separation on christmas eve - merry christmas

[[Ma...]]

yes - he broke up christmas eve.

 

After 12 years he told me that he could not longer be with me. I shall move out, quickly.

He told me that before christmas, he had decided "to forgive me everything and to do a restart", but then "had to notice that all he feels towards me is anger and fury". Since I know this man, he has problems talking about what is going on in him - so I did not know whats going on, and I still don't get, for what guilt I have to be forgiven.

 

I can feel his pain, after all he has seen in the last years by my side. But I can also see that he missed to take care of himself, that his anger and pain turned from anger towards the situation into hatred towards me. I have told him so often, but he refused to see a therapist, to get support. The only thing he wanted is that I change the situation and in the end he wanted ME to change. His words, not mine. His helplessness turned into anger and then into hatred against me. I see that he did not want that to happen, but he refused to learn how to stop that process. He thought that was my part. It was not.

 

At the end, I was looking into the future, but he still looked at the past. Kept to the picture of me 4 years ago and blamed me for that.He could not see my improvements and was unable to have hope. The old anger was still inside his heart and because he just pushed it away again and again, it was not solved. And he was not willing to accept that in a relationship, 2 people have to connect again and again, and that everyone of the 2 has to develop and grow. I asked him what he wanted to do in the future, he had no idea. I wanted to create our life, to plan, to do things - all he said was "well see then" because he was thinking "she will not make it that far" all the time.

 

On christmas, I could not reach him any more, I tried to explain, I talked and talked and I begged "please don't do it this way, don't be so cruel to me". We have been at that point a several times and with every time, I was hurt more, because he did not longer hate the situation, he said "its YOU", and sentences like "thats typical for you, that is JUST You"..

For me the worst part was, to step out of my body, looking at us and seeing what this man does to this woman. It hurt so much to see him act like that.

 

Now I am suffering from the "Stockholm principle" because I feel his pain.  or I am just stupid or crazy.

 

It would be much easier if I would not "understand" him.

 

He is not a bad person. All I want is that he understands that he sees the situation the wrong way. I don't want to be remembered as a mentally crazy person who made him suffer for years. Don't do this. I want to scream. please. don't do this. to us. to me. to you.

 

I see the love in his eyes but he kills the love he has for me purposefully. His decision is fixed.

 

I see a man, who needs to behave like an asshole and wants me to be an asshole too, because then, it would be so much easier to get me out of his life.

Its easy to be an asshole if you don't need the financial support of the other person. Or are just out of wd.

 

 

Okey, this was it, my long long text here.

[[Ge...]]

Wow... I am so very sorry...

[[Ma...]]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I had a similar sort of thing, it's brutal.

[[Mi...]]

yes - he broke up christmas eve.

 

After 12 years he told me that he could not longer be with me. I shall move out, quickly.

He told me that before christmas, he had decided "to forgive me everything and to do a restart", but then "had to notice that all he feels towards me is anger and fury". Since I know this man, he has problems talking about what is going on in him - so I did not know whats going on, and I still don't get, for what guilt I have to be forgiven.

 

I can feel his pain, after all he has seen in the last years by my side. But I can also see that he missed to take care of himself, that his anger and pain turned from anger towards the situation into hatred towards me. I have told him so often, but he refused to see a therapist, to get support. The only thing he wanted is that I change the situation and in the end he wanted ME to change. His words, not mine. His helplessness turned into anger and then into hatred against me. I see that he did not want that to happen, but he refused to learn how to stop that process. He thought that was my part. It was not.

 

At the end, I was looking into the future, but he still looked at the past. Kept to the picture of me 4 years ago and blamed me for that.He could not see my improvements and was unable to have hope. The old anger was still inside his heart and because he just pushed it away again and again, it was not solved. And he was not willing to accept that in a relationship, 2 people have to connect again and again, and that everyone of the 2 has to develop and grow. I asked him what he wanted to do in the future, he had no idea. I wanted to create our life, to plan, to do things - all he said was "well see then" because he was thinking "she will not make it that far" all the time.

 

On christmas, I could not reach him any more, I tried to explain, I talked and talked and I begged "please don't do it this way, don't be so cruel to me". We have been at that point a several times and with every time, I was hurt more, because he did not longer hate the situation, he said "its YOU", and sentences like "thats typical for you, that is JUST You"..

For me the worst part was, to step out of my body, looking at us and seeing what this man does to this woman. It hurt so much to see him act like that.

 

Now I am suffering from the "Stockholm principle" because I feel his pain.  or I am just stupid or crazy.

 

It would be much easier if I would not "understand" him.

 

He is not a bad person. All I want is that he understands that he sees the situation the wrong way. I don't want to be remembered as a mentally crazy person who made him suffer for years. Don't do this. I want to scream. please. don't do this. to us. to me. to you.

 

I see the love in his eyes but he kills the love he has for me purposefully. His decision is fixed.

 

I see a man, who needs to behave like an asshole and wants me to be an asshole too, because then, it would be so much easier to get me out of his life.

Its easy to be an asshole if you don't need the financial support of the other person. Or are just out of wd.

 

 

Okey, this was it, my long long text here.

 

I'm sorry to hear it went down this way, he must be a some real asshole breaking up on christmas. You'll be way better without him. Now's the time to reset you're life, a fresh start in 2017. Focus everything on the future, healing and getting you're new life on the road. Merry christmas, I wish you the best.

[[me...]]

So sorry to hear this Marigold, you seem like a very interesting and caring person. I hope this gives you the opportunity to meet someone who can really cherish and support the qualities you have, yet understand and be patient with the challenges you face. You deserve that.

[[so...]]

Marigold,

 

Everything happens for a reason.  You were meant to see this man's true character.  Twelve years is a long time to invest in someone who does not meet your needs now and would not take care of you in the future.  It's all about givers and takers.  You were with a taker.  Now make room for a giver in your life.  He is there.  Just waiting for you when you are ready to find him.  Heal first.  Then go looking.

 

Sofa

[[Da...]]

Marigold1, I'm so sorry this happened to you, and the fact it happened on Christmas eve must have fucked up your holidays to say the least. It happened to me less than sixty days into this thing. It is terrible and this Christmas was not what I'm used to. You know what I made it since January, I made it through Christmas and I will make my way through life. It is so hard and it hurts but I really believe it makes us stronger.

 

Give it some time, I know how bad it hurts, but that is the only choice we have is to go forward. It gets better.

[[Ma...]]

Thank you all for your kind words. I think I have broken the record in the category flat viewing in this week. I only saw one in which I really think I could be happy, the others just were messy holes. I was praying and hoping that I would get it, I begged and did all I could to convince them - I did not get it.Oh, the holes I did not get either. 

 

A renter told me with my circumstances no one in the hole world would ever give me an apartment.

I swear to god: If the next days any other man tells me what I will never be able to get or to do,-  I will kill him.

 

What would my boyfriend say? "That is all not my fault. Not my fault that you are sick, not my fault that you have no money."

 

I feel I am running on empty. .If I get a nervous breakdown someone will put me into a hospital, and the hole world will agree that FINALLY AGAIN SHE IS MENTALLY ILL. And back on meds.

 

I had to give my winter coat I was wearing into chemical purification because my cold sweat was smelling so bad . My fear and my pain are painted on my face, I smell like a skunk - can someone tell me how in the world I can get an apratemt in this condition?!

 

And in all that mess I try to give my feelings special day times so that I am not getting overrun by them. Does not work.

I am so overwhelmed that I forgot appointments, I drove into the false town, I did not remember which day we had and I cannot tell you what I have eaten today. Have I eaten..? I don't know - in this condition nothing can work I think.

 

Any ideas?

Oh. Please don't tell me to get a thick skin. Thats the other thing, the good advices now. Wonderful

I need to get a little bit of peace in my soul, or at least a thought which carries me through the next days and weeks.

[[Sh...]]

Hi Marigold,

 

I am so sorry you ae going through this.  Rejection hurts so deeply under all circumstances, but it is especially poignant when it comes from someone you have been with 12 years and have gone through so much with AND AT CHRISTMAS.  The timing was especially hateful on his part.

 

Marigold, can you set aside the emotions long enough to sit down with him and logically and calmly ask him for his help through the transition?  Can you appeal to his better nature, assuming he has one?  Maybe don't try to argue, accuse, or reason with him about the breakup itself, just about the logistics of you going your separate ways?  Maybe if he sees that you are not being emotional, accusatory or guilt inducing, he will be more amenable to helping financially as you try to reorient your life.

 

Marigold, you are a wonderful person who has much to offer the world.  You have come through some very difficult times and that has made you tough and strong.  Dig deep and find that strength now.  Pick yourself up, hold your head up, and go on with your life.  I have been through the same scenario.  Kicked when I was down, left by a dishonorable jerk when my baby was 5 weeks old.  I was so hurt and scared.  And then I got angry.  Angry on my own behalf.  Angry that I had wasted so much time on someone whose true character was not worthy of my love.  That anger fueled my rebirth.  Get angry Marigold!  You don't need to spend another minute thinking about or trying to understand someone who can be so cruel and doesn't want to be with you. His loss.

 

Sending you loads of positive vibes, thoughts, hugs, and everything else I can muster to let you now that you are going to be okay.  Now get out there and hit life head on in a new and healthier way.

 

She

[[so...]]

Marigold,

 

Shewhomust gave you excellent advice.  Tomorrow is another day.  Chip away at this hurdle piece by piece.  Don't try to look at dozens of apartments at once.  A few at a time and the right one will come to you.  Pray for God's help.  He listens and delivers.

 

Keep your distance from your ex as much as possible.  If confronted about moving out, quietly tell him you are doing the best you can to find accommodations.  Ask him to give you some time to get reestablished.  Twelve years is a long time and I'm sure he does not expect you to leave overnight.

 

Regardless of how you are currently feeling, you are still healing each day.  Each day you are getting stronger. 

 

Love and prayers, Sofa

[[Ma...]]

thank you.

 

Its a good advice.

He will give me money monthly for some time - thats nice.

With his financial help I can get one of the cheapest flats out there.. with tons of luck.

 

But no one will give me an apartment without job papers- I asked my bf if he could rent it for the first year or so. So I would be in a better situation, I could pretend like "oh, my boyfriend pays for the rent sir" - which is much better than explaining my complicated situation. And my bf has all the papers to show that he has money/job/no duties..

 

But my bf refuses to do that. Which man pays the rent for the ex?

 

I am afraid, that at the moment I tell him I have found a flat, he will take his promise back and not give me the money.

 

I Tried to talk to him unemotional to get both of us out as quickly as we can - but he is taking a bath in his pain literally.

 

I will give him a week or so in which he does not see me, perhaps then a new talk is possible.

But honestly - I will inform you but I think it will be like that:

--> in this week he will start to miss me.

That will make him pain.

The pain will make him more angry.

And he will say: Now, after a week you were not around, you are asking for help???

 

I get punished no matter what I do. I don't get for what. For his weakness?

[[Tr...]]

Hi marigold,

 

I'm so sorry to hear of what you are goin through. You are a strong person you can do this . I think things happen for a reasons. I think it's very cruel of someone to do this to us when we are going through benzo wd. Probably they don't realize what we are going through . you will find someone who truly love you and be there for you no matter what seem like yr ex was not the one. Regarding finding an apartment , can you look to rent a basement , that would help with the financial . Please be strong we need you here 😃

 

Tracy

[[Be...]]

Sorry, Marigold, for what's happened.  Who would break up with someone around the holidays?  That's cruel of him to do that.  I hope your living arrangements work out for you.  I'll pray for you. 

[[Da...]]

I know all abt this marigold1, making the arrangements is really hard too. We lived together for 12 years so I was used to having a partner that worked and paid half the bills. She also did the bills and would just tell me my half. She did all the insurance, and the car registration updates, she cooked almost every day, she took care of the pets, so much stuff. So at less than sixty days off we broke up and I was left all alone, sick, trying to figure out how to take care of all this stuff. You know what I did it, I paid everything, I take care of my dog, I eat take out a lot but that is ok too. If I got through all of that anybody can. I know how black things can look on the surface, and it is going to take a lot of time to heal, but you can come out on top. Take care of yourself and you can make it too.

[[Kl...]]

I'm praying for you my love. I love you.

[[Ma...]]

thank you so much, buddies ..

 

The night was hell. .. panic attacks and the deep wish to take a med, a pill, alcohol ANYTHING to stop this. Of course the old PTBS came to visit me again. I was punished by every symptom of wd, and every fucked trauma I have experienced in life. Some hours I had to fight the old traumatic pictures, the other hours I fought against the future-thoughts of fear.

 

Today there have been some new advertisements for apartments and I have send about 15 requests.

 

I hope I can dig deep and find a strength somewhere like you told me.

 

And guess what the joke of the year is: He broke up while being in wd himself, because he stopped cigarettes after decades of smoking.

 

 

 

can someone please tell me how you can kill love? I am a person who is faithful like a dog, once I love somebody I can not stop it.

 

[[Sh...]]

Hello Marigold,

 

I'm sorry you are faced with so much on top of withdrawal and healing.  Life can be so unfair.  It often kicks us in the head when we're already on our knees and that sucks the big one for sure.

 

Marigold, you don't have to kill love.  After facing the initial shock, trauma, panic, hurt and sadness, it dies a natural death over time.  You must realize that he probably started the breaking away process a while ago and is simply further down the road than you are.  It is news to you, a stab in the heart, but he has already worked through the initial emotions of it all, you just didn't know it.  Love does not exist in a vacuum and when it is not returned, it shrivels up and dies.  As long as you don't put brain-dead love on life support by continuing to pursue something that is over, you will grieve and then heal and go on with your life.  Even faithful dogs get dumped by cruel owners and go on to forget the trauma and transfer their love to a more worthy humans.

 

Marigold, this is all so new and fresh for you.  You are still in the "shock and awe" phase.  Stress such as this definitely can make us traumatized and symptomatic again.  You will be okay.  You are still the kind, caring, strong, capable woman you've always been.  You will find a place to live.  Your life will go on, perhaps in a healthier and more positive way that you can't even imagine right now.

 

She

[[Ma...]]

Hello Marigold,

 

I'm sorry you are faced with so much on top of withdrawal and healing.  Life can be so unfair.  It often kicks us in the head when we're already on our knees and that sucks the big one for sure.

 

Marigold, you don't have to kill love.  After facing the initial shock, trauma, panic, hurt and sadness, it dies a natural death over time.  You must realize that he probably started the breaking away process a while ago and is simply further down the road than you are.  It is news to you, a stab in the heart, but he has already worked through the initial emotions of it all, you just didn't know it.  Love does not exist in a vacuum and when it is not returned, it shrivels up and dies.  As long as you don't put brain-dead love on life support by continuing to pursue something that is over, you will grieve and then heal and go on with your life.  Even faithful dogs get dumped by cruel owners and go on to forget the trauma and transfer their love to a more worthy humans.

 

Marigold, this is all so new and fresh for you.  You are still in the "shock and awe" phase.  Stress such as this definitely can make us traumatized and symptomatic again.  You will be okay.  You are still the kind, caring, strong, capable woman you've always been.  You will find a place to live.  Your life will go on, perhaps in a healthier and more positive way that you can't even imagine right now.

 

She

 

Thank you so much for answering. I don't know - I have been in that shock and awe phase so many times before because he has told me several times to go but then took it back again. He cannot deal with emotions, he explodes and then he regrets. This makes it so much harder now! This time its true. And for this reason there is still that little hope in my heart that he will take it back again. But that will not happen.

I have to let him go. I need to respect his decision and move forward.

O my god. I love him sooooooo much and I know him so well. I wanted to make him happy - did not work. I thought we as couple would so much deserve to get happy finally after all we have been through. There were times we were so good partners and then all the shit broke the two of us. I think this will be the main problem to deal with for me.

 

 

 

[[Sh...]]

 

Thank you so much for answering. I don't know - I have been in that shock and awe phase so many times before because he has told me several times to go but then took it back again.  Marigold, this is not a healthy relationship.  You should not be subjected to the uncertainty of love and support being withdrawn whenever it suits him.  That is not love! He cannot deal with emotions, he explodes and then he regrets. This makes it so much harder now! This time its true. And for this reason there is still that little hope in my heart that he will take it back again. But that will not happen.

I have to let him go. I need to respect his decision and move forward.   Yes you do need to move forward.  You do have to let go.  But even though he precipitated this, it should also be YOUR decision to move away from an unhealthy relationship.  Don't give away your power by letting it be only his decision!

 

O my god. I love him sooooooo much and I know him so well. I wanted to make him happy - did not work.  I know exactly how you feel.  I've been there and done that.  Trust me when I say that moving on from such a one-sided relationship will be very good for you in the long run.  I am living proof.  But that doesn't make it hurt any less in the short term does it?[/ I thought we as couple would so much deserve to get happy finally after all we have been through. There were times we were so good partners and then all the shit broke the two of us. I think this will be the main problem to deal with for me.

 

I'm so sorry Marigold, but there's no minimizing the pain and hurt and feeling of abandonment.  It IS so difficult.  You will cope and get through one day at a time.  Sending you love, hugs and comforting thoughts as you do so.

 

She

[[Ma...]]

Is it that simple?

He is not a sadist, I feel like he has got a thing called burnout with the years.

I know its not my fault that I got on meds or got diseases.

But is it that simple to call him an asshole?

I am wondering a lot.

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship after years in which you have a sick partner? And I am not a person who suffers in silence. I cry, scream, I need to talk and vent a lot.

I agree, to dump the sick partner is not right, and to punish me is not right.

 

I really hope some day I will get that thought of being a burden to people out of my head. But I know the other side, my parents are sick and I hated them for a time. But I never punished them for that. I decided not to harm them even more but look for me..

 

I am just so sorry that he had to be with me in my hardest times (god I cannot believe writing this).

I think in the end again I will have to accept that those things happen.

 

 

[[Sh...]]

No Marigold, its not that simple.  Relationships are complicated and can't easily be explained to anyone else.  Of course he isn't simply an asshole.  If he was, a quality person like yourself would not have been with him for 12 years and he would nt have stuck around for some of the tough times.  Only you and he can know the real truths of your relationship.  Outsiders like myself can look in and think they can make summary judgements and offer good advice based on our very limited information, but we can't.  So I apologize if I sounded like mommy knows best.  Perhaps if you and he do separate for a period of time, then your issues can be deescalated, clarified and renegotiated.  Perhaps not.  Whatever happens just know that you will survive and be stronger in the process.

 

She

[[Ma...]]

ShewhoMust - thank you for taking me out of despair and back into reality again. Happy new year! Outside fireworks are rising and I feel okey. I wish you and the others who talked to me here on this topic a very good 2017 -  :smitten: :smitten:

[[Da...]]

I just wish he did not do it on Christmas eve of all the times, at least my GF waited until January to do it. Out of all 365 days in year why does he choose a holiday and ruin it for everyone. I know how hard it is and how much it hurts. My house went from me being blasted everyday to total silence overnight. The first few days after she moved out seemed relaxing but then the silence took over and everything got harder to deal with. I just don't get people or understand why they do it. I know you can find the inner strength to rebound from it. Stay strong you can rebound from it too.

[[Ma...]]

I just wish he did not do it on Christmas eve of all the times, at least my GF waited until January to do it. Out of all 365 days in year why does he choose a holiday and ruin it for everyone. I know how hard it is and how much it hurts. My house went from me being blasted everyday to total silence overnight. The first few days after she moved out seemed relaxing but then the silence took over and everything got harder to deal with. I just don't get people or understand why they do it. I know you can find the inner strength to rebound from it. Stay strong you can rebound from it too.

 

Well Davis I have to say challenge accepted. Next christmas I have to do something so spectacular that I easily forget this one. Thats the way I will do it. I like that idea. And I am sure I will find something to celebrate .. if not, I could spend christmas with people who are even more sad than me, in an hospital or so and make a good christmas for them, when I cannot have one I can at least create a good one for others.

[[Ni...]]

First off I want to give you a huge hug. Second I want to say sorry about how you are hurting around the holidays. I'm not too good with words in regards to advice but I will say I know how you feel to an extent. Hurt, rejection etc is very hard to deal with. Right now you need to really stop and focus on yourself and your self care so you can heal. My ex dumped me in a very nasty way over the summer and it put all my progress back to step one. So what I ask of you is to really take care of yourself. Allow yourself to feel anger and hurt and let the emotions leave your system. One day you will look back and you might believe that him leaving you was the best thing to happen. At least that's how I feel with my ex. Just seeing his face now actually creates a deep hatred inside me. All of us here are going through a process of leaving our pasts and our pain behind and making our futures brighter. YOU are a fighter. YOU made it this far. YOU are strong and I'm sure with a user name such as marigold YOU are beautiful too. (I grow marigolds during the summer 😋) One day you will be better and you will start over with another man who will only know you for your strengths and not always hold your bad days as reminders in confrontations. I personally got better shedding my past completely to move forward in some ways. My ex reminds me of my bad days and my actions, some of which I reflect on in embarrassment. So closing that chapter helped me let go of my reminders so I can move forward. I'm almost a year as a "surviver" now and I may still have my moments and most of all dizzy/anxiety bouts I've really come a long way. Nothing in life is a conicedence my friend. If you ever want to talk message me. Keep your head up and believe things will get better! 😘