13 months celebration with a question mark tho

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Hi guys , it's my 13th month off this crazy mess and I'm thankful to God that I'm still here after my jump in November 2015. I'm definitely not healed but staying positive , I just wanted to share my progress ,though it is very tiny but I'm hopeful  . My symptoms in the past 13 months and their Intensity are listed below , please let me know if you are going through this and most preferably if you have gone through this and healed from it .

Fear of going mad - reduced 70% better

Fear of numbers "especially 911 , 11:19 , 1:19 or 419 reduced 70% better

Fear of my own poop - I literally thought I was gonna eat it . Gosh I'm embarrassed , reduced a great deal 70% better

Fear of using my phone and text messages - reduced 70% better

Billboards and pictures - scared the leaving hell out me 70% better

Fear of rainbow flags

Sexual thoughts towards all living creature "man,woman,boys ,girls , grandma , grandpa, family , siblings , friends ...l torture I swear  " 30% Better

Fear of stabbing my husband , I thought of hiding the knives several times but I exposed myself to the knife many times till the thoughts reduced - 70% better

Rage - 70 % better

Memories of past mistakes - this one almost drove me bunkers , jeeez 50% better

Tinnitus-70 % better

Fear of the San Francisco bridge - I would literally hear jump jump jump when I go on it 50% better

Fear of ocean , water , beach 50% better

Fear of taking a shower , thought I was going to lose my mind and run around the neighborhood naked 50% better

Fear of my husband's belt and car seat belt - thought I was going to lose it and hang myseif 50% better

Fear to look myself in the mirror, couldn't recognize myself , still can't recognize myself sometimes 50 % better

Fear of news and social media - bb is my only media service now , I'm still not ready to handle it

Obsessive thoughts 50% better

Paranoia 50% better

Nightmare / foolish dreams 50 % better

 

 

Symptoms that are still here at 13month 

Fear of my sexual orientation changing - still bad , I can't even be around the same sex including my best friend  , I'm not happy about this cause I genuinely miss my good friends and I've pushed almost everyone away

Fear of leaving my husband for another man - I hate this so much because since the withdrawal I'm not fully connected to him , not connected to family members and even myself

Fear of dying - i basically can't think about the future cause all that pops up is my dying

Fear of the San Francisco bridge

Brain zaps / fireworks in my head / weird sensations in my brain - I hate it so much , it intensifies when I have intrusive thoughts

Sexual intrusive thoughts / violence thoughts

Obsessive thoughts

Dp/dr

Disconnection to loved one , those that actually love me genuinely

Anxiety

 

I will stop here and add more when I remember soon .

I feel I'm progressing some days and some days I just feel like hell . I will shoot for march and see what diminishes

 

However here is a list of what I do to balance my healing journey

Scream therapy and breathing therapy

I pray to God even though I feel disconnect from him and that's he's nit good to me

Mediation . Trauma meditation and ptsd visualization

No more gluten

No more msg

No more caffeine , sugar , soda. All I drink it 6 or more bottles of water a day and coconut milk

I cook a lot for family and friends

 

Sending you all love , light , peace and love

[[Da...]]

Hi Imek, you have some interesting symptoms and I have to admit I chuckled a little when you said you are afraid of your sexual orientation changing. I am sure it is not funny to you so I'm sorry I find humor in things that really are not funny.

 

I am also at 13 months. I have noticed really in the last month to 1.5 months that my DR/DP is getting better and my connections to friends and family is starting to come back. I was so worried when I no longer connected to anyone since we always had close relationships in the past. The biggest hurtles which do not seem to be getting better fast are my anxiety and my cognitive issues. I worry and am so terrified of the future. We are still here and we have to deal with our strengths and weaknesses as much as we can. Thanks for sharing this I'm glad to see I'm not the only person who is starting to see improvements.

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I totally understand why it sounds funny to you . Imagine what it sounds like to people that don't even know or get what benzo withdrawal is . I had more bizarre symptoms but thankfully they reduced . It is quite exhausting honestly . Congratulations on your  dp/dr reduction , I want to be like you . I don't want new friends , no new family , no new husband . I just want to connect to my loved ones , the ones I know genuinely love me , I want to love them back but it's hard .

I worry a lot too , I think about the worst, I hope we heal soon

Can you explain how you felt when your dp/dr was intense / disconnection too ? I need reassurance

[[Da...]]

Me and my girlfriend lived together for 12 years, when I got out of rehab we were complete strangers. I no longer I knew myself at all I did not know what I liked to eat, why kind of TV shows I watched, what books I wanted to read etc. I was very sick and I just wanted to die. We started arguing right away about everything. At that point I knew nothing about benzo WD and rehab told me I would be fine in 2 or 3 weeks. She did not believe I was in withdrawal and she kept making comments like "your just depressed" and "you can't withdrawing now" etc. I found out about benzo WD online after being checked out by every doctor in town looking for a physical explanation. She moved out about 60 days into this.

 

I also felt like a stranger to my family when we were always very close knit. I did not want to talk to anybody and I isolated myself completely. In a way I still do that. But recently I started talking to my family and my friends again and I'm starting to feel the connection that I once had with them. They are the same and sometimes they piss me off but that always happened. It has been a long hard road and I wish I was healed but I'm not. I'm still dealing with tons of problems from WD. I have lost so much to this I lost my business, I lost my GF (even though I'm glad she is gone). Now I'm running into financial problems and everything seems dark and scary. I guess that is probably not helping you. I just hope we both heal and see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel soon.

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Wow ! So sorry to hear about your gf leaving , financial issues and all but  I'm glad you found benzo buddies  and as for your girl friend ,it's so sad she left when you needed her the most . That must be so hard and painful , everyone annoys me too from time to time . I can't wait to start connecting and don't mind dealing with the annoying part . . I'm so thankful my husband is so patient with me . God I don't know what I will have done with myself . Anytime I think of just ending this unknown existence,I think of him and immediately remind myself of how lucky I am . I really just want to live , I mean live and be happy . This torture is too much . I wish you continual speed recovery

[[Da...]]

You too imek, it is all hard to deal with all this but all we can do is live through it and hope we get well.