Nearly 9 months off and...

[Guest [We...]]

things are certainly not looking up.

 

When I read my early posts, I didn't expect (or actually, who did?) to be thrown into a limbo for 9 months, or actually 11 months, since a number of my symptoms (shaky fingers/toes, wrinkly fingers) popped up during my taper. I must say this time has been unimaginably cruel to me and the people closest to me. I’ve turned into a nightmare version of myself: I’m constantly negative, extremely nihilistic, and a complete pain in the ass to be around. I had all those qualities before, but benzo withdrawal has cranked those up to eleven. My nihilism used to be childish, more of a source of inspiration for my more creative ideas, but at the end of the day, completely harmless. Yet ever since I discovered how incredibly simple it is to completely and utterly ruin a life, it has changed drastically. At the beginning of February of this year, I decided to reinstate 1.75mg of Xanax for a taper, and after that my life was forever altered. I still remember the moment I made the decision when I was taking a stroll and noticed the elevated rebound anxiety of not taking a benzo. A week or two later I was – unbeknownst to me at that time – in tolerance withdrawal. At a tender age of 28, I still find it so unbelievable how a tiny little thought or an idea can have such a profound effect on the following months, or possibly years…

 

The main source of my pain is seeing others recover and get better, while I’m stuck with the same symptoms, month after month, with no improvement in sight. The only thing that has changed is my balance/disequilibrium getting worse this month, and of course my vision, which has gotten progressively worse ever since I quit taking Xanax. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means jealous of others who recover and get better. It’s just seeing all that propels me to overanalyze my own situation to find anything that might hinder me from getting better. Could it be my underlying anxiety and dp/dr? Could it be my environment, which is at times stressful? I simply have no clue. I have absolutely no idea what I’ve even turned into, when people say my name, I don’t even feel a connection to it, it is as if I’m a ghost; memories from my past don’t even seem like my own, it is as if they belong to another person. I experienced pretty severe chronic depersonalization for over 3 years before I tried benzos, and never did I feel this way or experienced these kind of absolutely horrendous symptoms and sensations.

 

I don’t even know what is the point of my writing this post? Am I really just playing a victim and being a crybaby? Yet, playing a victim would require a circumstance where things actually were in my control; I can’t control the symptoms no matter what. Or perhaps I’m simply using the latter as an excuse to express my pain and sorrow? Who knows... I could have just gone to bed and spared everyone the negativity, but for some reason, I still decided to write it all down, knowing full well that it wouldn’t help me ease any of my physical symptoms, and would probably freak some people out… and for that I’m sorry.

 

 

[[no...]]

I can really relate to the feeling of nihilsm and feeling like a ghost. I asked many of the same questions, I constantly tried to figure out a way out of the way I was feeling. Eventually I learned that I couldn't think my way out if the way I feel. It's like brushing your teeth with your teeth. I needed a way to transcend myself. There were lots of ways to do it. Mainly it was dedicating myself to a task that gave me some kind of satisfaction. But meditation, exercise, focusing on eating healthy and having better sleep hygiene, writing, drawing, anything you enjoy really, those are the things that worked for me. Most importantly, I reached out to people and talked about my problems. There's many ways and people to talk to, but without the self correcting measure of getting a different perspective and getting stuff off my chest, I was constantly trying to fix myself with myself, and that's an impossibility. Taking action, regardless of feelings, created in me a sense of fulfillment, being productive and staying busy also serves as a distraction.

 

Some days I would wake up with every fiber in my being screaming at me to crawl into a dark hole and hide. Part of this process was accepting those feelings and doing stuff anyway, regardless of how I felt. That for me was the best therapy, doing the exact thing that my brain is telling me not to. I always feel better getting up and being productive, not calling out of work etc.

 

Ironically, without the experience of withdrawal and depression, depression lasting years, I would have never had the experiences that have made me the person I am today, and I have so many more ways to deal with life that dont have to deal with ingesting chemicals. I came out the other side a much more confident and grateful person. Grateful for life, grateful that I was strong enough to push through unspeakable constant pain, and didn't get anything as a reward other than a strengthened character. Keep pushing through, take action, talk to others. You will heal, feelings will change, and so will you.

[Guest [We...]]

Thank you so much for replying, nostalgiapathy! It means a lot.

 

Yes, the distraction you recommended certainly rings true. Before all this, proper distraction activities worked like magic on me, and turned me into a different, better person -- albeit for a limited time. If I hadn't been lazy, and would have developed a hobby that I would have constantly done, I wouldn't be in this situation at all because there wouldn't have been a need for benzos in the first place.

 

I try to talk to people, sometimes it helps, but the the things that bother me the most, namely the physical symptoms of benzo wd are there regardless. Still, I'll try to continue doing that.

 

Once again, thank you for replying! 

 

[edit]

 

Just read your post again after having my morning coffee. Holy shit! It has a lot of valuable advice there, especially this: "I was constantly trying to fix myself with myself, and that's an impossibility." I should archive it or something.

[[Da...]]

I know how you feel I'm at 13 months and somewhat disappointed in myself. I had super hoped I would be better at the 1 year mark. I know it is going to pass but everyday that it doesn't makes me feel worse. Actually there is good news for you I noticed around 12 months that some of the symptoms have gotten better. I had such terrible DR/DP I could not relate to myself and def not other people. I noticed that some of the connections to my family are getting better. I don't really want to talk to them but it was nice being around everyone.

 

The bad symptoms I still have are anxiety and cognitive issues, those two are still killing me. I believe you and me will both get better.

[Guest [We...]]

I know how you feel I'm at 13 months and somewhat disappointed in myself. I had super hoped I would be better at the 1 year mark. I know it is going to pass but everyday that it doesn't makes me feel worse. Actually there is good news for you I noticed around 12 months that some of the symptoms have gotten better. I had such terrible DR/DP I could not relate to myself and def not other people. I noticed that some of the connections to my family are getting better. I don't really want to talk to them but it was nice being around everyone.

 

The bad symptoms I still have are anxiety and cognitive issues, those two are still killing me. I believe you and me will both get better.

 

I'm disappointed in myself as well. I hoped that at 6 and 9 months I would have some considerable improvement. I'd be totally fine with not being totally healed, but at least some noticeable improvement would have been nice. One thing this withdrawal process has taught me is not to get my hopes up, it's impossible to predict how it will go.

 

Anxiety is pretty bad for me as well, a lot worse than my pre-benzo anxiety, but if it wasn't for the physical symptoms, I could handle it. I have some cognitive issues as well, I just don't feel as if my brain is working at 100%. I tested my IQ a month ago and it hasn't changed.

[[no...]]

Heh, glad you got something out of it. I meant every word quite literally. Benzo healing can bring all sorts of weird symptoms including feeling like there's sort of mental handicap, but like you found, tests almost always show no evidence to back up symptoms. Partly why it's so scary, because the body and mind don't differentiate between benzo healing and actual illness. It all feels like something is wrong.

[[Fi...]]

I sometimes look at it this way:

 

We are creatures of logic and intuition and time and expectation, expecting everything to work along 'our' lines and somewhat shocked - if not very upset - if and when they don't.

 

However, in "Brainland", which to us can seem like a different planet, there is an entirely foreign system in operation - one that to us is strange, illogical, non-linear, apparently random and, sometimes, frighteningly surreal. Logical applications don't work there and expectations and time are foreign concepts. Despite this, and our lack of understanding of the system, huge work gets done there and quite surprising - astounding - results are achieved - all of it outside our comfort zone and control.

 

It would seem to me that the mistake we make every minute of every waking day in WD (as well as every sleepless night!) is in assuming we have, or ought to have, some degree of control over events in "Brainland" - and are constantly peeved to the point of insult when we find that that is not the case. We are back-seat passengers of the crankiest kind as a result - constantly trying to interfere with the processes and bitching about our interference having no effect... and on it goes.

 

Somehow, at another level, we understand that we should stand back and get out of the way. Big Hints are dropped to this effect. But such is our need for 'command & control' we are just plain uneasy about doing that...That one thing which, if only we could understand it, being the one thing that just might stop hampering the healing work that is going on right under our uncomprehending noses; Getting Out Of The Way.

 

I believe there is an innate, properly-qualified expertise at work - one which we will probably never get to understand, what with our language and logic an all - carrying out the healing process to its own expert specifications. Our job is to provide the nutrition and the other necessary resources and THEN to get out of the way - totally - and let the expert get on with the job.

 

[[Wi...]]

Im so pissed at myself. I had 7ish months under my belt and was feeling better every day then i new symptom slammed me. It was an unbelievable loud and intense tinnitus episode that hurt my ears and i also was having a spiking blood preasure attack of 200/110. Spiking bp is why i got on benzos to begin with. I usually am able to ride it out and hope i dont die as i ingest massive amounts of bp meds hoping i can get it down quickly. But this time it wasnt going down regardless how much bp meds i took and i was on that cusp where i thougnt it was either life or death or a stroke so i dissolved an emergency ati under my tongue. These withdrawal symptoms are by far the most fucked up ive ever experienced and ive kicked opiates dozens of times thruout life. Yet i could withstand the symptoms but when my bp spikes that high its rather rough wondering "am i going to die if i dont take an ati to bring it down quickly" or can i ride this spike out and live? For the past year of succesfully ridden them all out but this last one i truly though would kill me hence me taking the emergency ati i carry around. The first time ive done it in 7 straight months with nothing. I hope one ativan doesnt fuck up the withdrawal to much more then it already is. Although i can already tell that it seems that it did-unless this is just a new segue into new symptoms after seven months of nothing and acually feeling much better for a few weeks then BAM back to the withdrawal. I know time is the only healer and i pray i didnt add much more time to my wd by doing one lifesaving ati. What a trade off. One ati for who knows how much more suffering. This is so fucked up. Sorry-just needed to vent.

[Guest [We...]]

I think I'm getting worse and worse. Right now I'm genuinely terrified that I'm not going to survive this.

[Guest [We...]]

Damn, I think I might have the worst wave since I've jumped. I haven't followed the windows-waves pattern (yet), but my symptoms have been really-really bad for the past days.