Nonlinear progress with sleep

[[te...]]

I know we all can relate to this! While those of us recovering/healing notice general upward trends in improvement, a lot of times there aren't patterns that make sense. It can be so frustrating!

 

I've only been struggling with this for 4+ months, which I know is a very short time compared to many others. I also only took benzos for only a week (started after panic induced insomnia started). I've had ups and downs over the past few months, and have tried many different strategies, including trying totally letting go and not caring. I think this whole thing has taught me a lot about myself, and also opened my mind up to a lot of things I wouldn't have thought of before.

 

The upward trend has been more consistant lately, but there are stil rough nights every week. Being on vacation has been both a blessing and a curse. Not having to be up at certain times to get to work has taken a lot of pressure off. But, sleeping in different places, having to stay up late for events, etc has thrown me off too. One positive that happened was I actually was able to go back to sleep the other morning after waking several times and stayed in bed past 9am! That was crazy for me! That never happens. I have continued to wake up frequently at night, there were two nights I would wake up and be up between 2-4 hours until I could get back to sleep, and I still do have the sleep onset thing (it takes anywhere from 1-2 hours to fall asleep, though my husband sometimes says he thinks I am sleeping when I don't realize it). Last night I was awake til 3am and just allowed myself to take a unisom because I just wanted some assistance, and it helped. Still super tired though! I really would love to have nights where I could sleep straight through the whole night, or at least sleep 5-6 hours straight without waking up to pee or toss and turn. I'll take what I can get through. I have learned so much from all this. I have also learned a lot of people I know struggle with this too, and that fact has helped me feel less alone.

 

Also, a huge life realization came about because of this. Being forced to be awake at night made me realize how crappy a lot of my life is, and that I was deeply dissatisfied with a lot of aspects of life. It has forced me to take a look at things and try to make some big life changes. We will see how things turn out. Anyone else had some big epiphanies from their insomnia?

 

Anyone else want to share how they are doing with their progress and how insomnia has actually helped them with life changes?

[[Qu...]]

I totally relate to what you are saying! I'm a short term benzo user too, but my insomnia started in May, so I am 2 or 3 months further down the line.

 

I have learned to value sleep like I never did before, but my early wakenings have shown me how much I have been missing in the past. I never saw the sun rise in the winter, and I have decided I am going to keep my 'early to bed' routine when this is over. I'm actually looking forward to the spring, and getting up early when the weather is warmer!

 

My sleep improved in November. I keep a diary so I can remind myself of good runs. I get several 1 - 2 hour sleeps each night, once or twice got 4 hours !!!!! after being awake for a day or two. I don't worry about these short sleeps since I read up about sleep cycles, and that it is fairly natural - we just wake a bit more than we should, and remember more than usual.

 

I hope your sleep continues to improve, it makes such a difference to how you feel all day.

 

 

[[te...]]

Thank you so much for your reply! YES, about the sunrises! I have really enjoyed watching them especially while on vacation here on the east coast. For some reason they seem more brighter here than on the west coast, LOL. And I also love early to bed, early to rise. Before this all started most nights I went to bed at 8pm and was up at 4am to go running with my friends or go to the gym. It's a great way to start the day!

 

The diary sounds like a good idea, especially if it's in a gratitude type mode. I need to do more reading on sleep cycles, but that makes sense! I have read that some of us have different sleep patterns anyway, and that historically humans slept in shifts so it's kind of in our DNA. I have actually never minded waking in the middle of the night before this all started, because it just allowed me to have some peace and quiet and then I knew I still could sleep for a few more hours. Interesting how perspective makes us think differently about things.

 

Last night I slept for 12 hours, broken-up. So crazy, and I'm sure it's going to mess with tonight, but I'm happy my body can still do that!! I was exhausted from staying up late two nights in a row with friends, and for new year's I couldn't sleep until 3am w/unisom.

 

Thanks again for your post

[[me...]]

tealwater--I have a lot to say about what you posted, but we are picking up the dog! I will get back to you later...

[[te...]]

tealwater--I have a lot to say about what you posted, but we are picking up the dog! I will get back to you later...

 

I'm so glad you get to pick him up!!! Looking forward to your response!!

[[MT...]]

I haven't made a lot of progress in the sleep department but I can identify with some positive things happen. Between CFS and all the meds I took I used to be very weak all of the time. I couldn't exercise or participate in much. Mornings I was always out of it and hated them. While I may feel exhausted all of the time, I'm thrilled to be able to exercise and hike some. And mornings are a new experience. I can see, and sometimes enjoy sunrises, and spend some time with my husband. I used to get up at the very last minute then rush to wherever I had to go. Now I have all of this time to read the paper, do devotions, meditate and just move slowly, more mindfully. There are gifts during this process and we need to look for them. We've all learned what a precious miracle sleep is. I doubt we'll ever take it for granted again.

[[al...]]

Recovery is full of ups and downs. A few months ago I actually posted my success story only to be hit by a long wave that has yet to abate. Some of my current nights have been just about as bad as my first months of withdrawal, but at least I can handle it better than I did in the past. I hoping that long late waves are followed by longer windows.

[[Qu...]]

Wow, 12 hours tw, that's amazing! I'm glad you had a good holiday and were able to socialize. I chickened out, and carried on with my 9:30 bedtime.

 

I found Colin Espie's book very reassuring about sleep homeostasis and sleep cycles. His sleep restriction methodology didn't work at all for me in acute withdrawal, but now I am further on, I find strict bedtimes do help. Sleep anthropology is fascinating too, there's an interesting website howsleepworks which includes a section on primitive cultures.

 

My diary is very loose, red blob for less than 2 hours, orange up to 4, yellow up to 5, green over 5. I had to introduce a new colour recently when I cobbled together 7 - that's a blue star! When I start having bad nights, it's helpful to look back and see how bad stretches have always been followed by several greens in the past, so will be again.

 

Something else I got from this experience is learning mindfulness meditation and all the great stuff on youtube like Michael Sealey. If I had that before, I never would have needed benzos in the first place.

 

I hope we all continue to improve.

[[te...]]

I haven't made a lot of progress in the sleep department but I can identify with some positive things happen. Between CFS and all the meds I took I used to be very weak all of the time. I couldn't exercise or participate in much. Mornings I was always out of it and hated them. While I may feel exhausted all of the time, I'm thrilled to be able to exercise and hike some. And mornings are a new experience. I can see, and sometimes enjoy sunrises, and spend some time with my husband. I used to get up at the very last minute then rush to wherever I had to go. Now I have all of this time to read the paper, do devotions, meditate and just move slowly, more mindfully. There are gifts during this process and we need to look for them. We've all learned what a precious miracle sleep is. I doubt we'll ever take it for granted again.

 

I totally hear you - I feel like I am noticing "the little things" more and living more fully now, appreciating the moments where I feel okay and being grateful for so many things I took for granted before. This really is a learning experience where we come out on the other side as stronger people. So glad you can exercise and hike some now!! Hiking and trail running are my salvation, and my favorite activities to do, hands down.

[[te...]]

Recovery is full of ups and downs. A few months ago I actually posted my success story only to be hit by a long wave that has yet to abate. Some of my current nights have been just about as bad as my first months of withdrawal, but at least I can handle it better than I did in the past. I hoping that long late waves are followed by longer windows.

 

Aloha, you are so amazing! I've said it before, but you have such a positive attitude about everything. I think we learn from everything an it certainly helps us manage rough days/nights that still come up - I also see this whole thing as "training" for other tough crap in life. If I can get through this, I can get through anything! Including running all those 100 mile ultramarathons I aspire to do. Those people who do 100 milers don't sleep... they run straight into the night for anywhere from 24-36 hours. I tell myself this process has been training for that! haha! Fingers crossed for longer windows that never shut for us all are you home from vacation yet? we leave our current place today, and head to a different location for a few nights and then back home to the west coast.

[[me...]]

Also, a huge life realization came about because of this. Being forced to be awake at night made me realize how crappy a lot of my life is, and that I was deeply dissatisfied with a lot of aspects of life. It has forced me to take a look at things and try to make some big life changes. We will see how things turn out. Anyone else had some big epiphanies from their insomnia?

 

Lying awake at night for hours can be dreadful when the mind starts to focus on things that aren't all that positive. That's why I was on the AD for so many years--it helped quite a bit with the 4 O'clockies. I do think though, that insomniacs tend towards depression and vice versa, they are definitely related. I would be careful about rushing to any judgements about your situation without evaluating it in both good times and bad, and that may mean waiting a bit until sleep improves. I know everything looks so much better and more manageable after a good night of sleep.

 

But I also think anything that pushes us towards needed life changes is a positive thing. So if indeed it does cause positive changes, then it has definitely served some good. Personally I don't think I have ever been able to put insomnia to use in that way, I do plenty of introspection in general and the extra time hasn't really been helpful, I don't think. But it has enabled me to read a lot of really good books and expand my mind in that way. A lot of stuff I probably would not have had the time for.

[[...]]

hiya guys,

 

i do keep a sleep diary and can see that i tend to average 5/530 hours per night (every week) although there is much variation and the sleep is very very broken.. the thing i notice most is the impact that sleep has on my mood.. while i'm coping better now with little sleep, it still puts me in a sad/anxious mood to some degree which of course is very unhelpful... and of course if i get a good night's sleep i feel really encouraged that things are returning to normal.. it seems tho i cannot get a run of good sleeps.. i am waiting to turn a corner but it's just not happening - at least so far..

 

but i have to keep in mind that the med dose i'm on now is much less than what i used to take at the beginning and the sleep hasn't overly deteriorated (in terms of hours slept) which i guess is an improvement of sorts?? although what has deteriorated is that i wake up more frequently.. benzo's will do this.. ie they interfere with deep sleep so you are more likely to wake up..

 

this has been a horrible journey for me and not a learning experience i wanted to have. having said i have learnt that i need to manage my stress levels better and try to get more enjoyment/relaxation out of life and made some new years resolutions around that..

 

here's hoping that we all turn a corner sooner or later XOX