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19 weeks tomorrow


[4a...]

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[4a...]

I'm far from being healed. I still have a huge cloud over my head.

 

BUT

 

For the first time in over 4 months, there is hope. This window won't last so I'm sharing.

 

Today I went to the post office to mail an application. I'm going to start school on january 2017 a few days before I turn 37.

It took everything I had, every ounce of courage I could muster, my legs were like jello and my heart was racing but I did it.

Now why did I do that when I can't even imagine myself going back to school? When all my thoughts are dark and my dreams nightmares?

I didn't do it for myself.

 

Since the very beginning of this ordeal, I have been hanging on by a thread, like so many of you but I kept going for my family. There's no way I'm going to make them suffer, they don't deserve it so I kept going. For them. For months it's been the only way I could think of to go through all this pain. Yesterday, I realized that I had forgotten someone, someone I should look after and that someone is : future me.

 

Future me deserves a break, deserves to be happy. She shouldn't spend the rest of her life working retail (been there, done that) because I was stupid and careless in the past. The reason why I'm going through hell right now is to get better. While everything is so painful, why not build something? When this is all over, future me will be born and I want her life to be great. I can't give up on her, she doesn't deserve it.

 

Of course I'll be the old gal in the classroom and I'll probably be made fun of but that will never be worse than benzo withdrawal right? Of course it's risky to go back to school with no income but I'm already going through the worst period of my life right?

 

When I am done, future me will be free of benzos, she will sleep at night and she will have a career. She will be able to walk proud for the first time.

 

So no, I'm not doing it for me because right now, I couldn't give a crap about being somebody. I'm doing it for someone else, someone who truly deserves to be happy. Besides, if I've learned something from this ordeal, it's that there is something worse than fear or failure and it is regret.

 

 

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[a9...]

I teach at a local community college (Astronomy 110 lecture tonight).  A lot of adults come back to the classroom after realizing the value of some additional education.  You will NOT be made fun of by anybody. 

 

btw - Congratulations for being able to get out and mail that application.  I know that it took some courage, but there's really no reason to be scared.  Just do the assigned work (don't get behind). 

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I'm far from being healed. I still have a huge cloud over my head.

 

BUT

 

For the first time in over 4 months, there is hope. This window won't last so I'm sharing.

 

Today I went to the post office to mail an application. I'm going to start school on january 2017 a few days before I turn 37.

It took everything I had, every ounce of courage I could muster, my legs were like jello and my heart was racing but I did it.

Now why did I do that when I can't even imagine myself going back to school? When all my thoughts are dark and my dreams nightmares?

I didn't do it for myself.

 

Since the very beginning of this ordeal, I have been hanging on by a thread, like so many of you but I kept going for my family. There's no way I'm going to make them suffer, they don't deserve it so I kept going. For them. For months it's been the only way I could think of to go through all this pain. Yesterday, I realized that I had forgotten someone, someone I should look after and that someone is : future me.

 

Future me deserves a break, deserves to be happy. She shouldn't spend the rest of her life working retail (been there, done that) because I was stupid and careless in the past. The reason why I'm going through hell right now is to get better. While everything is so painful, why not build something? When this is all over, future me will be born and I want her life to be great. I can't give up on her, she doesn't deserve it.

 

Of course I'll be the old gal in the classroom and I'll probably be made fun of but that will never be worse than benzo withdrawal right? Of course it's risky to go back to school with no income but I'm already going through the worst period of my life right?

 

When I am done, future me will be free of benzos, she will sleep at night and she will have a career. She will be able to walk proud for the first time.

 

So no, I'm not doing it for me because right now, I couldn't give a crap about being somebody. I'm doing it for someone else, someone who truly deserves to be happy. Besides, if I've learned something from this ordeal, it's that there is something worse than fear or failure and it is regret.

 

This is amazing worrymiss. Sure signs of healing in my opinion. Dont worry you wont be the old one in the class . I had people in their 50s and 40s in my classes . Always more than a few. Anytime in life is a good time to pursue knowledge age is irrelevant in that matter. I am so happy you are getting to the bottom of your inner problems and sorting them out.  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

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I'm far from being healed. I still have a huge cloud over my head.

 

BUT

 

For the first time in over 4 months, there is hope. This window won't last so I'm sharing.

 

Today I went to the post office to mail an application. I'm going to start school on january 2017 a few days before I turn 37.

It took everything I had, every ounce of courage I could muster, my legs were like jello and my heart was racing but I did it.

Now why did I do that when I can't even imagine myself going back to school? When all my thoughts are dark and my dreams nightmares?

I didn't do it for myself.

 

Since the very beginning of this ordeal, I have been hanging on by a thread, like so many of you but I kept going for my family. There's no way I'm going to make them suffer, they don't deserve it so I kept going. For them. For months it's been the only way I could think of to go through all this pain. Yesterday, I realized that I had forgotten someone, someone I should look after and that someone is : future me.

 

Future me deserves a break, deserves to be happy. She shouldn't spend the rest of her life working retail (been there, done that) because I was stupid and careless in the past. The reason why I'm going through hell right now is to get better. While everything is so painful, why not build something? When this is all over, future me will be born and I want her life to be great. I can't give up on her, she doesn't deserve it.

 

Of course I'll be the old gal in the classroom and I'll probably be made fun of but that will never be worse than benzo withdrawal right? Of course it's risky to go back to school with no income but I'm already going through the worst period of my life right?

 

When I am done, future me will be free of benzos, she will sleep at night and she will have a career. She will be able to walk proud for the first time.

 

So no, I'm not doing it for me because right now, I couldn't give a crap about being somebody. I'm doing it for someone else, someone who truly deserves to be happy. Besides, if I've learned something from this ordeal, it's that there is something worse than fear or failure and it is regret.

 

The "future you" is going to thank you.  :smitten: :smitten:

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Hi Worrymiss.

You're about 2 weeks behind me.  Congrats on making it this far out.  I hope you're walking tall and proud.

Some days are going to be harder than others but we are going to kick butt and get a life back full of health and happiness.

Stay strong and keep testing yourself.

Small achievements will soon turn into big rewards.

Tallow Love

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

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I'm far from being healed. I still have a huge cloud over my head.

 

BUT

 

For the first time in over 4 months, there is hope. This window won't last so I'm sharing.

 

Today I went to the post office to mail an application. I'm going to start school on january 2017 a few days before I turn 37.

It took everything I had, every ounce of courage I could muster, my legs were like jello and my heart was racing but I did it.

Now why did I do that when I can't even imagine myself going back to school? When all my thoughts are dark and my dreams nightmares?

I didn't do it for myself.

 

Since the very beginning of this ordeal, I have been hanging on by a thread, like so many of you but I kept going for my family. There's no way I'm going to make them suffer, they don't deserve it so I kept going. For them. For months it's been the only way I could think of to go through all this pain. Yesterday, I realized that I had forgotten someone, someone I should look after and that someone is : future me.

 

Future me deserves a break, deserves to be happy. She shouldn't spend the rest of her life working retail (been there, done that) because I was stupid and careless in the past. The reason why I'm going through hell right now is to get better. While everything is so painful, why not build something? When this is all over, future me will be born and I want her life to be great. I can't give up on her, she doesn't deserve it.

 

Of course I'll be the old gal in the classroom and I'll probably be made fun of but that will never be worse than benzo withdrawal right? Of course it's risky to go back to school with no income but I'm already going through the worst period of my life right?

 

When I am done, future me will be free of benzos, she will sleep at night and she will have a career. She will be able to walk proud for the first time.

 

So no, I'm not doing it for me because right now, I couldn't give a crap about being somebody. I'm doing it for someone else, someone who truly deserves to be happy. Besides, if I've learned something from this ordeal, it's that there is something worse than fear or failure and it is regret.

 

I am so happy for you! Brave one!!! You are doing great go on with that! I am sure you will find your way!! :smitten:

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[4a...]
Thank you guys. A huge wave hit me today, didn't sleep, full blown panic attack. I just hope this won't trigger the akathisia. Oh well...
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[a9...]

Why is it that every time one of us "celebrates" being off, we get hit by a huge wave?

Not fair.

 

I recall every time I had a slightly better day, I'd want to get out and do a bunch of stuff.  Almost always resulted in me sleeping worse that night then having a lousy next day.  But in time my ability to exert (and my sleep) improved. 

 

A wave-free celebration is in your future.

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