if worse came to worse, I'd have the help I needed, which makes me all the more determined not to let that happen.

 

Perhaps there's no better way to get over regret than to avoid more.

 

I like to think I'll look back at this time of my life a year from now and wonder what all the hubbub was about. I've already come a long long way, compared to last year. This time last year, I was ready to end my life. I didn't understand the point of continuing. I couldn't be by myself. I truly doubted my ability to make it or that I'd ever be off of benzos. How wrong I was, which should give me great comfort. I've never been so glad to be so wrong.

 

Now, I see my future self happy and confident and full of hope, because I think that's what it all comes down to, choosing hope over fear and regret. I wake in the morning now and tell myself to allow hope into my heart. I go to sleep with that one word in my mind: hope. It just feels like there isn't any other choice.

[[br...]]

 

I am at an age when I am losing friends and family to the 'Grim Reaper' that none of us will escape from. Most of the more recent deaths have been from cancer, which along with the side effects from horrendous medication have become the scourge of our time. Last year I lost my closest friend to a cancer which spread through her body quickly and viciously. Ironically this was the time I hit tolerance and started my long journey back to health. What I realized in those early dark days was that unlike my friend, I had been given the gift of time and a chance to get things right and recover I also realized that time was a precious commodity,  and the time spent on my recovery had to be as purposeful as possible, even though the recovery process would be far from easy. Now my main objective is to not let the recovery take over my entire life. Rather to keep it as just a small part of the sum total that is me.

[[bl...]]

 

I am at an age when I am losing friends and family to the 'Grim Reaper' that none of us will escape from. Most of the more recent deaths have been from cancer, which along with the side effects from horrendous medication have become the scourge of our time. Last year I lost my closest friend to a cancer which spread through her body quickly and viciously. Ironically this was the time I hit tolerance and started my long journey back to health. What I realized in those early dark days was that unlike my friend, I had been given the gift of time and a chance to get things right and recover I also realized that time was a precious commodity,  and the time spent on my recovery had to be as purposeful as possible, even though the recovery process would be far from easy. Now my main objective is to not let the recovery take over my entire life. Rather to keep it as just a small part of the sum total that is me.

 

Interestingly enough, my anxiety disorder manifested itself when a close friend of mine succumbed to three types of cancer in 2011. Before that, I had no problems letting people and situations go, but now I can't say I don't dread the day where I start losing friends and family.

 

That said, I too understand that I have an opportunity here to make the most of the other half of my life. I'd love to say that, "oh, if it weren't for benzos I'd be so much better and so forth," but I can't. I'm pretty sure I'd be letting life come to me rather than going after it. That's the biggest difference I think. I have discovered I no longer am able to stand by and wait for things to happen. It's a new way of being, and yes, it causes me stress and anxiety, but maybe that's because I'm just not used to it. It used to be all too easy to just say, "I'll get around to it tomorrow."

[[Ma...]]

...the only thing that helps me in that pattern is stepping out of my way of seeing myself and life.

 

I love nature, animals,- and everything in there is right, just the way it is. It does not matter if the tree is tall, good growing, dying early, looking good or whatever. Its a tree. It belongs to the world. Thats all. It does not need to give its best, to achieve things, life is just living. nothing more, nothing less.

When things die, things continue to be, but nothing is lost. Everything is one.

 

I don't want to be pathetic or spiritual, but anytime I judge myself I also notice that this is ridiculous. Great persons about whom we are still talking, don't know that we are doing it, because their time has ended. So why should I achieve so much that I can say "well done" when I die? For what?

 

All I want is to be loved by nature, by people, by animals. But this love is not given because of my success, I get it, when I love authentically, because of my spirit, my humor and my heart.

 

Of course this is nothing I can buy myself food of. I am at the moment in a very very bad situation.

And I regret a lot, and I am struggling a lot with the past, like everyone here does..

 

The only way that helps my out of this thoughts is the way I described here.

And to love myself and never stop loving myself - no matter how much I regret or achieve or anything.

 

And if nothing else helps.. I swear so badly that even the devil would blush....

 

Hug for you!!

Marigold

 

[[bl...]]

Hi Marigold, good to see you're still around!

 

You do sound like you're adapting fairly well. That you can appreciate life in such a way is good.

 

I haven't had such a luxury. The benzos did something to me that removed any kind of love I ever had for life. I've been so depressed and emotionally blunted for so long, that I just look at the world around me and feel like all the color has drained out of it. This has only magnified the regret. I wish I could have done things differently (even though that is pointless) rather than being able to focus on what I can do now, presently. And, isn't that something, when I have the foresight to know what I need to do, and how it will impact me in the future, but then feel like I can't because I can't.

 

What a stupid situation.

 

Today is the first day, in I can't remember how long, that I've been able to focus on something (revising my resume and staring a job search) that isn't centered around what's inside my head. God, what a relief.

[[Ma...]]

Hi Marigold, good to see you're still around!

 

You do sound like you're adapting fairly well. That you can appreciate life in such a way is good.

 

I haven't had such a luxury. The benzos did something to me that removed any kind of love I ever had for life. I've been so depressed and emotionally blunted for so long, that I just look at the world around me and feel like all the color has drained out of it. This has only magnified the regret. I wish I could have done things differently (even though that is pointless) rather than being able to focus on what I can do now, presently. And, isn't that something, when I have the foresight to know what I need to do, and how it will impact me in the future, but then feel like I can't because I can't.

 

What a stupid situation.

 

Today is the first day, in I can't remember how long, that I've been able to focus on something (revising my resume and staring a job search) that isn't centered around what's inside my head. God, what a relief.

 

sometimes that kind of luxury comes when you are at the worst point and then decide, really decide, to see things in a way that makes your heart heal and not in the way your heart keeps dying. Its not easy but I don't want to be the worst judge of mine, after people have made me sick. Why do you want to do this?

[[Jo...]]

Hi Marigold, good to see you're still around!

 

You do sound like you're adapting fairly well. That you can appreciate life in such a way is good.

 

I haven't had such a luxury. The benzos did something to me that removed any kind of love I ever had for life. I've been so depressed and emotionally blunted for so long, that I just look at the world around me and feel like all the color has drained out of it. This has only magnified the regret. I wish I could have done things differently (even though that is pointless) rather than being able to focus on what I can do now, presently. And, isn't that something, when I have the foresight to know what I need to do, and how it will impact me in the future, but then feel like I can't because I can't.

 

What a stupid situation.

 

Today is the first day, in I can't remember how long, that I've been able to focus on something (revising my resume and staring a job search) that isn't centered around what's inside my head. God, what a relief.

 

I have to say this really resonated with me.  Right there with you.  I'm 45 as well, and been off about the same amount of time as you.  I have been through A LOT in my life, definitely challenging and pretty bad at times, but I have to say that this experience has been the worst.  It has done something to me that's made everything gray with no love for life.  I can experience happy moments and real interest in things here or there but it's not nearly enough.  I don't see life as engaging, I don't have much that I look forward to.  I'm so distrustful with life.  If that makes any sense.

 

And I have quite a bit that I am the so thankful for, my husband most of all.  But my deepest regret for awhile has been leaving my previous job.  I was established, challenged, made good money, and had friends there.  I'm now at a part time job where I'm completely unfulfilled. The people are nice but pretty worthless.  I try to put it into perspective....it allowed me to come and go when I was very sick, make my own schedule, have no stress, etc.  I can do the job with my eyes closed.  But I'm a shell.  I make good money for being part time but can't really appreciate it.  I'm simply a shell.

 

On top of everything, I was feeling better for a couple of months and now I've got new symptoms that are bringing me down.  I'm not naive with this whole experience but really disappointed all the same.

 

Wow, I didn't mean to make my response all about me.  But I definitely know what you mean by a shell.  It's compounded when we have money problems, etc.  I also want to find a more fulfilling job or even just feel like I have a purpose.  I'll be crossing my fingers for you!

 

 

[[bl...]]

I have to say this really resonated with me.  Right there with you.  I'm 45 as well, and been off about the same amount of time as you.  I have been through A LOT in my life, definitely challenging and pretty bad at times, but I have to say that this experience has been the worst.  It has done something to me that's made everything gray with no love for life.  I can experience happy moments and real interest in things here or there but it's not nearly enough.  I don't see life as engaging, I don't have much that I look forward to.  I'm so distrustful with life.  If that makes any sense.

 

And I have quite a bit that I am the so thankful for, my husband most of all.  But my deepest regret for awhile has been leaving my previous job.  I was established, challenged, made good money, and had friends there.  I'm now at a part time job where I'm completely unfulfilled. The people are nice but pretty worthless.  I try to put it into perspective....it allowed me to come and go when I was very sick, make my own schedule, have no stress, etc.  I can do the job with my eyes closed.  But I'm a shell.  I make good money for being part time but can't really appreciate it.  I'm simply a shell.

 

On top of everything, I was feeling better for a couple of months and now I've got new symptoms that are bringing me down.  I'm not naive with this whole experience but really disappointed all the same.

 

Wow, I didn't mean to make my response all about me.  But I definitely know what you mean by a shell.  It's compounded when we have money problems, etc.  I also want to find a more fulfilling job or even just feel like I have a purpose.  I'll be crossing my fingers for you!

 

That's okay, you can make it about you, that was the point of me asking in the first place. 

 

I understand what you're saying and your trajectory seems to mimic my own. I too was doing better for a couple months and then took a turn for the worse. I've had people telling me to just wait it out, that it's going to get better, but I don't have that luxury, and quite honestly, even when things were better, I still felt like I'm trudging through mud. I still spend way too much time cheering myself on and reminding myself it's getting better (oh yeah? how and when?).

 

I think I've just gotten to the point where I felt so depressed about the past and anxious about the future, that I think something is seriously off in my brain, and even when things are seemingly going well, I still struggle to accept it. I too want a purpose, but I've come to the realization just recently that, I will never find that purpose if I can't get out of my own way, which is why I finally had to say, enough is enough, this is insanity.

 

The point is, bad things happen to all of us. Bad things happen all the time, at all times of our lives, and I should be used to it by now. I should be able to handle it. I used to be able to handle it, but then something changed and then the benzos seemed to break me. So, now I'm determined to prepare myself, not only to handle the bad, but to embrace the good, but in order to do that, I have to feel like I'm alive again.