Relationship at risk of ending due to withdrawal

[[An...]]

Hi Everyone!

I just joined this site as I have been regularly reading posts and figured I may as well join. I started dating a wonderful man about 7 months ago. He was taking 1.0 mg ativan daily at night for the past three years and decided to taper off. He has a history of substance use and felt like stopping the ativan was the first step to full recovery. I fully support him in his recovery process, but neither of us were aware of what we were in for. He started tapering in early May/16 and gradually decreased his dosage each week. His doctor also prescribed him Valium to help wean him down slowly. He has been completely off benzos for close to two months now and there is still substantial impact on his mood. We went from being so close, him telling me he wanted to marry me, to completely distant. He focuses a lot of negative things and will often get stuck on the "small things". He says that he can't see anything positive in his life right now, not just me, but its still extremely hurtful. He will get hugely frustrated and upset about little things (ie. me leaving a pop can on the counter has turned into "i don't know if I can live with you, you're so messy!") I completely feel picked apart. He will at times tell me he knows he loves me and he knows we will get through this, but then it often changes the next day. Last week we decided that we should take a break since this has been extremely unfair to me. He wants the time to focus on himself, get back into his job/personal routine and then reassess our relationship. I know it sounds crazy, but I really believe that we are meant to be together and I'm terrified that he's never going to get better. There have been times where he has taken ativan (ie. prior to a family event he took some to feel better) and things are back to normal. He no longer feels uncertain about us and knows we will get through. But then... those times where he cannot see the positive at all and feels like we are "different people" and may not be the best for each other.. it **** with my head. Any thoughts? Support? Success stories? Again, I really love him and want to stand by him. I just feel myself counting the days not knowing when relief will come.

 

With love! 

 

edit: profanity

[[fe...]]

It sounds like u really love this person. I can not explain to u how irritable and irrational I Baca me during my withdrawal process. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for a whole year. I would give him plenty of room, and time, to heal. He needs it..

[[er...]]

It sounds like u really love this person. I can not explain to u how irritable and irrational I Baca me during my withdrawal process. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for a whole year. I would give him plenty of room, and time, to heal. He needs it..

 

I think, as a man, that ferggie has some great advice about giving the guy a lot of space.  I take it, that you are on BB, to sort of learn about withdrawing from a benzo?  If you really have a good relationship, he'll always remember that, and he'll probably want to come back to you after some time has passed.  Surviving benzo withdrawal is the hardest thing most of us will ever have to deal with (I hope), and he just (by nature of benzo w/d) isn't really "emotionally available" and it's NOT because of you, or anything wrong with you two.. meeting someone special is rare, so he won't forget.. he's just dealing with the most intense, long lasting headtrip that there is, so his first responsibility is to himself.  If I were him, i'd just like to know that there's no pressure on me (from you), and that you're there to support him if he ever needs you.. Hope this helps.. - Eric

[[Be...]]

Hi there

 

First, his doctor was an idiot to give him Xanax for withdrawal from benzos. It's like drinking whiskey to help stop drinking vodka.

 

Second, like us, he is brain damaged for a good 6  to 18 to 24 months so his unstable behavior is normal assuming he was ok before benzos.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would give him plenty of room. I would forget about normal dating or being together all the time. May be see him once in a while ( like every two weeks or once a month ) until he heals. That is if you still wait to try to keep this relationship

 

Sorry but what we are dealing with is out of this world. Look for parker's what is happening to your brain.

 

Good luck

[[An...]]

It sounds like u really love this person. I can not explain to u how irritable and irrational I Baca me during my withdrawal process. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for a whole year. I would give him plenty of room, and time, to heal. He needs it..

 

Thank you! This helps knowing that he will likely come through it eventually. I can't even imagine what he is going through. I'm definitely going to give him space and time. I guess I'm being a bit impatient trying to figure out timelines when reality is, everyone is different.

[[An...]]

Hi there

 

First, his doctor was an idiot to give him Xanax for withdrawal from benzos. It's like drinking whiskey to help stop drinking vodka.

 

Second, like us, he is brain damaged for a good 6  to 18 to 24 months so his unstable behavior is normal assuming he was ok before benzos.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would give him plenty of room. I would forget about normal dating or being together all the time. May be see him once in a while ( like every two weeks or once a month ) until he heals. That is if you still wait to try to keep this relationship

 

Sorry but what we are dealing with is out of this world. Look for parker's what is happening to your brain.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you!!!! I totally understand its a nightmare. An absolute nightmare. Good luck on your journey!

[[An...]]

I think, as a man, that ferggie has some great advice about giving the guy a lot of space.  I take it, that you are on BB, to sort of learn about withdrawing from a benzo?  If you really have a good relationship, he'll always remember that, and he'll probably want to come back to you after some time has passed.  Surviving benzo withdrawal is the hardest thing most of us will ever have to deal with (I hope), and he just (by nature of benzo w/d) isn't really "emotionally available" and it's NOT because of you, or anything wrong with you two.. meeting someone special is rare, so he won't forget.. he's just dealing with the most intense, long lasting headtrip that there is, so his first responsibility is to himself.  If I were him, i'd just like to know that there's no pressure on me (from you), and that you're there to support him if he ever needs you.. Hope this helps.. - Eric

 

I'm here on BB to learn about withdrawal so I can better understand what he is going through. Thanks so much for saying that he will remember our relationship. I think my greatest fear is that once he gets through this he will continue to believe some of the irrational thoughts he has been having. I totally understand he needs to take the time to himself. I want him to get better. He has been through A TON in his life and this (he says) is the hardest. Right now, we talk periodically (texting), but I recommended him taking a couple months before we see each other. I really don't want him to have the pressure of a relationship in addition to feeling like complete shit right now. Thanks for the reassurance.

[[Ex...]]

You are awesome for understanding. Don't take it personal, because it's not personal, he's attempting to copen with something that has changed his whole life temporarily. The worst part of it is that I'm sure he is really trying to get back to his normal self, but right, there is nothing he can do about it, but just let it pass. Give him support when he wants it, and the same applies for giving him space.  Just remember when you give him space, you are giving him exactly what he needs, at that time.  But it does get better...

[[An...]]

You are awesome for understanding. Don't take it personal, because it's not personal, he's attempting to copen with something that has changed his whole life temporarily. The worst part of it is that I'm sure he is really trying to get back to his normal self, but right, there is nothing he can do about it, but just let it pass. Give him support when he wants it, and the same applies for giving him space.  Just remember when you give him space, you are giving him exactly what he needs, at that time.  But it does get better...

 

Thank you! This may be a naive question, but.... in your experience, did things get better every month? Or... is the recovery process not linear? As each month passes, I hope that things are getting better in his head, but I refrain from asking because he is absolutely exhausted from answering the question of "How he's feeling" from his family and myself.

 

THANKS!

[Guest [Le...]]

Absolutely agree with the prior posts, and may I add that people in the thick of post-withdrawal recovery are often still incapable of believing that there is a future, or that happiness can even exist.

 

The Ativan or Xanax can seem to 'fix' everything because it does what our bodies can no longer do on their own. It takes a while for those neurotransmitters to repair themselves, which is what will allow him to experience joy and hope again. It does take a few months though, so patience is key.

Lots of luck to you both! 

 

Edit: Clarification

[[Ni...]]

This is the worst thing I've been through.  My recommendation and what I myself wish from family members and friends is validation, compassion and hope.  Educate yourself about benzo withdrawal, and be there for him when he's ready.  Give him hope that this is temporary and will pass in time.  This experience is similiar to a brain injury and given enough time it heals. Good luck and we are here to support you and your bf.

[[Ch...]]

One fairly common symptom of this is emotional deadness, the inability to feel love for people we know we do love.  I'm not saying that's what's going on with him, but it could be.  So I think giving him some time and space may be the best thing for you both.  He's going through a lot of change right now...but eventually it will all be for the better.

[[Ex...]]

You are awesome for understanding. Don't take it personal, because it's not personal, he's attempting to copen with something that has changed his whole life temporarily. The worst part of it is that I'm sure he is really trying to get back to his normal self, but right, there is nothing he can do about it, but just let it pass. Give him support when he wants it, and the same applies for giving him space.  Just remember when you give him space, you are giving him exactly what he needs, at that time.  But it does get better...

 

Thank you! This may be a naive question, but.... in your experience, did things get better every month? Or... is the recovery process not linear? As each month passes, I hope that things are getting better in his head, but I refrain from asking because he is absolutely exhausted from answering the question of "How he's feeling" from his family and myself.

 

THANKS!

To be honest, no, I didn't find I improved with each passing month. I'm 2 months out, and some weeks are great, and others feel like I've started over again. But, the good news is, even when it felt as though I was starting over, I was really healing perfectly. It just takes times, and as hard as it may be, you have to allow that time to come and pass, but again, the good news is - he is getting better as we speak, you just have to trust that.

[[be...]]

It sounds like u really love this person. I can not explain to u how irritable and irrational I Baca me during my withdrawal process. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for a whole year. I would give him plenty of room, and time, to heal. He needs it..

 

Your therapist is right. I would be happily married now and feel so much better if I didn't kick him out of the house when I was on my full dose. Finding him in MY bed with another woman didn't help matters.

[[Sh...]]

Anne129, I second what all the others have already said.  This is not the "real" man you are dealing with, but a simulacrum of who he really is due to benzo withdrawal.  Give him the space he wants and needs and if the relationship is strong in every other respect, it will endure.

 

My only different piece of advice is for YOU.  Support him in any way you can when he asks. But don't focus entirely on HIS needs and neglect your own during this time.  Use this time apart to be kind to yourself, to focus on yourself when not with him, to pursue friendships and interests that maybe you don't share with your BF.  Then when you come back together at a later date, you will be mentally and physically and emotionally healthier to go forward.

 

XX

She

[[re...]]

 

 

I feel terrible for my family with how I act sometime during this withdrawal....

 

I whine

I cry

I beg for help

I apologize

I scream

 

I don't do all these all the time, but I do them sometimes..... I feel SOOO bad my family is seeing me this way....

Makes me sometime want to just drive away so they don't have to deal with it

 

I so pray this will be over soon.... I am tipping on 7 months since my last pill.

[[be...]]

Here is the link to Parker's What's Happening to Your Brain. It's a very good read and will give you a good idea what your bf is going through. Just click on the link and read. I hope it will help you to understand him better. Best of luck to the both of you.

 

Betsy

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=66397.0

[[An...]]

Thank you all for your kind words/support. I'm going to take this time to focus on me cuz it hasn't been an easy ride. It's so helpful to hear everyones personal stories because not enough is known about benzos. I feel so naive for trusting doctors when they prescribe medications. If it weren't for this group I would probably listen more to what family/friends say. "Maybe it's just his personality off the ativan?... Maybe you were wrong? How much of this is HIM versus withdrawal?" Hearing your stories sounds EXACTLY like what he's feeling/going through. I really hope we can work through it.. for now I will leave him alone to heal because I know bringing me through this is even worse for him than doing it alone.

 

[[An...]]

You are awesome for understanding. Don't take it personal, because it's not personal, he's attempting to copen with something that has changed his whole life temporarily. The worst part of it is that I'm sure he is really trying to get back to his normal self, but right, there is nothing he can do about it, but just let it pass. Give him support when he wants it, and the same applies for giving him space.  Just remember when you give him space, you are giving him exactly what he needs, at that time.  But it does get better...

 

Thank you! This may be a naive question, but.... in your experience, did things get better every month? Or... is the recovery process not linear? As each month passes, I hope that things are getting better in his head, but I refrain from asking because he is absolutely exhausted from answering the question of "How he's feeling" from his family and myself.

 

THANKS!

To be honest, no, I didn't find I improved with each passing month. I'm 2 months out, and some weeks are great, and others feel like I've started over again. But, the good news is, even when it felt as though I was starting over, I was really healing perfectly. It just takes times, and as hard as it may be, you have to allow that time to come and pass, but again, the good news is - he is getting better as we speak, you just have to trust that.

 

I kind of figured that by the way he has been acting. One minute it's "we are going to be okay" and the next day it's completely different. It helps to know what to expect. Good luck to you! Everyone on this site is so strong. Keep fightin' 

[[Da...]]

Hi Anne129, I went to rehab last November and got detoxed over five days. My girlfriend and I had lived together for 12 years, when I got home we no longer seemed to have any connection. She started going crazy over the fact I was so sick, she believed I was faking, said withdrawal would not last so long and that I was just depressed. And this was everyday not once in a while. By January I could not take it anymore, I was so sick and on top of that I had to deal with her. We were having crazy out of control arguments everyday. So in January she moved out . I have never been alone in my whole life so when this happened and I was still so sick it has been difficult.

 

So breakups happen as a result of this, but what if I had cancer would she have acted the same way. That was one of my experiences I thought I would tell you about it. I hope things go the way you want.

[[Ch...]]

Anne129, there are wonderful posts here for you. Please read the Parker/brain link and save it for future rereading. It is 8 weeks exactly since my last Klonopin and it has been hell, but is getting better almost every day.

All of my relationships have suffered major damage and making new ones at age 65 is just about impossible. Even yesterday I had an unrecognized anxiety rush when things around me were not "in order" and verbally struck out at my room-mate/brother...thank goodness he told me he didn't deserve being barked at and left the room. Because of my extensive reading of what was going on in ME, I was able to process the sequence of events and make amends by explaining to him what had happened....seems like it is so very easy to strike out at the ones we love the most, probably because THEY LOVE US and want to help!!!!

He will heal but it takes time and much support, especially since he and I have always sought relief from internal problems through external things like drugs.  I hope and pray he can afford a Psychologist to help him process how he got to this point and how to emerge a stronger happier person.

I know it isn't funny to YOU, but the soda can episode made me chuckle because I can relate to that agitation he must have felt when his disordered universe seemed even more out of whack by that soda can being where it shouldn't be (in his mind). It is a symptom of HIS internal disorder NOT YOURS!!!

Yes, please take care of yourself and do NOT internalize HIS distress..it isn't about YOU, it is about him and his pain and suffering.

Best wishes!

I hope you will keep posting and he will start. Hang in there, you seem like a wonderful, caring, compassionate person.

[[An...]]

Hi Anne129, I went to rehab last November and got detoxed over five days. My girlfriend and I had lived together for 12 years, when I got home we no longer seemed to have any connection. She started going crazy over the fact I was so sick, she believed I was faking, said withdrawal would not last so long and that I was just depressed. And this was everyday not once in a while. By January I could not take it anymore, I was so sick and on top of that I had to deal with her. We were having crazy out of control arguments everyday. So in January she moved out . I have never been alone in my whole life so when this happened and I was still so sick it has been difficult.

 

So breakups happen as a result of this, but what if I had cancer would she have acted the same way. That was one of my experiences I thought I would tell you about it. I hope things go the way you want.

 

That is such an awful story! I definitely understand that relationships do end from this... I'm trying to hang in there because he is sick. I definitely don't believe he's faking it. In fact it amazes me how well he has been masking the hell that he's enduring. Others may not even recognize it. Since I'm the one closest to him I usually get the backlash. I even have times where I'll be crying because my feelings are so hurt and it will turn into anger at myself because I KNOW he's acting this way because he is sick. Sometimes it's hard not to be drawn in.  :'(

[[An...]]

Anne129, there are wonderful posts here for you. Please read the Parker/brain link and save it for future rereading. It is 8 weeks exactly since my last Klonopin and it has been hell, but is getting better almost every day.

All of my relationships have suffered major damage and making new ones at age 65 is just about impossible. Even yesterday I had an unrecognized anxiety rush when things around me were not "in order" and verbally struck out at my room-mate/brother...thank goodness he told me he didn't deserve being barked at and left the room. Because of my extensive reading of what was going on in ME, I was able to process the sequence of events and make amends by explaining to him what had happened....seems like it is so very easy to strike out at the ones we love the most, probably because THEY LOVE US and want to help!!!!

He will heal but it takes time and much support, especially since he and I have always sought relief from internal problems through external things like drugs.  I hope and pray he can afford a Psychologist to help him process how he got to this point and how to emerge a stronger happier person.

I know it isn't funny to YOU, but the soda can episode made me chuckle because I can relate to that agitation he must have felt when his disordered universe seemed even more out of whack by that soda can being where it shouldn't be (in his mind). It is a symptom of HIS internal disorder NOT YOURS!!!

Yes, please take care of yourself and do NOT internalize HIS distress..it isn't about YOU, it is about him and his pain and suffering.

Best wishes!

I hope you will keep posting and he will start. Hang in there, you seem like a wonderful, caring, compassionate person.

 

Thank you! Yes... It is quite hilarious looking back. Poor guy. I've gotten really good at recognizing when it's the "withdrawal talking". I will now cut him off with a swift "shut it down" when he starts on something. It gives him the opportunity to step back... Think.... And realize that it MAY not be that big of a deal. I'm so glad that he has the ability (most times) to reflect and understand when he's being unreasonable. But... I always feel bad when he says sorry... Cuz it's constant. It can't feel good to lash out at someone and then feel bad afterwards. That's why this break is necessary.

 

Good luck with your recovery!!

[[be...]]

Hi Anne129, I went to rehab last November and got detoxed over five days. My girlfriend and I had lived together for 12 years, when I got home we no longer seemed to have any connection. She started going crazy over the fact I was so sick, she believed I was faking, said withdrawal would not last so long and that I was just depressed. And this was everyday not once in a while. By January I could not take it anymore, I was so sick and on top of that I had to deal with her. We were having crazy out of control arguments everyday. So in January she moved out . I have never been alone in my whole life so when this happened and I was still so sick it has been difficult.

 

So breakups happen as a result of this, but what if I had cancer would she have acted the same way. That was one of my experiences I thought I would tell you about it. I hope things go the way you want.

 

I bet she'd hover over you day and night. Because it is an obvious case of a medical illness.