Getting my life back

[[Ra...]]

Hi everyone.

 

I first come into contact with benzos 2006 when my girlfriend broke up with me and I could not sleep for many weeks. I was prescribed oxazepam 15mg as a sleeping aid, and it worked really well for me and gave me much needed sleep.

 

I continued to use this medication as needed (0-7 times a week) for many years. Never exceeding the prescribed amount.  In december 2013 things took a change for the worse. I woke up one morning with a burning headache in my forehead that has persisted to this day. Alongside the headache my stomach also started burning and I felt bloated and had diarhhea/constipation. I had a ton of blood samples taken along with x-rays and mri-s of my head. I have seen about 15 different doctors and specialist but so far no one has been able to figure out what is wrong with me.

 

In march 2014 I had a brief moment of relief from my headache and stomach pain when I found out I had and H.pylori infection. I was given a course of antibiotics and 2 hours after taking the first pills i felt an incredible sensation of euphoria. I felt no pain whatsoever and could not stop laughing for about 3 hours straight. I was so happy when I thought that it was the h.pylori that was causing all my problems, and that I could go back to living a normal pain free life. I finished the antibiotics and felt great the whole week but soon after this my pain slowly came back. I went to the doctor again and retested for h.pylori which came back negative.

 

After this an endoscopy was done and the doctor did not find anything unusual. After this I tried a course of different antidepressants since the doctors thought that I was depressed and that my pain was psychosomatic. The antidepressants made me totally unemotional and suicidal and I could not continue taking them due to the severe side effects. In addition to the antidepressants (I tried about 8 different kinds, both SSRI, SNRI and tricyclic) I have tried both pain medication, muscle relaxants, medication for epilepsy. None of these helped me at all.

 

Only thing that eases the pain and anxiety is benzos, weed, alcohol and exercise. Socialising and spending time with girlfriend family and friends also helps since it distracts me somewhat from my problems. After a 3 month sick-leave I started working part time and next week I’m going back to work full time. Working really helps me distract myself and although I’m super tired after work it still beats sitting at home dealing with my anxiety.

 

I have now been suffering for over three years with a constant headache and stomach pain. This is really painful in so many ways. I still believe that there is something physically wrong with me and a few weeks ago I went to a doctor specializing in headaches and he suggested that I should have an MRA and likvor sample taken. I will get these done as soon as I can and hopefully they will give me the answers that I’m looking for.

 

Ever since the headaches started in 2013 I have not been able to sleep without medication. I tried Cymbalta and two other tricyclic medications last summer all which made me so anxious that I had to take oxazepam 45-60 mg’s a day for many months. After coming of the antidepressants I slowly started tapering of the benzos and have been without it for almost two months now.

 

My current symptoms besides the headache and stomach pain is severe anxiety, occasional suicidal thoughts (I cannot drive a car at this moment because I get a strong urge to drive of every bridge that I cross) fatigue, hopelessness and insomnia.

 

I take seroquel 25mg at night to help me sleep. If I don’t take seroquel I get about 1-2 hours of sleep so I choose to take it just to help me get through the benzo withdrawal.

 

If I would have known how hard it is to quit benzos I would have never continued to use them for as long as I have. I have never been a good sleeper and I easily worry about things but the anxiety that I felt before ever touching a benzo was so much easier to deal with than the hell that I’m going through at this moment.

 

I have never been suicidal before benzos and hopefully when I heal I will be able to enjoy my life again not having constant anxiety. My plan as of this moment is to take one step at a time and give myself time to heal. I will wait until the worst of my withdrawal is over and after that I will slowly start to taper off seroquel. I have also thought about the possibility that it is the benzos that is causing the headaches and stomach pain??

 

Please tell me that things will get better. I have had thoughts about going back on Oxazepam just because the quality of life is so bad at this moment. I know that is not a good solution but I’m getting desperate. Especially if the MRA and likvor sample all come back clean.

 

 

 

[[ma...]]

Hi, i think the benzo make you sick, please dont go back. Am nine months out, and deadling with My life. It Will gett better...

[[Ra...]]

I hope you are right. Only time will tell if the pain subsides as my recovery continues. I will do everything I can to not go back on benzos. Today was infact the best day for a long time, hope there are many more of these in store in the future.