10 months off of clonazepam - much better than last year!

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Hello Fellow BB’s!

 

I haven’t posted to this section in 6 months, and I thought I’d share a bit of my recovery story with you all, as the “celebrations” and “success stories” parts of this web site have given me much needed hope when I couldn’t really see any.

 

Basically, I was on benzos for about 8 years and had an awful time tapering for about 7 months.  I didn’t do my homework to learn how to properly taper off of these drugs, and I paid a heavy price for my ignorance.  I had no idea that coming off of “my clonazepam” would cause such a significant brain injury, and create an absolutely terrible, long-term upheaval in my life.

 

In August of 2015, when I finally faced the fact that I couldn’t retain anything I read anymore, I instinctively knew that it had to be because of the clonazepam I had been taking daily for years, and decided it had to go.  I had always liked reading and I’ve learned a lot from reading, so I just couldn’t imagine going forward in my life without the ability to comprehend anything I read.  I also had an uncomfortable, sneaking suspicion that if my reading ability was so compromised, then there were probably other areas I wasn’t aware of, that were suffering as well.

 

Although this has all been a more painful journey than I could have possibly imagined at the outset of it, I don’t regret my decision to stop taking benzos, whatever the cost.  I have learned that it is practically impossible to be “well” while on benzos, and that much of my troubles over the last 8 (now 9) years were most likely caused by me, taking those God forsaken pills that are innocently positioned to us as “medicine.” 

 

While on clonazepam, I came to know very dark depressions, and was forever trying to get “well”.  Before I started on benzos, I had been an optimistic, ambitious, cheerful, and happy go lucky person, yet upon looking back, I realize benzos slowly took all of that from me, and I wasn’t able to be happy while on them. 

 

(However, I’ll try not to dwell on all of that crap here, as that’s not much of a “celebration” : )

 

My “celebration” at this point, mainly lies in the differences between where I was at last year, versus where I am at this year.

 

Briefly, last year, I thought I had totally “blown it” with my life.  I believed I was seeing what it was like to be “permanently disabled”, and I was plagued by terrible fears of going broke, being evicted, living on the streets, and not being able to take that, killing myself.  I was shocked that my life might be doomed to end in such a tragedy.  I couldn’t really remember anything I knew or had done, my ability to speak was practically gone, I couldn’t really write, and things like vacuuming seemed nearly impossible.  I was in constant anxiety, and simple things simply terrified me.  My future prospects seemed incredibly dim, and I was always beating myself up, for “what I had done to myself.”  In short, last year, I felt like everything I had worked on to become the person I was, was just ripped away from me, and I was left feeling like a mentally challenged 6 year old in an adult body, with adult responsibilities.

 

Now, it’s tough to even re-visit that state of mind..

 

This year, 10 months off of my last benzo, and 3 months off of another bad drug called, “risperdal”, I am well on my way towards recovery.  I have been exercising hard, for the last 6 months, and that has done a tremendous amount of good for me.  I am working at a school again, in a diminished capacity, but for now, it’s good, and I am able to show up for work.  My anxiety levels are manageable, and my brain no longer feels like it is liquid, sloshing around in my head.  I am conversational now, and I am able to clean and cook without much of an effort.  My memory is slowly coming back online, and my heart has been fine since about 3 months after my jump.  My confidence is re-generating, and my physical appearance is slowly improving.  My eyesight has returned to normal and most of my senses are improving.  The tinnitus is not really loud and constant, it has retreated to more of a “background noise”.  I sleep fairly well, and I dream regularly. 

 

Of course there are many other differences, but I hope I’m getting the point across, that, (as impossible as it seems), we do improve, over time.  I’ve read before, (and I agree with it), that our main job is to survive long enough, for enough time to go by, so that we eventually heal from this nightmare.

 

So where am I at now?

 

I’m still dealing with some symptoms, which are mostly cognitive, but there are some physical ones as well.  Some of these are: cog fog, difficulty in retrieving memories / words, muscle pain, sinus issues, frequent urination, emotional blunting, apathy or laziness, lack of ambition, weak cns, and there are probably others, but these are the ones that come to mind now.

 

For me, this whole experience creates a need for “radical acceptance” so I have accepted that it’s going to take a long time to fully heal, despite what others may think.  For now, I have simplified my life into just trying to take care of the basics, as in: food, clothing, and shelter.  I have given myself permission to put all of my past hopes and dreams on hold.  I accept that I have sustained a brain injury, and am just doing the best I can to take care of my body daily, so that one day I might heal, and not inherit a body that is in need of serious repair.

 

I know it’s very rough, as it takes so long to heal, and we are in significant discomfort from our symptoms, and there don’t seem to be any magic bullets to heal us faster.  However, I thought I’d share a few things I've done that have helped me get by..

 

Some things that have worked for me:

 

Rest

TV - netflix, amazon

Ibuprophin

zzzquils to help me sleep

Sleep Hypnosis recording

not putting myself into stressful situations unnecessarily

Avoiding arguments

AA meetings / fellowship

Lots of Vitamin C

Protein Shakes

Fruit smoothies with probiotics

Staying away from "breads"

Saying "NO" many times to my Doctor, when he tried to get me to take additional drugs

Exercise / Exercise / Exercise

A German diet product called, "almased" - (this has been the best dietary change I've made and really helped with "benzo belly")

Prayer

Patience

Quicken

"Solarcaine" - a product for sunburn with a numbing agent that helps for itchy, burning skin

Realizing that most people are so caught up in their own worlds, that they don't really notice me, and that I'm "cognitively impaired"

Lemonade

Lemon Popsicles 

 

I’ve written a lot more than I intended to, so just to wrap this up, after 10 months without a benzo, I'm doing a lot better than when I finished my taper.  I remember having 5 days off, telling my doctor, and being in complete disbelief that I'd accomplished that.. and now, it's been more than 300 days!  I managed to survive getting off of the Risperdal too, so I am grateful for that as well.. Basically, I lost my soul and all the good things that made it fun to be me to these drugs and I don't think that's much of an exaggeration.. Now, like you all, I'm working hard to get it all back.

 

Sometimes I feel almost “normal”, but that doesn't last long.. It comes and goes.. I get periods of feeling like my head is on straight, and then (all of sudden) it's not anymore, so I continue trudging on, hoping for the next time I feel connected.  Sometimes, when I'm stretching in the gym at the beginning of my workout, I look at my eyes in the mirror and get bummed out, because I feel I look so dazed and stupid.. But, I go on with the workout, and afterwards, when I'm stretching and looking in the same mirror, my eyes look sharp again, and I think I look smart, but then wonder if I could write a good essay again?  I guess it's all about practice and perseverance and trying to live in faith, and not in fear.. I pray that I'll be able to write good essays again (and regain all other cognitive abilities I had before taking benzos..)

 

Well, if you read this far, I want to thank you, and let you know your attention span is good!  I thank God for BB and all of you, and I pray we all heal 100%, re-gain our lives, and help others avoid benzos in the future.

 

Thanks for all of your support, and just keep up the good fight!

 

Eric 

 

[[su...]]

Eric,

Thank you for the very honest assessment of how things have changed for you.  I'm jumping soon and I'm afraid of what is ahead of me.  I'm glad that you're improving and notice the positives, and I hope you get to that place of peace and contentment that so many people assure us is at the end of this road.

It sounds like you are doing all of the right things to care for yourself, and it is generous of you to write this post. 

[[Wa...]]

Wow!  Wish I could be more eloquent    I identify with what you wrote so much and it's comforting to know someone else has faced these roadblocks and is making a way through.

 

[[il...]]

Everyone recovers from this and we're both well on our way. The lingering symptoms damper down as time goes on and soon, our CNS's will restore 100%.

 

Proud of you man. Just keep going.

[[er...]]

Eric,

Thank you for the very honest assessment of how things have changed for you.  I'm jumping soon and I'm afraid of what is ahead of me.  I'm glad that you're improving and notice the positives, and I hope you get to that place of peace and contentment that so many people assure us is at the end of this road.

It sounds like you are doing all of the right things to care for yourself, and it is generous of you to write this post.

 

Hi Sunday,

 

Thanks so much for your feedback.. I think, since you've done a careful taper, that you won't have much trouble, or an intense "acute" after you "jump" from clonazepam.  I'm sure it will be more of what you're feeling now, and then it will lessen over time.  For me, the taper was much, much worse than jumping.

 

Today, I actually had a few hours of really feeling good, (not too smart yet), but feeling physically good, and much more of a "connection" to the world around me, so that is very refreshing and nice to know that "it's still in there somewhere", and that this will improve over time.  Thanks again for your well wishes, and I hope you will heal quickly after your jump!

 

Eric

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Nicely done, I think you'll be even more surprised at yourself when you discover that you're no longer comparing your benzo self to your new self. I notice this less and less but when I do, I have to take a moment and say, "huh, how about that?" I used to catalog every difference, like this different and this is so much better and so on. Now I often do stuff and don't notice at all. I think sometimes the noticing actually produces anxiety, and sometimes it is a relief. The thing I look forward to though, is the day when I don't notice anything at all.

[[su...]]

Is month 7 typically bad for people? 

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Is month 7 typically bad for people? 

 

Depends on the person. It's definitely better than being in acute.

[[er...]]

Everyone recovers from this and we're both well on our way. The lingering symptoms damper down as time goes on and soon, our CNS's will restore 100%.

 

Proud of you man. Just keep going.

 

Hey "I'll never do this again!" (Steve),

 

thanks man, good to hear from you - I know we're getting better everyday we're off of this poison!  I'm also dealing with the "discontinuation syndrome" from the risperdal which sucks too, but I'm soo glad I'm off of that shit as well!  Congratulations on getting the new job!

 

Eric

[[Mb...]]

Eric, this is beautiful. I feel like you have written everything thats been in my heart and on my mind, that I just couldn't express. No matter how hard i try. Thank you so much for this. God bless you.

Love, 😀😀

[[on...]]

Eric- so glad you are feeling that progress has been made in your journey. Your suggestions for things to help get by I found very insightful. In particular- avoiding stressful situations if possible, avoiding arguments, patience and rest. I have tried all those and found them to be very helpful for me. Also you mention having a radical acceptance of where you are- I have had a hard time accepting that I have not healed yet but recently I have been doing a better job at that acceptance- it is either acceptance or being dragged down under. Finally, you mention that you  simplified  your  life-  I think that  is also a great suggestion-simplifying  allows you to  just try to focus on you and the battle at hand- surviving benzo withdrawal. Thanks for posting all this!  I think many will be helped!