Who I was...

[[sl...]]

 

I am nearly 16 months off a short term, small dose of clonazepam that still continues to make my life miserable.  I have been waiting and waiting for the old me to return.  I am a 36 year old woman.  I was 34 years old when I started on that rat poison.  I had an infant and a 5 year old (they are both now 2 and 7).  Life was so good!  I was super mom.  I hosted parties, took my daughter to the gymnasium, parks, read her tons of books, did crafts with her (we loved to make play dough!) and just prior to getting sick, we were working on a cute little rhyming ABC book that I was going to have turned into a hardback for her.  As a family, we loved to travel, go camping, cuddle on the couch with popcorn and watch movies,  cook a meal together... The list goes on.  I had my own life as well and I loved it!  I was a dental assistant for 14 years and adored my job.  I worked part-time which was perfect for my mommy schedule. 

 

When I was put on clonazepam, I was only having some very minor issues falling asleep right away... Typical for a new mom.  Just after starting it, I was also working on losing some baby weight and had been hiking a lot.  I also cleaned up my diet (for awhile, I blamed my new diet on the "benzo" issues that were popping up).  I completely eliminated junk food and was eating loads of organic veggies.  My goal was to get back on my road bike and race the following year.  It was something that I loved doing years prior, and nothing was going to stop me from doing it!  I wanted to be the best version of me and was working hard to achieve it; fit and healthy, active in the community, a wonderful mom and wife, and always trying new things.  My daughter was about to start kindergarten and I was so excited to finally use my degree in elementary education.  I had big plans of driving her to school every day, volunteering, and subbing a few days a week.  We had so many plans (even had just purchased a larger 5th wheel for all of our adventures).

 

Well, "my life" came to a screeching halt around April of 2015 when clonazapam showed all of its nasty side effects.  The rest of my story is well documented here so I won't go on and on.  Its been hell and still continues to be on unimaginable levels that are very hard to explain to people.  Excercise makes me feel horrible (so I'm no longer active other than brief walks), I can't read books to my children or do much else with them, I can't commit to anything so no longer work or travel, I cry a lot, I feel almost no joy (ever), and I look like a very straggly/older version of who I was.  I am so scared buddies. I've lost me and I want her back!  It has now been 21 months since I've felt like myself. 

 

I have had so many symptoms that would make the average person suicidal.  But, there has only been one thing that has kept me so very sick and has driven my mental state right into the gutter.  The damn jerks/jolts/shocks/spasms that I experience every single night at the moment of sleep STILL continue as if they have made themselves a permanent home in my damaged brain. I barely sleep and I estimate that I get about 1/3 of what I used to get before I ever touched clonazepam.  I feel very frightened that I will never heal from this.  All of my other symptoms come and go with the typical wave/window pattern and have also gradually lessened over time.  I cannot say that about this major sleep issue though as I have not had any significant changes since month 6.  Just the same shit every night with a rare break... A break is sleeping 6 broken hours with fewer jerks. 

 

Please, give me hope and tell me I will heal and get my life back. Did anyone have such a horrible and unusual symptom that was a living nightmare for so long?  I am so scared.  I keep having horrible thoughts and I am terrified of them.  I am sobbing and scared shitless today.  Feel so lost. 

[[Mi...]]

 

I am nearly 16 months off a short term, small dose of clonazepam that still continues to make my life miserable.  I have been waiting and waiting for the old me to return.  I am a 36 year old woman.  I was 34 years old when I started on that rat poison.  I had an infant and a 5 year old (they are both now 2 and 7).  Life was so good!  I was super mom.  I hosted parties, took my daughter to the gymnasium, parks, read her tons of books, did crafts with her (we loved to make play dough!) and just prior to getting sick, we were working on a cute little rhyming ABC book that I was going to have turned into a hardback for her.  As a family, we loved to travel, go camping, cuddle on the couch with popcorn and watch movies,  cook a meal together... The list goes on.  I had my own life as well and I loved it!  I was a dental assistant for 14 years and adored my job.  I worked part-time which was perfect for my mommy schedule. 

 

When I was put on clonazepam, I was only having some very minor issues falling asleep right away... Typical for a new mom.  Just after starting it, I was also working on losing some baby weight and had been hiking a lot.  I also cleaned up my diet (for awhile, I blamed my new diet on the "benzo" issues that were popping up).  I completely eliminated junk food and was eating loads of organic veggies.  My goal was to get back on my road bike and race the following year.  It was something that I loved doing years prior, and nothing was going to stop me from doing it!  I wanted to be the best version of me and was working hard to achieve it; fit and healthy, active in the community, a wonderful mom and wife, and always trying new things.  My daughter was about to start kindergarten and I was so excited to finally use my degree in elementary education.  I had big plans of driving her to school every day, volunteering, and subbing a few days a week.  We had so many plans (even had just purchased a larger 5th wheel for all of our adventures).

 

Well, "my life" came to a screeching halt around April of 2015 when clonazapam showed all of its nasty side effects.  The rest of my story is well documented here so I won't go on and on.  Its been hell and still continues to be on unimaginable levels that are very hard to explain to people.  Excercise makes me feel horrible (so I'm no longer active other than brief walks), I can't read books to my children or do much else with them, I can't commit to anything so no longer work or travel, I cry a lot, I feel almost no joy (ever), and I look like a very straggly/older version of who I was.  I am so scared buddies. I've lost me and I want her back!  It has now been 21 months since I've felt like myself. 

 

I have had so many symptoms that would make the average person suicidal.  But, there has only been one thing that has kept me so very sick and has driven my mental state right into the gutter.  The damn jerks/jolts/shocks/spasms that I experience every single night at the moment of sleep STILL continue as if they have made themselves a permanent home in my damaged brain. I barely sleep and I estimate that I get about 1/3 of what I used to get before I ever touched clonazepam.  I feel very frightened that I will never heal from this.  All of my other symptoms come and go with the typical wave/window pattern and have also gradually lessened over time.  I cannot say that about this major sleep issue though as I have not had any significant changes since month 6.  Just the same shit every night with a rare break... A break is sleeping 6 broken hours with fewer jerks. 

 

Please, give me hope and tell me I will heal and get my life back. Did anyone have such a horrible and unusual symptom that was a living nightmare for so long?  I am so scared.  I keep having horrible thoughts and I am terrified of them.  I am sobbing and scared shitless today.  Feel so lost.

 

Hi sleepless. I know the feeling. Being hit by the benzo train really changes everything in life, but for now you have to focus on healing. Forget the past and the things you had in life. Those will be reclaimed by you later. Just heal, take all the time you need. And when you're ready, you'll know. You're young and have you're entire life to look forward to. So don't rush anything. Also, sleep will go back to normal eventually. I slept 2-3 hours at most during my recovery. Now I sleep 6-7 hours (normal for me).

[[sl...]]

Thanks MW... I feel so out of place being here and sharing my life with people I've never met, but I've lost touch with my friends and I'm afraid I should start keeping my personal torture to myself at this point as 21 months of talking about this is exhausting to everyone.  Its so hard to not dwell on what I used to have and to not feel scared to death that maybe my brain was affected differently than most people around here.  Having only 2 people relate to the extreme nature of what i am going through keeps me questioning everything and wondering if I will make it.  I appreciate you reaching out.  Its nice to get this crap off my chest.  I've been a horrible wreck since Christmas Day. 

[[Ma...]]

Hallo sleeplessMT;

 

Your story reminded me so much about myself.

Till before one year I was living my life I would say ok.Had my problems (neurological sickness) that I fighting very good.I had job, friends, family and I was happy.

Than in last November i got a hard attack p

of my neurological sickness.I could not move and my puls went over 250.I was thinking I am dieing.I have even seen a light...

This event left on me such a impact that I got PTSD.I started to feel scared and could not sleep.I was totally against medicals but after 1 month of almost total insomnia I took medical.It stop working so I took another one then another one...I change almost 4 different medicals in 15 daysYou can see my signiture.Nobody told me it is dangerous and doctors gave me them.Then I got xanax that i was from beginning thinking it is life saver, but very fast I developed first side effects and then tolerance...My symptoms are like yours.All from the book.I am hardly functional.My life is destroyed because doctors say I cannot be in WD because of low dosage and short period of time.So my family thinks I am crazy.I lost job and friends and I lost all my personality.I am scared, closed, worried and far away and i was never like that.I do not feel like my self more than 9 months now...And I am slowly losing it.My symptoms are now 5 months put worst then ever and I am tired...So you see I understand you.I had a life before all this garbage and than just because of medicals given to me buy doctors I do not have life anymore...I could just cry....

[[me...]]

I don't know much what to say, but I can understand the not wanting to share too much. This trigemninal neuropathy has really turned into hell, and I am in constant pain that no painkiller can really touch. No one has even heard of it, and it's hard to explain what it is like being in constant pain, when I look totally healthy on the outside. So I don't talk about it much, even with my husband, I don't want to be a "downer".

 

All we can do is take care of ourselves as best as we can, and keep looking for solutions. I figured out that all painkillers just make the situation worse for me (especially opioids). Tried medical marijuana and it gave me the hypnic jerks--I was thinking of you! Ironically, the only thing that helps me even a bit is a topical solution of clonazepam that I swab on areas at night (total amount is miniscule).

 

Try to believe in the power of the human body to heal and overcome, and support it however you can.

[[Ru...]]

The only thing I can say here is although you are missing out on precious times with your children, they will not remember this stage in their lives. I know this is little comfort as YOU want to enjoy being with them, but they are at an age where almost all their memories of the times you are spending together will be wiped out.

 

I was at my worst when my daughter was 7-8 and she remembers so little of that time. I was pretty much bed bound for a year, unable to take her to school, cook , socialise or do anything except put her to bed (I felt better in the evenings). When I mention that time, she has no recollection of it. She only remembers that we put two single beds together in her room and chatted a lot in the evenings; she remembers the worst time of my life- when I was severely suicidal and hanging on for dear life, with my family around me completely losing the plot, fondly!!!

 

I dont know if any of this helps you but through all of my suffering the one thing that hurt me most was how it was affecting my child. I dont think I needed to worry as much as I did. I think, perhaps, she was largely oblivious to it all.

 

 

[[Yo...]]

I'm so sorry for your sleep. I have same issue with falling asleep, but i blame water pipes that randomly vibrat e and wake me up. Is your bedroom on the first floor?