9-month update

[[bl...]]

So here I am getting my oil changed and recalling a day very similar to this about a year ago. It was cloudy, cool, and I sat on the same bench as I'm sitting now. I remember feeling utter despair, I remember feeling hopeless though trying to convince myself otherwise. A friend called me, reassuring me, trying to give me hope and strength to go on. I hadn't even begun my taper at that point and I wouldn't be off benzos for another 3 months.

 

So now, here I am, better, stronger, though still facing an uncertain future.

 

I was warned a week ago that my job is in jeopardy, and I have until my yearly review in April to get my act together. I'm confident I can fix the situation but I have doubts as well. I still catastrophize my life. I still try to predict the future. It ramps up my anxiety and depression but at least it's my doing.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago. I feel guilty about it. She's troubled and depressed and I just couldn't take it anymore. I miss her but I know I can't go back. She actually broke up with me, it's the third time she's done so, all because I was having a bad day and wanted to be alone for a few hours. It sounds weird to be so hurt about it, to feel guilty, but I feel like I gave up on her even though the relationship was hurting me.

 

So, things are challenging. I am dealing with a lot of depression but it's not as bad as it was the last time I got my oil changed. It's easier to see the light at the end. It's easier to imagine a better future, aa uncertain as it is.

 

I sleep better now though it's not ideal. I'm surprised sometimes how deeply I sleep though it's never for very long. It's still sleep and it's a lot more sleep than the last time I got my oil changed.

 

Mornings are still hard but it's not anxiety that bothers me, rather just the feeling of malaise and dissatisfaction I have with life right now. There are things I can do to change this. Real concrete things I can do to fix a lot with how I'm feeling but I have to get out of my way to do them.

 

The dp/dr has cleared up, as evidenced by my reaction to work and my breakup. It's fine, these feelings are better than none I suppose.

 

The biggest improvement however, is to my cognition. I am getting sharper and more astute with each passing day. I notice more. I'm aware. I see things more clearly. My memory is exponentially improved. I can read things and understand ideas and concepts so much better than even a few months ago. I still feel like I've a ways to go in this department but this is by far the most progress I've seen in this department yet.

 

Right now then, it's just depression that I'm really grappling with. It goes away at night as usual, I can usually counter it to some extent with exercise and positive self talk, and thus I feel it's mostly situational and tied to negative thinking. It just doesn't feel as thick and hopeless it once did, but I realize it's a precarious feeling as well. I'm so close to breaking through, I can sense it. Change is right there. It's like having a notion that some alternate universe is right there beside me, just a fingertip away and all I need to do is reach out and touch it. It's a strange feeling, but not so fleeting, not as much as when I last got my oil changed.

 

I'm going on vacation for two weeks, to try to recharge my batteries and maybe finally break through this funk for good. I haven't vacationed in over five years, just unplugged and let everything go. To be honest, I don't know what to do with myself though suggestions are always welcome. 

[[Ch...]]

Hi, BT....I have been following your posts for quite some time and know you haven't had it easy....and that is what makes your post even more hopeful for my own recovery.  I am disturbed about your work situation...is there no relief for the fact that you have been so not well for so long yet have continued to do your best for the job?  I tell you truly...I could NOT have worked at ALL and give you honor and respect for sticking with that.

Splitting with your GF is understandable, too.  When you are both well and it is meant to be you two will find each other again.  At this point I think you made the best decision for your health and well being as difficult as it is.

Keep healing and posting.....

[[Ch...]]

Also, you may be experiencing rebound depression from going off the Remeron, too...and of course Benzos cause rebound depression so there is reason to think the depression will lift soon.

[[er...]]

Hey Blandthrax,

 

Thanks for the update about how things are going for you.. I have just hit 10 months off, and I can really identify with a lot of what you're saying. 

 

At this point, I too, am very reflective about where I was last year vs. this year.  It helps me realize how much has changed and give me some gratitude for the progress that's been made.

 

I'm sorry about the relationship, but in the end, I think you'll be better off without someone who can actually drag us down.  I'm sure it's going to be hard to walk through, but when you're more healed, I bet you attract someone into your life who is more healthy.  As a friend reminds me all too often, "water seeks its own level".

 

I know first hand about this, because I am in a relationship with a girl who has plenty of her own issues, but won't admit to them, so that's frustrating.  She moved in with me a 1 1/2 years ago, and can really be a wet blanket at times.  We're in the process of breaking up, and it's tough, but I am trying to have faith that I will be better off without her.  This benzo w/d nightmare sure takes a toll on things.. Although I don't think my relationship would have worked out anyway, but it was tough on her that 6 weeks after she moved in, I suddenly decided to come off of benzos!  ugh, she definitely didn't get what she signed up for..  She helped me a lot, but I have been taking care of her for the last 6 months, so I guess it all evens out..

 

I'm glad you're off the remeron, I got off of something called, "risperdal" which was really damaging to me, and I'm recovering from that, as well as the benzos.  Are you having any bad effects from that?

 

I pray things go better for you at work, and I hope you don't have a knucklehead supervisor who is out to get you? 

 

(For me, I have trouble doing all of the things my job entails, and I'm sure I'll get called out on the carpet for that soon.  And, I will have to find another job in May, as I am at a school and don't have a job for the summer - but at least it's January now! : )

 

It's funny, that you decided to write when you were getting your oil changed, as you were able to remember where you were at last year.  I'm so glad you're doing better, you've been fighting hard for all of your progress.

 

I hope you have a great time on the vacation.  My only advice is to stay busy, and try to enjoy the moments!

 

Eric

[[wh...]]

You are doing so great !! 

Do you enjoy cooking ?  Maybe try that when you are on your vacation.

[[Tr...]]

Congratulations!! I am so happy for you .  It's great news, giving me hope. I am reaching 7 months in a week and half, but I am still having so much debilitating symptoms. The panic attacks, dp and dizziness really got me. However, I seem NOT to be afraid of them as I used to and I am coping better with them. I am hoping I will be much better in Month 7 and getting better further. Like you, I am working full time and pushing through each day with this hell going on. I will also start school next week but I don't know if I can handle 3 classes (my last 3 classes to get 3 certifications). If not, I can just take one and the rest the following semester. I am sorry about your gf but its okay, if its meant to be you two will find each other again.  I am glad my fiance loves and be there for me all the time even though he doesn't fully understand what i am going through.

 

Again, congrats and hope you reach 100% soon. Enjoy your vacation!

 

Tracy

[[bl...]]

I guess I'm not too overly worried about the job right now. My supervisor (editor) is the one who put the fear of god into me, but he's just tired of seeing me underperform. To be honest, I'm tired of underperforming too. I had what I felt was a good week and feel encouraged. My job is very cerebral (I'm a writer) so the head issues have really screwed me up and I've done the best I can despite my handicap. If I get through the next 3+ months and I can't save my job, I have only myself to blame.

 

My big boss, the owner of the company, the one who hired me in the first place has been very kind and patient with me. He's the one who told me to go on vacation in the first place, said it would help me get my head clear.

 

I don't think the ex-gf and I are going to get back together. She manic depressive (maybe even borderline personality) and has suicidal ideations. She blames everyone else for her problems, is angry, has a lot of hate in her heart. She resents me for my life and views. She's told me as much. I'd walk on eggshells around her and feel queasy when I was supposed to see her. She rarely smiled, would drink, smokes a lot of weed, seemed like she was always in a bad mood, rarely acted happy to see me, would get mad when I'd call her, used to take me to task on the most trivial issues. She's a lost soul right now and I'm just starting to find myself again, I don't want to go down that path.

 

You are doing so great !! 

Do you enjoy cooking ?  Maybe try that when you are on your vacation.

 

Yes, I enjoy cooking, but the benzos kind of removed my ability to do so, or at least it's been really hard. I used to want to be a chef, always had ideas about what to cook, could go to the grocery store and know exactly what to buy. Now, I don't know what the hell I'm doing most days. Gotta get that back.

 

 

[Guest [Ka...]]

Hi. I could tell you are a writer. Very articulate and profound; to the point. And smart and wise. I enjoy reading your posts, always good stuff for the soul and the recovery journey.

Thanks for the 9-month update. I imagined you sitting there, getting the oil changed, very interesting, enjoyable to read. I wish you the very best with the job stuff.

I write also, and I understand now how artists, writers, creative people get (this is me) when they're in a "dry spell".  Sometimes I "thrive" on conflict, but not really (I use it, and try to channel it so it doesn't create me). Or I take the conflict and put it into metaphor and rhyme. Or I take one deep feeling and match it with a different one and let the feelings converse in verse and chorus. Bridges are always the easiest piece of the song...change the key, and say anything...(ha, I'm simplifying here to amuse you and myself!).

Here's a recipe for vacation; Wherever you go, don't pack your problems. All problems and crap don't go with you.

Do anything/something different. Wear a different hat...

Meet lots of single people who interest you. Get your groove back. (hmmmm, that could mean alot of different things...)

Join in on any group activities (if they exist).

Take the boat ride out on the ocean to see the caves or whatever spectacular natural features are at your destination. Look into the type of geology, and/or features that are particularly cool, wherever you go. Talk to locals about local history, etc. Meet some locals.

Eat at small, cool, excellent local eateries.

Take a sketch notebook and sketch wildflowers, rock formations, and/or exotic trees/plants.

Go dancing at night. Stay out late and/or stay up for the sunrise with a stranger.

Watch the sun come up in a stranger's arms...

Do any far-out things that you might think are cool or scary.

Dive into the fears and don't let them get you.

Peace, Karuna

 

 

 

 

[[bl...]]

All good tips Karuna. I wish I had more analog friends like you. I have a feeling I could learn a lot from you. 

 

I have great expectations for this vacation. It goes back to that awareness. That feeling just beyond my comprehension. It's subtle and sublime, just a hint of a taste of something in the air. I sense it, and I edge toward it, feeling my way, slowly making out its form.

 

Having gone through the taper, the jump, the acute, the recovery, I never had this feeling, which isn't even fully formed. Calling it hope is too easy. I've always had hope. This is something else. Perhaps it's just me, the rest of me, returning at long last. I don't know.

 

What I do know is that I've been viewing things from inside the abyss for so long. I'd become a nihilist, believing in nothing, not seeing the point in anything. Now, I ask what I can do about my reality and I have answers: learn from the past and discard it, move toward the future and don't dwell on it, own the present and live in it.

 

It's strange not to know a feeling, but at the same time, it's wonderful and empowering. There's my life, I just need to step through and claim it.

[[on...]]

Blandthrax- SO good to hear from you!! You deserve a great vacation after all you have been through. Hope it is a relaxing time for you! I really appreciate your honesty in detailing your remaining symptoms- it really helps me when I try to put in perspective where I am symptom wise and in evaluating my own progress. I wish the best for you in 2017 as you continue on your benzo free future. Maybe at some point during this new year we will both be able to say we have broken through  and found ourselves again.

[[bl...]]

Hi, thanks all for your support and kind words.

 

My biggest issue at the moment is stress. It's the aftermath of living in a state of almost perpetual anxiety for the past year, that even on days when I felt calm, the angst and fear wasn't too far away. This has had a profound effect on me and I'm starting to unwind myself from it. On the one hand, it's upsetting and sad, on the other hand, it makes me happy and pleased that I am actually starting to work on it.

 

I realized today that I have been longing for death in lieu of this life. The depression, which I've so desperately searched for a solution to, is the result of simply being stressed for so long. It has tapped me and worn me down leaving me with nothing else but exhaustion and unhappiness.

 

That said, one of my biggest stressors, my ex-girlfriend, is gone. I wanted so much to find someone who loved me and was kind, but she ended up pushing me into places that I shouldn't have had to have gone. I look back at the five months I spent with her and realize just how much she stressed me out. It would be laughable if I didn't feel so sick from it.

 

But, she is gone, and as the sadness and guilt fades, it is slowly replaced with relief, that thank god, no more of that. No more angry texts and demands, no more nonsensical break-ups for no good reason, no more resentful tirades. I'm having a delayed reaction. I've been sort of living in a state of heightened awareness, ready to react, to attend to yet another meltdown, and now I don't have to ... I'm not sure how long it takes for the effects from someone like that to wear off, but I'll be glad when it does.

 

Now, I just need to chill, but I'm feeling better about my prospects. This morning I even had a moment of rare joy where I felt good. Imagine! I'd not felt that way for many many months, not in the morning, not after just waking. I felt good! I believe if I can have those moments, then more are on their way.

[Guest [Ka...]]

Hi there! Sounds like you are going through (learning as I am too) the Self Care of emotions; Seeking emotionally healthy lifestyle/friends. In 12-Step they call it "Emotional Sobriety". I'm having to cut out the things/people even the anger; parts of my life/me that were some of the reasons (as well as the anxiety which is was originally prescribed for...anxiety which basically morphed/replace with other stuff); I stayed on Xanax 3 years...Today I'm at 11 months off (yea...) and now I see very much more clearly more of my tendencies. Eye-opening realizations, and the areas I need to work on in me. Can't change other people, only myself. Love on ya, Karuna

[[bl...]]

That's pretty much what I have been learning over the course of the past week, particularly today. For example, I have dealing with headaches, every day, it's not however, something caused by benzos, rather it's all the tension I carry in my neck and shoulders. I notice though, that my headaches get worse when I think about her. It's almost like she's a trigger for headaches. I spent most of the day on the beach in an state of utter relaxation and on the way home, I began to think about her because I miss her, strange as that sounds.

 

Then I remembered this one incident where she was dealing with some unpleasantness on Facebook involving some other girls and I got home, coincidentally from the beach and utterly relaxed, she starts texting me how these girls are "ripping her to shreds". So, expressing concern, I asked her what she meant ... and you'd think I would've gotten some half-formed answer telling me what was going on, but instead, what I got were accusations. "Why should I have to prove they're ripping me to shreds? Why can't you just believe me? I thought you had my back!"

 

And, it went on like this, not for hours, or days, but well over a week. She was beside herself with grief that not only were these girls being mean to her, but that I was so callous as to ask what she meant by them "ripping her to shreds." I thought of this, talked it out, and by the time I was done, my headache was back. "Hmmmm," I thought, "I wonder if there's a connection?" Ya think? Maybe. I'm pretty sure there is.

 

What a strange relationship this was, and now I'm left with a teetering career and chronic stress and daily headaches. No matter, I try to find the reason I'm here now, and I think the reason was to bring me to this point where I realized that I need to make internal changes. I need to react to and take on stress in a very different way because, stress is what got me on benzos, and stress will lead me back if I don't take action.

 

I'm reading a book on how to overcome stress, it's been quite insightful so far, and the author says I need to pick three qualities that I want to concentrate on when seeking what you call "emotional sobriety". I chose calmness, communication, and faith. The last one seems the most important. I need to have faith, in myself, in other people, and this process. I need to believe that I am capable of change and that my life isn't going to go down in flames.

 

Right now I waver between moments of great calm and aggravating anxiety, but I have come to realize with shocking understanding that all these moments are entirely based on my thinking. Like, the minute I start thinking of threats or about the ex or my job, the anxiety comes racing back in. It's becoming an incredibly powerful and motivating tool, for the minute I can distract myself for just five minutes, the anxiety virtually disappears. The more I do this, the better I become. I could never do this before and now, if I can just blank my mind, or occupy it with something else, I feel better, the stomach ache lets up and the headache eases and I feel more like my old self.

 

I've taken to listening to comedy bits on Pandora, all day, and I laugh and laugh and laugh. I want to get to the point where I laugh enough that I no longer find it shocking or notable. I just want to laugh as if it's oxygen and I'm breathing.

[[Kr...]]

I was going to comment on how beautifully written your opening post was, then got to the second where you said you were a writer!!  Maybe you should ask your boss if you can work 'night shift' instead of mornings (i have no idea if that's possible lol). 

 

I'm 7 months out, and working part-time and am noticing a huge difference.  I don't start work until midday though, and in the mornings I am definitely flat.  I don't know whether it's because I'm coming out of the fog but not yet in the sun, or whether it's because I do have a lot of pieces to pick up after my 3 years tolerance withdrawal and 7 months withdrawal (and one year of not working). 

 

I'm glad you're seeing clearly re your GF.  It sounds a little 'co-dependant' of her to split up with you for wanting some space, and yes, you don't have to take responsibility for her 'shooting herself in the foot'.    My relationship is what I call 'taming of the shrew part 3', and my partner and I just don't load rubbish onto each other;  we were almost mercenary about it for a while, but I have learned to express myself, rather than expect him to read my mind, and I don't play games unless they're for my own survival (i.e. i don't bate him like your GF has done to you).  I guess she has a lot to learn and you have to decide whether you're going to be the vehicle for that learning curve.  She may learn faster by you not going back ....

 

I hope the depression is just a chemical state and will pass soon.  The only time I ever had depression was at the beginning of tolerance, and I remember the 'grey just not going away'.  I should have told my Dr and revisited the pills I was taking (doh)..... I went out and bought a new car instead and carried on, in denial, taking the zopiclone.

 

Now I'm struggling to keep the car at all, so I'm picking up the pieces.  Two weeks ago I was in a panic as to whether I'd be able to emotionally handle any changes, but, on a good day now, I know I can. 

 

I really hope you're having a good day now too, and can see your most wonderful future.  Your integrity is in tact so I hope you can take away the guilt at not performing (guilt = wasted emotion = unnecessary burden), that the depression will lift,  and and you can just put your best foot forward 'on a clean slate'.    Hey BIG congratulations and thanks so much for sharing xxx .

[[bl...]]

I was going to comment on how beautifully written your opening post was, then got to the second where you said you were a writer!!  Maybe you should ask your boss if you can work 'night shift' instead of mornings (i have no idea if that's possible lol). 

 

I'm 7 months out, and working part-time and am noticing a huge difference.  I don't start work until midday though, and in the mornings I am definitely flat.  I don't know whether it's because I'm coming out of the fog but not yet in the sun, or whether it's because I do have a lot of pieces to pick up after my 3 years tolerance withdrawal and 7 months withdrawal (and one year of not working). 

 

I'm glad you're seeing clearly re your GF.  It sounds a little 'co-dependant' of her to split up with you for wanting some space, and yes, you don't have to take responsibility for her 'shooting herself in the foot'.    My relationship is what I call 'taming of the shrew part 3', and my partner and I just don't load rubbish onto each other;  we were almost mercenary about it for a while, but I have learned to express myself, rather than expect him to read my mind, and I don't play games unless they're for my own survival (i.e. i don't bate him like your GF has done to you).  I guess she has a lot to learn and you have to decide whether you're going to be the vehicle for that learning curve.  She may learn faster by you not going back ....

 

I hope the depression is just a chemical state and will pass soon.  The only time I ever had depression was at the beginning of tolerance, and I remember the 'grey just not going away'.  I should have told my Dr and revisited the pills I was taking (doh)..... I went out and bought a new car instead and carried on, in denial, taking the zopiclone.

 

Now I'm struggling to keep the car at all, so I'm picking up the pieces.  Two weeks ago I was in a panic as to whether I'd be able to emotionally handle any changes, but, on a good day now, I know I can. 

 

I really hope you're having a good day now too, and can see your most wonderful future.  Your integrity is in tact so I hope you can take away the guilt at not performing (guilt = wasted emotion = unnecessary burden), that the depression will lift,  and and you can just put your best foot forward 'on a clean slate'.    Hey BIG congratulations and thanks so much for sharing xxx .

 

What a lovely reply to wake to. Thank you so much!

 

You're right, at the very least it is co-dependent, and perhaps a lot more. Further, I realize it would be co-dependent of me to cave into the temptation to reach out and take her back. It's co-dependent of me to feel like I have to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled, especially one that proved time and time again to be toxic.

 

It's easy to cast blame, especially on myself. It's difficult to absolve myself. I think I've just become so accustomed to dumping blame upon myself, that I no longer know another way.

 

At this point, I am working on finding my peace. I am learning that any stressful thoughts that occur are simply that: thoughts. I am practicing not entertaining them, seeing them instead as clouds which obscure the blue sky of my mind.

[[il...]]

Thrilled you're doing so much better. And proud of you!

 

It took me getting to 11 months to feel the biggest turn yet, when I actually started feeling normal way more of the time than not. Just keep going. You'll get there. Hell your big turn could be tomorrow. Time is the healer. It turns on a dime. Everything we've been told since the beginning unfolds right before our very eyes.

 

I'm sure it's difficult going through what you're going through with your gf/ex, but it's also a good thing you're putting yourself first. You'll heal quicker/better.

 

Just keep going! Gets better and better!

[[bl...]]

Thrilled you're doing so much better. And proud of you!

 

It took me getting to 11 months to feel the biggest turn yet, when I actually started feeling normal way more of the time than not. Just keep going. You'll get there. Hell your big turn could be tomorrow. Time is the healer. It turns on a dime. Everything we've been told since the beginning unfolds right before our very eyes.

 

I'm sure it's difficult going through what you're going through with your gf/ex, but it's also a good thing you're putting yourself first. You'll heal quicker/better.

 

Just keep going! Gets better and better!

 

Thanks Steve, you're right, and I'm at least strong enough now to push back at the intrusive thoughts that invade my head and clutter reality. That's the difference at this point, the thoughts versus reality. My thoughts, and then how I react to them. I have to say, "these are just thoughts, they are not me nor are they necessarily how things really are," and then just move on from there.

 

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was blessed to feel calm. One friend remarked that I really seemed down, and maybe I was, but I felt calm too wherein the thoughts were coming at me one at a time and for each one that entered my head, I was able to easily address it. I like that feeling. I would like to feel that way all the time.

[[il...]]

And in a couple more weeks, you'll have to try even less.

 

I just said recently to someone - I never truly believed what the healed said. I just hung onto hope like my life depended on. (Because it did) but, I'm telling you, soon you won't even have to put effort into it because it'll that much better. Hell I'd write a success story but, and I don't know why, I said I won't until I'm 100%, 100% of the time and I still have a few symptoms.

 

Be proud of yourself. Look at what we went through. This was unworldly. Inhumane. Evil. It was something no one should ever have to go through. But we did. We're graduating soon. I *know* you're right behind me.

 

Keep trucking. Always here to chat if you need.

 

 

Steve

Healed, Class of '17 😉😂🤣

[[bl...]]

Some days, like today, I still don't believe what the healed say! Maybe I just didn't sleep well last night or it's the dream I had before I woke. Maybe it's the headache and pressure and fog. I don't know. Maybe it's all of the above. It's days like today I feel like I'm back in acute. Then again, I haven't felt like this in weeks so I know it will pass.