Losing all hope today! The last two days have been horrid! Help

[[Ma...]]

I have been going through pure hell since may with these psych drugs and absolute torture since coming off Xanax CT detox in October. These drugs have destroyed my life and I can't take it anymore! The hospital put me on Zoloft and resperdal out of the hospital but I got off the resperdal still on Zoloft and have been now 2 months. My symptoms are so horrid I can't stand it! The severe numbness pain and pressure in my brain is more than I can bare and unrelenting! The confusion and DP/DR is off the charts and the last few days this horrible wave worse than normal of evil darkness and intrusive thoughts has been very scary and more than I can stand! It's been so bad the last few days I've found myself screaming and grabbing my head in physical and emotional torment and standing at the back door or laying on the floor just crying! I'm losing all hope and feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown on top of it and I'm scared to be alone but I'm scared to be around my family as well! I just don't think I can make it and I'm not sure if these other drugs are adding to my misery but this is getting really bad!

[[Ma...]]

Hey, from my experience the most horrid benzo wd symptoms come from intrusive thoughts, rumination, thought and emotional suppression and just an overall resistance to how we feel. The only thing that helps is meditation and really long brisk walks. Like 8 mile walks. Running increases norepinephrine levels too much and can give you more anxiety if you still have benzo wd issues. Since you quit a few months ago you should be able to run. 

 

I used to think I was dreaming all the pain too, but I assure you, you are not. Some things need to be endured. Mindfulness eliminates DP/DR. You need to retrain your mind, and learn mindfulness. I'm still on 25mg of librium and plan to make another drop soon to 20mg. I'll be off this crap by May. I make 5mg drops and the lower I get the more terrifying this is. I've had intrusive thoughts my entire life so benzo wd just doesn't agree with me so I need to taper. I'm also on gabapentin and baclofen. I also quit Suboxone last March. I can't believe I have to quit gabapentin and baclofen but one thing at a time. Gabapentin doesn't give me amnesia and learning problems at least.

 

I had to stop going to the university because of my addiction and cannot go back until I resolve this. I've been through a lot as well after my mom got lung cancer and died horribly and rapidly while being in total denial about what was happening to her and there was absolutely nothing I can do to comfort her. I was on phenibut for a while and the day I quit and switched to baclofen, I was at an IOP meeting and I had a fit and they called the police on me because I said I wish my dad would die and that I felt like punching him after we got into a trivial argument. Of course I didn't mean it. I tried to explain but they just wanted to bill my insurance and fuk me with their protocol. This was enough to get me thrown in Hartgrove Hospital: probably one of the worst hospitals in the country and I had to stay there for 8 days over the 4th of July weekend. I didn't belong at this hospital and it set me back because they gave me ativan there. My benzo rage scares me more than any other symptom. But I feel I've gotten better with this. It took me a long time to learn how to deal with benzo wd because of the severe intrusive thoughts and the unrelenting depression between drops as I stabilized. I even binged on alcohol a few times because I couldn't deal with the feelings. Keep in mind that everybody's experience will be different.

 

 

edit: disallowed content

[[Ma...]]

Quit smoking. Are you kidding me. That's why your head is about to explode. Use cytisine. It is called Tabex.... to quit smoking. Or you can order it online from that nootropic website I mentioned above. It works much better than NRT. Nicotine patches will make your head hurt even more. Cytisine is smooth and crushes nicotine wd. When I would light up an american spirit during benzo wd the pressure in my head would increase dramatically. I started taking baby aspirins because I thought I was going to have an stroke or an aneurysm while I was smoking. Please stop.

[[Ma...]]

The intrusive thoughts are horrible and so evil and makes you feel psychotic! When you add that with the horrendous pressure, numbness, burning and dizzy feeling and it's almost to much to bare! It has gotten so bad the last few days I have literally stood up from laying on the couch screaming and crying about to have a complete breakdown! I would like to run or exercise but the pressure in my head is so bad I feel dizzy and off balance every time I stand up and even try to walk around the house. I do good to crawl out of my bed in the morning and when you add the severe confusion DP/DR to it it's impossible to even think about working or exercise! As far as the smoking I was on the way to quitting before all this but with this misery and torment I can't imagine taking on smoking too! The pressure has been there since I came off including the 2 weeks I was in the hospital and couldn't smoke! As far as the Zoloft I never wanted to go on it to begin with but the crazy doctors at the hospital and my family whom none of which understands benzo WD and the torment I'm going through just wanted to shove more drugs in me and now I've got to deal with the Zoloft too! My brain has been completely destroyed there is nothing left of the old me and I'm losing hope fast. I go back Tuesday for a follow up with a new doctor on my symptoms and the Zoloft but I don't know what to do cause the Zoloft may be making it worse but after two months there is bond to be WD from that too and after lexapro and realizing my brain wasn't completely healed from Prozac I don't know if my mind can handle anymore?

[[Ma...]]

Never lose hope and always move forward, never backwards. The pressure in your head is probably caused by thinking too much and those mutated benzo-shattered emotional responses. Emotions make you sick and cause pressure in your head. I think when we chronically use benzos we forget how to cope with emotions completely. How are you sleeping? You need to quit smoking. Cigarettes will over stimulate you. Tianeptine really balances out the glutamatergic system and will help with benzo wd and the intrusive thoughts. SSRI's are garbage. I know how you feel. I can't stand how doctors push their evil big pharma drugs on us and put us on pharmaceutical treadmills. It sucks how they put you on a antipsychotic. Antipsychotics make healthy people develop severe mental illness and wd from them is soul crushing. Our families have no idea what is happening to us and think we are crazy. Just look out for your self. In a way we are psychotic. All of our thoughts can get misinterpreted when we are sick. Like you can get an intrusive thought and think you are a bad person because you cant think clearly and believe you are into something you are not. I am not even willing to discuss my intrusive thoughts.

 

It is cold out so I cannot walk anymore because I was going on a walking trail. Just walk. Force yourself. I can relate to the DP/DR. I use mindfulness meditation everyday to deal with it the best I can. My diet fell apart because of my taper. I'm completely addicted to sugar right now which isn't good. We need to be on low carb, high fat, moderate protein diets, and plant based diets and juice organic produce. I wish I had a butler. Look into ketogenic diets and fasting. You are not supposed to stay in ketosis too long though. I did this and it reduced my benzo wd by at least 50%. It's pretty hard to eat only 20-30g of net carbs a day though. We need to look into plant based diets and being super healthy to recover, to reduce these symptoms. I'm eating a pizza right now btw. I think for immediate results look into meditation. Use the app headspace. I used that for a while it helped me during some dark times. Hang in there.

[[Ma...]]

You really need to muddle through this. It will get easier in a few months. If you've only been on the zoloft for a few months I would do a quick taper. It sucks when we are on multiple prescriptions. I hit the GABA trifecta with benzos, baclofen, and gabapentin but what could I do. I hate to say this but you may need to look into taking other substances. I really want to be completely sober but sometimes this is not an option. There are a lot of restorative substances out there that heal you. It's the big pharma, mind bending drugs that hurt you the most. You also need to quit cigarettes, exercise and eat a benzo victim friendly diet. At least you are benzo free. It will get easier. Just work on yourself

[[Ma...]]

As far as my sleep it takes a while but I do get probably about 5-6 hours maybe and it's torment getting to sleep and I wake up to the same torment so it's constant besides when I'm asleep and it never ends! I got of that AP as soon as I could after about a month and actually after two weeks I cut it in half to .25mg for two weeks and got off that crap as soon as I could! I've been off it for a month now and on the Zoloft for 2 months and I really just wish I would have refused anymore drugs but my thoughts and symptoms were so bad I thought at the time as the are worse now that if I didn't take anything they weren't gonna let me leave cause they said my thoughts were caused by OCD not benzo WD and they were dead wrong cause I don't have thoughts like I was having till the end before I went to the hospital and since coming off! I just feel like my life is completely over and the suffering will never end! I have thought I wouldn't talk about either but some of them are thoughts of dying and all kinds of evil in my brain! My throat burns and I get some weird popping noise when I swallow and my throats kinda pops and grinds like bone on bone and of course my brain thanks cancer and I'm gonna die! My mind is so messed up and evil the physical and mental torment is so unbearable! I just don't know what to do and everyday I feel like I'm getting worse and just can't take anymore! I see people on here at 6 months to a year and even longer still suffering and I just don't think I can handle this for that long! I just want my life back and it seems like I'm damaged beyond repair! I need to quit smoking, eat right, exercise, work and do many other things but I can't hardly function at all and the torment consumes my every waking moment! I just don't know if my mind and body can hold up

[[Ma...]]

Benzo wd makes OCD unbearable. So the doctors should of told you the benzo wd is making your OCD worse...not that your OCD is causing everything. Your mind set is completely shitty right now. You need to calm down. You can't let your thoughts consume you to the point of madness. My mom died of cancer recently...so I'm constantly thinking cancer too. I've had suicidal and homicidal ideation, unwanted sexual thoughts that completely threw me off guard and were absolutely deplorable and sick. I still question it. I had to take a break from tapering because of intrusive thoughts and depression so I know what is happening to you. Personally, I use psychedelics to manage these symptoms. They are just thoughts. You are confused right now and you believe that you are what you think, but this is not the case. You are more than your thoughts and feelings. It isn't real. Just calm down. You are not evil. Is there anything you can do to get grounded and relax. You need to stop thinking. Also, do not come on this forum too much, it isn't good for us. Do not read other peoples stories and catastrophize your situation. Do not think you are doomed with years of wd symptoms. thats bs. the brain will heal but you need to give it what it needs. You need to be positive, eat right, go outside...exercise etc. to heal...healing takes work. The people who have benzo wd after years and years... have other pre existing problems I would guess besides benzo wd, that the benzo wd made worse. You need to work all this out. So do I. If I get suicidal ideation I just smoke DMT and it goes away completely. I've used DMT long before I started taking benzos. It's definitely a suicidal thought antidote. I don't let myself go deeper and deeper in the shit like you are doing. If you feel you are getting worse. You need to make a change. Start off by meditating by closing your eyes and just focusing on breathing. I don't advocate using psychedelics in your state. This is just something that works for me and I have a lot of experience with. It would probably help you a lot though if your main issue is OCD, depression and anxiety. You need to break these thought patterns. You are too obsessed with how you feel and are making yourself sick.

[[Ma...]]

Look dude. I'm going to try to go to sleep. I'll respond back later. Just hang in there. You are not evil. You are just having a hard time filtering your thoughts. You are believing that your OCD bs is real. You are delusional. It will pass. Don't let yourself get too worked up to the point you get agitated or your head will hurt even more. You need to learn how to suffer better. Eventually, you will learn that you have an option to suffer. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional...even when we have benzo wd.

[[Ch...]]

Benzo wd makes OCD unbearable. So the doctors should of told you the benzo wd is making your OCD worse...not that your OCD is causing everything. Your mind set is completely shitty right now. You need to calm down. You can't let your thoughts consume you to the point of madness. My mom died of cancer recently...so I'm constantly thinking cancer too. I've had suicidal and homicidal ideation, unwanted sexual thoughts that completely threw me off guard and were absolutely deplorable and sick. I still question it. I had to take a break from tapering because of intrusive thoughts and depression so I know what is happening to you. Personally, I use psychedelics to manage these symptoms. They are just thoughts. You are confused right now and you believe that you are what you think, but this is not the case. You are more than your thoughts and feelings. It isn't real. Just calm down. You are not evil. Is there anything you can do to get grounded and relax. You need to stop thinking. Also, do not come on this forum too much, it isn't good for us. Do not read other peoples stories and catastrophize your situation. Do not think you are doomed with years of wd symptoms. thats bs. the brain will heal but you need to give it what it needs. You need to be positive, eat right, go outside...exercise etc. to heal...healing takes work. The people who have benzo wd after years and years... have other pre existing problems I would guess besides benzo wd, that the benzo wd made worse. You need to work all this out. So do I.  If you feel you are getting worse. You need to make a change. Start off by meditating by closing your eyes and just focusing on breathing. I don't advocate using psychedelics in your state. This is just something that works for me and I have a lot of experience with. It would probably help you a lot though if your main issue is OCD, depression and anxiety. You need to break these thought patterns. You are too obsessed with how you feel and are making yourself sick.

 

Hi Mamoot,

 

We appreciate that you're offering support to MaizeNBlue, however, I need to have you review a few of the forum's posting guidelines.  I see you're a new member and am guessing that you, like many (maybe most) of us, skimmed over the rules and regs pretty quickly.  I know I did.

 

Re 'You should', 'You need', 'Do not', etc…this is prescriptive and is addressed in this section of the guidelines.  It is easily corrected by suggesting rather than telling. 

 

Examples in this link: Guidelines Regarding the Giving of Medical Advice

 

This one goes into detail about suggesting/recommending drugs (you may see I edited one of your posts that had way too much of this sort of information): Guidelines & Rules Regarding the Use and Promotion of Medicines and Drugs

 

 

We also ask that suicidal ideation/references be avoided.  And profanity.

What a list…sorry, I know you mean well.

 

Thanks, Mamoot.  And thanks for supporting MaizeNBlue, I know he's really struggling right now.

 

Challis

[[Ma...]]

Hey, I'm just curious. Why can't we mention suicidal ideation? Is it too much for people to handle? If you can't talk about it on a benzo forum constructively, that is pretty bad for people with thought disorders who are going through this. People need to know that they are going to have very disturbing thoughts that become very disturbing feelings and manipulate themselves into believing what they are feeling is real when they have a thought disorder like OCD. I just need the OP to understand that it isn't real and that people are not their thoughts or feelings and that his mind is playing tricks on him. You would think an SSRI would help but I read that they aggravate benzo wd for a lot of people and they just suck to be honest. There are way better options than SSRI's. I suggested tianeptine before because it works on the glutamatergic system and is not habit forming and restorative at the recommended dosages. It is a serotonin releasing agent as well by some unknown mech.. This helped me, when I was feeling like he was and I never CT. I can only imagine how I'd feel if I did CT. I'd probably have to be in a padded room. I blame my thought disorder for my need to taper slowly because even meditation can't stop it completely because I cannot apply mindfulness very well to my daily life while in benzo wd. I'm also convinced if I do not taper slowly benzos will damage my brain based on everything I've read. I've always stayed away from this forum because I couldn't stand all the suffering, thinking that this isn't going to happen to me. These past several months, I don't even think I turned on my computer because I was tapering Librium according to the Ashton schedule, which should be adjusted unless I am just weak. It feels aggressive. Granted, she is suggesting larger than 10% reductions for Librium. Tapering Librium is horrible and switching to it from clonazepam was really messed up. It takes me about 3 weeks to comfortably adjust to a drop. Not 1-2 weeks. I couldn't watch tv because I was too agitated or use a computer. I used my phone for everything. I can't work or go to school. I've been trying to get off benzos for 1.5 years. Luckily, I'm finally on my way out of this nightmare. I can't stand my long drawn out taper but it seems better than the alternative. I have so many tricks up my sleeve except how to get off this poison faster. I hate benzos. Gabaergic drugs in general are no joke. No joke at all.

 

 

[[Ch...]]

Yes, that's exactly why we ask people not to mention suicidal thoughts, even veiled references.  It is too difficult for other fragile members to cope with.  We do understand it's common to have these thoughts and we sympathize, but this is for the benefit of the greater community.  The vast majority of forums do not allow suicidal references or discussions.

[[Da...]]

Hi MaizeNBlue81, I'm see the info you are getting from Mamoot, I'm not sure if I would call you delusional, I guess that is one way to describe what is going on. I'm flooded with thoughts tht are not reasonable, it is scary as hell.

[[ki...]]

  I just realized that at the end of every month my sxs start to ramp up. Somebody told me that it could be influence of the moon, and that is the period of young moon. It makes sense. Is there anybody who have similar experience, or came up with the same conclusion?

 

[[Ma...]]

Hey Davis1. People who have been struggling with intrusive thoughts their entire lives can become extremely delusional while tapering/quitting benzos and develop psychotic depression and extreme agitation. I become very paranoid and agitated when I make drops. I think people are out to get me and I argue with family and friends because I misinterpret everything they say and think it is a personal attack. I think people are taking advantage of me because I can't run simple numbers in my head or remember anything. I have to write everything down. Your thoughts spin out of control and you basically believe in every delusional thought and feeling that comes up because it is so intense, it floors you. It feels like you have symptoms of frontal lobe dementia. You have extremely inappropriate thoughts as well that make you feel like a base animal and you start to question if you are bad person. Benzo wd just cranks up your nervous system and your OCD will run wild. Mindfulness mediation is the only non-drug approach that really works. It just takes awhile to see results, and you need to do it at least twice a day. I do it while I lay down sometimes when I am lost in benzo wd and it clears the cob webs out. I have eliminated most of my benzo wd symptoms for an hour with meditation. The worst of benzo wd is in our minds. Thoughts create our reality. You need to separate yourself from your thoughts and start observing them as an outsider. Instead of being in the hurricane, you need to seek shelter and observe the storm from inside your house, looking out a window. Otherwise you'll get torn apart.

[[Ma...]]

The thoughts are horrible and very intrusive! I feel like I'm losing my mind and have to get up and walk around or try to find something else to do they can be so disturbing at times and it does make you feel like your going crazy or having a complete breakdown! But I can tell you that's just the tip of the iceberg! The pressure numbness burning and pain in my head, face, ears and neck is one of the most dibilatating symptoms I have and is constant it never stops and is always their with no relief in sight! The horrible confusion DP/DR and constant feeling of not even living in reality anymore is very hard to deal with as well! And when you put all that together it equals the worst thing I've ever been through in my life with no end in sight and I just don't know how much more my mind and body can take! I see some at 5-6 months off having these symptoms and even developed new ones and yes now I have to deal with Zoloft which I never wanted to be on and my symptoms are so severe I can't tell what it's doing if not making it worse! Argue all you want but o can't describe the horror these drugs especially Xanax has left me in and it has destroyed my life and left me having no hope for a future! And I don't know what to do? I'm losing hope more anymore everyday

[[Da...]]

I know the thoughts you are talking about I have them too. You are reduced to feeling like an animal most of the time. Everybody gets on my nerves. It is a lot of bad thoughts and a lot of bad plans too.

[[Ma...]]

Hey OP, you need to take in consideration that the Zoloft is making your anxiety worse. Were you on Zoloft when you first noticed the head pressure? Do you feel head pressure when you sleep and does is get better at night?

[[Ch...]]

Hey OP, you need to take in consideration that the Zoloft is making your anxiety worse. Were you on Zoloft when you first noticed the head pressure? Do you feel head pressure when you sleep and does is get better at night?

 

Mamoot, please read the links I posted for you on prescriptive writing.  No one can know for sure what effect the Zoloft is having.

 

Your comments must be from a personal experience base or cite links for proof. 

[[Ma...]]

The thoughts are horrible and pure evil but the most disturbing and dibilatating symptoms are the intense pressure numbness burning and pain in my head ears and neck the confusion DP/Dr that is unbearable and makes it hard to function and I'm unable to do much of anything! I know I'm still in acute WD after 10 weeks off I thought their might be a little improvement but no it just as bad of not worse! When will this or will this ever end? I'm losing hope!

[[Ma...]]

The head pressure has been there since before I went into the hospital and it's gotten worse not better! No their is no time it's better it's there all day 24/7 when I go to sleep and it greets me every morning when I wake up it's constant no relief and no end in sight!

[[Ma...]]

Hey Challis99, I'm just trying to figure out if the Zoloft is clashing with his benzo wd. We both know that I cannot prove it and that there are no links to studies that SSRI's agitate benzo wd but there are plenty of anecdotal and subjective experiences that paint an ugly picture. I was studying biochemistry before I started taking benzos after my mom died, and now that I'm on the bench, sitting at home, biding my time until my next benzo drop in my disabled-like state I study about benzos and what they do to people. I know a lot. I have an idea what is happening to the OP but I cannot help him because he is too much pain to listen to me. His CT is obviously causing some insidious protracted symptoms. Is it normal to have chronic head pressure and pain after CT? Is his pain being exasperated by psychosomatic sxs caused by severe hypochondria? That is my guess. He is obsessing about the tension and migraines that he is stuck in a permanent thought loop between that and whatever else that pops in his head. His biggest fear is not knowing when the pressure in his head will go away, and he continues to worry about it and his pain response keeps increasing and getting worse.

[[Da...]]

MaizeNBlue81, there is only one thing you can do and that is ride it out. There is nothing that makes it any better, if there was we would all be doing it. It is just going to take time and it is very difficult to do. I have made it to 13 months somehow and I'm just the best I can.

[[Ma...]]

I know I'm just so very scared and the torment and torture is relentless! The Zoloft does scare me too cause my symptoms are so severe o just don't know what it's doing to my brain and I don't know what to do about it? Cause if I keep taking it that's more damage to my brain and it could make it worse but if I taper off it now it could destabilize me even more and I'm barely hanging on now! About all I can do is lay on the couch and suffer! So what to do?

[[Ma...]]

Your only play is to stay the course. Stay on the Zoloft until you feel better. I'd personally start micro tapering it immediately. In the mean time, just make changes you can control, like improving your diet, meditation, and compulsive behavior....ask your family for help if you don't feel like preparing meals.