Hello, traveling through tolerance withdrawal hyperspace

[Guest [Lu...]]

Hi guys,

Sorry so many are suffering...I had...no....idea til I found this place.

 

I've actually been a "hoverer" for quite some time, nearly a year I suppose.

 

My basic story:

 

I quit alcohol 3 1/2 years ago, cold turkey, went through about a year of classic pattern alcohol withdrawal. Ups and downs, but with the exception of a few difficult patches, tolerable. I started weightlifting, was doing great, gained 20lbs or so of muscle.

 

The bad all started about 2 years into quitting alcohol. Oh, I was on diazepam 10mg daily for this whole period; was on it while drinking heavily, then just stayed on it as i quit drinking and began getting in better shape. i was put on it for pretty classic straight up good ole anxiety (which ive been battling since I was 15 years old - Im now 45).

 

At the gym one day, I got especially woozy, whacked out feeling after a set. It happens sometimes, you push a little hard, then take it easy, give yourself a break. I didnt think too much of it though I was slightly disconcerted because hours later, the "weightlifters high" never left. I was still woozy, weird feeling that night. I returned to the gym nest few days, and had a couple more episodes where i just didnt feel right when my adrenaline kicked in. It escalated into panic attacks basically.

 

I stopped lifting. I stopped running. And then I started to down-spiral. The ensuing months I had weak legs, dizzy, and a CONSTANT weird feeling, like I was tripping out, or drunk, to varying degrees, very uncomfortable. very uncomfrotable. what the heck was happening to me?

 

Like many of you, I saw every dr under the sun, had every test I possibly could. mri's, ekg, blood tests, treadmill, ears checked etc etc...nothing. *knock on wood* clean bill of health.

 

I decided well heck, I dont know what else to do, so still not even having seen this forum, I decided to get off the diazepam - oh, which i forgot to mention, in my despair, had been upped to 20mg, which i held for 8 months or so. Brilliant, right? I had no idea.

 

Around the same time I decided to "quit" the drug, i stumbled on this site. Holy eye opener. I saw soooo many people mention ALL the things I was feeling WHILE STILL ON THE DRUG. i even used some of the expressions, thinking I had coined them lol - jelly legs, etc. I realized geez, its like ive been in withdrawal!

 

well im tapering now, im at 8.25mg's of diazepam from 20mg's, and all my symptoms have been amplified versions of what i was feeling before i even started to taper. what was bizarre was that when i initially went from 10-20mg's to help with my anxiety, it didnt do a darned thing. didnt halt any symptoms, didnt curb any anxiety. didnt even feel a difference at all from 10 to 20 mg's. its just that much more i now had to taper off of. A few months I was also prescribe gabapentin, which in my desperation i took. But now honestly, meh, it doesnt really help. it seemed to the first month, but then it all just felt the same and it felt like another poison in my system. im actually tapering off of that, too, thankfully without any real noticeable unpleasantries - the diazepam weirdness just cuts right through it.

 

Its been HARD having to hold a job with this. good gravy some days i have no idea how ive managed to keep my job which i absolutely have to. i see people who dream of being able to work again, and i understand that, getting back a life, but holy god id do anything to have a few months off. work has by far been the worst thing to endure. days when i feel like i should be in a hospital bed and having to do a 9 hour day...ugh...soooooo hard to work while in full withdrawal and feeling "drunk" 24/7 - thats been the worst of all, i havent felt "normal" for over a year, i think ive had like 3 days when i was close to feeling balanced, perception intact. ugh, its been a constant bad acid trip or something, since long before i started tapering.

 

So a part of me is still not even totally convinced all this IS the diazepam, but i dont know not what else to do. i know it isnt helping me any, and i know at a time when i was becoming healthier than i had since my 20s i started to spiral down with bad withdrawal like symptoms that match what im experiencing in my taper, and match what many of you report. sometimes you have to go with your gut instinct.

 

mine says to get the heck off this drug.

 

so anyway, hello, thank you so much, my prayers and wishes to everybody going through this, what a singular, lonely, bizarrely unexplainable hell this has all been. its like a gaping hole in the medicinal community. noone has a clue, at all. i have a therapist, i have a psychiatrist, and both good guys, they both even acknowledge that theres not enough practical care for benzo withdrawal, so i at least have their understanding.

 

but whew what a war....

 

May the force be with you... sincerely.

[[Ch...]]

Welcome to BenzoBuddies, Luke Skywalker.

 

Glad you decided to join the forum for support as you taper off Valium.  We're here to help.

 

For help with a taper plan, you can begin posting in General Taper Plans. 

For help with symptoms, you can start here: Withdrawal Support. 

 

Please take some time to Create a Signature. This will help other members understand your history so they will be better able to support you.

Go to the top of the page and select Profile, then choose Forum Profile, insert drug history/timelines into the text box and click Change Profile.

 

When you have a chance, I highly recommend that you take a look at The Ashton Manual, which is an authoritative source on what to expect during withdrawal and recovery, authored by Dr. C. Heather Ashton, who is an expert in the field. It provides a great deal of information that can be very reassuring during any stage of this process, including a list of common symptoms with helpful explanations on the reasons for their existence.

 

Challis 

[[Ni...]]

Like an acid trip indeed. That's what u told a doctor 10.5 months when I was in detox getting off benzos. Such an uneasy place. I couldn't imagine having to work and go through it. Just know it gets better and there will be no long term effects. I'd keep lifting and running if I were you. Keeping your confidence is a big part of this process-since you can feel like such a goober at times. Good luck. U r right where u should be

[Guest [Lu...]]

Thanks so much Nick. Thats one of the things im most confused about is actually how hard i can push the exercise. I get a window and do some light lifting, work up a sweat... then a few days later i feel as though i pay for it. its so counterintuitive, like exercise should be wonderful, but i guess with sensitive nervous systems it just changes the game.