10 Months Clean

[[Ni...]]

This is my first post on here although I have been visiting this site regularly for the last few months. This website is such a powerful tool. The biggest aid in going through such abnormality is knowing that it's perfectly normal.

I started using benzos daily in 2011. For the next 5 years, I would alternate between xanax, Valium and various other online benzo analogues. The strength that i was taking is debatable as I would purchase from whatever online pill vendor who was still in business. I shudder thinking about how low my standards and self respect became. However, what fueled a 5 year addiction was my hubris and false, chemical confidence. I told myself that I earned a law degree, there's no problem. I told myself I had friends old and new, there's no problem. I rationalized myself deeper into addiction, day by day. In December 2015, I ran out of my then benzo supply of 'flubramozolam,' a potent benzo research chemical, so naturally it was time to re-up. My life was about to change. Over the next few weeks, I received about 3 different shipments of benzos or benzo research chemicals that were no match for my tolerance. At the time I had no idea what to make of it. Now, I believe that the previous supply I had been taking for 3 months prior was so strong that the new stuff I was getting just couldn't catch up. Anyway, I was a mess. And I stayed that way for the next 2 months while I was studying for my state's bar exam. Anxious, ackward, depressed and never sleeping more than 2 hours at a time. The day after I completed the bar exam, I had my Road to Demascus moment. I could scower the internet for better drugs or I could seek change. I told my family what had been going on. Just telling someone about a 5 year secret illicit habit was therapeutic in and of itself. Very shameful, but man it felt good. I'm still surprised that no one in my life knew about my benzo addiction. Sure I didn't use it to get high as we like to say, but still...As you can see I am still proud of how good of a drug addict I was. Anyway, the day after I took the bar exam, I checked into detox. It was the greatest thing I ever did. 6 days after that, I checked out. Detox was the scariest place I had ever been. I mean to be in a place almost like jail with people that fit all the stereotypes of drug addicts WHILE FEELING LIKE I AM TRIPPING ON ACID. It was nuts, no pun intended. Leaving the treatment facility, I had no idea but my real work was just starting. Because I was more anxious, more depressed, but at least I was sleeping thanks to the seroquel they tried to get me hooked on. I dropped it along with lexapro shortly after leaving detox because I'm a stubborn drug addict who has to do things my way. I honestly had the nerve to think to myself and tell people that I was not going to get hooked on lexapro and seroquel out of some sort of self righteousness. This after 5 years of putting pills packed in clandestine labs throughout east Asia  in my body. We are interesting people. Anyway, I left detox feeling like a shell of myself. I isolated myself. Not only afraid of human interaction, but more afraid of myself and my inability to perform like I used to. Days went by. Weeks. After a month, I decided to go to a crowded restaurant. Anxiety and paranoia were off the charts. But it wasn't so bad. 2 months out, I started playing tennis regularly with a friend of mine. 3 months out, it clicked. The more I was doing, the better I was getting. My therapist referred to it as 'exposure therapy.' It makes perfect sense. For 5 years, my nervous system, neurons, brain regions, etc. have functioned with benzos. Now I remove that powerful drug and I have to reacllimate to everything. Not as dramatic as relearning everything, but definitely becoming comfortable with everything. So I just kept throwing myself into the unease. 7 months out was a big point for me. I can't recall anything specific. But i knew I was back to normal+. Now I am 10 months out, far from perfect, but very happy. I am preparing to take the bar exam again, which yes I failed last February(lol), and its crazy to think how far I've come. I still remember telling that doctor in detox that I felt like I was ina bad acid trip. Bottom line-if I can do it any one can do it. I did nothing special except FACE THE FEAR. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It's life and it's what separates the men from the boys. The immature person does not acknowledge the uncomfortable, while the mature person has been practicing living through it his entire life that it's really not so bad. What has helped me personally the last 10 months besides what I have mentioned? Abstaining from alcohol and other substances; Reading (especially psychology related-"the power of now" "coming to our senses" "way of the peaceful warrior" highly recommended); having an exit strategy for situations where I know I will be challenged(I've never used the exit strategy but having it helps more than you know); fostering relationships with family and friends(can't stress this enough) (YOU CANNOT LEARN WHO U R BY URSELF)(Casual friends have become best friends and vice versa over the last 10 months); exercising daily(every day. Our bodies are created to function at far higher levels than our daily habits allow)(thinking about how pissed off you are that you started using in the first place is very productive when you are trying to get those last few reps in); seeing a therapist(never thought I'd be a shrink guy, but it's a game changer-it's like having your own personal life assistant coach who can sort through the bs you have created in your mind); honesty; BEING OPEN TO TRYING NEW THINGS; BEING COMFORTABLE WITH DOING THINGS I DONT WANT TO-the depressed and anxious mind will convince you that you don't want to do anything if you let it, but in my experience, joy is found in the most random places. Moods are temporary

[[Ch...]]

Welcome to BenzoBuddies, NickJD.

 

Great story and glad to hear you're already feeling so much better!  I'm not sure you need  Post Withdrawal Support, but here's a link if so. 

 

You may just want to go straight to Success Stories and post how well things are going for you. 

 

Please take some time to Create a Signature. This will help other members understand your history so they will be better able to support you.

Go to the top of the page and select Profile, then choose Forum Profile, insert drug history/timelines into the text box and click Change Profile.

 

Challis

[[Ka...]]

FANTASTIC story. Needed this today. Exposure therapy has been the hardest thing for me, but I understand it's necessary. Driving is the hardest thing for me, so forcing myself to do it everyday is what I must do.