I'm wondering....is this it?

[[Jo...]]

My worst symptoms have subsided.  They were horrible. They started immediately last year when I decided to stop taking Xanax.  I didn't really have a taper schedule, just tried to stop taking them as much as I could.  Each day was different.  Then I finally stopped taking anything and just suffered through.  I can't even believe the struggle each day.  Trying to work, keep up any responsibilities I had, just making it through each day at all.

 

I wrote down a few of my worst symptoms.  I couldn't really keep a journal, couldn't focus and had no interest in doing so anyway.  Constant sinus infections, horrible trouble breathing out of my chest, spasms in my back, neck, shoulder blades, jaw, and teeth, the burning (dear God the burning...), muscles so achy, couldn't look anyone in the eye, socially awkward, depression and major anxiety hit, stomach rumbly all the time, headaches, etc.  I'm sure there was more but basically my life came to a standstill other than the stuff I had to do.

 

I believe it was last October I started weaning off, and jumped in December 2015.  So I'm about 8 1/2 months off?  Most of the bad symptoms have gone.  So I feel like I shouldn't be complaining too much, and I do feel major relief when I think of what's gone.  But I definitely don't feel joy or anything like that.  I don't feel majorly depressed or anxious, just a little bit.  I'm still very antisocial and don't want to go out and do anything with people.  I do though - I can fake it.  If I have a few cocktails that makes things better.

 

Basically, I feel kind of like I'm in purgatory?  Not bad, not good, just here.  I still have some burning headaches (Advil doesn't work), anxiety when having to go out among a lot of people (not debilitating though by any means), muscle fatigue (can't walk for too long), and no real confidence.  I don't feel I look good, just haggard I guess.  I'm just here, neither happy or unhappy.  But I don't feel the complete apathy I did a few months ago.

 

Does any of this make sense?  Will I feel better?  I knew when I was really sick that those would subside eventually, but this is neither really bad or really good.  I'd like to feel the joy and happiness and gratefulness other people describe.  I'm just wondering if this is it, or all there is?  I can get by ok if I know better times are coming?

 

 

[[me...]]

Hi,

 

You were a long term xanax user, and for some of us healing takes a long time.  The fact that some of your symptoms have gone actually bodes well for your future healing.  No one can say exactly how long that will take, though, so hang in there.  You'll heal eventually.

 

[[bl...]]

 

Basically, I feel kind of like I'm in purgatory?  Not bad, not good, just here.  I still have some burning headaches (Advil doesn't work), anxiety when having to go out among a lot of people (not debilitating though by any means), muscle fatigue (can't walk for too long), and no real confidence.  I don't feel I look good, just haggard I guess.  I'm just here, neither happy or unhappy.  But I don't feel the complete apathy I did a few months ago.

 

Does any of this make sense?  Will I feel better?  I knew when I was really sick that those would subside eventually, but this is neither really bad or really good.  I'd like to feel the joy and happiness and gratefulness other people describe.  I'm just wondering if this is it, or all there is?  I can get by ok if I know better times are coming?

 

You sound like me. Nothing great, nothing bad, just meh. I've asked this question in one form or another a couple times and the answer I always get is that it gets better.

 

I certainly don't believe this is it. I know how I felt before benzos, before all the anxiety and torment, and I know there are better days behind me, so there must be better days to come. Right now, we've plateaued, and my guess is that you should see more relief in the coming weeks and months as your CNS continues to recover.

[[Gi...]]

Sounds just like me. I also started having weird anxiety whenever I feel better    It's like I would start enjoying something or planning a trip, got even excited and then bam - anxiety hits me, as if my mind doesn't allow me to have fun... And I would go meh or numb and just stay home. Difficult to describe it really...

[[Er...]]

I'm right there with you on most everything you mentioned except I don't have headaches. I'm not nearly as far along as I had hoped but am better than I was the first few months. But I'm also stuck lower than I was around month 4-5. Good luck!

[[Jo...]]

Thank you all, this is really reassuring.  I hate that we're stuck here in limbo like this, but none of us are alone.  For months now one of the things that has kept me going is the thought that one day I'd feel better and happier.  The thought of "when I feel great I'm going to....and I'll be ready for..."  It gave me something to look forward to.  It might not have been the best approach, and even though I had to take each day as it came and sometimes hour by hour (and still do), I always still keep telling myself "when I feel great I'm going to...." 

 

But now I've been feeling just bland.  I have some lingering symptoms but nothing crazy compared to before.  I definitely wish they'd go away though.  Then I get scared that this is the real me, the blandness.  Before when I felt so bad, I had nowhere to go but up. 

[[Jo...]]

 

Basically, I feel kind of like I'm in purgatory?  Not bad, not good, just here.  I still have some burning headaches (Advil doesn't work), anxiety when having to go out among a lot of people (not debilitating though by any means), muscle fatigue (can't walk for too long), and no real confidence.  I don't feel I look good, just haggard I guess.  I'm just here, neither happy or unhappy.  But I don't feel the complete apathy I did a few months ago.

 

Does any of this make sense?  Will I feel better?  I knew when I was really sick that those would subside eventually, but this is neither really bad or really good.  I'd like to feel the joy and happiness and gratefulness other people describe.  I'm just wondering if this is it, or all there is?  I can get by ok if I know better times are coming?

 

You sound like me. Nothing great, nothing bad, just meh. I've asked this question in one form or another a couple times and the answer I always get is that it gets better.

 

I certainly don't believe this is it. I know how I felt before benzos, before all the anxiety and torment, and I know there are better days behind me, so there must be better days to come. Right now, we've plateaued, and my guess is that you should see more relief in the coming weeks and months as your CNS continues to recover.

 

That's just really good to hear, that others told you it gets better. I'll think of it as a plateau.  Yes, I've had a few days better than where I'm at now.  I haven't really been a windows and waves person, my symptoms would hang around for awhile and then slowly subside.  Other symptoms would appear and same thing.  But I've had good moments. 

 

I wasn't great before benzos.  I was ok and fine in a lot of ways but definitely felt anxiety and depression sometimes.  But I also felt a lot of ups too, a lot of happiness and excitement.  I guess that life and it's normal, maybe I was normal.  Ha ha.

 

I really appreciate your words and post.  I'll think of it as a plateau and keep hoping.  Just as you are, I know.  Thank you!

[[Jo...]]

Sounds just like me. I also started having weird anxiety whenever I feel better    It's like I would start enjoying something or planning a trip, got even excited and then bam - anxiety hits me, as if my mind doesn't allow me to have fun... And I would go meh or numb and just stay home. Difficult to describe it really...

 

Yes, same here!  It's really frustrating.  I've had moments of getting excited about something, and then get meh.  Perfect description.  I couldn't put it into words before but that's basically it.  I hate it. 

[[Bl...]]

For months now one of the things that has kept me going is the thought that one day I'd feel better and happier.  The thought of "when I feel great I'm going to....and I'll be ready for..."  It gave me something to look forward to.  It might not have been the best approach, and even though I had to take each day as it came and sometimes hour by hour (and still do), I always still keep telling myself "when I feel great I'm going to...." 

 

Jordy2016, I have been doing this for most the duration of this ordeal…and am at this very moment, anxiously looking forward to returning to previous things I did on autopilot prior to this nightmare that snuck up on me by surprise. LOL

 

There are even things I’ve never experienced that I think on most days with eager anticipation!

 

Nothing wrong with dwelling on happier times!! This benzo experience is exhausting….sooo thinking on better times, whether in hopes of these things happening tomorrow/next week/next year or some undetermined amount of time from today, is definitely good therapy….and it’s free!

[[Ch...]]

There are a lot of subtle symptoms near the end, and I think that's where you are in this.  I like this description of the stages of recovery:

 

FOUR PHASES of WITHDRAWAL:  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=156111.0

 

[[ho...]]

Jordy, have you had any windows??

[[Sy...]]

I would say

I HAVE COW SHIT IN MY HEAD

24/7...

 

[[Jo...]]

For months now one of the things that has kept me going is the thought that one day I'd feel better and happier.  The thought of "when I feel great I'm going to....and I'll be ready for..."  It gave me something to look forward to.  It might not have been the best approach, and even though I had to take each day as it came and sometimes hour by hour (and still do), I always still keep telling myself "when I feel great I'm going to...." 

 

Jordy2016, I have been doing this for most the duration of this ordeal…and am at this very moment, anxiously looking forward to returning to previous things I did on autopilot prior to this nightmare that snuck up on me by surprise. LOL

 

There are even things I’ve never experienced that I think on most days with eager anticipation!

 

Nothing wrong with dwelling on happier times!! This benzo experience is exhausting….sooo thinking on better times, whether in hopes of these things happening tomorrow/next week/next year or some undetermined amount of time from today, is definitely good therapy….and it’s free!

 

I totally agree! It's made me feel a lot better in the past and has been something to look forward to and believe in.  I'm hoping this isn't it though - I can wait longer, I'd just like things to be a bit better!

[[Jo...]]

There are a lot of subtle symptoms near the end, and I think that's where you are in this.  I like this description of the stages of recovery:

 

FOUR PHASES of WITHDRAWAL:  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=156111.0

 

This is GREAT.  Very good info.  I seem to fit in phase 3 now, and that's really good to me.  I've hopefully gotten over the worst (although I never say never now), and have phase 4 to look forward to.  Which describes what I've read on here about fully healing so I hope to get to that point eventually.  Thank you!

[[Jo...]]

Jordy, have you had any windows??

 

I've had a few hours here and there where I seem to be mostly symptom free. I've never had days at a time, my symptoms seemed to slowly diminish (as opposed to completely going away from one day to the next) and others would appear.

[[Ce...]]

There are a lot of subtle symptoms near the end, and I think that's where you are in this.  I like this description of the stages of recovery:

 

FOUR PHASES of WITHDRAWAL:  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=156111.0

 

I like this one, too Challis, thanks 

[[il...]]

Jordy,

 

We're almost at exactly the same point. I know *exactly* what you mean re: "is this it?" because we've improved soooo much. But, the lurking sxs cause us to doubt that it gets any better. I don't know about you, but I've had a bunch of Windows now of complete and total peace and calmness. You will get them soon. In the middle of a short wave just yesterday, I thought, "I'm just existing," but, it passed.

 

Keep in mind - physicals are all but gone, minus the occasional pop-up. Now emotional and mental are breaking up and going away. They last longer. I think that "existing" feeling is what they call blunting. It'll get better. It has for me. Mental sxs are a fraction of what they were, too. Just keep going!

[[bl...]]

Keep in mind - physicals are all but gone, minus the occasional pop-up. Now emotional and mental are breaking up and going away. They last longer. I think that "existing" feeling is what they call blunting. It'll get better. It has for me. Mental sxs are a fraction of what they were, too. Just keep going!

 

I hope so. I feel so little joy in my life and yet have so much to be grateful for, and I hate that. It's like I can't wait for most days to be over. I have to go run miles at the gym just to gain any kind of peace, which is taxing and hard on my body. I just want a decent window, to breathe easy for a few days.

[[Jo...]]

Jordy,

 

We're almost at exactly the same point. I know *exactly* what you mean re: "is this it?" because we've improved soooo much. But, the lurking sxs cause us to doubt that it gets any better. I don't know about you, but I've had a bunch of Windows now of complete and total peace and calmness. You will get them soon. In the middle of a short wave just yesterday, I thought, "I'm just existing," but, it passed.

 

Keep in mind - physicals are all but gone, minus the occasional pop-up. Now emotional and mental are breaking up and going away. They last longer. I think that "existing" feeling is what they call blunting. It'll get better. It has for me. Mental sxs are a fraction of what they were, too. Just keep going!

 

YES this is exactly what I was trying to put into words.  You've definitely helped with this.  Just so reassuring.  I feel I can look forward again and be ok with how things are now. 

[[er...]]

Great post and great responses from people.. Thanks for this! - Eric