I just want to be normal

[[bl...]]

For all the progress I've made, here I am almost 4 months into recovery and I feel that same sense of unknown that I had back in acute.

 

I don't know how to be. I have no confidence, no flair, I feel dead inside most days. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Every day feels like Groundhog Day. I wake up exactly the same, like I have no idea what I'm doing or how to go about my day.

 

I'm so sick of feeling lost and confused. I'm so sick of saying I'm going to do something and then having no idea how to do it. I feel like my life has ground to a halt, and the only things I can do now are the things I already knew how to do.

 

Sorry, I just need to vent. I've been slogging through a wave this week.

[[Ja...]]

For all the progress I've made, here I am almost 4 months into recovery and I feel that same sense of unknown that I had back in acute.

 

I don't know how to be. I have no confidence, no flair, I feel dead inside most days. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Every day feels like Groundhog Day. I wake up exactly the same, like I have no idea what I'm doing or how to go about my day.

 

I'm so sick of feeling lost and confused. I'm so sick of saying I'm going to do something and then having no idea how to do it. I feel like my life has ground to a halt, and the only things I can do now are the things I already knew how to do.

 

Sorry, I just need to vent. I've been slogging through a wave this week.

 

When you are in a wave, doesn't it feel like you are never going to get better and this is going to be your norm?  I know how you feel.  I am just over 4 months and I too thought I would be better by now.  What I personally am going to do is instead of journaling when I am in a wave, journal when in a window so you remember there are little lights at the end of a tunnel. 

[[Da...]]

Hi Blandthrax, I know what you are going through is very difficult. I am way ahead of you at 8 months and I still have so many problems. I did not do the taper I got detoxed in rehab so that part was very difficult for me. Then lots of personal problems after that.

 

I was really happy for you that you were feeling better. I think right now maybe you are in a wave. But I know exactly what you mean about having a lack of confidence and I definitely sympathize with everyday being groundhog day. The thing right now for me is I'm not working after I have worked almost everyday of my whole life. A lot of people would look at me and I think maybe I feel retired or I'm enjoying myself not working but they could not be more wrong. I despise the person I'm now. I want to become a lot better but when and how will I be able to do it. I know you feel similar.

 

We have to just get up and try to feel like we are more confident if it takes us a while longer. I hope you feel better soon.

[[on...]]

I totally get how you feel Blandthrax- like you I was feeling great- dared to think maybe I was healed but then POW - this week got slammed- anxiety, surges, shakiness, feeling like a xanax would help but I  know I can't take one....feel like I am back where I started- I know it's a wave and I will get through it but it is so  hard when you start to feel really  really good and feel so hopeful about the future. Hang in there and I will too- gotta believe better days are ahead for us both !

[[Ma...]]

I am in a wave too... here comes a hug and the wish that we will be out there soon. In your posts I have seen progress from the beginning and in your case I am sure you will be fine some day..

[[bl...]]

I am in a wave too... here comes a hug and the wish that we will be out there soon. In your posts I have seen progress from the beginning and in your case I am sure you will be fine some day..

 

Hugs to you too Marigold. It's been a bad week. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. It should get better soon, I hope. Every time I'm in a wave I feel like it's never going to end, but it does, eventually.

[[Ma...]]

I am in a wave too... here comes a hug and the wish that we will be out there soon. In your posts I have seen progress from the beginning and in your case I am sure you will be fine some day..

 

Hugs to you too Marigold. It's been a bad week. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. It should get better soon, I hope. Every time I'm in a wave I feel like it's never going to end, but it does, eventually.

 

I never realized such "waves" as others and you are writing about. I had waves all over one day:-) now its the first time that I have the feeling I am not coming out any more of this mess so I guess thats a big wave:-))

Continue what you have learned and don't think about the why and what and so on. - spiraling is not helping. keep your mind busy and find something you can dream about and dream much as you can.

[[bl...]]

From the way I understand it, both through Parker's writings and talking to others, this is the brain healing. It spends time fixing something and then its done and you feel better and it goes on to heal something else. I know this and was warned - don't be surprised if you hit a point where you feel like you're not getting better, and maybe you even slide backward a bit, but never as bad as before.

 

It's exactly like that. But hey, I've been good, I've continued to exercise and read and write and work and do as much as my brain will let me. I have my intentions, I know what I want, I just have to continue to wait and refine my thoughts and be patient. I've had many good days since my jump, so maybe this wave just means that my brain is getting ready for a grand reopening of sorts. I get little glimpses and glimmers here and there, little pockets of normal, like a radio station that's hard to tune into, where I say, "ahh that's it!" and then it goes away, so something is definitely happening.

 

I could sit down and list all the things I used to think and feel and compare them to how I think and feel now, and it would be amazing just how much I've changed and improved. Still, we don't see that improvement when it feels like we're down in it.

[[Ja...]]

I love your analogy of the radio station and static.  There are small points during the day I 'forgot' I am going through this but sadly the fear seems to always return.  I look forward to having more moments of forgetting in the future where soon the fear will be a distant memory I wish this for you and everyone struggling through this. 

[[bl...]]

Hello blandthrax!

I'm so sorry you are struggling sweetheart!!

I want you to know that it very well WILL get better hun! Please hang on tight! I know it's very tough but you WILL get thru this mess!! I PROMISE YOU it WILL get better. ..much better and then it will eventually ALL go away!!

 

Please stay strong hun! Lots of love...BIG

[[il...]]

Blandthrax, please hang in. I got worse before I got better and that was at month 4, too. It was horrible, as if acute started all over again. I PROMISE, it gets better. Just buckle up and stay the course!

[[bl...]]

I love your analogy of the radio station and static.  There are small points during the day I 'forgot' I am going through this but sadly the fear seems to always return.  I look forward to having more moments of forgetting in the future where soon the fear will be a distant memory I wish this for you and everyone struggling through this.

 

The fear goes away. Try this, here's a picture of the brain with the amygdala highlighted:

 

http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/files/authors/faculty/295/amygdala.jpg

 

Now, you picture that, the brain's fear center. Right now your amygdala is enlarged because you're used to be in fight or flight mode.

 

Whenever you feel fearful, you close your eyes and picture your amygdala shrinking. Talk to it, say, "it's okay amygdala, I got this, no need to worry." Every time you're fearful, do this. This is the same thing people with chronic pain are being taught with neuroplasticity. It works. Give it a couple weeks, keep fighting back against the fear. Be positive, get your amygdala on your side, you're it's friend. This is your brain, so there are things you can control, and it takes time, but the fear will go away.

[[bl...]]

Blandthrax, please hang in. I got worse before I got better and that was at month 4, too. It was horrible, as if acute started all over again. I PROMISE, it gets better. Just buckle up and stay the course!

 

Thanks, it's good to see you're still around. I'm just riding through a rough patch, but I'm staying busy and I have someone who's keeping me occupied, so good things are happening despite my brain's lack of cooperation. I'm hoping for a window soon, but I'm still constantly distracting myself. LOL that's what I'm looking forward to, the day where I don't have to distract myself, where my head is finally quiet again.

[[bl...]]

I despise the person I'm now. I want to become a lot better but when and how will I be able to do it. I know you feel similar.

 

We have to just get up and try to feel like we are more confident if it takes us a while longer. I hope you feel better soon.

 

I don't think you should despise yourself. You're human and you're a good human by all accounts. I think you're going to get through this and enjoy a type of renaissance. We're almost there, just a little bit further.

[[bl...]]

I totally get how you feel Blandthrax- like you I was feeling great- dared to think maybe I was healed but then POW - this week got slammed- anxiety, surges, shakiness, feeling like a xanax would help but I  know I can't take one....feel like I am back where I started- I know it's a wave and I will get through it but it is so  hard when you start to feel really  really good and feel so hopeful about the future. Hang in there and I will too- gotta believe better days are ahead for us both !

 

I know, it's difficult to trust the good days when we feel like this. I hope this wave crests and breaks soon.

[[il...]]

It does wonders for my addiction recovery to come on and help others. I had a 2-day spout recently, but thank God that's all it was. I'm doing great and you will, too. I was even on vacation recently, which required flying... Twice 👍🏼💪🏼 can't wait till you get here!

[[bl...]]

It does wonders for my addiction recovery to come on and help others. I had a 2-day spout recently, but thank God that's all it was. I'm doing great and you will, too. I was even on vacation recently, which required flying... Twice 👍🏼💪🏼 can't wait till you get here!

 

The last time I flew I was still on Klonopin, and I was so miserable that I didn't care if the plane crashed. Obviously, I wasn't thinking of the other 200 people who didn't want that to happen. So, glad I'm not that selfish anymore. 

[[Ta...]]

Oh wow after reading all these posts I'm crying my eyes out.

I could feel every emotion you guys are going through.

This would have to be the hardest thing to experience.  Any signs of recovery is so minute that it's so hard to see progress.

I just want my life back.  I'm so tired of hiding and just going through the motions.

Today I've woken with the worse pain in my neck and my head is so heavy.  I just feel so unwell all I can do is cry. 

I want freedom.

Love to you all.

Tallow

:smitten: :smitten: