6-month+ update

[[bl...]]

Even though I wrote my success story about a month ago, I've still been returning to update my blog. I do this more as a way of marking my progress than anything else. I want everyone suffering to take heart and have hope.

 

Right now, I count myself overall as 85% recovered and I think it's going to stay that way for a while.

 

I've no outstanding symptoms really, but I still have trouble mentally. I have days where I'm just foggy and dumb. Exercise helps in this regard though I also find myself battling laziness, which to be honest, isn't that alarming or terrible to me. That I can sit and stay and remain content is significant progress from the days of akathisia.

 

I still have issues with minor anxiety though I've not had a significant episode in months. Some days I'm not anxious at all. Most of the time, how I feel depends almost entirely on precipitating events. For example, this past week I dealt with Hurricane Matthew, which was very stressful. There were times where I felt myself losing grip on myself but I managed each time to reign myself in and cope. Then, on Saturday my father was admitted to the hospital with early kidney failure. Again, I felt myself slipping, but managed to turn it around. Each time I do this, it's a little easier. I'm a little more aware of how to fix it.

 

Depression too often gets the better of me, but it's comparably minor to how it was at the beginning of 2016 when I was suicidal. It comes and goes, and again, it's largely dictated by my thoughts. I do my best to avoid news and information source that might upset me. I don't always do so well, but I have made it a point to stay away from the forums here, which has helped a great deal.

 

Sleep wise, I'm doing well. Last night was deep with good dream sessions, though nothing too crazy. One the one hand, I don't lay there wired and skimming the surface, on the other, I don't dream all night long and feel like I've run a marathon. I know there still room for improvement, and yes, I'm still tapering the Remeron, but I'm down to 0.9mg, which is such a small crumb that it's hard to portion out the dose. Truth is, I don't know how much of an impact it has on my sleep, but I'm taking my time in this regard and letting the natural sleep process resume. Sleep almost invariably depends on where my mind is. If I can quiet my thoughts, I sleep well, if I let them overwhelm and run rampant, then I don't.

 

Finally, emotionally I feel much improved. This too is something I have room to grow, but I've met and fallen for a wonderful woman who has proven to be exactly what I needed to carry me forward. Beyond everything else, I'm most happy and proud of my ability to straighten my thoughts and feelings out in time to take full advantage of the opportunity to actually have a long, lasting, and loving relationship

 

I almost feel whole again. Things that once screwed me up like spicy food and B vitamins no longer have any effect. I drink coffee almost every morning though I avoid it after noon. I don't drink alcohol at all still, and I'm in no rush to get back to that. I know my brain and CNS is healing and will be restored 100% in due time, but for now, I'm giving it as much as it needs to get back. I'm amazed at and happy with my progress and though I still have a little ways to go, it's a lot less than even a month ago.

 

As it stands right now, I've plateaued a bit. My 6-month turnaround actually happened at 5 months, so I have reason to hope and believe that my full recovery will come a bit sooner than I'd hoped. I do have small regressions, but whereas at the beginning it was 1 step forward, 4 steps back, it's now fully 4 forward and 1 back. I don't even think about benzos or recovery 95% of the time. Maybe I still think of it too much, but I'm determined to forget and move on as soon as I can.

 

For the longest time, I never thought I'd get this far, but I did. Honestly, I sometimes wonder if I'll continue to move forward. I have a lot of progress to make still, but I know I can't stop, I won't stop, and so I have to believe things will evolve and improve with time.

[[Na...]]

Wow!!!! Your posts have helped me so much.  I'm 4 months out, acute is over, and I'm finally believing that i will recover, please post again  to encourage us.  Thank you so much.

[[bl...]]

Wow!!!! Your posts have helped me so much.  I'm 4 months out, acute is over, and I'm finally believing that i will recover, please post again  to encourage us.  Thank you so much.

 

You're welcome! You'll get there. There's no magic or great secret to this. It's just day after day, one foot in front of the other. Keep yourself pointed forward and it will come. 

[[Be...]]

Awesome that you are healing!!!! Thanks for coming back and updating! 

[[on...]]

thanks for the updates Blandthrax....reading them gives me a glimpse of what may be just around the corner for me. ....glad you are doing so well and hope someday soon I will be able to say I am 85% healed like you- not there yet but you give me hope!

[[be...]]

You are truly a inspiration.