Im at the edge of collapsing.

[[Al...]]

I apologize in advance for the messy and long post!

 

I would really appreciate if someone would confirm me that these are really symptoms of w/d and not something else...

I cant remember all the symptoms Im having, and propably will come and add more when they occur since I really am a mental trainwreck at the moment and live in constant fugue-like state which makes me so damn irritated of my own excistance and to be honest makes me wanna end it once and for all (really not proud of it, just being blunt for the sake of honesty).

 

I took my last dose of benzo about a month ago (or so I remember...) and before that it was random pills and random amounts, and before that I popped random amounts (not excessively, but too much) daily and really tought my anxiety was due to my bad relationship (which Im not sure anymore if it was a bad relationship or was it just my anxiety due eating benzos)

 

My prescription was 30mg oxamin (not daily) and 100mg lamictal (daily) and I c/t'd both off since I tought I didnt need them anymore since I separated from my ex (like said, I was a fool to think it was the relationship giving me all the symptoms).

 

Im desperate. I want my life back but to be honest, I dont think it will ever be possible. I got nothing to look forward. Im lonely and see no future for myself. Everything I had is gone, everything I was is gone, and now there's just a big nothing waiting for me.

 

So, here goes:

- Fugue-like state where I cant get a hold of anything. I cant even remember what I felt like last minute and live in constant "present". It's hard to explain, it's like I've been like this all the time but I know it keeps changing. (This is also the main reason Im not able to write all the symptoms, and after I press 'post', I read the post and think "I dont have that, or that, why did I write those" and feel ashamed and stupid.)

- I used to remember who I used to be and work towards that, now I dont even remember that. It's like I've lost myself completely and forever.

- To sum it up, my memory of most things is shot so bad, it's like I have holes in my brain. I can remember random events, parts of discussion, even some part of a cartoon I've watched 20+ years ago, but cant remember what was said 10 seconds ago. It's like NOTHING sticks to my mind, everything just vanishes after I've tought it. (Got the idea for this sentence at cigarette, had to keep repeating it when walking back to computer)

- Can't start to do anything. I feel like I should go for a walk but I can't manage to get myself moving. It's like I have zero willpower over my actions.

- I don't feel hunger, but manage to eat out of habit. (tho it usually makes me anxious, where not eating makes me depressed)

- I feel emotionally numb, like totally numb, I  feel disconnected from everyone and everything, like I was living in constant dissociation. I dont even feel anxious, atleast not the physical anxiety, the mental "what is wrong with me" is there always tho (I think they call it rumination?)

- I have ONLY mental symptoms, except palpations (for example when I try to meditate I get massive palpations, it's like my body is fighting the meditation...

- I get random anxiety spikes regarding some memories over few weeks/months, for example I got a spike when I had random tought of having sex with my ex girlfriend.

- I woke up today and seriously didnt remember of what I am suffering from. I had to think really hard to get it back.

- Can't force myself to do anything, and my intrest in everything changes so quick I cant even stay still some times.

- Everything I think in advance (like writing these symptoms) changes real quick, like in the middle of the last symptom I wrote above. It's like I start writing one thing and in the middle of the sentence I toggle it to another tought im having.

 

These could all be due the fugue-like state I said I was in. It could also be that Im so severely and deeply depressed that I dont even recognize it. I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING TO ME

 

Im really scared that I've caused some permanent damage to my brains due I was smoking weed alot back in the days and quit it at the same time as benzos because it made me dissociate so hard I couldnt think and walk at the same time.

Im at two states of understanding at the same time; another part is really freaking out about everything Im going trough and the other part just doesnt give a sh*t.

I cant even express myself, which I was extremely good at before all the symptoms. Or so I think..

 

Im at the edge of collapsing since I dont know what's wrong and I cant myself. Please, help me  :'(

 

I'm going to write my bottom text (cant even remember the word for it... ) when (and if) I get any stamina to do it, and if I can remember what I was even on and for how long and when.

 

edit. I would love to tell you my story about what lead me into this, but I cant even remember which month I separated from my girlfriend... I think it was something like 4 months ago or so.

 

editedit. I had in mind (but forgot) to mention that I was prescribed lyrica (prepagalin) for Borderline Personality Disorder, I took one (75mg) and went in so deep confusion and fog I couldnt hold anything together. I remember taking few (450mg or so) when I was younger and it made me feel awesome back then (was abusing drugs back then). The reason im telling this is that if someone knows could this be GABA related problem.

[[Fe...]]

Wow what a story!  I'm not nearly as severe as you but I wanted to be there for you anyway. I can't give you any advise since I'm new to this and having a bumpy road myself. I feel so bad for you, that you have to go through this! Did you speak to your doctor, what did he say? I recommend writing everything you feel and think down, like in a diary. Then after months you might see patterns or hopefully, even  little progress.

Also, you have a future. You might have lost a lot, but you are still in there,you are still fighting this. I know,  since you wrote on this forum. I tells me that there still is a part in you that has hope of recovery and that is a good sign although it was in despair and you might not see or believe it at this moment. 

 

I hope there will be someone soon who van give you more advise! I wish you very much strength.

 

[[be...]]

Those are all totally normal symptom at only one month into withdrawal.  They are not permanent, and over time they will subside. The majority of members heal within the 18 month mark.  Right now your symptoms are all pretty classic, even the thought of self harm.  You are super early into the withdrawal process right now.  Give it some time. It does get better.

If you feel you would ever act on your thoughts here are some resources.

 

Suicide and Self-harm Resources

 

[[Al...]]

Wow what a story!  I'm not nearly as severe as you but I wanted to be there for you anyway. I can't give you any advise since I'm new to this and having a bumpy road myself. I feel so bad for you, that you have to go through this! Did you speak to your doctor, what did he say? I recommend writing everything you feel and think down, like in a diary. Then after months you might see patterns or hopefully, even  little progress.

Also, you have a future. You might have lost a lot, but you are still in there,you are still fighting this. I know,  since you wrote on this forum. I tells me that there still is a part in you that has hope of recovery and that is a good sign although it was in despair and you might not see or believe it at this moment. 

 

I hope there will be someone soon who van give you more advise! I wish you very much strength.

 

 

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

I new to this also and really, really scared most of the time. I have ups and downs, one minute I might feel good and the next im suicidal, then lethargic and then numb (which makes it so hard to write it all down). That's what worries me since from all I've read from this is that people have mainly waves and few windows, but I've had a few (two or three maybe) windows where I felt almost manic, but still able to recognize it's my old self. I feel hopeful, I feel like I can beat this easily and then after minutes, hours or one day it's back to the same bullsh*t.

I live in Finland, and in my city the mental health clinic (public) is really bad and has only 3 doctors in the whole clinic and two of them are part timers, so it's almost non-existant and the lines are over month long.

 

Those are all totally normal symptom at only one month into withdrawal.  They are not permanent, and over time they will subside. The majority of members heal within the 18 month mark.  Right now your symptoms are all pretty classic, even the thought of self harm.  You are super early into the withdrawal process right now.  Give it some time. It does get better.

If you feel you would ever act on your thoughts here are some resources.

 

Suicide and Self-harm Resources

 

Thank you for the reassurance, it's much craved for!

 

The problem is that I cant really understand the concept of time (or anything else to be honest, lol). It feels like I haven't taken benzos for a long time, and like I've been without them for way longer due to the fact that I was taking them only occasionally after the separation (which could be absolutely wrong seeing how my brain is right now ). I've been better occasionally also, which makes me question if it's the w/d or something "more serious" or in worst case permanent. I also had nightmarish acute w/d, one minute I was schitzophrenic and the next I was fine, talking about some serious thunderstorm like tsunami waves made of lava and piss mixed in petri dish of lsd and neurosyphilis... Hey look! I can still play with words if I just dont think of doing it

 

I try to reason with this, thinking it's only my brainchemistry thats messed up. I try to cope with the idea that some day it will be over, taken months or years, but I've felt so bad for so long time (maybe because of the relationship, or the past drug abuse, or benzos.. I dont know) that I've aready lost all hope of recovery since I've only gone deeper and deeper into.. this, whatever it is.

 

After I wrote the post, all I could think was if someone had answered already. I dont even know if thats just loneliness or obsession or or or...

 

I want to fight, I dont want to die, I just dont want to live anymore. Aaaaaaaand 15 minutes later I don't feel like this at all...

[[Fe...]]

I understand the obsession and loneliness in this fight. It will calm down with time. When you start to feel a little better. It just takes very long and that makes it so frustrating. I just learned your brain needs to adapt again. Function without the drugs. Did you read the sticky from Parker yet, as to what the is happening in the brain? It's in the forum part about withdrawl on tapering and I thought it was VERY reassuring. It's helping me understand what I feel and why.

My waves and windows are within the minute or hour but I'm no longterm or high dose user so my symptoms are horrible, but not as severe as yourself.  I feel with you. You'll get through this!

[[re...]]

Absolutely 100% relate.  I recognize and understand everything you wrote.  Beyond losing everything to these drugs (which I have), I have been having the exact same symptoms and thoughts as you.  Two days ago, I was ready to end it all.  But here I am and in the last day or so I have noticed a change - a lessening of the symptom intensity. 

 

At this moment, I'm sitting here calmly thinking about making dinner - actually cooking dinner!  Two days ago I could barely move and wanted to end my life.  Basically, what I'm saying is what you are feeling is withdrawal and it will lessen...and it will end.  Your brain and body are healing.  You feel like you do now because you are healing. 

[[Ke...]]

God, I could have written your post myself, right down to the date you jumped.

 

I have no idea what to do either unfortunately, I feel extraordinarily lost and hopeless; I can't possibly imagine I'll be a functioning human again at any point in the future and that overwhelming sense of existential dread that I'm essentially living in a meat coffin sends me back down the anxiety rabbit hole.

 

I'm not sure whether I'm encouraged or devastated by the few sub-5 minute periods where I think I felt close to how I used to feel when I was only kind of messed up before the benzos, but I'm not really sure.

 

My thoughts are pretty scrambled right now, so I apologize if I failed to make any points... I feel for you though, hang in there. At this point, I think remaining optimistic (as unrealistic as the scenarios seem) has way more upside than downside.

[[Al...]]

Thanks for the support guys!

 

This was written in the state of despair I had, and don't feel suicidal anymore. Atleast for now

 

I had a window from 30th evening till 31st morning, and realized just then why they are actually called waves (tho now I cant recall it, I just know I had it back then ), lol.

 

Just came here to report in and thank you for your support, and I wish you all the best and strenght to endure this horrible sh*t we go trough. Remember, IT WILL BE OVER AT SOME POINT!

 

Happy new year, much love and peace to you! <3

 

ps. I'm still pretty confused about people saying they've had no windows at all until after months and I've had a few of them already.. Maybe Im lucky?

[[rm...]]

Yup,  I totally relate.  I've been on almost every Benzo for the past 3 years.  Hardly any of them have been prescribed.  I started taking them after a very bad fight with my husband,  and I've tried to taper a million times,  but I'm an addict and tapering doesn't work for me.  I'm currently withdrawing cold turkey from Valium.  It's hellish.  So,  ya, my point is,  you're not alone.  And it's just withdrawals.  You're not crazy.  And it will get better.